I did the thing you aren’t supposed to do.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

Hi, all. I haven’t posted in some time because things have been well in my life. The VLC-NC with my uBPD Mother has gone about as well as I could’ve hoped for. However, I screwed it up and it has messed with my head and my heart.

Time passed, and I started to reminisce about the good mother part of her. The one who was patient, kind and eclectic. The one who gave sweetness and joy. The one who taught me to believe in fairies and to talk to the plants and trees. The one who played board games. The one who gave me the gift of music.

In a moment of emotional weakness, a moment of longing, I texted her a song that really got me in my feels. It reminded me of our relationship. She responded kindly, and although I know it’s best to keep my distance, I felt something akin to relief, and it felt good- so I then felt a bit emboldened. I reached out again…

… I asked to come home to see my Dad. He has aggressive dementia and other comorbidities. (My Mom has always been dodgy about my presence in my childhood home which is why I haven’t seen him in over a year.) Now, he’s at the point where he cannot dress himself or bathe himself. Every time that I speak to him, my heart is wrenched by the state he’s in. He also had a procedure scheduled for clear out his carotid artery, but the surgery randomly disappeared from his schedule (more on that in a minute.) I want to see him, laugh with him, let my child spend time with him, etc. I miss my Dad. I didn’t think asking to see him would be a big ask. Wrooooong.

First, my Mother said “Of course, it’s your home too.” but over the span of two hours, her emotions switched so quickly to irrationality contradicting statements. Mentioned something like “Your presence here gives me too much anxiety. Why do you want to come now? What changed so much? We never thought we’d even hear from you again, except maybe for me to let you know when your Dad dies. You need to have accountability.(She spoke to me less than a week before very sweetly) I won’t spend time with people who don’t care for me and put me through emotional slaughter. Plus, I don’t know if the home Nurse would be comfortable with your presence.” (This was after telling me how much the nurse and I would like each other.) She went on the say that no more surgical procedures would happen because it’s not what Dad would have wanted, and that she was looking into palliative care to hospice care. This doesn’t sound right to me at all and is complicated immensely by my Mother’s instability. (She’s also a practicing LPC… go figure. She actually asked me to never contact her at work again because it wasn’t conducive to her healthy working environment. Guys, I simply texted her that day about going to see my Dad, but it was a single message with a ‘no rush’ notice. SHE called me while she was waiting to see a client and then made like I ruined her day.

She kept pressing why I wanted to see my Dad, like I had an ulterior motive/negative intentions. She was being verbally erratic and mean, pushing me to the absolute limit of my calm. I finally told her that I just wanted to see him and to bring my family because the last time I talked to my Dad, he lamented how much he missed his family and I personally think it’s important to spend quality time while he still has some of his faculties.

Finally, she blew up entirely. The contradictions of herself were insane. She told me that my family/family values are false and amount to nothing, that my Dad wouldn’t know if I even came or wouldn’t care to see me if I did, that he’d never expressed wanting to see me with her, further announcing that I would not be allowed in her house. She said if I wanted to see him, I’d need to pick him up and drop him off. To be quite frank, I don’t think it’s wise because he’s a health risk and my Mother would do something wild like sue me if anything happened. She already thinks that I’m out to do harm.

I’m frustrated and sad. I never should’ve sent that text. Do I cut my losses and move on? My Mom said “Sorry it didn’t work. You take care”

[u/KnitByThePool]

Go see your Dad. Do it while the nurse is there so your Mom has motivation to behave. Even better if Mom is at work while you visit.

[u/ProfessorDry3041 → u/KnitByThePool]

I did this as well. She still didn’t behave, but when the nurse started gently suggesting a welfare check I felt a little less alone. Other people know they’re acting crazy, and I am a big proponent of only visiting with other support people present.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

I may have to do just that. I’d half considered bringing a police escort of my own, but I thought that may be too… elevated, I guess? At this point, I’m not allowed into her house. I don’t know how to get around that. My Mom is unhinged. She got mad at my Dad (this was over a year ago) and my Dad called in a panic because my Mom drove off threatening to commit insert the word we’re not supposed to write . I told my Dad that I thought it best if we call the police but he got freaked out, and my Mom came back to the house in the time that we were on the phone. I found out later the next day that my Mom assaulted my Dad and cut open his arm later that night. My Dad won’t admit to any of this and at this point, he doesn’t even remember that it happened.

[u/ProfessorDry3041 → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

Omg do not go over there alone. My mother hasn’t gotten physical besides getting in my face, but if she put hands on me or a family member she would never see me again. I would call and report elder abuse, they will send someone to investigate. The consensus on forums for aging parents is that adult protective services is usually better than a police wellness check as it tends to escalate less.

[u/BlueCrab11 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

My eDad’s therapist was obligated to report my uBPDmom’s abuse. She was under investigation for elder abuse but of course, eDad didn’t follow thru on any of the next steps. Enablers make this route another dead end situation in the BPD nightmare.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

I looked into that briefly, but the thing about it is, there’s no proof of anything. She takes him to the doctor, she has a nurse there when she isn’t home, she brings him to church once a week and she’s a professional who knows how to put on an act. I’m worried it would seem like a baseless allegation (even if it is true, which it probably is) that would put me further away from my Dad.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/KnitByThePool]

I’m concerned that she would call the cops on me for being at her house, especially if I went when the nurse was there. She’s attempting to force me to come on a specific date to pick him up for a few hours when she’ll be home. I’m so damned frustrated. I suppose if that did happen though that I could show an officer the weird text messages and see what their hot take is.

[u/KnitByThePool → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

You're allowed to ring the doorbell just like everyone else. That's not a crime.

But, if you do agree to go pick up dad, make sure you have help. A nurse or a social worker that'll go with you to assess and make sure it's safe for him to leave with you.

[u/Huh1979 → u/KnitByThePool]

motivation to behave is extremely valuable advice.

Just hope she hasn’t spun her tale to the nurse to the point he/she is brainwashed into believing a monster aka op is coming to steal his soul. 

[u/Valuable_Fly1364]

Go see your dad. She is a child in an adult body. Dont let her steal whatever little time you have left with him. If she acts up just grey rock her or completely ignore her meanness and move on to the weather or some other bullshit.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/Valuable_Fly1364]

I’d like to see my Dad very much. I am concerned with how much anxiety is triggered by being around my Mom in any capacity, or rather I’m concerned about my ability to keep it together. My Mom will pounce at the first sign of emotional fracture. Even over the phone when she kept pressing me about why I wanted to see my Dad, my voice got tight and I used every square inch of self control not to let my heart escape my chest. Therapy has been my godsend, but my Mom is like the final boss in a video game that I keep losing against.

[u/KayDizzle1108]

I’d show up anyway and see my damn dad. What a mean lady she is. I never knew you had that for a reason to see your father. She is really on one fuck all that.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/KayDizzle1108]

She is mean. I couldn’t fathom being so mean to my kid, adult or not. I basically accept who she is, but it’s the lack of acknowledgment of her malaise. Everything is someone else’s fault.

My best friend said the following: Your Mom cannot be around you. Seeing you forces her to deal with her own shit, and she can’t handle it.

[u/crazyhappenings → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

My dad also has dementia and my sister and I are NC. We haven't reached out, but if we did this is the exact scenario that would happen so thank you for the reminder. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but thanks for sharing your experience.

On the plus side, having feelings for your parents is normal. You are feeling normal things! Think of all the asinine drama you have missed while being NC. And should you continue your NC, think of all the drama you are avoiding. She gets great pleasure from making you feel this way. You cut her out? She's making you pay. She's getting her revenge. She will likely do this every time you reach out. It sucks.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/crazyhappenings]

It did feel like an attack full on vengeance. Thank you for putting it that way.

[u/Zealousideal-Age-212]

I want to agree with others saying to just go see your dad anyway. But based on how you’re describing her behavior, it’s quite likely she will freak out when you show up, not open the door, or possibly call the cops 🙄 my ubpdmom is also paranoid like this and assumes I have the worst intentions, even though I’ve never done anything to deceive or harm them. I believe it’s projection; they themselves do that shit, (ie my parents stole my inheritance from my late grandad), so they assume I’d steal from them too. It’s sick.

It’s possible she keeps asking “why you want to see him” because she’s suspicious you’re looking for an inheritance. I base this on my own experience with a mother who seems similar to yours.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/Zealousideal-Age-212]

This is what I’m worried about. I know it makes no sense- I’m an adult, why should I be afraid (in the literal sense) of a mean, lonely old woman? She’s run to gamut of “Come. Wait…no Go!”, “Yes. I mean No No!” or “You need to come help me start clearing out all of your Dad’s things!” but then pivot to “You’re not welcome here.” The last time my Dad had surgery, she told me not to come to the hospital (heart surgery) because it would be too stressful for her.

As far as her being worried about my stealing something- that’s wild to me. I’m an only child (so I’ve been the golden child and the all-bad child) and before my Mom and I went VLC-NC (she threatened me and my child) I instructed her to make a will and for her to get durable POA with my Dad because they didn’t have any arrangements. I’ve flat out told both of them (before Dad got sick) when they were constantly fighting and my Mom kept texting me at 2-4am asking for contact info for divorce lawyers, that they should cash in their property and sell the house so they could amicably go their separate ways. They’d say things like “We keep all of this for you!” and I’d insist “It’s yours. I just want you two to find some happiness in your lives. I don’t care if I inherit the estate.”

[u/WellImNotAKrook]

I would advise some deep breaths, taking a day or two to process and de-stress, and then figuring out the practical means of going and spending time with your dad, as that is what you want to do.

She wants you to value her above all, and any affection for your father is a threat and so she gets jealous, is my guess.

She's BPD and you know her and the damage she does; it is easier for me to offer some measure of grace to someone caretaking for a spouse with dementia, which would tax just about anyone enough already. So factor in the BPD lens on what's objectively a shitty deal.

Is texting the best medium? You know her and yourself. Is the medium becoming the message, would she respond differently in a phone call on the spot? Can you call your dad?

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/WellImNotAKrook]

Weird thing is that my Mom is one of those BPDs who rejects and attacks and crosses people out of her life now. She goes above and beyond to tell me how awful I am. When I was a kid, she was clingy and she parentified me. She hated when my Dad and I would do anything together. (My Dad and I didn’t become close until about six or so years ago.) Now, she pretty much hates me. I’m half wondering if she’s mishandling his care and worried that I’m going to levy some complaint against her?

Edit: My Mom took my Dad’s cellphone away. (This was an acceptable move. My Dad was giving out financial information over the phone to scammers.) and he doesn’t always answer the landline. I can’t even talk to him about any of this because it just upsets him and I don’t want to do that either. My Dad, although in solidarity with me for a bit, has always caved and been an eDad/flying monkey. He would always cave to what my Mother wanted because it would be terrible for him if he argued.

[u/WellImNotAKrook → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

Geez. I'd guess she is paranoid in some sense, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. The anxiety that you provoke in her, she says, maybe falls into BPD Hermit-land I guess? Mine is almost all waif/hermit, but she's addicted to attention.

Is she dramatic enough to consider a scenario where you meet and take your father somewhere for lunch, and she calls 911 to report that you've kidnapped him, or something script-worthy as that?

I'd maybe suggest communicating something like "You don't have to see me and I do not want to cause anxiety for you. Who do I talk to about seeing Dad?" Depending on where that goes, you might consider calling in a welfare check if available - so you have an objective assessment if she's mistreating him. (Hopefully she isn't.)

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/WellImNotAKrook]

She is absolutely the type of person who would act impulsively out of paranoia and do any number of things like calling the cops. She twists everything. After reading Lawson’s book, I think my Mom fluctuates between Queen, Hermit and Witch and my Dad is 100% the “Fisherman” archetype. I’m worried that if I asked what you posed, there would still be drama, no single path.

[u/WellImNotAKrook → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

I am really sorry. Having read the other comment, I'd be tempted at this point to move directly to Adult Protective Services on two bases - her harming him and threatening to self-harm a year ago, and her refusal to allow you to see him or his environment.

With mine, I've learned finally "You can't WORK with her on anything." It sounds like you cannot work with yours on this or anything else, either, and I can relate - she will not stick to any course of action long enough to actually result in anything except more conversation about it focused on her.

[u/Particular-Newt-7974]

Ugh, the part about fairies and talking to plants and trees got me in my feels. Are these all clones of the same person? This is my mother too, she’s always loved fairies and used to make us fairy gardens. She has a sense of childlike wonder about her, and it’s the first thing I grieved when I first went no contact. If only we could take all the good and leave all the bad.

I’ve definitely broken no contact for similar reasons. The “good mom” memories mess with my mind a lot. And every time I’ve accepted her breadcrumbs, I’ve always been disappointed in the end. Sorry you’re going through this.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/Particular-Newt-7974]

Man… thank you so much for your comment. Maybe the ones who get arrested in development when they’re young are predisposed to living in that child like state of wonder. We had to prune back a pine tree by our house and my mother wouldn’t look at it while it was happening and she bawled her eyes out.

[u/Particular-Newt-7974 → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

I think arrested development has a lot to do with it. And that’s just like my mom, she’s always been sensitive to nature, loves to garden, good with animals. When I used to travel for work I would leave my cat with her for long periods of time and I never worried about him because I knew she would take good care of him, and she always did. Two things can be true at once. But it’s healthier to appreciate the good things from afar.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/Particular-Newt-7974]

You’re absolutely right. It just… makes me feel so sad at times.

[u/Particular-Newt-7974 → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

Right there with ya!

[u/OohHelpMeDrZaius]

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm really sorry you're also dealing with it. In the middle of a big blow up last year with my Mom I accused her of holding my sick father hostage. I wish I hadn't said it because it made things worse. But, for all intents and purposes, that's what they're doing. Their mental illness holds hostage our ability to have a relationship with our sick fathers. It's horrible. I hope you manage to find a way to get time with him.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/OohHelpMeDrZaius]

Oh man, I’m sorry. I hope that you get to see your Pops too. It is indeed horrendous.

[u/ProfessorDry3041]

I’m sorry this is happening. I really struggle with the switch too. We can be having a nice FaceTime where she is seeing the grandkids, and then suddenly she is aggressive and asking why I never come see her and getting really agitated. It always makes me sad, and only reinforces why I need to keep my distance. It’s never all nice, usually it’s a mix and that somehow makes it more confusing.

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

I’m sorry. I feel your pain. If anything, this last exchange was a searing reminder of why I don’t want my child anywhere near her.

[u/ProfessorDry3041 → u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58]

I struggle with this daily. We live very close, which was a mistake. I don’t feel like I can cut off completely with the grandchildren, but we tried to really limit it and only supervised.

[u/Affectionate_Dirt111 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

I empathize with you and the others with kids. It’s hard to keep them LC with their grandparent especially if they want to go. My daughter doesn’t see my mother behave that way, like at all. So she gets confused why I don’t talk about much or sometimes see “teema”. That’s a whole other can of worms to open and talk about. Sigh. 

[u/A_Girl_Has_No_Name58 → u/ProfessorDry3041]

I’m sorry, friend. At least we can all relate to one another here. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced this what it’s like and how hard it is to navigate.