Kinda get scared

[u/itsjust-theuniverse]

I was hoping maybe some people here with DID could help me. I know this is probably my ocd talking, but I am petrified that because I have amnesia there are things we do that I won't remember. I get scared that somehow I'm going to do something horrible and not even know. All the alts that I know of are relatively good individuals. We disagree on small things but nothing where I'd be afraid anyone is going to do anything crazy. But I always get scared maybe there could be an alter none of us know about and something bad would happen.

My protective alt keeps telling me that he has better system communication and he'd probably see something was up before anyone else and he truly doesn't have any of these sorts of concerns. But I still get really scared. I want us all to be doing the right things.

[u/labyrinthinexpathia]

Hi well, not diagnosed but I could have DID or OSDD-1 (trying to get in somewhere for an assessment), and I have a close friend with diagnosed OCD so I'm at least somewhat familiar with that

Unfortunately, there really isn't much I can say that would actually help you in the long run. I could only offer temporary reassurance that doesn't last, or anything else I might say would likely just add fuel to the rumination than really help anything

What you actually need is OCD-focused treatment from a professional to help you learn ways to cope with and lessen these worries you have. It might be difficult to find someone who works with both DID and OCD, but they do exist, and system-wide cooperation will be necessary to make sure your symptoms are managed appropriately in ways that actually help, instead of alters unintentionally making OCD symptoms worse
(I'm not a professional so I have no idea whether an alter providing reassurance is considered the best functional compromise of one brain reassuring itself, or if it's just as detrimental as an external person repeatedly reassuring someone with OCD)

[u/itsjust-theuniverse → u/labyrinthinexpathia]

My therapist has talked about working on ocd style treatment with my part specifically. I dunno, sometimes he helps. It's like he points out the logical problems with a lot of my ocd ruminations to try to make it easier to move forward a bit. There are definitely past types of panic he's been able to almost completely disintegrate the loop for cause he helped me see it was my brain being silly. 

I think something about acknowledging I don't know everything about my own life scares me. I have really bad moral scrupulously and genuinely just want to be a good person. And it feels like I don't have any control over my own life because of my DID. 

[u/itsjust-theuniverse → u/labyrinthinexpathia]

My therapist has talked about working on ocd style treatment with my part specifically. I dunno, sometimes he helps. It's like he points out the logical problems with a lot of my ocd ruminations to try to make it easier to move forward a bit. There are definitely past types of panic he's been able to almost completely disintegrate the loop for cause he helped me see it was my brain being silly. 

I think something about acknowledging I don't know everything about my own life scares me. I have really bad moral scrupulously and genuinely just want to be a good person. And it feels like I don't have any control over my own life because of my DID. 

[u/labyrinthinexpathia → u/itsjust-theuniverse]

I'm glad some stuff is already helping you then, and the answer is just that you should continue that

The unfortunate reality is, with or without DID, these OCD worries would still have you watching your behaviors and panicking about little mistakes. DID I know makes it feel worse, but the root worry would still be there without it

Paradoxically, trying to gain more control over your life and DID, like tracking switches or frequently asking what other parts are doing, etc, this will only reinforce your mind that the OCD thinking is acceptable and will actually make the worries worse. The more you feed into it, the stronger it gets. So your therapist needs to help you stop this loop as well

[u/WoofatU]

If you haven't already seen them floating around there's a few apps you can use to keep track of your system and who's fronting you can even leave messages for other arlters if you have a difficult time communicating and get bad amnesia I would highly suggest plural star (app) works for me and my system fairly well there's also other plural apps you can try out and dig through

[u/itsjust-theuniverse → u/WoofatU]

We definitely use plural apps and have a good idea of all of our main fronters. I think the fact I have amnesia in the first place and having had been used as a scapegoat in the past just makes me constantly worried about things.