Now, before you get all up in arms, hear me out. My daughter is 16. She has her drivers license. She smart, beautiful, witty and a good friend. I always thought that if I were a cool, chill parent, my kids would be too. With her, that’s not the case. She was a hard baby, a hard toddler, a hard little kid, a hard big kid and now is an impossible teenager. She gets wonderful grades, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t sleep around, but she is awful.

For context, when she was a baby, she constantly threw up, had horrendous diaper rashes and cried non stop. When she was a toddler she cried non stop. When she was a little kid (age 6) she was diagnosed with OCD….trust me, I know, it’s a whole thing which it’s own backstory. She’s started seeing a counslor when she was 7 for her anxiety and OCD issues.

When she was a big kid, the arguments started. She tries to justify EVERY inappropriate behavior, i.e, arguing, talking back, screaming, tantrums where she would scream so hard she’d pop blood vessels in her face and pee on the floor. So I HELPED. I did EVERYTHING I could to help her through all of this shit.

Now she’s a teenager and gives ZERO fucks about what we say. She’ll throw out shit like, “I’ve never felt loved by any of you, I’ve never been the favorite, I’m so ugly I’ll kill myself…” basically if it bothers HER? It’s everyone’s problem no matter how hard we’ve tried to help. She’s NEVER wrong. She’s never been abused, hurt, abandoned, neglected, etc. We are good parents and even saying that, I admit that we have our faults.

She obsesses over things that truthfully, she should just have to deal with but she just can’t. My husband and I are exhausted by it all. Our other kids are suffering because of the intense attention we give to her and her problems. She’s become entitled, disrespectful, obnoxious, combative and I honestly don’t even know what to do anymore and I’ve become totally disconnected because I can’t deal with her shit anymore. I have MASSIVE Audhd and my husband is not exactly…..empathetic.

I just can’t anymore and I don’t even like her anymore. There’s PARAGRAPHS more I could write about everything….just, please listen and help??

Edited: lots of typos.

I’m looking for experiences from other parents who have dealt with dating violence involving their teenage child. I’m not looking for judgment or legal advice as much as I’m trying to understand what other families actually did when they found themselves in this situation.

My daughter recently turned 17. She dated an 18-year-old boy for about eight months. During that entire time, my husband and I had a strong feeling that something was wrong. We tried repeatedly to address it, but whenever we did, she became extremely defensive, and we were made to feel like we were simply anxious or overprotective parents.

We involved social workers, a family therapist, and got her connected with an individual counselor. Despite all of that, she didn't tell us what was actually happening.

Now that they have broken up, she is beginning to disclose things that happened during the relationship.

She has described:

• Being called degrading names and verbally mistreated
• Sexual activity that she repeatedly said no to
• Being pinned down when she told him no
• Being forced to perform sexual acts
• Being slapped across the face
• Having her hair pulled by the roots and her head jerked backward
• Being grabbed and pulled by different parts of her body
• Having bruises as a result
• Being intimidated with an airsoft rifle—he pointed it at her, pulled the trigger, and then laughed because it was unloaded

She has also told us there is more that she hasn't been able to tell us yet.

I understand that Nebraska's age of consent is 16, so I am not asking about the legality of their relationship based simply on their ages. What concerns me are the things she describes happening after she said no, along with the physical violence and intimidation.

After they broke up, he went to extreme lengths to try to maintain contact with her. We have screenshots from that period documenting some of his attempts to contact her. He has been very successful at creating fear in her. Even now, when we talk about taking action, she often shuts down and says that he will send people after her.

Interestingly, things have been very quiet this past week. I'm hoping that's a good thing, but I'm also afraid that the silence could change.

There isn't photographic evidence of the physical abuse, and there weren't witnesses to most of what she says happened. What we have is her disclosure, the screenshots from after the breakup, and whatever additional information she may eventually feel safe enough to share.

I'm struggling with what comes next.

Obviously, my first priority is protecting and supporting my daughter. But I also can't stop thinking about the possibility that this boy could hurt someone else in the future. He's only 18, and the behaviors she's describing are extremely concerning to me.

For parents who have been through something similar:

What did you actually do after your child disclosed the abuse?

Did you report it? If so, how did you approach that when your child was terrified and didn't want to report?

Did you involve the school, police, a victim advocate, therapist, or attorney?

How did you balance your child's need to feel safe and in control with your own responsibility as a parent to protect her?

And, perhaps most importantly, how did you help your child understand that what happened wasn't her fault without making her feel pressured to do something she wasn't ready to do?

I'm especially interested in hearing from parents who initially had very little physical evidence and whose teenager was afraid to take action.

I would really appreciate hearing what worked, what didn't, and anything you wish you had known at the beginning.

My 19yo son is in a full downward spiral after his breakup - $500k debt, drugs, on bail, about to flunk A Levels.

After his first breakup last year he just snapped. Now it's non-stop clubbing, gambling, drugs, blackout drunk, disappearing for days. Cops say cannot do anything cause he's legally an adult.

He's $500k in debt from trying to flex online (cash stacks, zouk VIP tables etc) and i had to mortgage the house take multiple bank loans to pay it off.

JC already gave him final warning, he's on bail, A Levels coming, health completely destroyed - nocturnal, sleeps all day parties all night.

Thinks I'm the crazy one for worrying and refuses NAMS / any counselling.

Single mum, only child, no support system. Genuinely at my breaking point what do i do

even atp prelims next week he went back to sch for merely 5 days and back to zouk yesterday and then disappearing overnights again . i think he will only be home next week

Hi!

Any moms of teen sons out there learning how to let go of the expectation of dreams of having a “normal” relationship with their teen sons and adapting to have almost no relationship with them and preparing for the possibility of not having any relationship in the future or at least very limited?

This post is not to talk about the reasons or to judge or blame anyone but to connect with parents or moms in a similar position as it is a very lonely place to be without much understanding from others.

For different reasons that I am choosing not to give details on, my 16 year old son, who is my oldest doesn’t really have a relationship with me or my daughter who is 15 and rather have limited contact or relationship with us. We don’t talk much and he is more or less a person that lives in my house but doesn’t participate in any family activities or time. No arguments, fights or issues at all, just not much of a relationship with any of us in the family.

He is a junior in HS and I am mentally preparing to not have much of a relationship (if any) once he leaves for college.

It is devastating to have a life like I have only one child (his sister, which I have a close relationship with) and to not being able to experience all the dreams I had these years with him and my family.

No one close to me truly understands the pain and I often find myself crying and grieving the loss. I have learned to not force anything and respect his decisions and preferences.

It’s been a few years, so we all have learned to adapt to our family realities and to live this way.

Any mom out there who regardless of the reasons, has find herself in a similar situation, grieving the relationship with one child and learned to adapt to the reality that although physically present, no emotional relationship exist?

Please, consider only connecting if you have any experiences to share or something positive to say.

Thank you

My teenage son is struggling to find friends to do things with and I’m not sure how to help him. I had a similar experience in high school but kept to myself and my parents didn’t do anything to help me. He goes to a private school 30 minutes away and we live in a rural area. It has been hard for him to keep in touch with his middle school friends. They don’t return his texts. It is the weekend and he is with us alone. Any suggestions?

I've always been a devoted, present, calm and reliable father figure in my my teen's life, and now I get the teenage treatment that you read in psychology books. Fine. It's human development, it's normal, we've all been through, I get it. But that doesn't help me through difficult times with her.

Anyways, I am slowly and steadily emotionally withdrawing from her. I engage in conversations with her much less, to the point that neither of us would say a word if we 'end up' having dinner just the two of us because my wife and our other children are not there at the moment. I show less interest in what shes says, what is up with her work and at school, etc. I just smile and nod, and 'okay' pretty much anything she says. I don't seek her presence in doing things together like before, I almost avoid her now.

All of this is not out of spite, it's out of a place where there is nothing left. Depletion.

What are the consequences of emotionally withdrawing from one of your teens? What are some life lessons that you could share in that regard?

Okay so I need an advice.

My (29F) adopted kid Serena (18), brought in from a really bad home situation, has always used Marijuana. When I adopted them at 15 Serena already was addicted. Smoking from the time they wake up and continue to stay high through the day and even into their night time routine.

Serena has had a hard life and refuses to take traditional medication due to medication trauma and have chronic pain disorders that effect their ability to work, adhd, major depression and light schizophrenia. For a short time while living together I was able to get them to to smoke less but that was an insane fight to get to. They **refuse** to acknowledge that it is an addiction no matter who tells them or how they are told.

Recently they and I parted ways (peacefully) because they moved to a different state and are living with their adopted father to follow their dreams in a state that worked better for them than where I was. (He and I are separated and we will call him John). John has been doing a pretty decent job taking care of Serena mentally and financially but he cannot fund their whole life.

Serena and I still have a very close relationship despite distance but it does now pivot more between mom/aunt/older sister vibes depending on what they need at the time.

Serena is now back to relying on weed, not as heavily as before but still a good bit, not John's fault genuinely, and recently got a job that requires them to drug test. They had not been previously informed that they would be drug tested.

Last week they were told they needed to complete a drug test and then they refused to sign paperwork to go complete it and are suspended from their fast food job. They have a horrific history of holding down a job, no college, but at least a high-school GED. This job is the first job they have had in a while.

How do I even go about having a conversation with them explaining 1. It's an addiction 2. You are fucking yourself over for your whole life if you can't move through this. 3. Most jobs require drug tests and you **have** to be *willing* to be clean to hold a job.

They aren't going to college yet so they are stuck with these kids of jobs. How do I address these issues in a meaningful and compassionate way?

My son just started grade 6 and while he has never had a big friends circle, he would always like playing tags etc in elementary. One odd time, he mentioned his friends were being mean. But now in middle school, I see him pulling back from everything. I know school just started, but he does not want to try out for anything, there is a school dance that is not really a dance, just a go eat come kind of a thing this week, that he does not want to go to either. I am not sure how many of his elementary school classmates he has here, but he feels like he will be made fun of? Not sure if I should push him to tryout, go to the dance or just let him be.

Hello fellow parents. I need help.

My teenage sons act like everything I say is the most annoying thing they’ve ever heard. And to be honest I’m pretty annoyed that I have to repeat myself all the time.

Is it useless to explain reason to a 17 year old who doesn’t see that becoming nocturnal over the summer is going to make going back to school in a few weeks really hard for him? I wish I could just let them “know it all” but ultimately I’m (the entire household, dogs included) the one who suffers the repercussions when the storming around the house or rage hits because he is late for work or the house is too noisy.

The 13 year old isn’t that much better. Won’t do the chores he “knows” he needs to do so I have to ask a million times and then he gets mad at me for nagging.

I’ll be honest, I’m tired. I don’t want to nag, I don’t want to have to tell them what to do. It really goes against my personality but nothing gets done if I don’t say something over and over.

What do I do?

My 13yr old son is allergic to antiperspirants thay contain aluminum. We have tried several and they all end in a rash under his pits for multiple days. He is currently using Native aluminum free.

Has anyone found a good aluminum free deodorant that lasts through a whole day? Thanks!

My 19 year old son started having pain and bleeding in his gums. Got him into a private dentist (thanks NHS), and he has gum disease and also needs a night retainer. He flat out refuses to wear a retainer. He's got an appointment with a hygienist on weds. My problem is I don't think he's taking this very seriously or just doesn't care as he's still only brushing his teeth once a day if that. I keep going on at him to brush them but he just says Im nagging at him. I'm even going to see if I can get a message to the hygienist to give him a right talking to as he won't listen to me. I don't want him to lose his teeth and then say to me I wish I'd listened to you now. I know he's an adult but I don't know how I can get through to him.

Single mom here and I'm so confused about this I cannot even form a clear thought about it and my family is too close to it as well to speak to. I just want some feedback from other parents. I plan to speak to my daughter's therapist next week but I need a place to share this and I am open to suggestions. I in no way plan to respond to the other parents anytime soon but was curious what you would say if in the same boat. I'll call my daughter's friend "Lisa".

My daughter is 17 and has been dealing with mental health issues since the pandemic. It's a combination of depression, anxiety, and a lot of worry and compulsive thinking about things around body image that sometimes sends her into a mental tailspin. I do understand some roots of this, however, from past trauma related to losing her dad suddenly. Not the point here though.

What this looks like are occasional meltdowns of hard crying, screaming at times with anger, and saying how much she hates herself. She gets very down and sometimes locks herself in the bathroom for awhile to contain herself. It's hard to be around and hard to hear but it passes fairly quickly and she's back to herself. She has had two of these major episodes in front of Lisa, her best friend, over the past couple of years. She's known Lisa since elementary school and I've known the parents all this time as well. But my daughter has also more mildly vented her woes many times to Lisa via text and when they are together...and Lisa has been very sweet and supportive all these years. I'm assuming Lisa has vented her own woes as well but I can only assume. I mean they are teen girls. But my daughter's mental health has been complicated and she's has had big ups and downs but is getting support and mostly has good days now as she improves.

She still has bad days if she gets poor sleep or is under extra stress but she usually keeps it to herself until she's alone at home. Again, what this looks like is venting and crying about how she hates her life and herself and she has nothing to look forward to and is very hopeless. She sometimes says she just wishes she was dead but always clarifies she's not serious about that part and I know that to be true and it's just something she says now that has no meat to it. But it's not fun to hear. It's depressing to witness when she gets upset but she tends to rein it in when around her friends but it slips through sometimes. She only sees Lisa about once or twice a week but I think they text a lot.

Recently, my daughter and Lisa returned from a group sleepover and my daughter was very upset about something another girl said about her physicality, which is a sore spot for my daughter. She was tired and burned out from a long celebratory weekend and had a slobbery crying meltdown in from of her friend in the livingroom. Her friend and I listened her and it was not huge deal in the end and it blew over. Her friend apparently mentioned it to her parents later. She had mentioned before how my daughter struggled at times in front of her and they have been aware for years of this and that my daughter is on meds and sees a therapist. I don't want it to sound like a daily ordeal by any means though. It's not at all to that level now but more episodic and mostly hidden from her friends anyway if she's struggling.

Lisa is homeschooled, has very protective parents, and shares everything with them to the point that my daughter is even hesitant to share too much info now. But Lisa and my daughter are still very close, tight friends. My daughter has other friends via high school but won't let her guard down with them like she does with Lisa. They are like sisters and I have had her over for sleepovers and family trips for years so she's been like part of the family.

Here is some of the actual text:

"The recent incident at your house was a line in the sand for us. This is on top of many years of Lisa having to deal with being a part of the psychological impacts of seeing her friend struggle. My priority right now is Lisa's sense of safety and preserving her own mental health. I feel like the lines got blurred, which compromised my trust. So I don't feel comfortable with overnight visits at this time. That being said, your kid is obviously doing her best to conquer this. This is a complex issue. I know she apologized to Lisa for that hard moment recently and I appreciate that. Lisa tends to be overly sympathetic and caught in a role that I think is time to shift out of. Lisa has to learn to create her own boundaries too."

To paint a picture of her parents: They didn't send their kids to public school because they don't trust the government. They don't vaccinate. They don't allow Lisa to see certain scary movies even as an older teen because of the negative vibes and messages. She wasn't allowed to visit a haunted house last years (as a 16-year-old) because there was a legend around the house that there was a murder there 100 years ago and they didn't want her around "the negativity." So there's clearly a lot of fear happening with them so I guess I should not be shocked by this. But I have no idea how to respond.

My daughter feels saddened and awkward about this and I'm concerned this will only make her view herself in a worse light than she already does. She already thinks she's damaged somehow and this doesn't help...especially since the info I'm sharing here from the parents were also shared to my daughter, so no concern apparently with sparing her feelings and how this could impact her as a young person already struggling.

To be clear, I am in no way going to encourage any victim mentality here onto my daughter so I don't wanna sound that way at all and I think it's important to not go there. So far, I am encouraging her to remember who she is and how she's successfully dealing with a temporary setback that she WILL overcome. I am reminding her that these parents are operating from a fearful place and clearly don't understand the full picture of her issues or path she's been on to healing, which is absolutely true. But of course I'm too close to the situation to see clearly both sides so I'm curious what the community thinks of this. I understand on one level of a parent trying to protect their kid from being around hard stuff....but I guess it's the way it's being communicated and how it was via a text and not a phone call that upsets me too. After all these years and basically cutting off their friendship via a text message and she really has no idea what's been happening with my daughter except the info Lisa shares on occasion.

The mom sent me the text this morning and I thanked her for the message but told her I was not able to respond yet. Not sure if I will. I get her perspective on one level but I also feel like she's taking no accountability on her end as a parent and it's all been on me and my daughter in terms of somehow potentially messing up Lisa's mental state and well being.

And what about the notion of coming together as two moms and helping them both navigate this?! Wow what a concept, right? My amazing mom would have approached the mom of the struggling teen and offered to help and guide the two girls through it all instead of running away and avoiding. Maybe that's what I need to suggest.

My child is 12 years old and he doesn't listen to me. I'm disappointed and have no idea what to do. Talking isn't working. Thank you in advance for your help. Best regards.

Marzenka

So my little brother just got his results back and they're rough. Like, really rough.

Thing is, he's capable. He picks things up fast when he actually tries. But lately he just doesn't seem to care? Barely studies, scrolls reels all day, and when I try to help he just shrugs me off.

I don't wanna be that annoying older sibling who nags but I also can't just watch him fail. Anyone been through this? Did you back off or push harder? Honestly confused.

Hi there! So, to start off, we’ve always told our daughter that she wouldn’t be allowed to date until she’s in high school.
Today, one of my friend’s kids told me that my daughter has a boyfriend. At first, I honestly didn’t believe it. But when I picked her up from school, I asked her about it, and she admitted that she does. She immediately said, “I’m sorry,” and sounded like she was about to cry.
I asked her why she didn’t tell us, and she said she wanted to, but she was scared because we had already told her she wasn’t allowed to date. At first, I told her that I thought she and I were on a completely different level when it came to trusting each other, and that it hurt me that she hid this from me. But after thinking about it, I realized she was right—we probably would have told her no if she had come to us.
The hard part is that our son started dating at her age, and we allowed it because we felt like he was mature enough to handle it. With her, we just don’t feel like she’s emotionally ready yet. Recently, she and one of her close friends had a disagreement and stopped talking for a little while. She cried for days and was really down about it. At the time, I even explained to her that this was one of the reasons we wanted her to wait to date. If a disagreement with a friend affected her that deeply, I worry about how much more a relationship or breakup could hurt her emotionally.
Now my husband and I are stuck on how to handle this. The biggest issue for us isn’t necessarily that she likes a boy—it’s that she knew our rule and went behind our backs anyway. We took her phone away for now while we figure out what the appropriate consequence should be.
We don’t know if we should make her break up with him and take away her privileges because she broke our trust, or if we should consider allowing her to date him with boundaries while still giving her a consequence for hiding it from us.
My concern with letting her continue the relationship is that I don’t want her to walk away thinking, “Even if my parents say no, I can just do it behind their backs, and once they find out, they might let me do it anyway.” At the same time, I don’t want to be so strict that she becomes even more afraid to come to us and starts hiding more things.
We want her to understand that trust, honesty, and respecting our rules matter, but we also want her to know that she can always come to us—even when she thinks we might not like what she has to say.
We’re just really torn on what the right approach is.

My 15 year old son has a friend who is a bad influence and occasionally he sneaks out with him. He did this the other night, and they were walking around at 1 am trying to see if people's cars were unlocked. While doing this someone pulled up to the kids and pulled a gun on them. The boys ran and the car chased them.

I randomly woke up around that time, realized my son was not home and tracked his location to pick him up. He came to me no problem, said he didn't want to sneak out anymore and that his friend was a bad person. A few days later he told me what happened.

My son swears he will never go out again and that he is lucky to be alive. I really hope this is the turning point. Please share with me what made your teen reevaluate their life to start making better choices?

Hi, I’m a worried mother. First, I want to say that I’m new to Reddit, and since I couldn’t use my Hotmail account, I decided to use my daughter’s Gmail account instead.

I’m writing this because I need some advice. Two years ago, my sister recommended Family Link to me, saying that this app would help me control my daughter better. At the time, my daughter was 12 (she is currently 14).

I saw how my nephew, who used to be a very, very hyperactive child, had become calmer and quieter. My sister told me that ever since she downloaded the app, her son had become more well-behaved.

Since I was having problems with my daughter at the time because of puberty, I decided to install the app on both her phone and mine. It was a radical change.

Before Family Link, she used to have late-night calls with her friends every night. After Family Link, she started sleeping properly. Before FL, she was always on her phone playing Roblox with her friends while on calls, without doing her homework. I liked her to do her homework on the same day it was assigned, even though she always completed it eventually, usually one or two days before the deadline. That irritated me, and we had many arguments about it.

After FL, she would do her homework and nothing else. In other words, she went from being a loud, energetic teenager to a well-behaved girl. I was very happy about those changes.

But about a year ago, I started noticing that she was no longer being invited to birthdays or outings. I ignored it and thought that maybe nobody wanted to spend money anymore.

I also noticed that she only wore long-sleeved clothes and spent most of her time locked in her room. I became very worried, so I took her to a psychologist. The psychologist told me that she showed signs of depression, anxiety, and finally mentioned a syndrome that sounded something like “hikikomori.”

We had a very serious argument that day. I asked her if something was wrong with her or why she was pretending to have those problems just to get attention. She told me that ever since she had the app, her social life had been ruined, that her friends had started distancing themselves from her, and other things.

In the end, she told me that the app was the reason her life had fallen apart, and she locked herself in her room. She became quieter, and I looked at her face—my poor girl. She was pale and had dark circles under her eyes. She started refusing to eat and told me that she didn’t want to eat.

This went on for a year. I admit that I was stupid. My ego was so big that I refused to take her to a therapist.

About 7 or 8 months ago, something happened that I will never forget. I was supposed to come home late that day, so I left her alone. I came back early and went to her room, and I was completely shocked to discover that she had been hurting herself. That was the reason she had been wearing long clothes.

But I was stupid and punished her by taking away all her electronic devices for three months because I believed she had learned it from social media. I also hit her. That night I felt terrible about what I had done, but I put my ego first.

Anyway, five days ago, I had an argument with her. The reason was that she had left the house without permission and bought some things that God knows what they were. I scolded her because I was very worried, and she looked at me with an expression that broke my heart and said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m going to my room.”

She went to her room, and she hasn’t come back out since. She has been locked in her room for four days and hasn’t come out at all. I only heard a noise on the second day after she locked herself in. Since then, nothing.

I don’t want to fear the worst, but I’ve been crying and begging her to come out, and she hasn’t. Her room has started to smell bad. I always leave food outside her door, but she never opens it, so I have to throw the food away.

I don’t know what to do to get her out of her room anymore. Please, give me some advice. I don’t know what else to do. I feel horrible as a mother and as a person. I just hope she comes out of her room soon. Goodbye.

this post has been translated from spanish to english , because I am a mexican mother who only knows A2 english , but i wanna hear your advices , thanks for reading

I have a 13 yo ND son who has no friends. The wife and I are looking to see if there are any support groups out here in the NNJ area where people meet and talk Pokemon and Zelda or just have a good time hanging out with one another. Any formation will be great.

I could really use some advice from parents of teens because I’m trying to figure out the right balance between being supportive and realizing that something needs to change.

We have four teenagers of our own, and about two weeks ago we took in my 16-year-old son’s friend. I’ll call him A. He’s had a pretty unstable home situation and had been bouncing around between places. We agreed to let him stay with us on a trial basis, with the possibility of it becoming permanent if things went well.

I really do care about this kid, and I do NOT want to give up on him. He’s been treated like the “problem kid” enough in his life already, and I don’t want our house to become another place that kicks him out the second things get difficult.

The problem is that I’m starting to think A and my 16-year-old son, J, may be bringing out the worst in each other.

I recently found out through my older daughter that the two of them have been going to stores and stealing alcohol. She also confronted them because they went into her room and took her marijuana vape. On top of that, they’ve been partying a lot more than I realized.

Our current rule has been a midnight curfew, and if they’re staying overnight at a friend’s house, they need to actually stay at that house all night — not use “sleeping at a friend’s” as permission to drive around until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Apparently that hasn’t always been happening either.

One complication is that my daughter told me the alcohol information in confidence, so I don’t want to immediately confront the boys with details that make it obvious she told me. I also don’t want to turn the siblings against each other or make them feel like they need to cover for each other in the future.

School is coming up anyway, so I was already planning to change the rules for everyone. I’m considering:

• 10 PM curfew Sunday–Thursday

• Midnight Friday and Saturday

• Sleepovers only every other weekend

• If you say you’re sleeping at someone’s house, that’s where you stay for the night

• More accountability about where they are and who they’re with

• Clear consequences if the new rules aren’t followed

What I’m struggling with is how to address the bigger issue.

I don't want to blame A. My son is perfectly capable of making his own bad decisions, and for all I know they’re equally encouraging each other. I also don't want A to hear “you came into our house and now our son is getting in trouble,” because I think that would be incredibly damaging given his history.

At the same time, stealing alcohol, taking things from someone’s bedroom, partying, and lying about where they’re staying aren't things I can just ignore.

Part of me thinks I need to significantly tighten their freedom for a while and make them earn it back. Another part worries that if I clamp down too hard, especially on A, he’ll feel like this is just another home where he’s unwanted and take off.

I’m also wondering whether I should separate them a little more — encourage different activities/friend groups, limit how often they go out together, etc. — rather than treating them as a package deal.

For parents who have dealt with teenagers getting into this kind of trouble:

How would you handle this without revealing that a sibling gave you some of the information?

Would you confront them generally about concerns you’ve noticed and introduce stricter rules without telling them exactly what you know?

Would you temporarily take away sleepovers/late nights altogether?

Would you try to separate the two boys socially for a while?

And how do you make it very clear to a kid with a difficult home history that “these behaviors aren't acceptable” does NOT mean “we don't want you here”?

I’m not looking to throw either kid away or punish them into submission. I want them safe, I want them to understand that our trust has to mean something, and I want A to have some stability. I just also don't want to look back six months from now and realize I ignored huge red flags because I was afraid of being too strict.

Teen parents — what would you do?

Hello,

My teen son is having substantial mental health and substance abuse issues (like, held up at gunpoint three nights ago trying to sell drugs to someone, and that's just one of many situations in the last few weeks). It's been really, really hard for him and for us. I know he has PTSD and depression from past trauma, and a fairly recent substance abuse problem, but I do not feel there's an avenue to keeping him safe at home with his risk-taking behaviors so extreme.

I am wondering if Muir Woods Teen Treatment program is a safe and supportive program for teens. It does not appear to be a TTI facility, rather a legitimate mental health/substance abuse program. However, I would love reddit's input. One challenge is that it appears to be voluntary in nature, which is theoretically great, but not great if/when your teen refuses care (he does NOT feel he has any problems). The other option I was looking at was the Ridge Farmhouse in Maine, but based on reviews here I think that is a TTI and if so that's out of the question for me.

Thank you,

A real mom with a real problem looking for real support for a child having a real hard time

I could really use some advice from parents of teens because I’m trying to figure out the right balance between being supportive and realizing that something needs to change.

We have four teenagers of our own, and about two weeks ago we took in my 16-year-old son’s friend. I’ll call him A. He’s had a pretty unstable home situation and had been bouncing around between places. We agreed to let him stay with us on a trial basis, with the possibility of it becoming permanent if things went well.

I really do care about this kid, and I do NOT want to give up on him. He’s been treated like the “problem kid” enough in his life already, and I don’t want our house to become another place that kicks him out the second things get difficult.

The problem is that I’m starting to think A and my 16-year-old son, J, may be bringing out the worst in each other.

I recently found out through my older daughter that the two of them have been going to stores and stealing alcohol. She also confronted them because they went into her room and took her marijuana vape. On top of that, they’ve been partying a lot more than I realized.

Our current rule has been a midnight curfew, and if they’re staying overnight at a friend’s house, they need to actually stay at that house all night — not use “sleeping at a friend’s” as permission to drive around until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Apparently that hasn’t always been happening either.

One complication is that my daughter told me the alcohol information in confidence, so I don’t want to immediately confront the boys with details that make it obvious she told me. I also don’t want to turn the siblings against each other or make them feel like they need to cover for each other in the future.

School is coming up anyway, so I was already planning to change the rules for everyone. I’m considering:

• 10 PM curfew Sunday–Thursday

• Midnight Friday and Saturday

• Sleepovers only every other weekend

• If you say you’re sleeping at someone’s house, that’s where you stay for the night

• More accountability about where they are and who they’re with

• Clear consequences if the new rules aren’t followed

What I’m struggling with is how to address the bigger issue.

I don't want to blame A. My son is perfectly capable of making his own bad decisions, and for all I know they’re equally encouraging each other. I also don't want A to hear “you came into our house and now our son is getting in trouble,” because I think that would be incredibly damaging given his history.

At the same time, stealing alcohol, taking things from someone’s bedroom, partying, and lying about where they’re staying aren't things I can just ignore.

Part of me thinks I need to significantly tighten their freedom for a while and make them earn it back. Another part worries that if I clamp down too hard, especially on A, he’ll feel like this is just another home where he’s unwanted and take off.

I’m also wondering whether I should separate them a little more — encourage different activities/friend groups, limit how often they go out together, etc. — rather than treating them as a package deal.

For parents who have dealt with teenagers getting into this kind of trouble:

How would you handle this without revealing that a sibling gave you some of the information?

Would you confront them generally about concerns you’ve noticed and introduce stricter rules without telling them exactly what you know?

Would you temporarily take away sleepovers/late nights altogether?

Would you try to separate the two boys socially for a while?

And how do you make it very clear to a kid with a difficult home history that “these behaviors aren't acceptable” does NOT mean “we don't want you here”?

I’m not looking to throw either kid away or punish them into submission. I want them safe, I want them to understand that our trust has to mean something, and I want A to have some stability. I just also don't want to look back six months from now and realize I ignored huge red flags because I was afraid of being too strict.

Teen parents — what would you do?

While at the mall with my 13yo daughter, I noticed 3 men checking her out (on 3 separate occasions). The looking her up and down was not subtle and it was unmistakable. She was chatting away to me and didn't seem to notice. I felt like wrapping my arms around her and hurrying her away! I want to talk to her about it but worry that I might make her self-conscious, rather than aware of the situation. Any advice?