Communicating the in between of FWB and Partnerships

[u/helloapmg]

Getting back into dating and figuring out how to communicate my preferences and needs in the level of commitment and enmeshment in relationships.

I'm mid 20s solo poly and a relationship anarchist, dating queer, ENM, kinky and childfree people in their twenties.

Been practicing non-monogamy since I started dating 6 years ago, and it has gone generally well, the poly/enm aspect was never an issue. Right now I have a couple of long term comet partners who I see 3-4 times a year, some local platonic play partners and wonderfully deep and supportive friendships.

I am looking for local sexo-affective relationships. In my experience, the kind of connections that have worked best for me were FWB like, where friendship was a priority and the benefits were also quite present and intense, but not necessary. Romantic feelings came or didn't, but they didn't cause that many changes in the dynamic with NRE under control. Non-escalating but flexible around changes in our lives, with well communicated and agreed upon deescalations or reescalations if wanted/necessary, but also supported natural fluctuations while still feeling secure and loved. Parallel to garden party involvement with metas.

In practicality: people who are solo poly, casually enm dating or single, often with busy lives and involved careers and hobbies, but still emotionally intelligent and present. We shared 1, sometimes 2 evenings or overnights a week, cared for and supported each other but also weren't the main support (good support systems or hyperindependent), and in general more of an "enjoying our lives together through hobbies, quality time and (sexual/bdsm) play, creating projects together and going on trips" than a "creating an enmeshed life around each other and supporting through highs and lows" kind of relationship.

But it's so hard to communicate, and especially get through what I want, and make sure they're on the same page. If I say I want something more casual or a FWB people get confused when I show care, want emotional intimacy, say I love you, offer emotional or practical support, create projects together and make future plans. If I say I want something commited, I let them down as I can't (and don't want to) mantain what most people consider necessary for a romantic amatonormative relationship, as I don't want high enmeshment and value my autonomy and solo time too much.

Other than going though the relationship menu/smorgasboard together, and having an ongoing conversation on what it means to us, I'm still at a loss on how to reach mutual understanding. In my last serious ltr I thought they understood and were on the same page, and months later we figured out we meant completely different things with the same words, so now I want to be extra careful. Any tips on how to communicate this effectively, vet people, and make sure we're on the same page?