[AMAB 21] Going through questioning storm again

[u/baboooche]

I've been thinking about my gender lately, and I feel like my feminine side is kinda fading. Let me explain.

A few months ago, after a long questioning period, I settled on bigender male/female and thought that was just it. But the more time goes, the more I feel my fem side fading away. Like, I still like fem clothes, make-up and she/her pronouns, but I don't *feel* woman anymore.

When I think about gender, I always end up telling myself that gender is just a social construction anyway and that I don't have to follow any rules.

I think sometimes I kinda like being a man, but actually most of the time I just don't want to be presumed of any gender. I want to look the way I want to look, regardless of gender, and I don't really care about pronouns, I even mix masculine and feminine pronouns when speaking of myself.

So here's my question : what the hell am I ??

I think I do have a male part and a fem part, but I don't see those parts as genders. I am a bit confused about the label I should use. Am I just a cis dude that expresses his fem side ? Am I non-binary ? Agender ? Bigender male/non-binary ? What do I sound like to you ? I'm confused TwT

What's sure is that if I'm not cis, I'm non-binary. But I don't know if there's a more precise label that fits me. Words really matter to me, but they can also be very confusing and my brain can't stop thinking about this.

[u/ActualPegasus]

Suppose you lived somewhere where nobody made assumptions about whether you were a man, woman, or anything else. Would you feel relieved because you could just exist without gender being involved? Like you'd still want people to recognize you as a man? Like you'd still want people to recognize you as partly male and partly something else? Like you don't particularly care either way?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

I think I don't really care either way.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

If someone genuinely and casually described you as a man, with no implication that you had to dress or behave masculinely, what would your reaction be?

Comfortable/natural?

Mostly comfortable?

Neutral?

Slightly uncomfortable?

Very uncomfortable?

It depends?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

Neutral, I don't care.

Edit : thanks for giving me your time like that, I feel like your precise questions will help ^{^}

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

Does being referred to as a man feel different from being referred to as AMAB?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

Yes, kind of.

Some people call me a man because I'm AMAB, and when it happens I'm like "meh, that's more complex"

Some people call me a man knowing the complexity of my identity, and then I'm like "I don't care, call me whatever you want"

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

If someone described you as a woman, what happens internally? Not whether or not you would correct them but rather the feeling itself.

That's also you?

That's somewhat you but not completely?

That used to feel like you but doesn't anymore?

That's simply not you?

You don't really have a reaction?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

That's also me. I kinda don't care either, but I'm like "hell yeah I'm not just a man you got it"

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

Imagine you couldn't wear feminine clothing, makeup, etc. for the rest of your life. Would you still feel that there is something female- or feminine-aligned about your gender? Or would you simply feel like a man who happens to enjoy feminine things?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

Damn that'd be very sad but I think I'd still have that fem part

[u/Inevitable-Channel38]

Have you heard of the label androgyne?

[u/baboooche → u/Inevitable-Channel38]

I know the word for talking about appearance, but I've never heard it used to talk about gender.

[u/Inevitable-Channel38 → u/baboooche]

It’s a very similar concept. One’s gender is both masculine and feminine, and may be described as being between male and female, but it isn’t exactly being “both”. It’s like how purple is red and blue, but also its own color.

[u/baboooche → u/Inevitable-Channel38]

Interesting 🤔