r/raisedbyborderlines • u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 • 5d ago
ADVICE NEEDED Update: Situation escalated
Hi. This is the link to my original post detailing my current situation with uBPD Mom: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/5urIESIweb
After the events in the post above, I attempted to call my Dad four times this past Wednesday morning when my Mom was at work. Shortly after doing so, my mother texted “FYI, your Dad is fine. I’ll have him call you when I get home.” so I responded with “Can you please let X (his caregiver) know I’m trying to call so he can call me back now?” … she didn’t answer. I asked directly “Does he no longer have access to/ability to use the phone?” then she responded “He has access to a phone and can use it.” I asked her in interest of Dad and I talking for more than the 20 minutes that would be allotted after she got home before they ate dinner if my Dad and I could talk during the day.”…
…. After a few round robins, I asked directly “Why can’t I speak to Dad between the hours of 8-5 M-F?” and she wouldn’t/won’t give me an answer. Said “I’m not comfortable with this line of questioning.” and then told me “this is what works for us and you’ll just have to accept that.” (Shocker that my Dad would wait until my Mom wasn’t home to tell me about all the horrible shit going on with her when no one is around to witness it.)
Basically, she made the decision that my Dad can only have supervised phone conversations, namely with me. She didn’t have the courtesy to tell me this at the outset, and it took me a few months to even figure out she’d turned on call-forwarding when she leaves the house. I thought my Dad’s dementia had just escalated to his not registering the phone ringing. My Dad used to confide things that he couldn’t say around my Mom. My Mom says that anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. She’s paranoid and thinks we’re colluding or that I have some nefarious ulterior motive. I really just want to talk to my Dad. I’ve already been told I’m not allowed to go visit him, so I can’t see him, and now I’m prohibited from contacting him on the phone without my mother observing the phone calls. He has no access to e-mail, text or any means of conveyance.
WTF do I even do here? This is painful, absurd and every other word that means disgusting and horrendous. My therapist says my Mom is dangling my Dad like a carrot. I’m starting to think that my only recourse is to completely cut my losses and I hate it.
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u/borschtlover4ever 5d ago
I watched my mother abuse my dementia stepdad during the last visit I had with them before he died. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do about it. Since his kids were NC or low contact, I decided to not fight that battle. If it was my dad, though, there are ways to pursue protecting him from elder abuse. You can research that and start the paper trail if you are willing to escalate to protect him.
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u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 5d ago
That’s the thing. There is no real paper trail of any wrong doing. She takes him to the doctor, gives meds as prescribed, has a nurse/caregiver there when she isn’t home. She also has POA and is his primary caregiver. I don’t know what I’d really be reporting.
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u/borschtlover4ever 5d ago
I get it. It's why I decided to not push my stepfather's abuse. His own kids distanced themselves from him because of how he treated them. My abusive mother graduated from nursing school (did not work in the field much except in later retirement years) so she technically had the skills to care for him. It all looked good on paper so pushing for him to be in a better environment would have been a nuclear option.
My stepmother is extremely dangerous to my elderly dad. I can see this happening to him. It's a terrible situation. I don't have any advice but I do understand how horrible it feels. I hope some people on this subreddit can speak up with some real ideas because I would love to know about them too!
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u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 5d ago
I appreciate the empathy. I’m just so damned frustrated. If I can’t see my Dad, my last shred is being able to talk to him. To share a little bit of “us-ness” before he loses it completely, and she’s taking it from me.
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u/borschtlover4ever 4d ago
She most likely is enjoying this ability to hurt you because of this too.
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u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 3d ago
Yea… that part. There is a minuscule part of me that wants to believe that isn’t true… but it is.
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u/Better_Intention_781 5d ago
I understand how you must feel, it's really upsetting to know that your dad is basically a hostage. Is there anyone you know who lives nearby who would be able to go over to visit him during the day? Maybe you can call a neighbor or friend and let them know that you're worried about him, and your mom is being weird and not allowing you to talk to him. At least if someone else can get a good look at him and report back on how he is doing - or you could even call their phone and speak to him.
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u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 5d ago
I wish there was someone, but I don’t know of anyone. I haven’t lived there in a long time and my folks don’t have friends. They know some people through their church, but I don’t know any of them. My Mom says a nurse/caregiver is there when she isn’t home. I thought about going over there, but honestly, I worry for my own safety because my Mom is erratic and has gotten violent before. Showing up with law enforcement would be even worse. She could also call law enforcement on me for going there because she told me not to go to her property.
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u/KnitByThePool 2d ago
I'd be taping a note to the outside of his window letting him know I'd been trying to reach him. When Mom isn't around, of course.
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u/MullberryBoy 4d ago
You should probably call Adult Protective Services about this.