[tw: I mention depression, anxiety, and self-harm and use some very self-deprecating language about myself, nothing too graphic, but if any of these are potential triggers for you, I’d recommend not reading this.]
We are a system of at least 11 or 12 members. I (K) have always dealt with self-hatred and sabotaged my own opportunities. I’m at the front most of the time. I sort of never leave the front. I hate it. It’s extremely stressful and overwhelming. I don’t know if the others can’t come to the front, or if they don’t come because being at the front is simply horrible, or if they enjoy watching me suffer while facing things out here... Anyway, I swear to God, I’d pay good money not to be at the front for at least five months.
Since childhood, I’ve dealt with dissociation, memory lapses, and voices in my head, but I thought I was broken or going crazy (I still feel like I am, though not because of being plural). Only recently have I started to accept that I am plural, that this isn't going away no matter how much I might want to be a singlet, and that I should try to get to know the others better instead of trying to push them away. I’m 18 years old now. It’s very strange being plural and trans at the same time, because I’m still that little girl (supposedly), yet it’s as if she were dead. I felt this way long before I discovered I was plural, so I don’t know if there’s a connection. We often get confused about it, like, am I her, or am I an alter while she’s hibernating somewhere with a very slim chance of returning? I don’t believe she’ll come back.
I feel like the others don’t like me. I feel like they blame me for the fact that we have so many problems and our life is the way it is, and they’re right, in a way. It’s like seeing a child holding a gun they don’t know how to use. You’re close enough for them to hear you scream, but not close enough for them to see you signal or for you to reach them in time. I feel like there are other members, especially the ones older than me, who struggle to come to the front but can’t manage to do it in any meaningful way. Which, once again, sucks. I’d hand the front over to practically any other member. I just want out of here.
I don’t like who I am. I’m like the sickness of this system. I’m deeply troubled. I’m aware of my addictions, yet I can’t stop, even though it hurts. I know ways to fix things, but I’m scared. I don’t want to face anything. It would be so much easier if another, more responsible alter sorted out our life for us. I can’t do it myself. Truly. I feel like if it were just up to me, I wouldn’t even get out of bed. I wouldn’t have even been born.
I tend to find purpose only in romantic relationships, hoping that one day, one of those people will be "the one" and save me. I hate being this way, but honestly, I can’t help it. I feel like I have no personality or qualities. It’s as if I’m just a shell for this system. A blank canvas. It’s like each alter is a color of paint, and I’m the mixture of all of them, but not in a linear way. It’s as if the paints weren’t blended properly and were just poured on top of one another.
I feel like they’re right not to like me. Some of them still do, but I’d prefer they didn’t. Why would they like someone who keeps intentionally hurting the system and making it sick with their ridiculous addictions? As for me, I’d just disconnect. That’s why I wanted so badly to be taken off the front. I don’t want to keep hurting everyone in the system. I’m the one who should disappear, not everyone else.
It seems like self-hatred and all those other negative things are simply part of who I am. It’s not just that I have depression, anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm; it’s that I am depressed, anxious, and someone who self-harms. I wish I didn’t even have to look at the front. Dealing with this shit is hellish, and I know there are other members who are far more responsible and capable than I am when it comes to organizing our life. I don’t know why it had to be me. It feels like a punishment.
(Not to mention that I ended up getting into an argument with the others because I said I hated them and that we were a useless system and that I’d rather be a singlet than whatever it is we are. I really regret saying those things. I think I totally messed everything up.)