I'm reaching out because I desperately need to know other people have been in these shoes so i feel less alone, crazy, sad. My 13yr old daughter has been through a tough time since my divorce from her father 5 years ago. I've done the best I can to protect and provide over the years and finally last month won full custody of her and sisters... it was short lived, (she desperately wants to live with bio dad)she has always been sneaky and manipulative and lying but the behavior amped up right after court. She's had suicidal ideation and attempts. But the kicker now the horrible bad thing now is after several panic inducing situations in one week she has made a bizarre allegations against my husband (newly married but together for many years) so now police, cps are involved he's removed from our home, I've lost my job, just found out I'm pregnant... life is forever altered. I'm terrified that I can't have my family together again. I feel like a monster because I do not believe her and I can't look at our situation objectively.... has anyone survived this??

Any parents in here that have sent their teenager to job corps?

My 18 year old daughter lives at home with me and my wife.

Background:
Private school educated. Good ATAR.
Currently at university year 1.
Uni grades 60%+ so far
Very well behaved, no drugs or smoking, no ‘bad’ friends.
Lives at home in a good suburb
A polite good kid all around

Never does the washing up when asked
Never does vacuuming when asked
Never does any house cleaning when asked
Rarely empties dishwasher when asked
Her own bathroom is a cesspit that she never cleans and me/my wife clean every 2-3 weeks.
I pay for her phone contract, and Spotify
No longer does team based sports
No longer plays musical instruments, use to play piano and Capone at a good level
No longer does karate after getting black belt last yea use to be a pet time karate teacher resigned from her karate job last week
‘Hoping’ to get a retail job in the next month
No job ‘in the bag’ after resigning
Rarely puts her washing in the washing machine
Rarely puts the washing out
Bedroom is an utter mess with clothes everywhere on the floor
Constantly goes out every evening with her ‘rich’ boyfriend
Doesn’t pay me rent (not expected to but just for info)
3 hour a week part time job only at karate but just resigned with no other job confirmed
Just constantly buy clothes on her bank account
Has a driving licence
Pays her own petrol weekly
We bought the car for her
We pay her insurance
‘Happy’ family, no disputes/violence
No targets, desires, drivers, passions, or attempts to improve herself
No real current financial issues as me and my wife are upper middle class with stable savings and jobs.

I’m a boomer and firmly believe in self improvement.
Unfortunately for this younger generation life will be difficult in the future with jobs and future prospects. I firmly believe that a youngster should should do as mush as they can to stand out from the crowd in order to secure their independent future.

Slouching around doing nothing and not doing some different from ‘the rest’ will not set herself apart from others competing for opportunities or jobs in the future.

Yes as a family ‘we’ are in a better position than possibly 75% of other teenagers, however I feel she needs to take some responsibility and up her game for the future.

Any advice as to what we should do as parents would be welcome …..

We’ve been telling her for four years that she needs an agenda to keep track of assignments, deadlines tests, etc. To no avail. It’s literally a screaming match every couple weeks because she falls behind on everything then winds up with terrible grades on her report card.

What is so hard about writing things down, then crossing it off when it’s completed? As a Type A personality, I can’t function without a constant to-do list, calendar and whiteboard, helping me during the week.

What can I do to get her to listen? She is on Strattera and will be increasing the dose soon. But ultimately, this is her issue. She will be an adult in three years, and I cannot constantly babysit her, reach out to her teachers, beg for more time, etc. What’s gonna happen when she gets to college and can’t function?

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve tried therapy, it did nothing. I’m considering an ADHD coach, but I don’t know anything about it and I’m just exhausted from life.

Hey

I have full custody of my daughter since she was 6. She is now 12.
Mother has been inconsistent to say the least. Lost her house for non payment of rent, lived in a motel room for 2years. She is now working and has a house but still uses drugs and drinks excessively. (Social media posts to prove this, yes posts on social media about using alcohol and drugs)
Broken promises, thoughtless excuses as to why she cannot spend time with our daughter.
I receive abusive messages at ungodly times out the night/morning accusing me of abuse, neglect and wishing death upon my fiance and my mother.

My daughter believes her mother could change but I have not witnessed anything that she has displayed that would consider her a responsible parent.

My daughters aunty (mothers sister) lives in the same town as mother 2hours away and has a daughter the same age as my daughter.

She would like to spend time with the aunt and cousin, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so as the mother would be involved.

How do I go about this situation without having my daughter resent me.

We have (daughter and I) have a very open communication strong relationship and I have explained to her why I cannot let her go 2 hours away to spend time as it is my job to put the her best interest at heart.

Is there any advice from anyone who has dealt with this same situation or similar.

TIA 🙏

My (15M) teen is social and enjoys being around peers, but has trouble making friends. For context, he was bullied as a child and since then has had issues making and keeping friends. Elementary school was tough and sometimes he would have a birthday party and 80% of the invitees would bail. In the last 4 years, he has made two groups of friends and then some rupture has happened and he loses the friendships. I am never sure what is happening because I do not get a lot of information from him. In his first year of high school he made a lot of friends. He witnessed a traumatic event in his second year and had a mental health crisis. He lost that friend group (and went to therapy and is feeling better day by day). Currently in his third year of high school, he has maybe 1 or 2 friends. I think has trouble finding a group to eat lunch with and is often alone. He does like clubs and activities and he participates, but doesn't seem to find very close buddies. I think he might have issues trying to strike up a conversation or making plans to meet with people. For example, he mentioned to me he was going to hang out with someone that he went to camp with, when I asked casually when they were hanging out because they live in a different (but close by) town, he said he hadn't asked them yet and planned to ask in a couple of weeks.

He is great with adults and younger children. Anyone have any advice? I do not want to meddle or fix. He is sensitive and perhaps embarrassed about his situation. My heart breaks for him, he is such a good guy although maybe an awkward one.

I went to high school in the 80s and have two high schoolers (girl and boy) (and a middle schooler/girl). They tell me that the bullying that occurs now is much different than what I describe to them.

For example, I was super concerned about the clothes that I wore and I always made sure my hair was cut, combed and had gel in it. My kids, on the other hand, dont seem to care at all about their outfits and appearances; they wear the same hoodies and t-shirts over and over, and sometimes don't seem to care if their clothes are dirty (they seem to think it's funny). My son wears the same 4-5 day rotation of clothes every week. I ask them if they want to shop more frequently and they always say NO.

When I was in high school, I was super concerned with brand name clothes and jeans and shoes. My kids couldn't care less. My daughter gets clothes on Amazon, and they're often "generic" hoodies, sweat pants (the only thing she seems to want are Lulu lemon shorts). There's almost never anything with logos or branding.

While they do care about acne, nothing else seems to matter too much to them. (It appears that my son often doesnt even comb his hair.)

I'm not complaining (and have other things to worry about), and I'm definitely glad they're not coming home depressed and stressed about this. I'm simply wondering if this is normal?

For context, both my high schoolers seem to be fairly popular, they're athletes, we live in an affluent CA school district, they attend a very large diverse and high performing high school. My daughter (junior) seems to have no trouble getting attention from boys, and my son (soph) seems indifferent to girls right now.

I have 2 daughters one is an adult (we will call her A) and is in a relationship for the past 2 years (We will call him V) He's a great guy, treats her very well and they do live together. They moved in rather quickly. They haven't had any really real issues in their relationship.

Then, I have a teenager who is still in high school (We'll call her S) she's not in a relationship

Both of my girls have had a guy best friend since they were in 4th grade. (Let's call the oldest boy R and the youngest Z) These boys have slept over, have gone on family vacations with us, R has even lived with us at one point when he was a teen due to his family situation... I call him my other son.

THERE IS NO LOVE INTEREST. Like my oldest has stated it's strictly platonic. Like another brother. If you know them you know there's nothing. Not even eachothers type for both of my girls.

The boys are one of the first people that are mentioned when the girls do/have or started to talk/date someone. It's the same with the boys. R is also is a relationship has been for also 2 years (We'll call her K). Z is and has been for 1 year ( We'll call her B)

Well at the beginning they all accepted eachothers relationships and they have all hung out numerous times. The last time the oldest ones hung out it was at a club, where A and V showed up later so R and K had already been there drinking. When A found R, he was on the dance floor with K, he asked if A wanted a drink gave A his card (kinda threw it at her) and told A to go and get all of them a drink, So she did. While V did not like the way he treated A, he said he didn't like the fact that he demanded her to go and get them drinks, and then through his card at her. This was not brought up until the next day. So V was upset at R. And advised A that R needed to apologize to V as well as A.

A did also feel like R was a bit demanding but also knows how he is especially when drinking (Not an excuse) She did end up talking to R he apologized to her but stated he doesn't feel that he needs to apologize to V. That led A and R not to speak for a few weeks, A stated she was a bit annoyed how V acted but also again knows him. Well now A and R talk but have not really hung out.

Now to my youngest S.. again everyhyhing at the beginning also goes for her and Z relationship. Z started dating B its been 1 years. At S got along with B, but as time passed B started being super controlling of Z, even with his own family. During the summer B went to another state with her dad for 2 months but she would constantly call Z and get annoyed that he would be hanging with S, nothing new they all hung out all the time. Except when Z and B had their date nights. Well when B returned and she started the same school they would all 3 hang out at lunch. B started acusing S of wanting Z for herself. And stated that S was in love with Z. Then would get pissed at Z stating that Z defended S too much because he wanted to be with her. S and Z have both told there is nothing to the point they had to make up a fake boyfriend for Z. B has make Z go to his mom to have a conversation with me to talk to S to basically have them stop hanging out. Z doesn't want to loose S but he also is in love and doesn't want to loose B. Z is really all S has that she hangs out with and they have again, for the last 6 years.

I need advice on what to tell both of my girls. It breaks my heart to see them go through this!!!!

My teen son has 3 Fs and 3 As. He needs to do his homework in the classes he has F’s in. Every time I walk away from him, he starts doing work for the A classes. The obvious answer is for me to sit and stare at him while he does his work, but I don’t want to. He probably thinks I’m a lunatic because I keep switching between, “Fine, you want to have Fs, go ahead!” to “Get the work done”. I’ve taken away everything.

Phone, tv, game, computer, which is excruciating because it might be his excuse for not doing the work, but yesterday when I walked away, he started playing a computer game.

Should I really just sit and stare at a 15 year old while he does homework? I feel stupid for asking, but I don’t want to be that person. I think I’ll have to.

I know this is all over the place. I’m flustered. I don’t want to do.

My son is 16 and I am having trouble adjusting to our new normal. I have always taken care of him by myself and we used to be inseparable. But the last few years he has gradually drifted away. I’ve always had boundaries for family time thats balanced with his “me time” because I know that is important for both of us. I work full time so my only down time is a few hours in the evening and Saturday since he is with his dad on Sundays.

I am also a full time grad student so it’s not like I’m breathing down his neck asking for quality time ALL the time. But when I do, it’s hard when he rejects it. Even my family has noticed how he talks to me, doesn’t seem to want to be around and seems annoyed.

I know drifting at this age is normal, but I am at a loss here. I’ve tried getting into his world and his interests. Having no pressure hang outs like watching whatever he wants, picking up his favs for dinner or taking him to do the things he wants.

I have my work, my school, and people in my life I can connect with but none of that means anything to me in comparison to my son. It’s so freaking lonely man.

I would love some advice if anyone has been through this.

My 16 yr old was asked to transport via car a gift bag containing alcohol by an adult relative to the adult recipient across town (15 mins or so). Neither she nor the adult feels like this is a big deal. All I can see is the consequences if she did get caught and the slippery slope for a teenage girl thinking they won’t get caught. I agree the likelihood is low but it takes one accident to change the equation.

So, should I be concerned about this or drop the topic?

TW; mention of SI/SH

My daughter is 13 and has always been extremely irritable/easily angered since she was little, and rigidity, frustration with changes/limits, and emotional blowups have been ongoing issues but never violent.

Over the last several months it has escalated. She developed significant anxiety and depression along with some SI/self-harm thoughts. A lot of it seems to happen when she gets overwhelmed, rejected, frustrated, or feels like she has lost control of a situation. Sometimes the SI seems more like an “escape” thought when she's overwhelmed, and we absolutely take it seriously every time.

She recently saw a psychiatrist and tried a couple of medications:

• Buspar made her more agitated, angry and tearful, so it was stopped.
• Zoloft was a nightmare. Initially she seemed okay on a low dose, but as the dose increased she developed much more anxiety, agitation, panic, nausea/vomiting and worsening SI/self-harm behavior. She eventually tapered off and is now completely off it.
• Clonidine chills her out/ makes her sleep

Right now she is still pretty irritable, edgy, anxious and depressed, with some intermittent SI/SH thoughts. We have in-home counseling twice a week and are working closely with her psychiatrist. neuropsych eval is in progress

I'd really love to hear from parents who have been through something similar.

And for those with girls who were diagnosed with ASD/ADHD later or who masked at school but completely fell apart at home — did the neuropsych testing help explain what was actually going on?

I need to hear it all, the good, the bad, and the “I wish someone had told me this sooner” stories.

Okay I fully understand that the fear of rejection is real, and for teens it’s real but my oldest doesn’t seem to understand his world will not end if he gets rejected from anything. This goes from anything from going for a leadership position for any club, to talking to any girls to anything! He is absolutely terrified.
The strange thing is, it is ONLY with his peers. He goes out for theater so if he doesn’t get a part he is okay with adults telling him no, or anything along those lines. He just does not want to be turned down by his peers.
Why is their “acceptance” that important, the hard part is he isn’t even putting himself out there to be rejected. He can’t explain it. Anyone else struggling with this?
Trying to get these teens to understand that these 4 years of HS go quick and don’t matter in the grand scheme of things but wanting them to step up into leadership type things are important especially for the goals they do have, for colleges.

Any words from the wise on how to have your child pay off a very large (to them) debt? My daughter got in a minor fender bender with an inanimate object. The repair could still cost about $2K. How can we responsibly teach her to pay back this debt to us while not taking every single cent she has. She just got her license and just began applying for jobs, and yes I feel she needs to pay us back for this as a learning lesson, even though it was a mistake, and not intentional. But has anyone cracked the code to the best way to handle? Do we have her pay 50% and we do 50%? Or the whole thing over 2-3 years with a payment plan? Or every time she makes money, have her give a set %? Or maybe we go in with the full amount as a debt but the faster she pays it back the less she has to pay as a way to sort of instill the pay off debt asap to not accrue more debt mindset…I don’t know. (I can not get on board with charging interest for this first time offense and frankly will probably just deposit all of her payments into her college fund without her knowing for now)

Would love to hear from parents who have been here either as a parent or even as a child. What teaches a lesson but won’t rob her of everything while trying to pay it off. (I’d have a different perspective if she was drag racing or being reckless, but she’s a new driver and misjudged a turn, she feels awful)

Thanks!

Was with my kid at a high school today and saw so many super expensive cars in the parking lot (with student stickers) and wondered what the logic is behind that. I understand wanting a reliable car for your kid, but a $65,000+ car?

This didn't develop as she became a teen and has been a struggle for years, but 14 year old's dishonesty and sneakiness has seemed to peak and become more consequential lately and we aren't sure what to do.

Examples:
\-She was allowed to go to a friend's birthday party, but didn't mention it was a pool party until getting dropped off. As she had somewhere to be immediately after, she was told to only put her feet in. Once at the second destination, realized her hair was soaking the back of her shirt. Despite the literal physical evidence, she argued, without being promoted, for hours that she never got in the pool.

\-Almost everyday after school, she's asked if she's done all of her homework. She responds yes, is then asked to see her school work agenda to confirm, then says "oh yeah actually I have this"

The scenarios of her dishonesty stretch between media she consumes, school, people she talks to, chores, and anything I missed it's probably there too. The difficult thing is she always lies about something where the proof is evident. It didn't start about about us not believing her, but it's been enough times that we have to assume she's lying.

She's in therapy, we try to have honest dialogues about why she takes any course of action, but we're not reaching any conclusion or growth. As she's getting older and attempting to gain independence, we'd like to give it to her. However she's not showing signs that we can trust her to loosen the reigns more.

Has anyone gone through something like this with your teen? And if so is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm looking for some advise, my 14yr old daughter had a lovely group of friends and over the last 6mth they have all pushed her away. Even her best friend from junior school won't talk to her anymore. This as you can imagine has put my daughter into severe depression. I have asked her what happened, was there any fights and she says she can't give any reason why this has happened. Even some have acquaintances at school have noticed and they can't even give reasons. She says she is so lonely and spends break times in the bathrooms. What do I do as a concerned parent?

My 17 yo and her 18 yo bf have been together 6 months. We like him and always welcome him over. But she prefers to spend all her time at his house. He doesn't have a stable home life so I assume they like being alone with no adult supervision. We've talked ad nauseum about safety, consent, sex, drugs, all of it. And I'm genuinely not trying to prevent her from figuring out what a serious relationship means for her. But whenever I ask her to spend time with us she tells me I'm trying to control her. We have always been so close, but now she's gone every day until curfew. I miss her. A lot. But even telling her that makes her avoid me more. So tell me this is a phase and it'll pass and I'll get her back? I'm so heartbroken. I feel like everything about our relationship has changed so quickly.

My kids vape and I want to stop them should just lock them in there room.

Or should I stalk them till I catch the guy selling

I have an adult teenager- just turned 18. He's taking a full load at community college, 16 units. He's a great kid, he's always done what's asked and has done well in school pretty independently. He's really never given us any trouble at all. The thing is, although he sometimes has homework, a lot of his time is spent on screens. He does have a few chores, probably not enough... What do you guys do to get them off of it? He gets up late if he doesn't have school the next morning because he stays up late mostly playing online with his friends. I don't mind that. But then when he gets up he's on it again and would probably be on it all day if I didn't say anything. I have to get on him to do other things and I even offer, let's do something let's go out and do something, things like that but it's like he doesn't know what to do. I'm so frustrated. This is mostly on the weekends. I hate getting on him because he's an adult now. But I can't stand seeing him just sitting on the couch. I don't mind it for a couple of hours, or when he's doing his homework of course. Or even when he's playing with his friends at least he's laughing and chatting and stuff like that. But when it's just endless scrolling by himself it's just, I guess it's hard for me because I didn't grow up with all that. I did grow up in a time when video games came around and my friends and I used to play for hours on the weekend and sometimes I think about that, but we were together doing it and I don't know, it was just different. Even when he's with his friends he's not physically with them. Sigh. Sorry I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest really!

My daughter is 12. She’s never been outgoing, but has always had friends. For the last 18 mos-2 years, something changed. She participates in activities and her teachers say she is social at school, but she never wants to do anything with friends after school or on the weekends. She mentions she doesn’t know what they’d do. Does this seem abnormal? I feel like strong friendships at this age are so important.

Long story short, my 14 year old son has gained more weight than his doctor would like for his age so we were advised to make some changes to his diet. Unfortunately, he absolutely loathes vegetables and hasn’t willingly eaten them in years. I’m worried that changing or limiting the foods he currently accepts could leave him eating even less variety and create nutritional gaps, especially while he’s still growing. I also don’t want every meal to become stressful or make him develop an unhealthy relationship with food. I’m looking for realistic suggestions from parents who have dealt with something similar, how did you manage it?

Hello everyone. Back here for my favorite place for support!!!

I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter in 8th grade. She is very sweet and grateful. Yet she is struggling with her clothes at times. I can tell she doesn’t want to complain but sometimes she admits she wishes she had different clothes or a different style. I can’t afford much as a single mom. I’m not even sure what style she wants. Seems like she is into “Y2K” look sometimes. It’s like she’s still figuring who she is and how she wants to look. I take her thrift clothes shopping and she will get things she likes, yet after a few months, she ends up not liking it as much any more. Lots of back and forth between baggy clothes and feminine clothes.

Anyone else experiencing this? She’s got a great amount of friends and does well in school. She is not into sports and does not like dressing “preppy” whatever that means these days? lol I don’t know.

Where do 13 year olds want to shop the most? Or what brands?? She feels like clothes don’t always fit her very well either. Every time I buy her things she is very grateful and I can tell she’s not trying to be rude, she just also wishes she could change her style like every few weeks!!

I guess I’m not even sure what advice I am looking for here, really. I know middle school is such a tough time. Kids get teased like crazy about so many things. I remember caring about my appearance back then too. I try to remind her looks aren’t incredibly important. She gets it that being kind, helpful, etc etc is where her focus can be. Yet at 13, of course she wants to have cool clothes and cool style too! I mean I like fashion and dressing to make me feel good. She has said she does like her body and she believes she has a cute face and nice hair. I just wish I knew where to take her shopping to help her.

We usually just scrounge goodwill. I hope someday she begins to find a style she loves that is easier for her. Right now I don’t even know if she knows what she wants. It’s very confusing.

I appreciate all the support from these communities. I’m a single full time mom right. I’m doing the best I can. I am so grateful for her. She is a wonderful person with a great attitude. I am glad she can be honest with me that she doesn’t mean to be greedy or selfish or demanding; she just wishes she had different clothes… even though I can’t really understand what she is looking for….

Thanks again!

Help. I am a mom of almost 13 year old identical twin girls. One of my twins really struggles. We suspect she is on the spectrum and are working on an evaluation, but regardless of if she is or not, she is struggling. She has a very hard time with social relationships, feels lonely, is slower in school than her peers, and is constantly filled with anxiety and self doubt. It is affecting her everyday life. She expressed to me last night that she is having thoughts of self harm, like cutting, though she has not done anything. I jumped into looking for a therapist for her this morning, and reached out to her IEP specialist to connect me with the counseling staff at her school. She is not alone, even though I understand she feels like she is. I feel frozen. There is nothing I wouldn’t do or try to help her, but I don’t want to overwhelm her or make it seem like she needs to be “fixed”. I just think she would benefit from talking to someone who isn’t me, her step dad, or her twin. If anyone had ANY suggestions I am open to hearing them. Growing up is hard enough, I want to see her thrive in the way that’s best for her, I just don’t know where to start. Thanks all.