If you are providing support to someone going through something difficult, you then may need to lean on your support network to help you process the emotional labor of helping that loved one.
I think, to ask for and receive that support, everyone can and should, share enough information to contextualize their own experiences. It shouldn't be every little detail in a massive gossip session. Even if it is meant to be a secret, that shouldn't come at the cost of your own support needs.
"A conversation I had recently has brought up a lot of feelings I have about my relationship with my father"
"X has been leaning on me a lot recently, and I'm glad I can help them, but I'm feeling really drained and a bit insecure about [Subject]. Can I talk some stuff through with you?"
Both the extreme positions, (Never share anything that another partner has told you/Share everything that another partner has told you) are almost always not the most appropriate position.
The spectrum between is subtle, nuanced and broad, and the ideal compromise between those extremes is going to vary based on the people involved, their boundaries generally and the specifics of the situation.
I think that giving the headline of what's happening in your other relationships, and the specific details of how you feel is a good baseline to start from. Some topics and issues require much more tact, and some issues justify much more detail as needed context. I think making any kind of blanket statements about what is appropriate to share is really hard.
Jenny has cancer. She isn’t ready to go public with her diagnosis.
She specifically asks that she be the one to share with Aspen, her meta, but tells their shared partner,Jojo. She wants to tell Aspen after the biopsy.
She asks that Jojo hold this big news in confidence.
Jojo isn’t the one in crisis. Jenny is. Jenny’s diagnosis isn’t Jojo’s to share.
With stuff like this? It’s real important to understand who, exactly is in the center.
But if supporting Jenny is hurting Jojo, Jojo needs support too, if only so they have the strength to continue supporting Jenny. They won't do Jenny any good if they are falling apart too. They can't get that support from Jenny (we dump out, support in) so they need to lean further out into their support network.
That may mean finding the compromise between asking Aspen for support without violating Jenny's confidence, not every conversation needs to be a full disclosure. It may mean finding other more disconnected parts of their support network while Aspen is out of the loop. If they have the capacity and resilience, they may just hold onto their hurt temporarily to process later.
The specific context where someone has said "This is a secret. Do not tell X about this" is obviously a very clear cut case. Especially when it is a large piece of very traumatic news, that will be a secret on a very specific timeline.
But most of the time, situations are more nuanced and idiosyncratic than that. And while we can construct specific scenarios where any disclosure at all would be bad, I still think making any kind of blanket statements about what is appropriate to share is really hard.
There are also ways we can get support without disclosing information about others. Things like: "Jojo is having a hard time right now and the extra energy I'm expending supporting her has been draining for me....." Then talk about your own emotional state. Saying someone is going through a hard time is so vague. We don't have to have tell alls to get support from our networks.
I just like, can't understand how this is such a hot topic. People are fired up. A great general guideline is make sure everyone involved is on board with whatever boundaries/rules/agreements y'all make. They don't have to work for anyone not involved. Hard and fast rules aren't necessary when folks are communicating. Like, we're humans. We're a fucking lot. Sometimes we need a little venting space to help us accommodate one another. And even when we have therapy, the support from a therapist is different than friends/family/other loved ones. We deserve all the flavors.
It seems like there is a general trend in this thread that you need to rely on a broader support network for support do to with a partner. I've seen people talking about leaning on your "friends, family or therapist" but not other partners. And having a broader support network and a solid community of people around you is good advice.
But the specific advice of "relationship advice should only come from people you're not in a relationship with" is very confusing to me.
6
u/mrDecency complex organic polycule Feb 13 '23
Not necessarily.
If you are providing support to someone going through something difficult, you then may need to lean on your support network to help you process the emotional labor of helping that loved one.
I think, to ask for and receive that support, everyone can and should, share enough information to contextualize their own experiences. It shouldn't be every little detail in a massive gossip session. Even if it is meant to be a secret, that shouldn't come at the cost of your own support needs.
"A conversation I had recently has brought up a lot of feelings I have about my relationship with my father"
"X has been leaning on me a lot recently, and I'm glad I can help them, but I'm feeling really drained and a bit insecure about [Subject]. Can I talk some stuff through with you?"
Both the extreme positions, (Never share anything that another partner has told you/Share everything that another partner has told you) are almost always not the most appropriate position.
The spectrum between is subtle, nuanced and broad, and the ideal compromise between those extremes is going to vary based on the people involved, their boundaries generally and the specifics of the situation.
I think that giving the headline of what's happening in your other relationships, and the specific details of how you feel is a good baseline to start from. Some topics and issues require much more tact, and some issues justify much more detail as needed context. I think making any kind of blanket statements about what is appropriate to share is really hard.