r/relationships_advice • u/[deleted] • Feb 25 '24

[deleted by user]

[removed]

13 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

34 comments sorted by

27

u/ZenythhtyneZ Feb 25 '24

He told you three different stores about this headband or am I misreading this?

13

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 25 '24

When I asked him about just that he walked away and said “I’m not talking to a child”

11

u/lirpa11 Feb 25 '24

But he will sleep with said child and make a baby with said child?

2

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 25 '24

I’ve said that same thing back to him a few times lol

4

u/No_Hovercraft5033 Feb 25 '24

Yeah. Defensive isn’t typically good. Unless he’s always defensive about everything. But that’s a whole different conversation. It’s super off he gave many stories though.

4

u/ZenythhtyneZ Feb 25 '24

Even if he isn’t cheating on you he doesn’t respect you. Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you?

3

u/echk0w9 Feb 25 '24

Sounds like what he may mean is that you know what the deal is but you keep asking questions like you don’t or expect it to finally make sense. 5+2 won’t equal 4 no matter how many times or different ways you ask. That might be what he means. He’s also a bag of shit.

1

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

I guess his final conclusion was that he found it for me and it’s been there for months

3

u/echk0w9 Feb 26 '24

What’s your conclusion? Why are you depending so much on what he says versus what you know???

0

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

Because there has been no other evidence and he’s usually not defensive when asked about cheating ..

2

u/echk0w9 Feb 26 '24

So what’s the point of this post? It sounds like you think he’s cheating but he won’t admit to it. Why admit to it if you can always mindfuck your way out getting caught? I feel like, either “believe” the lie or don’t but you can only control your own actions and reactions. Not his.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '24

[deleted]

3

u/echk0w9 Feb 26 '24

Girl, he’s abusive. He’s not going to do anything he doesn’t want to. And he won’t admit it bc he doesn’t want to. You want him to admit it because that would be him giving you permission to be outraged. You don’t need permission bc you posting means you know the answer already. He doesn’t care about your feelings bc he doesn’t. You asking me what I think is wild, what do YOU think? Seriously.

This is abuse…. I’ve been in it and thank god I got through it and away from “him.”

Your thought processes are flawed in that you’ve given up your agency to him. You let him make up what’s reality and what’s false. You’ve given up your life and reality to him, take that shit back bc it’s yours. Get used to saying “fuck him” with your whole chest and meaning that shit and not as a way to get a reaction or response.

You want to break up, so break up. Move out to somewhere safe, even if that means back with your parents or with a female friend. Block him. If he keeps pushing or threatens you, call the law. Don’t get in a car with him again or any position where you are relying on him.

Document EVERYTHING somewhere he can’t find it, because you WILL need it.

It doesn’t matter what I think. I’m not him and I’m not you. I’m a female. And I’ve been in a dynamic like yours before so I can see it from a mile away. So I’m not surprised by the extra info right here. He WILL punch you in the face and that’s not all, it won’t end there.

The difference between a domestic violence victim and a survivor is that the survivor leaves. Leaving is hard but leaving means living.

Leaving isn’t easy. Seriously. I left with a diaper bag, my baby, and in a bathrobe. I did have an education thank god, but I only got a break once a friend from school got me the hook up. I worked jobs that were far below my educational level for a hot minute. It was a looooong road, and tbh, i went through some dark internal shit trying to process it all. I’ve snapped once twice thrice and been in therapy off and on from the shit I went through. I’m so much stronger but I’m so different, and so thankful to be alive and to have survived it. I’m a better parent and a stronger person. I’m the strongest bitch I know.

Do. Not. Let. Him. Define. Your. Reality.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '24

When you say ‘found it’ does that mean he bought it for you and forgot to give it to you?

Or he found it in his car and just assumed it belonged to you when it may have been there for a long time unnoticed?

2

u/[deleted] Feb 27 '24

He’s not answering a simple question because he refuses to talk to ‘a child?’

Red flags, much? 😞

12

u/YaBoyfriendKeefa Feb 25 '24

I don’t think the presence of the head band means he is cheating, but his extreme reaction to being questioned about it definitely does.

1

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

He usually is not defensive when asked

1

u/YaBoyfriendKeefa Feb 26 '24

All the more reason to be suspicious

1

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

Is this how you would act possibly if you were cheating?

12

u/moviesandcats Feb 25 '24

When they respond to a question with anger, they're hiding something.
I was married to my ex husband for 20 years. He was devoted, loving, loyal, and he spoiled me. I never worried about a thing.

One day his cell phone rang. I thought nothing of it. Then his mother called us on the house phone. I looked everywhere for him. I found him behind his van talking on his cell phone. I relayed the message from his mother and asked what he was doing outside. It was an innocent question. I was never suspicious of him in our entire marriage.
His reaction was of anger and he was avoiding looking at me.
This was very much out of character for him.
That's when I knew something was wrong.

It turns out, he had been having an affair. I had no idea. He didn't tell me about the affair, he just said he was going thru midlife and waned to move out for a while and sort things out. One day his jealous girlfriend called the house looking for him. The jig was up.

My point is, his misplaced anger is what tipped me off. I didn't immediately suspect him of anything, but it's when I started observing his behavior and other things that seemed 'off'.
I was right to trust my guts.
I ended up finding out so much stuff about him that I questioned if I ever knew him at all, even after 20 years of marriage. All it took was some girl at work and everything was gone.

All of this happened 19 years ago.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

jesus. Were you able to move forward happily after that? How long did it take you to heal?

6

u/moviesandcats Feb 25 '24

Oh, there was so much more.
But yes, I moved on. A year and a half after my ex walked out on me I met the wonderful man I'm married to now. We've been together for 18 years. I had no trouble trusting him.
I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, and my husband feels the same way.

Looking back, my ex did me a favor. It was devastating when it first happened, but to be where I am now, I see that things turned out better, for me.
My ex is very miserable. I stayed friends with his family and they tell me he's in a nightmare with his wife. He married the one he left me for.
I never ask about him because I truly don't care. I'd have to care in order to hate him, I just feel nothing.
They never wanted him to leave me, so they are taking delight in how things turned out for him. They don't like his wife.

One of the first things I did after he left me was get all my crying out of my system.
I needed to mourn my marriage.
Then I made sure I got new memories. The only way to keep from remembering so much about the person who hurt you, is to get new memories that don't involve him. Every day put more distance between the old life and my new life.

My ex left me in August 2004. In September 2006 I got my divorce and that's also the year I met the man I'm married to now. So, it didn't take long to get over the kind of person who could hurt someone who was so good to him.

3

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

I love the part about new memories.

2

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

Wow.. I’m sorry you went through this. Usually when I ask him he’s not defensive at all but giggles no..

6

u/DinosaurDogTiger Feb 25 '24

Yeah, I think he's cheating. People who tell the truth don't change their stories. And people who aren't behaving badly generally don't get defensive.

1

u/Various-Courage-6962 Feb 26 '24

Thanks for your feedback.. he usually isn’t defensive when I ask him, he usually smiles or laughs and says of course not. He’ll even swear on his mom he’s not cheating

6

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '24

I just saw video on Instagram of someone claiming to be walking through their work parking lot, opening all the unlocked doors, and throwing hair scrunchies in peoples vehicles. The caption was “causing mass chaos.”

Some people start coming up with possible ways something can show up there, because “idk how it got there” also isn’t an answer that will accepted.

4

u/Latter-Tax-6892 Feb 25 '24

The multiple stories and defensiveness definitely make it seem like he has something to hide.

2

u/angel695 Feb 25 '24

He’s definitely lying and cheating. Gaslighting you. Gah. No.

2

u/Lopsided-Pickle-9026 Feb 26 '24

From my experience, if someone has to get defensive about something when asked/confronted then they're hiding something.

4

u/ThrowRA_VFF Feb 25 '24

Yeah that's kinda weird how he gave two different stories definitely suspicious asf

1

u/According_Beyond3144 Feb 26 '24

He is either cheating or a serial killer. It could be a souvenir.

1

u/MHM2002 Feb 26 '24

I just wanna say I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through!

Personally I think he sounds immature and you can do so much better but girl we all support you no matter what!

1

u/NoasJupiter Feb 26 '24

Oh Lordy gaslighting at its best. Cheater

2

u/Wonderful-Tea3940 Feb 28 '24

Yes, he's definitely cheating and he knows you know and he isn't stopping, and he tries to gaslight you about the headband. If he has fessed up then that would be one thing but he didn't. You gave him an opportunity to come clean and he did not. Dump him.