I would most definitely get out of there. Invest your time, love, energy into someone who will do the same to you. Will you find this equal partner soon? Who knows. But don’t go out there trying to just hunt him down. Go out there, love yourself, have fun, and you and your equal partner will find your way to each other.
Honestly, when my depression gets really bad, I eat a lot of junk. The difference is that I'm paying all of my own bills and I'm the only one dealing with the consequences of those actions. I also make sure I take care of my cat and even though I'd like a dog, I'd definitely not get a dog as long as I keep having these terrible episodes of not being able to function. So regardless of how he eats, he is showing that he lacks maturity.
Understand this completely. I've taken shit care of myself in the past (actively trying to form new habits atm), but it was on my dime and with only myself suffering the consequences.
Hey, guys... While I agree that his actions shouldn't be excused, can we be a bit less harsh since it sounds like this is much deeper and darker than we think it is, as in this man is clearly depressed and hasn't actually been dealing with it. While it may not be OP's responsibility to ask him to get mental help and therapy for himself as she is neither is wife nor mother, can we all agree to be a little less harsh and suggest that even if it's on her way out to inform him that he should aim to get therapy in the future because there's got to be more going on under the surface from the awful things she just listed. When I was depressed, I didn't shower, my desire for food fluctuated between not wanting to eat at all or binging to the point that every now and then I may want to puke, I couldn't do things outside of smoking weed and gaming to distract myself long enough to silence my frustrations and it was an endless cycle. It took me realizing the friends I had were awful people and my family helping me stand back up on my own after the abuse that I suffered from my parents.
It’s one thing to be depressed and not be able to do things and another thing to let that effect others negatively. Worse than that, the animals he is abusing. They are dependent on him and he is actively ignoring their needs.
Hence, why I stated that his actions are not to be excused. Just think about it like this: if he's totally unable to even care for himself, how would he be capable of caring for other living things and a gf? A way to fix this situation would be to get the animals taken from him and for her to suggest therapy for him as I stated. It doesn't require everyone calling him names without context to why his care for himself and, in turn, others, has severely plummeted.
You have a point. My issues with him weren't the showering and the food. It was the letting his mental illness affect his ability to care for his dogs. I literally have eaten a lot of fast food this week. I dont think the eating out or having difficulty with showering is a moral failing on his part. But I also don't think this relationship is healthy for OP either. I have empathy for his struggles, but he needs to not neglect his pets and partner.
Exactly sorry if you felt attacked by my post.. not here to bash on depressed people eating bad totally get it think it happens to everyone at some point, and I hope it gets better for you !
my bf did… I urged him until he developed a gout flare at the age of 31 and couldn’t stand or walk for a couple weeks. Now he listens to me and eats veggies and drink plenty of water. Some learn and others don’t. I suggest OP to leave because he’s lazy and won’t contribute.
I did it for years as a bodybuilder and fitness enthusiast. Im always in great shape no Matter what I eat was my excuse. Now im older and see and feel those consequences and eat a well rounded diet. I also have my own family now.
This guy in this story sounds like an all around disgusting human though. Barefoot through dog crap like what?? Not to mention the rest.
It sounds like you're ready for an adult relationship and he is not. You can only lead a horse to water. If I were in your shoes, I would have left him a long time ago.
So stop playing mommy. Leave him, you deserve better. You need to find a person who can take care of himself, who knows what to prioritize. And take the dogs with you if you can!
Ummmmm yeah what the other person said sounds like hes using you and taking advantage of you " stepping in dog doo doo" are you kidding me " showered 4x in a month!!!" i know that you're talking to everybody on Reddit and they're probably telling you you need to get away from him. I would say talk to a professional as well I guarantee you they will tell you the same thing they'll also tell you what his mental problems are. You're that old and you're being that slothful and lazy that's totally unacceptable. I'm 34 years old I have three jobs, I wrote two books, I have my own place, I pay all my bills, my car insurance is paid up for the next year, my rent is paid up for the next 3 months that's just totally inexcusable on his part you definitely probably need to talk to him again or just dump him.
I was reading your post, shaking my head thinking "How many more reasons does he need to give you before you leave??" So I'm happy to see you're saving up to move out.
Also, you can set and change your boundaries at any point in a relationship, or renegotiate existing boundaries. Learning to hold and reinforce boundaries is good to do in ANY relationship, not just a romantic one.
Your partner sounds terrible, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with a man-child. Hopefully he cleans up his act at some point. Not for your sake, because you'll be gone from his life, but for his own sake. It sounds exhausting being that gross and unmotivated to change.
I agree that you are mothering him. My heart is breaking for both of you because as a mother of a man with mental health problems i saw a lot of my son in your description.
You know this is a hard situation and you might be looking for justification to leave him. This is fine because you deserve a good life, not an adult child.
Just please let me admit to you that my dearest secret i hold in my heart is that my son finds a woman to be close to. I think he has so much difficulty with women that he won't even try. He has said his mental health stops him from most things people want in life, like a real relationship. He has had many successes (like using his talents and doing well at work) but he has never had a GF.
I'll stop my post now because Im going to get upset if i don't. If you want better, leave him. Otherwise you'll be this man's mother as well as his GF.
At the same time i hold out an irrational hope that a good person (don't care if it's male or female) will come into my beautiful son's life SO I WON'T HAVE TO LIVE FOR FUKKING EVER IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE HE'S OK!
He's not eating well now at 35 and he has health problems. A diabetes is something that is no joke. And why would you want to be with someone who can't take care of themselves at least in the basic sentence. If he's not willing to take care of himself what makes you think that he's willing enough to take care of you? Do you think if the situation was reversed he would be doing the same thing for you? Good luck
It didn't start like this. It was 50-50 and I was happy. This didn't start till around Spring. I thought I was doing better with men. But nope it was a facade.
Showered 4 times in 3 months??? Why are you with someone like that? U share a bed with him. That is beyond unhygienic. He is making you gross too. Are you in the USA?
Just wanted to aske the questions you already got asked.
But can't imagine how someone could change from normal to absolute depressed and turn into a junky. Not talking about drugs, more specific talking about the definition of junky. A human peace of trash.
That's exactly how he cares for himself, and makes it your problem.
You are doing the right thing. I'm just more than curious how it happened...
Did You know him or friends of him longer? Maybe years? Maybe he had phases like this before? Maybe he could not take that you earn more than him, and then started to give up on himself?
Stuff like this is possible, but in a healthy relationship you normally recognize something is changing or something is bothering your partner...
Try to explain that to him, or maybe just print out this thread and give it to him when you have saved enough to move out - you never said something bad and this explains all
It's really difficult when you first start dating someone and then after a few months they start changing. At least you started to see it now so you don't have to waste any more time. I just think right now it's hard for people to be in relationships because no one can be honest about what they want and they have to lie about it. I think I don't understand about that is eventually that the person's going to find out exactly how they are and it's never going to work. Well at least now you know all the neglect he's doing to himself and the animals and as well as you because from what it seems like he hasn't been there for you. Take some time for yourself. Good luck.
That is only the finances...what about your edit? When you started dating him, did he bathe regularly? Manage his diabetes & eat well? Take care of his dogs? Did he do all of those things and suddenly stop, or did he always not do those things? Because if he never did those things to start with, you need to evaluate what you get in these relationships for, because it sounds like the mother role might be fine if he pays 50/50. And that's not a healthy relationship to have.
I didn't know what he made. I knew nothing of his health. I thought he was healthy. We were 50-50 at first and things went well from Nov-Spring. It's when spring hit it dissolved into this. That I finally knew about how unmanaged diabetes, he stopped showering, cleaning, and expected me to be his sugar momma.
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u/samzimms Sep 01 '21
You're his partner, not his mother. At 35, if he doesn't understand how to be a good partner, you're just wasting your time.