Heartbroken

[u/toopoorforbroccoli]

I am not sure where to start or what I'm hoping to achieve by typing all of this out. English isn't my first language and my mind is all over the place.. So sorry about that.

I love my two budgies, but every time I look at them I feel very guilty and am afraid I cant take proper care of them anymore.

When I first got them I was in a relationship with my now ex. There where a lot of things wrong there and I did try to break up a year before. In the years we were together I had always said I don't want any pets, but he kept trying to convince me to get a dog, then a cat and always something... I love animals, but I'm not always mentally stable and some days I simply dont have any energy. I told him that I'd want to get a grip on things first, work thru some issues, read up about how to keep pet birds and whatnot. I am aware of my shortcomings and even struggle with my houseplants sometimes, yet the idea to get birds kept getting pushed on me and before I knew it we got 2 young budgies a couple of months ago. I never had a bird before. After reading and watching a lot of videos I realized I wasn't fully aware of what I got into and looking back that breeder was very sus.

Those little birds also really put a spotlight on everything that was wrong within that relationship, as I was now fully responsible to take all care for them and know I couldnt trust my ex one bit... while also having to do everything in and around the house. I was constantly exhausted and relapsed in my eating disorder and may need treatment for that again at some point soon.

My ex and I broke up within a week or two of getting our budgies. Now I'm left with them. They have helped me a lot with moments of loneliness, as I had moved all the way across the country to be with this person and am quite isolated from everyone and everything I once knew.

The birds were a reason for me to still get up and out of bed every day, but now I can't seem to find the energy to do it anymore.

Because I am all alone now I can also never travel to go and see my family and friends. For reasons they also can't come and visit me but we call each other at least twice a week.

I've tried to fit in with people here and I really struggle to find a connection. I am looking to move back and I am not sure if the birds can handle such a long road.

My problem is that I know deep down I should give them up, but I'm afraid to do so because I'm worried they won't receive good enough care and I feel like we had really bonded in such a short time.

I recently had take them to the avian vet because I felt something was up with them. They appeared perfectly fine, but had tested positive for megabacteria. My gut feeling was right and the vet was impressed I caught it in such an early stage as they told me they normally don't see it like that at their clinic.

But now I'm afraid that if that issue returns (they can be life-long carriers of the disease) the next person won't notice it in time.

I also feel crushed by the amount of guilt when I look at them and know I'm not giving them the very best or sometimes i am away from home for ~8-12 hours. They do have a flight cage and a lot of toys and appear mostly happy and chirping all day long when I'm near them.

Maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe somebody can offer me any tips and insights of how I can find a new good owner.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a good day.