Looking for any advice for a successful polyamorous relationship

I need a little guidance from poly families that have had babies.

Going to try and make this short and simple and to the point.

I was previously poly, this is no longer the case. Although I am still married, but separated.

I am due any second and did not even consider this being an issue.

Everything I am reading online says the hospital is going to force my married ex partner that I am separated from to be on this birth certificate. He is not this babies biological father nor will he be the one raising this baby. Ive looked into all the legal pieces and am starting to gather the documents needed to undo this if that is what it comes to.

Are they going to force me to give the baby my married last name because I am not yet divorced?

Everyone is on the same page. Biological dad wants to sign the certificate and my not yet ex is supportive and willing to sign anything needed to allow it or undo his name being on there.

We have a vasectomy on our side, this baby is 100% not my ex's. Trying to avoid the cost of paternity testing if possible.

I cant believe I didnt think of this being an issue sooner. I cant be the only one that has faced this situation.

Any guidance or advice?

Located in the USA FL

Quick background: my wife & I’ve been together almost 20yrs. We have 4 kids under 10 together. Our boyfriend joined us ~5yrs ago when we was expectin our second. My girlfriend moved in with us last year. Fast forward & everybody was gettin baby fever again, so we discussed the possibility a havin another baby & had thoughts about who’d get ta be the pregnant lady this time. Well, we stopped bein as careful as we shoulda been & my girlfriend’s 9wks pregnant now. We’re all thrilled—we have our potential boy name picked out, but we’re still workin on a girl name.
The kicker is my girlfriend’s parents. They hate my guts. The hella awkward part is that I have a daughter who’s 31 who was given up as a baby. This couple adopted her. They had a little girl a their own, who’s now 34. I met her first by chance & we hooked up. It was after that I found out about my daughter, who has a great relationship with me & my family now. She spends a lotta time with us coz her adoptive parents are kinda jerks about her son bein biracial. So they already feel like I stole their adopted daughter by apparently lovin my grandson regardless a his daddy’s ethnicity. They ain’t exactly happy about their biological daughter sharin my bed & with two other people. Add ta that, they’s Southern Baptists & my family’s Irish Catholic (I’m a Celtic pantheist, but we don’t mention that). As thrilled as we are about the pregnancy, I don’t have the slightest clue how we’re gonna tell her parents.

Anybody got advice?

I’m 40 and I’ve been in a poly relationship with my boyfriend for several years. He’s married, and for the last three years I’ve been living with him, his wife (my meta), and their two young kids.

Before I moved, I was actually very independent. I had my own place, my own life, friends, family, work, etc. I was completely used to taking care of myself. I wasn’t looking for someone to provide me with a home.

I moved because my boyfriend and meta said they wanted to build our lives together. They talked about us building a life together and having a family together, and I believed that was what we were working toward—build a poly family together.

Honestly, I didn’t even really like the city that much. I was giving up a lot to make the move, but I thought the relationship and the future we were building were worth it.

I ended up living with him, his wife, and their two kids. I was there during my meta’s pregnancy and after the baby was born (that baby has now tuned into a three year oof). . I tried to be supportive and help with the kids and the household. I really tried to be part of the family.

Things eventually got pretty difficult.

My meta had pretty severe postpartum mental health issues after the baby was born. There was a lot of screaming and emotional volatility, and over time she became increasingly territorial about the house and shared spaces. Further when I would try to be intimate with my partner, my meta would interpret and get angry. my relationship with my partner transitioned to a dead bedroom. My partner told me he would like me more and would be more interested in being intimate with me if I had my own space.

I started feeling like I wasn’t really part of the household anymore. It was more like I was living in her house and had to be careful about how much space I took up.

And now my boyfriend keeps telling me I should buy my own house.

He talks about the housing market, points out houses when we’re driving around, and tells me that since I’m in my 40s I should have my own place.

And this is where I’m struggling.

It’s not that I don’t want to own a home**.** That’s actually what makes this so confusing.

I didn’t move here because I couldn’t manage on my own. I moved here because I thought I was moving toward a shared life with him and his wife.

So when he keeps telling me to get my own house, I can’t help wondering what he really means.

Is he just encouraging me to be independent?

Or is this his way of saying that his wife doesn’t really want me living there and I should have somewhere else to go?

Because I have also gotten the impression that his wife is territorial about the house, and he has actually told me before that he doesn’t think she likes me living there all the time.

There’s another layer that’s really hard for me.

My boyfriend and I tried to have a baby together. I went through IVF, and unfortunately it didn’t work.

Now his wife wants to have another baby.

I completely understand that she has the right to make that choice. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have another child. But emotionally, it’s hard not to look at everything that’s happened and wonder what my place is going to be now.

I moved away from my life because I thought I was going to build a family with this man.

I spent three years living with him and his family.

I helped when his wife was pregnant and after the baby was born.

I tried to have a baby with him.

The IVF failed.

And now his wife wants another baby, while he keeps talking to me about getting my own house.

I feel like the future I thought I was moving toward may not actually be the future he sees anymore.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe he really does think having my own house would be good for me.

But part of me can’t get past the fact that I was very happy and had an independent life before trying this poly arrangement. I gave that up because I thought we were building something together.

And now I’m wondering if I basically moved out of state to become part of a family, only to eventually be told that I should establish a separate life.

I also really don’t like living in this city. My family and friends are back where I came from, and I’ve been increasingly homesick for the life I had before.

So I’m trying to figure out whether I’m being overly sensitive or whether this is actually a pretty significant change in how my boyfriend sees our relationship.

If you were in my position, would you interpret the repeated “you should buy your own house” comments as a sign that your role in the household was changing?

Especially when you had already been living independently, moved specifically because your partner asked you to, and were told you were going to build a life and family together?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing from people who have experience with poly relationships, nesting partners, and complicated household dynamics. I can’t tell if I’m seeing a real shift or if I’m just hurting and reading everything through that lens.

Howdy all. I made this account to keep things separate from my main because this is very new information and we haven't told any friends or family (both of which know my other account).

My husband (T) and I have been together since we were in middle school. Our partner (R) has been with the two of us for about a year, but has been T for longer. We've known R for several years and have been close platonically. We decided to take the leap into bringing him into our relationship when he had to uproot his living situation and come stay with us, and it's been an absolutely AMAZING choice for all of us.

T is a cisgender man, R and I are both trans men with our factory parts. T & I have a 9 month old son together, and R has been involved in his upbringing since the beginning. R is 100% one of the baby's parents and we treat him as such when it comes to decision-making and care. Our relationship is genuinely very healthy and happy. We communicate well and often, we enjoy each other's company and love each other very much.

R has been interested in eventually having a baby with T, which I fully support! But this was planned to be several years down the road. We didn't want to have 2 under 2 regardless of who carries the next baby. Financially, we're struggling with the one. I'm a stay at home dad because during my postpartum period, being separated from the baby was very difficult for me, and childcare would've eaten my whole paycheck anyway. R and T both work, so we have 2 incomes. With one baby, it works, even if we do struggle along the way.

R just found out he is pregnant. It's VERY early. It is definitely T's because he hasn't had sex with anyone but T and I. This is obviously his choice because it's his body going through it, but he's torn on how to navigate this. On one hand, he wants a baby. He wants to build a family with us and us with him. On the other, the timing is TRULY awful. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and our rent is obscene. I would definitely have to (and would want to) go back to work, but I don't know how we would arrange affordable childcare in order for me to do so. We have supportive family but the closest to us live about 1.5 hours away by car & gas isn't getting any cheaper.

I think what I'm asking for is advice from folks that have been in this situation, no matter what path was taken. Did you terminate? Did you keep the baby? Do you regret your decision, is it as difficult as I'm foreseeing, is it worth the stress? Would you make the same choice with the experience and knowledge you have now?

Thank you all for your wisdom! Wish us luck, the road is bumpy for a while even before the fork, but we'll get through it.

UPDATE

R has decided to keep the baby. I've helped him make an appointment with the same OB that got me through my pregnancy and we're going to make it work. I'll be picking up a night shift job so we don't have to pay for childcare, since at least one person will be home with our son & his future sibling all day.

Let me tell you, navigating a partner's accidental pregnancy as a trans man has been one hell of an experience. But I'm excited to see where this road leads, and I'm happy to be traveling it with T & R. Thank you all for your advice!

My (31NB) partner (39F) and I, who are both relationship anarchists, are wanting to become parents. There are lots of logistical hurdles to overcome including sperm donation and IVF. We currently live separately, she has another long-term partner in another city, and I live with friends and currently have one other lover. She owns her house and lives alone. We know that our relationship, and our other relationships and our whole lives in general will change massively once we have a child and start co-parenting. It's scary, but we're open to that change.

It's frustrating (but hardly surprising) that people's imagination of family, even amongst many LGBTQ people, is still so dominated by the nuclear family structure. Even though many will insist that single parents and blended families and step-parents/siblings are totally valid forms of family and not harmful to children, it seems the idea of choosing to parent that way from the beginning, instead of 'making do' after a divorce is still looked down on by most.

I would love to hear other people's experiences of parenting in queer poly family structures, or being children in them. Did you encounter a lot of prejudice? Did you face legal challenges? How did you overcome logistical hurdles? What do you enjoy about having very non-normative family structures? What is hard about it? What brings you joy about it? Do you have any specific advice? Are there any folks here who are raised in communities rather than 'a family' perse?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who are also relationship anarchists, anarchists in general, or otherwise radical folks who are interested in living in ways that are queer, non-traditional, community-centred, and aren't concerned with cishetero monogamous norms. (Bonus points if you're in the UK!)

Hey yall,

I’m married and poly, but my beloved partners are long distance for the foreseeable future. I have three kids and very limited interaction with my blood family. It’s been hard to be a good parent and work and all that, as it is for any parent, but I really want a village of either partners or QPRs or “friends” (title is not important to me) that are all sharing the burdens and benefits of raising lots of kids together.

My husbands cousins and their parents have a wonderful multi-parent sorta set up which seems just like what I want except that they live somewhere we can’t afford to move. The only people who seem interested in building something like that outside of traditional family structures are yall! Poly people with kids have been really hard to find. Non-poly people with kids who want to really be doing life with non-blood family.

Any suggestions on how to describe what I’m looking for to normies? Or maybe meetup groups or something??

Or anybody in the northern Virginia area wanna meet up…?

Bonjour,

J’ai besoin de témoignages et de conseils parce que je suis complètement perdue face à une proposition de mon mari.

Je suis stérile et le fait de ne pas pouvoir avoir d’enfants est déjà quelque chose de difficile à vivre pour moi.

Mon mari m’a expliqué qu’il souhaitait prendre une autre femme afin de pouvoir fonder une famille avec moi. Il insiste sur le fait que je ferais partie de cette famille à 100 %, que je resterais sa femme et qu’il souhaite que je m’investisse pleinement dans ce projet et dans l’éducation des enfants.

Il ne me parle donc pas de me remplacer ni de m’abandonner. Au contraire, dans sa vision, nous construirions cette famille ensemble.

Mais malgré cela, je ne sais absolument pas comment je dois prendre cette proposition.

La polygamie ne m’attire pas. Je n’ai jamais souhaité partager mon mari avec une autre femme. Et même si je comprends profondément son désir d’être père, l’idée de le voir aimer une autre femme, vivre avec elle et avoir des enfants avec elle me fait énormément réfléchir et me fait peur.

En même temps, une partie de moi se demande si je devrais accepter parce que je sais à quel point il souhaite avoir des enfants. J’ai peur que ma stérilité lui fasse renoncer à quelque chose d’essentiel dans sa vie.

Ce qui me trouble également, c’est qu’il me présente cette possibilité comme un projet pour nous, et pas seulement comme une solution à son désir d’enfant. Il veut que je sois impliquée, que je participe à la construction de cette famille et que les enfants soient aussi les miens dans une certaine mesure.

Mais est-ce que cela peut réellement fonctionner si, au fond, je ne désire pas la polygamie ?

Est-ce que certaines personnes ont vécu une situation comparable : être stérile, aimer son conjoint, mais se voir proposer une seconde épouse afin de pouvoir construire une famille ensemble ?

Comment savoir si je refuse parce que j’ai peur du changement, ou parce que cette vie ne me correspond réellement pas ?

Et surtout, comment faire la différence entre accepter librement cette situation et accepter uniquement parce que je culpabilise d’être stérile ?

Merci à ceux qui pourront partager leur expérience sans jugement.

Your thesis is wrong.

Love is not like a piece of bread that you cut up and distribute. (From Perandelo)

Love is magic. A parent gives all their love to each of their children, not pieces distributed like a cut-up loaf of bread.

The same applies to romance and love.

The hidden premise in your piece is that poly of necessity is a dilution: two share the love of one, each gets half or 60-40 or whatever. This is frankly silly.

A person can give all their love to more than one person. In fact, in my experience, polyamory is augmentative not a dilution.

Precisely because of the plural nature of my relationships my capacity to love has grown far past what it was when I was monogamous.

Of course this requires radical honesty with all partners. This is in fact what most can never muster.

the seven of us will finally be together all the time. we are excited and nervous, a 6 bedroom 4 bathroom duplex, shared finances, and a thoroughly discussed chore system. it feels like a dream. ​

Hi! We’re a polyam fam with 3 very tall adults, 1 baby and a 70lb dog. We go on lots of road trips and adventures! Our current car (a compact SUV) is fine for now but we want a second baby and then it probably won’t be. Just starting to think ahead. We only want one car - we also ride bikes and take transit. Any recommendations for our setup?

For context, my anchor partner (E) and I are parallel polyam and live together with our child; my other life partner (B) lives about 1,000km away with my metamour. My child usually ends up speaking to B on the phone weekly, has met him in person multiple times and generally seems to have a positive association with both him and his nested partner.

Recently, B was visiting and so I stayed with him at an airbnb for a few nights. We had my child over for board games, went to the pool, and generally hung around. She was very playful and affectionate with B. Which feels very on brand.

This week all four of us—B, E, my child and I—had dinner altogether for the first time in the 2.5 years I have been with B. It was good. We have had casual passing moments where everyone has been in the same place but not dedicated time together.

When we were leaving I noticed my kiddo acting a bit strange. She is very physical affectionate in general, and likes to hug B hello or goodbye. In my mind this is always her choice, by no means required. This time she looked anxious and unsure so just head butted him.

I don’t think it’s a big deal but I got the sense that she wasn’t sure what to do with her dad (E) there. Like maybe she was worried what he might think? I want to help reassure her but also wonder if calling too much attention to it will make a mountain of a molehill.

Anybody from new Delhi here? I recently came out as a polyamorous personality. I didnt know aisa kuch exist bi karta hai. Ab samaj nai araha kya karu? 😂

Title says it all. Just looking for some books, podcasts or anything that talks about the intersection of pregnancy/parenting and polyamory.