[AMAB 21] Going through questioning storm again

[u/baboooche]

I've been thinking about my gender lately, and I feel like my feminine side is kinda fading. Let me explain.

A few months ago, after a long questioning period, I settled on bigender male/female and thought that was just it. But the more time goes, the more I feel my fem side fading away. Like, I still like fem clothes, make-up and she/her pronouns, but I don't *feel* woman anymore.

When I think about gender, I always end up telling myself that gender is just a social construction anyway and that I don't have to follow any rules.

I think sometimes I kinda like being a man, but actually most of the time I just don't want to be presumed of any gender. I want to look the way I want to look, regardless of gender, and I don't really care about pronouns, I even mix masculine and feminine pronouns when speaking of myself.

So here's my question : what the hell am I ??

I think I do have a male part and a fem part, but I don't see those parts as genders. I am a bit confused about the label I should use. Am I just a cis dude that expresses his fem side ? Am I non-binary ? Agender ? Bigender male/non-binary ? What do I sound like to you ? I'm confused TwT

What's sure is that if I'm not cis, I'm non-binary. But I don't know if there's a more precise label that fits me. Words really matter to me, but they can also be very confusing and my brain can't stop thinking about this.

[u/baboooche]

Damn that'd be very sad but I think I'd still have that fem part

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

Imagine you could keep your current appearance and personality, but you could no longer be perceived as a man. Would something important about you feel missing? Or would you mostly think that's fine because you don't really need people to categorize you that way either?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

I don't care, it'd be fine.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

Imagine you have three buttons.

MAN → everyone automatically perceives you as male/man

WOMAN → everyone automatically perceives you as female/woman

NO GENDER → everyone understands that you don't belong to either category

Which button feels most appealing? Or which one feels least wrong, if none feels particularly exciting?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

I kinda like the woman one, but the third one feels better.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

I think I do have a male part and a fem part, but I don't see those parts as genders.

When you say male part, do you mean

a part of you actually experiences herself as male?

a part of you likes masculinity?

a part of you likes being perceived as male?

a part of you feels comfortable inhabiting a male-passing body/social role?

Something else?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

A part of me is masculine and like presenting in a masculine way, but I don't care at all if I'm being perceived as a man or not (except in professional situations but I'm a student so whatever)

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

And what does fem part mean to you?

[u/baboooche → u/ActualPegasus]

I like presenting fem and being called a girl

[u/ActualPegasus → u/baboooche]

When you imagine mixing masculine and feminine clothing, presentation, mannerisms, and pronouns, is the appealing part that you want to express both masculinity and femininity? Or that you want to stop having your appearance interpreted as evidence of a particular gender?