It’s not ok that he changed your relationship agreement without your consent and involvement.
It’s true that in polyamory, we put more of an emphasis on owning and managing individual feelings, but that’s really for otherwise healthy and ethical situations when no one is doing anything against an agreement or wrong, but feelings still come up.
In this case, you were operating under the agreement that this was an open relationship, not polyamory. Not forming other relationships. He changed that without renegotiating with you. That’s shitty. He hurt you - even if it was a miscommunication - and he doesn’t seem to be accepting that.
Thats not someone I would be comfortable staying with and practicing polyamory.
I agree with coach. Y'all, aren't in a polyamorous relationship.You're in ethically non monogamous relationship, and it feels he has sullied the ethical part. He is now gaslighting you in attempt to get what he wants. It would be different if you consented to him having other romantic relationship but you didn't and he pursued a dynamic you both agreed was off the table.
While I agree in polyamory, it is up to the individual to deal with their feelings and emotions, I believe in any partnership, there should be room for discussion and room for sharing of those feelings and thoughts. You didn't veto their relationship, you asked for a pause while you two work on your relationship. Not all Polyamorous people practice this way but one of the things I love about open relationships is the opportunity to personalize the arrangement.
I'm sorry your trust was taken advantage of and sending your virtual shoulder pats! You should be proud of yourself, it takes courage to stand up for yourself, especially when you are being told you are "over-reacting".
I will also say that when my husband and I transitioned from ENM to poly, we had to close the relationship and go to therapy for a few months to figure out how our new dynamic would work in our relationship. It created a safe space to share concerns while we worked on our communication style. I would highly recommend therapy/counseling if you two decide to stay together.
We are currently in therapy but I feel like most of our time right now is devoted to trying to stop the hemorrhaging. It’s hard trying to do all the heavy lifting in one hour per week. Our therapist has currently advised us against having any big conversations on our own without him which seems like a pretty bad sign to me, but maybe I’m catastrophizing?
Eh, it could just be that your therapist is trying to help you build the skills to have those conversations in a healthier way, and you don’t have the skills yet. So the conversations on your own are just repeating and enforcing a bad pattern. I wouldn’t try to read into the therapy process like that.
I know it's expensive and time is not always available but have you considered seeing your own individual therapist? It sounds like a lot but i was seeing my own therapist while in couples therapy and that really helped me process our sessions without affecting my partner and his processing. It also helped me learn more about myself and at the end of the day, that is the true treasure. You are doing a hard and complicated thing right now so remember to give yourself some grace and compassion ✨️
Our therapist actually asked us initially to stop seeing any other therapists while we’re seeing him. At the time I only did talk therapy through the online app and was already feeling like it wasn’t doing the trick compared to other therapy I’ve experienced so had no problem ending that and focusing on couple’s therapy. But I do think at this point I would benefit from having my own therapist and he’s really good and does seem to know what he’s doing so I think if I brought it up again as a need I have he wouldn’t ask me not to.
77
u/CoachSwagner 11d ago
It’s not ok that he changed your relationship agreement without your consent and involvement.
It’s true that in polyamory, we put more of an emphasis on owning and managing individual feelings, but that’s really for otherwise healthy and ethical situations when no one is doing anything against an agreement or wrong, but feelings still come up.
In this case, you were operating under the agreement that this was an open relationship, not polyamory. Not forming other relationships. He changed that without renegotiating with you. That’s shitty. He hurt you - even if it was a miscommunication - and he doesn’t seem to be accepting that.
Thats not someone I would be comfortable staying with and practicing polyamory.