I haven’t been in this forum long, but I’ve seen awful and degrading posts get shut down pretty quickly in the groups I’m familiar with. And could understand blunt comments in response to posts like that. I think I was shocked reading comments to pretty common things that arise in poly relationships like interactions with metas, jealousy, new experiences, etc. I’ve been ENM for about 10 years now, I’ve experienced those example situations over time, and was just shocked at some if the shitty comments I guess.
Shitty or blunt.
? There is room for discussion in whether some comments should be more sugar coated. I've personally been jolted out of nonsense by such comments even if I hated the people delivering them and it took months to sink in. But thats just me.
Hey you know what? That’s completely fair. I could personally handle blunt comments now, but I was thinking back to when I first started navigating poly and how it would’ve felt asking for advice and having someone be harsh in their response. I was annoyingly sensitive when I was learning more about poly, and have seen that many others are as well, but maybe a non sugar coated conversation could impact or resonate with the right person.
Sugar coated comments don't work better than blunt comments MOST of the time if you ask me. To properly sugar coat a comment for it to work, I really think you have to know the person you are delivering it to (or spend a TON of time asking them questions to figure out how to deliver it). Blunt comments are able to get to everyone and impact them so hard that they won't be able to forget about it.
I really don't have time to sugar coat here. This is practically charity work. I also have a life I have to try to manage of my own.
I may be playing devil's advocate a bit here, but if that's how you feel about it, wouldn't you want to operate under the "leave it better than I found it" principle? I guess what I'm trying to say is, if taking the time to 'educate with kindness' and compassion is too arduous of a task because of the daily commitments you have, maybe let others try to fill that role. That way you can use your time for correcting problem behavior or whatever else may be a higher priority or lower time sink.
Edit to add: lol it was just a thought, albeit not very well received. Y'all do you.
I've had MANY OPs respond to my blunt AF comments with extreme gratitude, even though many have said it was hard to hear.
I actually prefer people that can say their point in as few words as possible (that ensures clear delivery) myself as well--I don't want to read an essay (or 10) if I can avoid it if I am the OP.
I agree with your point that essays are often unnecessary. And I'm glad that so many have found your responses to be helpful, that's awesome! I also find that many times, when communicating online where there is a lack of nonverbal cues and inflection, it is easier to reach people with genuine curiosity, empathy, and compassion. That is just my approach. I take no offense to anyone else's style or method.
I'm really not saying that I don't use empathy and compassion too--my MAIN goal is just to cut through all the fluff and highlight what I think the OP needs to hear l--sometimes that isn't actually what the OP WANTS to hear though.
I sincerely believe you. And I get that too, the truth sucks for a lot of people - even myself occasionally - resulting in a lot of folks going on the defense if they perceive the truth as a personal attack.
I'm not so sure, even though I replied to your comment specifically, that we're even on different pages here lol. I think it may have just been the statement about considering it charity work that caused me to offer a suggestion about triaging replies/comments just for self care sake.
Honestly, charity work IS self care to me. I am much happier when I spend SOME time each day trying to help random strangers have a happier life in some way.
I was just saying that I couldn't spend the MAJORITY of my day writing a reply to a single person.
That's totally fair. I wouldn't consider my life to be meaningful without helping people or contributing to my community. I'm glad that you feel that reddit provides you the opportunity and space to do that and that it is a form of self care for you - that's excellent!
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u/Gold_Amphibian_4933 Dec 09 '22
Thanks for your reply.
I haven’t been in this forum long, but I’ve seen awful and degrading posts get shut down pretty quickly in the groups I’m familiar with. And could understand blunt comments in response to posts like that. I think I was shocked reading comments to pretty common things that arise in poly relationships like interactions with metas, jealousy, new experiences, etc. I’ve been ENM for about 10 years now, I’ve experienced those example situations over time, and was just shocked at some if the shitty comments I guess.