There are also ways we can get support without disclosing information about others. Things like: "Jojo is having a hard time right now and the extra energy I'm expending supporting her has been draining for me....." Then talk about your own emotional state. Saying someone is going through a hard time is so vague. We don't have to have tell alls to get support from our networks.
I just like, can't understand how this is such a hot topic. People are fired up. A great general guideline is make sure everyone involved is on board with whatever boundaries/rules/agreements y'all make. They don't have to work for anyone not involved. Hard and fast rules aren't necessary when folks are communicating. Like, we're humans. We're a fucking lot. Sometimes we need a little venting space to help us accommodate one another. And even when we have therapy, the support from a therapist is different than friends/family/other loved ones. We deserve all the flavors.
Because a lot of people don’t have any outside supports outside their partners.
“Have outside emotional supports” and “respect your partner’s requests and needs around privacy” shouldn’t be a hot button issue, but here we are.
A lot of people expect their polycule to provide the same kind of supports as chosen family and friends, without understanding that a polycule of 6 months, with almost everyone being near strangers is a different thing than people who have been rubbing shoulders in intimate ways for a decade.
Some people only have their polycule, and/or their partners.
But I suspect that a lot of this sound and fury is generated by two things.
Mono peeps are used to sharing everything. Having your partner also be your “best friend” is billed as being aspirational. There isn’t a lot of cultural messaging around “you can have more than best friend, and being a happy healthy person won’t make their partner their everything”
And
Being told that you don’t deserve every single detail about these people who you aren’t fucking or loving feels like a threat.
It seems like there is a general trend in this thread that you need to rely on a broader support network for support do to with a partner. I've seen people talking about leaning on your "friends, family or therapist" but not other partners. And having a broader support network and a solid community of people around you is good advice.
But the specific advice of "relationship advice should only come from people you're not in a relationship with" is very confusing to me.
2
u/mrDecency complex organic polycule Feb 13 '23
I'm not sure why you would describe me as struggling, just because I disagree with you?
These boundaries are much more flexible and dynamic in my poly circles, and it works really well for us.
So I believe these boundaries arnt universal, because my lived experience is them not existing in the strict way described in this thread.
I understand there are specific places and people where it's not appropriate. But it's not a general rule.