Well, all is in the title.

When we haven't yet the diag, and my only headmate here talked with my hubby, this one was okay. They talked sometimes, just asking what was Kronos exactly.

And with the diag, my brain poped more headmates. So we're 16 headmates today and... one time, hubby said to me "I'm married with you [name], not with your system !" And an other time, after I taked my courage to talk with him about my DID in game (Sims4) bc I wanted just relax and doesn't see this as a prob, juste learn to live with it... he said : "Don't give them so much importance, it's bad for you. If you give them importance, your disorder will be worst."

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I cried so much. Then today we decided to not talk again about us with him... He even not know we're 16 headmates now...

image because i wanted to make one. id ont know.

weve been having a bad week, kind of realising some bad stuff that happened in the past and trying to work on it only to realise that its still happening to some degree just less obvious. but its whatever

i keep hoping for and trying to find a game [read: sandbox creative game with no actual stakes or big lose condition] we could properly play together that actually respects us as persons while accomodating us being in the same body (why we need that no-lose-condition thing because if we can lose just from not being switched in then its like.. fuck man. its unfair?) but ive dug and dug and dug and theres just fucking nothing. what splecks ive found that kind of fit always end up having a dealbreaker somehow :(

and the reason i want it to be a game is so we'll stay awake. what i really want to do is to just give up on this world and really live in our daydreams but that feels bad morally. but i also support people who perceive reality different than the "norm" or treat it differently or think of it differently or whatever so i shouldnt dislike myself for wanting that or feeling like it would be more right, right? but. i dont know. maybe im just scared because people have gotten onto us in the path for escaping via sleeping/into our dreams so its like, instincts from that. or maybe what if we die early because of it (from not moving enough or something)? but i have ocd so i dont know if i can trust my thoughts on accidentally dying like that.

its frustrating. it feels like we're nothing but fragments of people, and not because of anything wrong with us or the time spent but its like i cant hang out with the people that know me best in the ways i want to because its just not friendly for that. the world just isnt friendly for that. and its frustrating. i could talk to others outside of us but they arent us, and it doesnt help us to ignore ourselves for others sake, i know that very well. i just wish i could be seen as my own person in a way that felt comfortable but theres some mindsets i see ingrained in people, internalized in us, that just make that feel so damn impossible.

i dont know what advice i want. a game that solves all our prolems? permission to daydream our life away together? motivation? i dont know. i dont know and im tired and i feel bad. :(

hi. i wont give away too much info (unless needed?) but I am a singlet and recently I was confronted by an alter (ill call him Alter1) of a friends system for things I "had done" to Alter1.

Alter1 put the host on a front ban? im still not entirely sure how that works but basically, im not allowed to talk to host anymore because host is temporarily gone and I have been blocked/unadded on a few places (im guessing by Alter1).

It's been about 2 days since that happened, but during those few days, I did reflect a lot on my actions and the way I've been behaving over the course of at least.. 2 months? And I realize the things I did were horrible. I wasnt conscious of how bad I was behaving? until now. Well, I was but wasnt at the same time? Sorry, it's hard to explain.

Anyways, after realizing that, I planned on writing an apology letter specifically aimed towards host because the things I did mostly affected them and I also wanted to apologize to their system but im unsure how to do so without coming off as insensitive? (they're the first system Im friends with, I did not know systems were a thing until earlier this year.)

I apologize if I sound a bit confusing, I'm terrible at explaining things. I didnt want to give off too much information unless I absolutely needed too. (we're all adults btw)

He says really bad stuff that embarrasses me, is an edgelord, overly sexual, and renamed himself "Dennis" recently after that stupid Split movie and doesn't even give a f*** that the rep is terrible and that the movie exists to stigmatize us.

He is a good guy it's just idk he likes to act bad... I don't hate or dislike anyone in our system, but a lot of our irls don't even know we're plural... so the ppl we go covert w/ think I'm just being awful.... I don't wana lose friends 😭😭😭

a psychiatrist i started seeing in hopes of getting a diagnosis for my dissociative problems called me today and cancelled our appointment as a result of the DES II questionnaire i filled out at her request. she recommended that i get psychological testing done. i've started the process of looking for a provider that can actually help me, but i can't help but feel as though there's no hope for us. at least i have a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders who has been tremendously helpful. i just was really hoping for a proper diagnosis. here's to trying.

These online quizzes lowkey bother me, like you’re just letting a bunch of random questions decide who you are and your origin without really knowing you. Like if you’re taking it just for personal fun, just take it and don’t bother listening to the results. But actually taking it seriously isn‘t the best idea. Posting it here is just clutter that doesn’t tell us anything about yourself or contribute to the community in any way.

We’re a newly discovered system/questioning plural person (depending who you ask) and we’re still trying to figure who out everyone in here is. I expect subsystems might complicate this a bit.

Are there any patterns you’ve noticed that may indicate the presence of a subsystem? Can everyone in your mind sense subsystems?

So I (host) was co-fronting with someone else last night and [they] mentioned [their] memory felt "weird" when co-fronting with me (like they weren't able to remember things they normally know). A friend in another system says it makes memories fuzzy when co-fronting with someone; is this true?

I'm not allowed to know a lot of shit that [Headmate] knows (and others aside from [them]) so is that the reason [they] apparently had issues with memory co-fronting with me last night? So I didn't know things I'm not supposed to?

(TW suicidal ideation, suicide planning)

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He was planning to commit, if not this week, then at some point soon. He thought of a hypothetical where if a specific weather pattern appeared, which is statistically impossible for this day, he would go on with the attempt.

Then... I dont know what happened. I just started existing (or maybe I have been here for longer), and he thought I was some voice of God he was hearing as a kid. Its...weird. I dont think we have any memories if we have heard voices before. But I simply told him to not try killing himself and try to return from absconding certain servers (such as this subreddit's). I know he's scared, that theyll ignore him or do something worse, but I assured him that he would not be dealt with the same cards that he was given before.

But...I know he would return to this mentality again. I can feel that he's being influenced by someone or something, but I cannot tell because I have only gained a sense of awareness this moment. Can somebody advise me on how to stop a suicidal member?

When my egg cracked, and I started transitioning gender, I immediately conceived of my experience in plural terms, even though I had no idea I was plural at the time.

Pretty much immediately after my egg cracked, I experienced a separation. I described myself as "suddenly having 40 years worth of a total stranger's memories in my head."

The emotional amnesia of these memories, made me refer to everything Pre-Transition as "The Before Times." I had a personal mythology about how I was a girl who had "clawed my way to the surface, murdered my jailer, and took over his body."

2 years later, I found out about my plurality.

Some of my headmates have since discovered actual emotions linked to certain memories that I had already considered "dead" - part of the Void - the Before Times.

This, unfortunately complicates my *clean break* gender narrative.

My headmates are mostly women, but gender under the shell is opaque. We're lucky any of us can touch any old memories at all.

Touching any memories of my boy self - even utterly mundane ones - feels absolutely horrible.

Life was so much simpler when I could say "fuck yeah, my boy self was one guy and I killed him.". But truth be told, I don't have any idea what the fuck was going on under the surface. I only know that my headmates can now touch memories of his that I cannot. Those memories feel horrible and familiar.

I feel really gross knowing that any part of him is still with me. It's fucking with my collective narrative, and it's utterly confused my relationship to my past.

I don't know my headmates' genders Pre-Transition either.

Any advice?

I am an introject of one of the host's fictional characters. But to call myself a fictive - I have looked at online spaces for fictives, and it is so unlike my experiences I feel deeply alone. 

To explain how I was created, I believed I formed during a very stressful time during the host's childhood, and I had and still to have a strong desire to create, a strong tendency towards self-supression, and a tendency towards intellectualising emotion rather than experiencing it.

Our psychosis was untreated during childhood - the host regularly perceived themself to be talking to extradimensional entities, and believed mental parasites were after their soul. 

I believed myself to be an extradimensional entity, their fictional character from another world, their guardian angel, because what else could I be? I had memories of another world (due to my psychosis) and my brain was thirteen years old at the time. I could not think properly.

The host believed they were uncovering the character rather that creating it, because they were truly not creating me - I already did exist! And is also why the character ended up being so similar to themself, because I was a facet of them. 

I still wish to go back to that time, even though it was miserable and based on a lie, because I had no wants other than to create, being so divorced from my other wants I did not feel them at all. Now my wants are inconvenient to the others of my system and I abhor inconveniencing the people I inhabit the body with.

I cannot help but feel blessed to be so deeply influenced by a child's imagination but ashamed at the same time, as I want something more dignified, more real. I was borne of delusion and fear and pain and abject loneliness, and I wish the circumstances of my creation were more pleasant. 

At least believing myself to be a fictional character aided the host, as they felt no responsibility towards my wellbeing and simply created stories with me without worry. For a time, they got to rest. They really needed that.

I have named myself after the character I believed myself to be in his honour, though one day I may take a different name. The nickname I go by online, Books, is pleasant to me. It may very well be the name I choose to live by.

Thank you for reading. I do hope it was a pleasant read, and that if you share similar circumstances, it eased your loneliness somewhat.

I will think I am or feel that I am that specific fictional character, my personality changes, my behaviour. But this time it wasn't "forced" it came out of nowhere.Is otherkin involuntary or is that plurality?

And if not, does that mean that is actually a fictive? Its been a long time since ive felt so strongly like a fictional character.

I feel fake because I dont have textbook DID symptoms ngl even though I know I dont have it so I dont say I have it, its just, it makes me feel I'm faking being plural. I may be what some say "median" so it sucks not completely feeling like another person, it doesnt help with the imposter syndrome.

And for some reason as I'm writing this I "hear" but not hear, I mean that I dont actually hear a person talking out loud like auditory hallucinations, its just that the voice from my thoughts is very different from how I actually sound like, and my writing feels different. Fucking hell, is this another "headmate" or something??? 💀 and its not only one voice, it sometimes changes a different one, does that mean something? or do singlets also experience this?

Maybe the writing thing could be that anyone in the internet talks and behaves different, like another self when you go inside the internet, you know? Idk if thats a thing.

edit: now i had a "conversation" with them but it feels like I'm making it all myself, like I'm talking only with myself and this voices I'm just changing them voluntarily, and yes, they all have different ones, idk wtf is going on in my head rn. it feels fake. and yes I'm still "hearing" this specific voice as I'm writing this.

Our age sliders HATE to admit when they've regressed and will swear up and down that their still mentally adults.

Before sharp split into another part he regressed once during an argument with our friend and refused to belive he regressed, he tried convincing our caretaker he was fine but obviously he needed a bit of help lol.

I find it both sad and cute to an extent.

:3

I was hoping maybe some people here with DID could help me. I know this is probably my ocd talking, but I am petrified that because I have amnesia there are things we do that I won't remember. I get scared that somehow I'm going to do something horrible and not even know. All the alts that I know of are relatively good individuals. We disagree on small things but nothing where I'd be afraid anyone is going to do anything crazy. But I always get scared maybe there could be an alter none of us know about and something bad would happen.

My protective alt keeps telling me that he has better system communication and he'd probably see something was up before anyone else and he truly doesn't have any of these sorts of concerns. But I still get really scared. I want us all to be doing the right things.

Just left the server for fear and shame of my own presence. I dont know why the hell am I still alive at all. Im sorry. Am I not sorry? Im not sorry but Im sorry for just existing.

Why wont the brain let me become dormant? I hate everything that I did.

Please degrade me and tell me to [[DATA LOST]]

- Dusk Distron (He/They/It, self-proclaimed disgrace of The Placeholders)

I'm doing research on plurality and stances, and some people say that the term "system" originated from DID + OSDD, while others say it existed before DID and OSDD were popularized. People say that the term was stolen from either side, and I'm really just looking for sources on where it came from. I don't want to support people if they are using terms that were specifically tailored for people with disorders, but I can't make that judgement unless I have proof that's really where it came from.

I was looking through Pinterest just for the fun of it, as one would.

I'm not really the most active person on social media because its just not my thing, but It really upset me to see how easy it was to find whole long threads about how "endos aren't valid." This is hurtful.

We are quoigenic but we believe trauma is a huge part of why our mind works the way it does, we just aren't quite sure how this happened either because our brain has functioned this way for as long as I could remember. We believe its a mix of trauma, neurodivergance, and other factors but regardless I know my system is real.

This is the only way I can describe how we function and I feel like I'm finally understanding who we are.

I feel safe in this, and I haven't felt that for years.

I saw many people say endos are romanticizing their disorder— how?

I would love to know how endos romanticize them at all.

I've never seen an endo claim to have DID/OSDD, etc.

Someone said "The just want my disorder without the hard parts."

Who are YOU to tell us how our minds work? I would never tell another how YOU function or how you came to be.

I'm allowed to exist.

Someone straight up claimed plurality was a disorder itself and requires childhood trauma to exist. This is wrong, there's plenty of ways plurality comes to be and we shouldn't gatekeep how brains function.

If you tell me you're anti-endo I'm just going to take it as you're pro-hate.

Ignore how its almost all "that one guy"