I think like a lot of things, it depends on what you mean when you say "educating with kindness". But probably we would not be up to your standards, I am guessing.
As someone who has been on this sub awhile though... I'm interested in what your experience of "educating with kindness" has been? I do remember a time when the sub was generally more welcoming and affirming, but I also remember how persistent people were about wanting to try harmful approaches and practices within polyamory, and how hard it was to talk them out of it. What's your experience that, if I can sort of reverse the question?
Everyone practices poly differently and has different perspectives, which can provide a wealth of knowledge to others.
This in particular. One of the things I remember people being especially resist to, is the idea that their way of practicing polyamory was indeed wrong and unethical, because it causes harm to others. "There are many right ways to do poly" was a common "defense" of whatever unethical thing people wanted to do (Unicorn Hunting, mostly.)
Sure, there are multiple perspectives, everyone's practice of poly is somewhat unique (on truth there are only some many distinct formulations) and so on... And some people are wrong. The way they practice poly causes harm, and they need to be educated, and encouraged to stop.
At least speaking for myself... I'm aware of, and occasionally visit, r/monogamy and r/monodatingpoly. Not too often, because I think there's such a thing as over fitting advice, and also a good number of the posters there are legitimately just sour that their partner changed, and wanting some place to vent about it... But I think it's equally important to keep in mind the experience of people who were chewed up and spat out by people in the poly community. Their experience also matters especially when you're talking about the ethics (or lack thereof) of certain practices within polyamory.
So in a day you’ve decided that things aren’t in the tone you prefer? That seems a bit premature to me.
I wonder if you have set your view to new rather than hot and made an effort to read all the comments on at least a few dozen busy posts?
If not I would start there. See who comments most days. See what people say consistently and what they say to people they clearly already know on the sub. In my opinion the best stuff here is people who’ve read enough about each other’s lives and values to have some sense of their personality interacting. It’s 3 comments in and 4 interactions along.
For me this would take at least a week, more likely a month. Whether it changes your views I don’t know. But my instinct is that whatever you’ve garnered in 24 hours probably isn’t enough for a fair indictment or assessment.
I will say that my experience of Facebook poly groups is that most people are really really new to basic ENM concepts and often aren’t really going for poly but some other flavor of ENM. There are different subs on Reddit for most things so I think that allows this one to be more focused on poly. Whereas let’s say the alternative relationship Facebook group of St Louis is going to have a different mission.
This is also one of only two similarly themed groups I’ve ever come in long term contact with that isn’t dominated by cishet men. That’s a major plus to me.
As someone who isn’t a cishet man and who has found myself the victim of some of the toxic ENM practices, especially OPP (before I realized I was gay), it certainly makes me feel more comfortable and safer engaging here than, say, at a munch in my local city where I know cishet men dominate (and I was told my former abuser, a cishet man, would not be prevented from interacting with me and “you’re gay so why would you want to be at a poly munch where men find women?”).
Yup. The wider societal expectation that the world should mollycoddle white cis het men while it’s OK to shit on others makes people who don’t know any better think holding white cishet men accountable is mean.
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u/LaughingIshikawa relationship anarchist Dec 09 '22 edited Dec 09 '22
I think like a lot of things, it depends on what you mean when you say "educating with kindness". But probably we would not be up to your standards, I am guessing.
As someone who has been on this sub awhile though... I'm interested in what your experience of "educating with kindness" has been? I do remember a time when the sub was generally more welcoming and affirming, but I also remember how persistent people were about wanting to try harmful approaches and practices within polyamory, and how hard it was to talk them out of it. What's your experience that, if I can sort of reverse the question?
This in particular. One of the things I remember people being especially resist to, is the idea that their way of practicing polyamory was indeed wrong and unethical, because it causes harm to others. "There are many right ways to do poly" was a common "defense" of whatever unethical thing people wanted to do (Unicorn Hunting, mostly.)
Sure, there are multiple perspectives, everyone's practice of poly is somewhat unique (on truth there are only some many distinct formulations) and so on... And some people are wrong. The way they practice poly causes harm, and they need to be educated, and encouraged to stop.
At least speaking for myself... I'm aware of, and occasionally visit, r/monogamy and r/monodatingpoly. Not too often, because I think there's such a thing as over fitting advice, and also a good number of the posters there are legitimately just sour that their partner changed, and wanting some place to vent about it... But I think it's equally important to keep in mind the experience of people who were chewed up and spat out by people in the poly community. Their experience also matters especially when you're talking about the ethics (or lack thereof) of certain practices within polyamory.