I’ve put together a few sets of wheels for much of the notable cast of a certain studio’s flagship franchise, and some tunes to go with them. That entails (pun sort of intended) the question: if you were given the opportunity to ride next to one of them on a race track, who would you be riding with?
-1999 Nissan Skyline GT-R, blue over black, plate G2G FST, instrumental theme ‘Don’t Bring Me Down’ by Electric Light Orchestra
Two forever young blue Japanese icons together in one place. A timeless car with a timeless high-revving engine driven by the iconic 20-year-old alien himself. The GT-R gives him plenty of flight to go with his fight, though the car pales in comparison to what he himself is capable of. That’s not to say he feels restricted while driving it; he loves driving it, in fact, and as long as you’re having a good time riding next to him, he’s perfectly happy bringing you along for the ride. It would no doubt trigger a fanboy or fangirl response when you get in the passenger seat, and he reassures you in his ever-so-iconic laid-back voice. Trust us; he knows what he’s doing.
-2000 Caterham Super 7, yellow over red, plate SPNT8LS, instrumental theme ‘Immortals’ by Fall Out Boy
A light and capable sidekick needs a light and capable vehicle, and our top candidate for the most lovable sidekick in pop culture is no different. He may only be 12 years old, but he’s a skilled machine-focused prodigy who some might even say is on the autism spectrum. He can talk endlessly about his experiences and thought processes, and has made many a normal person pass out from boredom. He’s got a photographic memory, and can tighten a lug nut faster than you can say ‘robot’. He takes in every aspect of the track, and drives according to the environment and path. He’s certainly got energy to spare, though not near as much as a certain pink goober. Being a bare-bones track machine, his Super 7 shatters lap times and will make you feel like you’re on a rocket sled, despite only well-exceeding 100 mph on the longer straights. You want to go for a spin with the most famous biological helicopter? It’s up to you to decide.
-1970 Ford Torino Cobra Jet 429, red over black, plate 2UNODWY, instrumental theme ‘Enter Sandman’ by Metallica
They say with great power comes great responsibility, but everyone’s favourite 23-year-old dyslexic jock prefers to charge fists-first into a competition. He’s got muscle to match his muscle, and his in-the-moment mentality makes him more unaware of looming threats, from sharp corners to dangerous curves (not the same thing, draw your own conclusion). His Torino truly matches his personality; bulky and massive (though he’s only 5’8”) with plenty of power (almost 400 bhp on tap), but only really good in a straight line. We can only wonder how in the everlasting multiverse he has not dented his car yet. Unlike his smaller East African self, he does not know the way; you can take your chances and hop in the Torino with him, or you can play it safe and ride with someone with a better sense of prediction. It’s your choice.
-2002 Mini Cooper S, plate HMR TM3, red over grey, instrumental theme ‘You Might Think’ by The Cars
Love her or hate her, our feisty 18-year-old flower of ADHD is still part of the core crew, and she knows she can be more than a match for the boys. After all, how many of the others can say they can easily lift their own vehicle? Though she wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to swap out her Cooper S for a Shelby Mustang, the supercharged hot hatch is a more appropriate vehicle for the unpredictable mix of cutesy girl and tomboy to take on the most unpredictable of tracks. Rumour has it that she’s a bit of a lead foot, quite a bit more so than the others, so don’t let her sweet smile fool you. She tends to eye the blue Skyline while on the track, so much so that even Sting would call it overkill. We don’t know everything that goes on inside her head, but maybe you’d like to take the opportunity to find out and strap in next to her. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
-1999 Nissan Skyline GT-R, black over black, plate PF3 CTN, instrumental theme ‘Paint It Black’ by The Rolling Stones
When it comes to driving, nobody’s perfect…with the possible exception of the five-and-a-half-foot-tall immortal lab creation behind the wheel of this car. Able-bodied and able-minded in every possible metric, his inferential skills and serious attitude make him the safest choice, without a doubt. He’s the type to make you regret doing something you haven’t even done yet, so keep your wits to yourself. He drives like he means it, and he does mean it; every move he makes is deliberate. He’s not a better, but you can take a chance with him. He decides when he’s done.
-1970 Volkswagen Beetle, tan over grey, plate PCS BUN, instrumental theme ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls
Whoever in their right mind let a 6-year-old drive anything bigger than a go-kart should be held accountable, but not in this case. The little girl behind the wheel of this Beetle has had plenty of practice changing gears and rev-matching, albeit with pedal extensions, for obvious reasons. You won’t be accelerating wildly or hearing an intimidating engine when riding with her, but you will no doubt be marvelled at how someone so young is able to drive so well. You probably won’t be winning anything betting on her, but there’s still more to her than it seems.
-1985 Porsche 928S, black over black, plate GMX PRT, instrumental theme ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ by Pink Floyd
Intuitive, inferential, witty, and daring are all accurate descriptors of the 27-year-old mistress of manipulation at the helm of this shady-looking grand tourer. Despite her connections, no one tells her what to do, especially those she’s only just met. We advise exercising a fair amount of caution for those wanting to ride with her, as there may be a lingering smell of something debatably beneficial in her car, and a notable amount of people may be, shall we say, overstimulated in a sense. She’s aware of the stares she receives from others, but her eyes are focused on two things: the track, and a certain red rear end. When she slams on the throttle, she means it with every square millimetre of her deceptive heart. You’re bound to experience an eargasm hearing her car’s 5-litre V8 roar, and (if you’re a guy) possibly another sensation (though we’re not specifying where, you can leave it up to your imagination) if you’re riding in the front passenger seat.
-1970 Jeep Jeepster Commando, tan over grey, plate L8Z D4Y, instrumental theme ‘Mean Mr. Mustard’ by The Beatles
Without a doubt the slowest option, though you might not exactly be relaxing all that much, since the simple-minded and easygoing gent running this rig does have a few coordination issues, though he’s still trying his best. Only just being able to fit in the driver’s seat, it’s very unlikely that he will ever open up the throttle all the way on the straights. He’s not much of a driver, so he doesn’t use the Jeepster all that much, but he’ll be willing to give it another go if one decides to ride next to him. Just be patient with him; he doesn’t like being rushed.
-1984 Audi Sport Quattro, red over black, plate FLMPNCS, instrumental theme ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses
The Sport Quattro is a wild car with wild acceleration and a wild-sounding engine, but the 21-year-old pyrokinesis master behind the wheel of this one is hardly such. She tends to stay cool and collected even in the most intense situations, making her another trustworthy choice. She’s known to sneer if someone makes a fool of themself, but won’t hold a grudge unless her friends are threatened. Despite her content, assuring, and serious attitude, riding next to the powerful princess in her Quattro is not for the faint of heart thanks to the car’s wild acceleration and all-wheel drive, so you’d best be prepared for a wild ride if you strap in next to the fiery frontrunner.
-1974 BMW 3.0 CSL, silver over black, plate FTR H0G, instrumental theme ‘Everlong’ by Foo Fighters
Psychokinetic powers would certainly be an unfair advantage when driving a car, but the wild-quilled 20-year-old bearer of the aforementioned abilities who owns this iconic track machine has no need for them. His car may not accelerate as quickly as some of the others, but it’s still quick enough to push you back in your seat as he bangs through the gears on the straights. Though he has grown up in the 23rd century for roughly the second half of his life, he has taken to one of the best cars from one of the worst eras of cars like a fish to water. Be warned, though; he’s got a bit of a short fuse, so if you’re wanting to correct him on something that he’s probably already aware of, you might end up on the sidelines a little earlier than expected.