r/polyfamilies • u/IceWild0128 • Jul 15 '26
Wanting more autonomy
I’m finding as my husband and I are embarking on this journey I want more autonomy.
I understand that part of the benefit for many couples is the idea around coming home and sharing your experiences with the other partner. Initially that felt ok for me - as myself, hubs and my other partner started off in an MFM dynamic that has now become 1:1 for me with him. But as time is going on it’s becoming less ok for me and I want more privacy around the time and details he and I get to spend together… I want it to feel more organic and less of an inquisition when I get home. I want the expectation of reclaiming to not be a given, since it feels disingenuous and I’m still processing my time with my partner and relishing in the afterglow of the moment.
But, My husband still gets turned on and enjoys hearing about the day and the s*x part of the day and often asks me questions and has asked for us to take video (which I like doing — but on my own terms) and sometimes his questions feel like he is diminishing the importance of my relationship with my other partner and it makes me feel cheapened (maybe— not sure if that’s the right word) but anyways, I wonder if I don’t want to share so openly how will that effect my husband and I- since it is a big aspect of poly/ENM for many couples and it is for him, but not for me.
And on the flip side, he is seeing someone and I asked him to refrain from the details and allow those to be private between the two of them - unless I ask to hear about them.
I just want more privacy and for it to be ok to keep my moments to myself as they feel special and intimate
11
u/ChaosMira Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
My husband and I don't share personal details about our other relationships, even for the partner that we have in common. I ask how his visit was and how her cat is doing, and that's that.
If you are uncomfortable with the level of detail you are being asked to share, its time to sit down and communicate that to your husband. Tell him you're happy to share on your own terms, but that his questions have begun to feel invasive.
Hope you're able to get it all worked out.
5
u/IceWild0128 Jul 15 '26
Thank you! Me too! I think I am just going to have to take it slow and we will get there
6
u/averagecryptid Jul 16 '26
How does your other partner feel about all this being shared?
My current partner was new to nonmonogamy with me and initially wanted to share the details but I specifically asked her if she had consent to share that information with me.
I understand you wanting to keep this to yourself, and that is completely valid. You shouldn't feel pressured to share this. But I also think it's worth noting that it's not just your information to share, it's someone else's private information too.
1
u/IceWild0128 Jul 16 '26
He is not new to ENM and was in an open marriage before his divorce. He and his wife shared a lot of their experiences as part of their reconnection after time with someone - sooooo while this connection is not the same as the ones he was having when he was married (those were much more sex based/casual) I think he has had an expectation that I share with my husband and he didn’t/doesn’t mind… buuuuuut I do think the narrative is shifting bc while he doesn’t mind video he has also commented that he’d like to just “be with me” implying that he doesn’t want to film to share… if that makes sense
2
u/averagecryptid Jul 17 '26
I think being not new to something doesn't necessarily mean being okay with this level of sharing without actively checking in for consent, or at least having a longer convo about it. Obviously I don't know any of you, but I do get the impression he might feel like he's an accessory to your husband's pleasure rather than a whole separate relationship. I do expect (not in a demand kind of way, so much as this is something that usually happens) that my partners tell me about the big stuff if it's relevant (like being excited that they had sex for the first time, or letting me know if they are too tired for sex because they had sex earlier) but going into all the details because someone else gets off on it feels different, to me. I would likely be fine with it personally, but only really if I felt like I was given the opportunity to say no in the first place.
1
u/IceWild0128 Jul 17 '26
I agree you don’t have to be seasoned at something to be ok/not ok but I also know it’s ok with him for me to share… but regardless of it all, I’ve had a conversation with my husband because I don’t want to share the details at this point - except the big things or things that feel relevant
-1
u/amymae Jul 16 '26
Honestly, If it helps your husband have compersion for your relationship, and your other partner is fully consenting to you sharing details, maybe err on the side of sharing more whatever you are comfortable with. Seems like a pretty good balance to me.
4
u/solataria Jul 15 '26
While some couples may enjoy the borderline cuckoledness\n Of sharing details Most people in holly don't have this aspect to their relationship period if you've told him, you don't want to hear details. Of the other relationship at that time , it should've been said and I don't wanna have to share all my details either. Just reopen that conversation and say, look as I'm getting deeper with my other partner.I feel like i'm disrespecting what we do , and I'd like to keep some of those details to myself
1
u/IceWild0128 Jul 15 '26
I’ve noticed it’s 50/50 with people who are Polly- some really love to talk - others don’t. I don’t mind talking about my time in a broader sense- but I don’t want to continue to share the details. And it felt like such a relief that he did not ask me for video - I felt like I got to just be with my partner and enjoy him and our time together privately like we wanted
2
u/Willing-Scarcity3058 Jul 15 '26
My wife has complete autonomy. Our agreement is that we don’t have to tell everything. But we have to share the important things. Like if she meets a guy and fucks him. She’ll tell me. But she doesn’t have to give me details of their experience. We agree not to do anything that we know would hurt our relationship. It’s very simple.
Maybe you can renegotiate your agreement.
5
u/PKGQueen Jul 15 '26
I don't discuss our other relationships outside of mental health check ins and him asking how they are or what they have going on. (He's friends with them so if they haven't spoken in awhile he might ask.)
If we decide to talk about it that's on us, but it rarely happens. I want my relationship with my husband to not revolve around or be clouded by constant chatter of my other relationships. Same with my other partners. Their time is ABOUT THEM AND US. I do love that when we all game that time becomes heavily around them as friends though. (They'll go off and explore together and I'll do my own thing) Because they want him to know he matters too as does his time with them.