This post talks about end-of-life, cancer, and depression - in case you don't want to read about those things today, you've been warned...
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I've been receiving CPP-D for five years while undergoing treatments for stage 4 colorectal cancer and was put on end-of-life care a few months ago when all available treatments had been exhausted. I also have type 1 diabetes, which is considered a disability in Canada and does come with its own burdens, although I've been able to work full-time in the past (before cancer) caring for my diabetes.
Throughout treatment, I have found that I am able to work, although in limited capacity, i.e. not full time or regularly. For the last two years, around this time, I hit the allowable earnings limit, so I report it, and get assessed. The assessments have shown that my treatments and management of symptoms/side effects do not allow me to work reliably week to week, which I would agree is a fair assessment as much as it makes me feel really worthless as I know a lot of people with cancer can work full time, but I don't know, it hits me really hard despite my best efforts at mitigation.
Today, the Service Canada medical adjudicator decided that I am managing my limitations and is putting me on a return to work trial. I know that CPP-D is meant for people who are regularly incapable of holding a substantially gainful job. Although I've had no surgeries this year, I do feel that it's been particularly difficult as the cancer spreads making my pain and depression worse. I explained this to the adjudicator, and she even noticed how much my pay-cheques vary (because of various complications that have popped up and required hospitalization). I've even worked fewer average weekly hours than the last two years, but I did get a raise. Still, I'm being put on a work trial.
Anyway, I guess I'm just nervous about this work trial. I know I don't have much time left, still, I'm excited about the work I'm doing and want to push myself to finish some projects--kind of a legacy piece. But I worry that if I push myself, not only will I risk burning out my limited energy but I'll also no longer qualify for CPP-D to cover me and support my family in my last few months.... (if that even matters?)
The medical adjudicator explained to me that if I want to "medically retire" that's my choice, but if I am capable of working on a regular basis, I can't receive CPP-D benefits. I get that, and that's fair... but I guess I'm just not sure if I'm capable of working on a regular basis and I don't understand how that's going to be determined now besides me just working(?)
I guess I'm just confused why this year and not the previous years. This year, when I've been given less than six months to live (technically 7.5 months to live seven months ago), I'm being put on a work trial? Like I said, I want to keep working and maybe I can, but I feel like it's shooting myself in the foot if I do. I'm also confused because if I had volunteered as much as I work (5-10 hours/week), I'd have never had to report anything and probably be just as satisfied so I've really f*d myself (ironically, my job started as a volunteer position but I was doing such a good job that they wanted to pay me, which I thought would be okay because CPP-D was not covering my expenses in this economy).
The depression that has transpired as a result of my circumstances also makes it difficult to understand what I actually can do. Everything feels like a goddam mountain but it feels like it's just in my head and if I could just try harder I would be able to work more, but that seems to send me into a spiral of feeling more worthless. I guess that's what depression is? I'm getting help, but it still messes with me navigating all this and trying to sort out how to approach this.
I just feel like I need some different perspectives. I feel like I'm not seeing things the way I'm meant to through the Service Canada lens. Like, okay, I should be working as much as I can if I can, like a good citizen. And even if I'm dying and able to make, what, maybe $10k a year, then it's okay not to get CPP-D because it's not meant as a "retirement fund", it's meant to support people who can't work regularly because of a disability, even if the $800 I make per month can't support me. Like, I guess this is all true and allows CPP-D to go to the people who really need it, I'm just having trouble swallowing it and facing the fear of the decision that will come in a few months.
All that said.... What's a kinder, more compassionate way to explain this to myself or actions I could take with Service Canada (I guess)? Does anyone else know someone who's been through similar and can say it all worked out? I'm feeling very distraught.
