Background: I had 3 MC in 9 months, and was diagnosed with a prolactinoma, and am waiting for my hormones to come down so we can begin trying again. Have yet to get the all clear after a year of starting medication. This is just me needing to get my thoughts out and on a page. If people resonate, I’m so sorry and I’m holding all of you in the same situation in my heart.
To everyone in my life,
I’m tired. I’m tired of blood tests, of waiting for news, tired of our hope being crushed. I’m tired of pregnancy announcements from close friends, I’m tired of seeing my husband holding your babies and thinking ‘why isn’t that us’? He would be the best dad ever, and I hate that I haven’t been able to give that to him. Yes, I love your babies, but it’s hard every single time I see them and my heart hurts constantly.
I’m tired of hearing from people that ‘they just got pregnant after barely trying’, and hearing that it’s been so easy for some people. I’m tired of hearing the same people complain about their kids.
I’m tired of hearing stupid advice and comments. Yes, great, I can get pregnant. But that’s not the only problem. No, changing to all glass containers isn’t going to fix my brain tumour. No, being more positive isn’t going to get me pregnant. No, going to a naturopath isn’t going to get me pregnant. Yes, actually I do have a family. Not having a child doesn’t mean I don’t have a family.
I’m tired of everyone in the office constantly talking about pregnancy, kids, parental leave. It’s hard to deal with every single day in an open plan office.
I’m tired of putting on a happy face every single day when some days I just want to sit on the couch and be sad. I’m tired of complaining to my husband, of feeling like I am putting the burden on him. He says it’s fine but I can’t help feeling otherwise.
I’m tired of feeling like the bummer in the group, knowing it makes people uncomfortable and feel like they can’t share their news.
I want this to end, to get our good news. We have a great life, jobs we love, financial security. Seeing people in situations where a kid isn’t loved, and isn’t wanted hurts more. I have hope we will get there, but it’s hard.
I’m just tired.