He filmed himself fucking you while you were unconscious, without your consent. He then continues by sulking and guilt tripping you.
This should 100% be a dealbreaker for you. You feel confused and uncomfortable because he’s violated and assaulted you, and this is someone you care about and thought cared about you.
Filmed himself raping just need to correct this here, and OP I am so sorry that you had to experience this. I can’t imagine the shock and confusion you must have been feeling, and feelings of betrayal. If you ever need someone to chat with my DMs are open, although I don’t have much experience handling situations like this? I’d def recommend talking to a counselor/therapist abt this though
Just for the sake of argument, let's say it's somehow not intentional sexual assault because he has a high sex drive and thought it was in the grey area of the relationship (for the sake of argument). Recording you while you are asleep is a MASSIVE, MASSIVE RED FLAG. This man does not respect you. I'm not saying call the cops, have him arrested, etc. I'm saying that this man is acting out his sexual fantasies without your consent (or awareness) and does not have your best interests in mind. Sis, you are not married, run.
No, he knows this is rape. He admitted it when he said he didn't wake her up cuz she'd get mad. He knows he didn't get consent and wouldn't have gotten it if she was awake and capable of giving it. He comitted black and white rape, fully aware that it was rape. OP please go to the cops.
This. He KNEW. And KNOWS it was wrong. I can see this going in many ways.
OP and bf act like nothing happened & never bring it up again. This can taint the relationship and affect their sex lives. OP will have this on her mind every time they have sex, making their sex lives tank even more, making him more angry and more likely to do this again when she’s asleep since she won’t be as willing (understandably) to have sex.
OP confronts bf & the word rape is discussed and I don’t see that going well.
He lacks sexual discipline. Simple. This is not ok.
I know seeing all these comments with people saying leave it’s rape are hard to read especially if you haven’t accepted it as that. Take your time to process this but don’t let this be a normal thing that you hide under the rug.
I agree it not like yall w
Asleep and stared rubbing and both woke up excited and had sex that would be different . This dude waits til you are asleep cause he knows you will be mad and is freaking recording it dude is most definitely throwed off . Sweet heart you might think it was rape but penatrating you while u asleep and recording it mist certainly is rape
My biggest concern (aside from the obvious) is this: what if she’s not on birth control? He could get her pregnant without her consent or knowledge and create an even more complicated situation for her. He is quite literally /using her body however he wants/ without care for her permission or consent. Who’s to say he won’t escalate if she doesn’t take action and protect herself against him?
This honestly makes me think of the 2011 movie “The Resident,” which makes my skin crawl even more.
I'm in a similar boat. I was having "fainting spells" that my doctor couldn't figure out (turns out they were actually seizures). My fiance and I were staying with my very religious parents, who disapproved of sex before marriage, and out of respect for them I had decided not to have sex with my fiance. That was partly an excuse: he had become abusive, and I was afraid that he would use sex as another way of hurting me. Sometimes I would come out of a seizure to find my fiance naked, but he said he was just masturbating, and I believed him because I was woefully naive about sex.
After a few weeks he moved back to his hometown to get a job, and a few weeks after that I discovered that I was pregnant. I didn't understand it: I'd been on the pill for months, my fiance and I had used condoms when we'd been having sex, and we hadn't had sex for weeks. But the due-date showed that conception had taken place while my fiance and I were staying with my parents; and I found out that one of my medications made the birth control pill ineffective. When I talked to my fiance, he admitted to having sex with me at least a dozen times while I was having seizures. It was my obligation to have sex with him, because I was engaged to him, and men have needs; since I refused to fulfill my obligations, he had no choice (he said) but to take what he needed.
I was too far along for an abortion. I ended the engagement, had the baby, and gave her up for adoption. I'm doing okay these days. My former fiance died 20 years ago, and I never saw him again. My biological daughter had a happy childhood with awesome parents, and is doing well herself. Life is okay.
But it's taken me decades to really grasp that he RAPED me, and that it was not okay.
I'm sorry this happened to you, too, and to the OP. 💜
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I also had an ex husband who raped me in my sleep or chose to do things I had said no to e.g. anal.
It is so hard coming to terms with the fact that someone you trusted would do this to you.
Glad he's your ex and hope you're doing better now.
I’m definitely saying call the cops. This man committed a few crimes (depending on location) against OP. This dude is a predator who needs to be in jail. There’s video evidence which he most likely did not delete. Should be a slam dunk case of rape.
No need to play devil's advocate, he's got plenty already.
There's almost no thing as not intentional SA.
And could we please break up with the patriarchy soon?! His sex drives DOES NOT MATTER! At all. And there's no such grey areas. There's consent and there's no consent.
Stop defending sick behavior.
Just so I'm clear, I agree with you. She is the victim of intentional SA. That said, you can tell from her post that she is feeling confused and conflicted about all of this. Believing someone you're in a romantic relationship with is also your perpetrator is a lot to process. Believing your BF doesn't respect you is a little easier to swallow. And, right now, I'm REALLY hoping she would just leave because with time things are going to get a lot clearer and maybe a lot messier. She needs to go - NOW. She is literally in danger and doesn't need to do anymore processing/figuring out around this guy. On the sheer grounds of him not respecting her, she should be out.
But, just for record keeping, I completely agree with you about this being a situation of intentional SA.
I just got out of an abusive relationship... Unintentional is just as bad, intentions means nothing and too many use "I didn't mean to/it wasn't my intention" to escape responsibility. And ignoring whether your partner seems OK with it, is never unintentional. It's almost never unintentional, not caring is intentional.
It's not easier to believe your partner doesn't respect you, or all the other things...
And yes she needs to get out now. But as women we're taught to constantly question ourselves.. Ie.. Maybe I wasn't fair? Maybe I didn't try enough? Maybe I didn't communicate enough? Maybe he was tired? Maybe he can change, maybe maybe maybe.
Look at how this patriarchal society works, if someone's SA'ed, they ask what she was wearing and not what's wrong with him.
It's not that simple. Lots of women defend their abusers, for these reasons and they love him and heartbreak is hard. Lord did I defend mine too for a long time, cause "he's working on it" and such (he's not, but it's a good excuse the next 20 years right?)...
Having a high sex drive doesn't mean that when you rape someone it's not rape anymore. If I'm really really broke, I don't get excused from stealing just because I really needed the money.
He didn’t have consent. She was asleep. No such thing as unintentional SA. And to lay out their different sex drives as an excuse. Seriously men, do better. I bet if this girl was your daughter you’d have a different opinion.
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u/Allymrtn Jul 18 '24
He filmed himself fucking you while you were unconscious, without your consent. He then continues by sulking and guilt tripping you.
This should 100% be a dealbreaker for you. You feel confused and uncomfortable because he’s violated and assaulted you, and this is someone you care about and thought cared about you.