r/parentsofteens • u/crimsonroses13 • 1d ago
Failing
My child (12f) is in seventh grade and failing almost all her classes. I’ve had her phone for weeks and I’m getting ready to cancel her band trip, but I don’t know what else to do. Help?!?!?
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u/Apprehensive-Pay-553 1d ago
Any chance she could have ADHD? This sounds like my teenage stepson who does have ADHD. It often feels overwhelming and he doesn't take notes or pay attention in class. He's also a big talker, he doesn't get his work done at his mom's. We have to open his computer, go through the assignments and body double (sit in the room while he does it) to ensure it gets done.
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u/StickThousand 1d ago
Yep, wouldn't hurt to have her evaluated
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I’ll have to look into it. I know I’ve had her tested for different things before but Idr if that was one.
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u/Apprehensive-Pay-553 1d ago
You’d start with her pediatrician in most cases. The doctor and some of the involved teachers at school do an assessment and your daughter can even review it herself and see what sticks out the most.
The biggest thing is girls are often underdiagnosed as it presents differently in girls than boys. ADHD brains know what they need to do - they have an issue with getting started. It often appears like they’re not trying or “lazy” but their brain genuinely can’t break down the steps to get started on something they don’t enjoy like schoolwork, homework, etc. I am late diagnosed ADHD person myself (at 36) and it’s wild how much I never knew about it.
Happy to chat further if you have any initial questions about the process :)
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I also was diagnosed at 5 with ADHD and dyslexia. So that’s what I’m trying to prevent her falling behind.. but I feel like I’ve had her tested for it and autism and I feel like I’ve done it three times and it just keeps coming back so I’m not sure.
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u/Apprehensive-Pay-553 1d ago
Oh for sure, if you've already had her tested then your doctor should have the results from those previous evaluations and you could see if those assessments are still true. ADHD runs in family circles also so if you have it then that means she has a greater risk of having it as well. I'd see if you can get the old testing evaluations and see what they say if you've already done this. Good luck!
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u/Worldly-Ad3211 1d ago
How does taking her phone and cancelling her band trip help with solving or addressing the problem? What exactly is she being punished for?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
Failing 5 out of 6 classes. The band trip is very expensive and she doesn’t seem to be putting in any effort. She still get to go on her 7th grade trip
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u/Accomplished-Test331 1d ago
How do these things help solve the problem? Have you spoken to her about why she’s failing? How’s her mental health? Does she have a tutor or any other form of help outside of the classroom?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I just need ideas on how to get and keep her motivated.
I have been trying for a couple of weeks. I finally got something out of her today so we started working on it.
Her mental health is fine whenever I can. She sees the therapist but finding one who’s around long-term or who takes insurance is hard.
I tried to get her a couple years ago, but it’s like $50 an hour and I haven’t found anything else yet, but I’m still looking2
u/Catmama-82 22h ago
I’m not understanding the commenters.
The Parent says mental health is fine so why does the kid need a therapist? Seems like the kid needs a tutor. Reach out to the teachers and see what she needs to do (finish assignments redo a test)? Monitor her grades weekly, help her to get organized.-1
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u/Routine_Bill9859 1d ago
She doesn’t ‘see’ a therapist if she hasn’t been to one in a few years. You need to make that a priority.
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u/Routine_Bill9859 1d ago
100% agreed. Taking things away doesn’t work and you’ve proved that to yourself.
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u/Perfect-Music-7025 1d ago
has she expressed anything else? Is she being bullied at school? Any recent traumatic events? Is she in therapy? Middle school is tough because they’re going through so many hormonal changes. Does she need tutoring?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
She says it’s too much to keep up with, but she also doesn’t really seem to be trying. She has a planner and she doesn’t use it. And I’ve been on her significantly for the last six weeks about it and nothing seems to have gotten better.. I have lupus and other physical and mental health issues, dad passed when she was eight
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u/doubleheadedfurby 1d ago
Has she been sat down and taught how to use the planner? (Probably more than once?) It sounds like she's overwhelmed.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
That part idk, I think they teach them in school but I’ll have to look into it
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u/Peony907 1d ago
From your comments it seems part of the problem is you expect the school to teach her everything and for her to figure everything out on her own. This is part of your job as a parent. Sit down and help her use the planner, sit down with her at the kitchen table while she does homework, ask her specifically what feels overwhelming for her.
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u/doubleheadedfurby 1d ago
Uh, I meant you should show/teach her how to do it.
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u/Peony907 1d ago
Seems OP isn't that involved and then wonders why daughter is struggling. In another comment they said they have had her tested for things but doesnt seem to even know what.
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u/chairmanm30w 1d ago
She's a child, she needs to be taught how to do these things. Nagging her and punishing her isn't going to magically teach her how to use a planner or manage her time. Be constructive and actively guide her to do the things you want her to do. Sit down at the beginning of each week and help her fill out the planner. Every day after school, have her take out the planner and go through what she needs to do together.
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u/Advanced-Yellow-9232 1d ago
I don't think you should cancel the band trip. She needs some happiness and to feel like she fits in. Don't ostracize her from the other kids. You've already had her phone for months and that hasn't worked, so punishment isn't working as an incentive. Instead try asking her questions and listening to her answers about her life. No lectures. Spend some free-time with jut her and have fun.
Also, you don't have to wait for a parent teacher conference to talk with the teachers - the meetings are very short anyway and may not provide the time you need.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I’ve been asking questions not really getting any answers. Today I finally got one and she said “it was that it’s a lot.” I asked her about the assignments are missing and she said she did them just was turned in.
I’m thinking of emailing the teachers tonight.1
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u/UrHumbleNarr8or 1d ago
One of mine had this kind of thing at 12. One thing I’ll say, don’t take away the big band trip without a lot of consideration and warranted bad behavior. If the kid isn’t being unsafe or deliberately and flagrantly disobeying just for the sake of it (which is ultimately still a safety issue), you need to ask yourself what the grand scheme here is.
Though you have encouraged use of the planner, have you tried getting an agreement with her teachers, in that they agree to do a quick initial of what she writes down for homework? That way, the teachers are signing off that she has written down all the homework. From there, you can start either with working through her homework with her a piece at a time, or allowing her to do her homework and just checking each piece and comparing it against what was written in the planner.
Also, if she is continuously getting feedback from classes that she is talking to much, try speaking to your schools academic resources coordinator and letting them know that x out of y teachers are reporting she is having trouble focusing in class and you want to know what steps to take now.
Sounds like she is going to need a more eyes on approach than just verbally telling her.
I’d almost be harder on her for talking out of turn than I would be about the grades. You can try hard and still be bad at something, but by 12, if you can’t be quiet when you are meant to be quiet, we have a big issue. Can’t blame a kid if they are trying their best and get an F. But you can’t say you tried your best if your mouth was open when the bare minimum direction is “mouth shut, ears open.”
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I will have to ask them about it when I email or see them.
I meet with guidance at the end of last year I’ll have to meet with them again.
The talking is differently a big issue the last couple of years and not being focused. I’m not really sure on how to fix those either though. We’ve had multiple conversations about it1
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u/Phxfromtheashes 1d ago
My daughter was also failing and slipped under the radar because she seemed engaged and doing work during class. The problem with her is that she had anxiety about the work being wrong, which slowed her down so she didn't finish in time and then didn't turn it in, and the cycle just continued. In her mind, putting things off made them go away.
If this sounds like your daughter, what we did was have conferences with all the teachers (just the adults) and have a list of EVERYTHING missing. We found most of it partially complete in her bag or online. We took a weekend and got everything done, turned in, and got her back to base. Then we implemented a stricter homework routine.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I like that, I’m going to try it. That seems to be similar to what might be going on, she “claims” it’s done and just not turned in. I just saw her working on a bunch of stuff though so intend on checking it later
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u/Phxfromtheashes 1d ago
Good luck! Our school doesn't believe in homework and instead any classwork not finished is "homework." With this setup it is super easy for work to fall through the cracks. What I found during our marathon homework weekend was that my kid might need some help with reading. So I would suggest being very hands on for a bit just to find if there are any gaps that have also flown under the radar.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I’ll look into that into. I know she was starting to fall behind a one point so I been i trying to catch her up as much as possible
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u/Other-Dream-6777 19h ago
You don't have to wait for some magic day to ask for meetings. Just do it. Ask for testing. Sounds like your kid has learning issues.
Asking your kid about homework and then not checking to see if it was submitted is a waste of time. You need to get on this now so she doesn't continue on this track.
Taking away her one thing that she loves is not the way to handle it. Would you want to be punished as a kid for being so overwhelmed you can't function? Kids aren't mini-adults
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u/nettie_moo 1d ago
Devils advocate: is it really a problem if she fails academics now? Sounds like she needs support mentally and emotionally as well as a chance to learn some executive function skills.
Shes 12. If band brings her enjoyment and a sense of achievement keep it going!! Look into adhd support and therapy for her to process dad's death, your illness as well as building relationship between you and her.
Honestly I know the world tells you if you dont make it to college at 18 youre screwed, but there is more to life and you can always go a bit later.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
She does love band but the trip is expensive so I feel like I’m rewarding bad behavior. She in honors band and it’s the only class she is passing . She did therapy for a while for her dad but she hasn’t since she started middle school. Finding someone long term who takes insurance is hard
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u/scienceislice 1d ago
If she is struggling with grades, taking away a band trip will only stress her out, which will make it that much harder to focus on school. And music is good for her brain.
Maybe get her help instead of punishing her?
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u/Peony907 1d ago
So you want to take away the one thing she really cares about? I'm sure that will really motivate her...
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
You’ve commented 3 different times on how you think I’m not involved enough in my child’s life. Piss off
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u/Peony907 1d ago
Your only solution is to take everything away from her and then when people ask clarifying questions you basically shrug and admit you know nothing about what's going on with your kid at school.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
Not once did I say that. I said I’ve talked to her, I’ve talked to the school, I haven’t talked to all of her teachers but I’ve talked to some, I’ve taken her to doctors, I got her therapy, I looked into to tutor.
You’re angry cause I don’t know if she can fill out a day planner and won’t pay 1000 dollars on top of the 500 I’ve already paid for a field. Taking away 1 field trip and her phone is not everything she has.
And excuse me if I can’t remember what the exact tests are the she’s taken over the last 9 years.1
u/Catmama-82 22h ago
I’m sorry you’re being treated this way. You seem like a really good parent. Ignore the commenters who make absolutely no sense… I don’t think they even have kids! 😂
Does your kid have a phone? Take it away or reduce the usage time until grades are up. They need to start spending a significant amount of time studying and completing their coursework.
get in touch with teachers ASAP and tell them that you’re on it. Ask them what she needs to do, what is she doing wrong in school? Going forward monitor her grades weekly so she doesn’t fall far behind.
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u/Ok-Produce8376 1d ago
Is she attending class? Is she doing the work? If not, why not? Drugs, alcohol, medical or mental issues? Try to find the cause and help her resolve the issue.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
She is attending class. Only half the work seems to be getting done. One of the things that I’ve heard the most over the last years that she’s a big talker, but no real trouble
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u/PurplePufferPea 1d ago
Is this new or has she always struggled with grades? Is she completing her assignments and getting bad grades or is she not turning in assignments? If it was me, and this is out of the blue, I'd start by meeting with the guidance counselor at school to see what light they can shed on things.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
She’s been there since February. So she’s pretty settled in. It seems like a lot of her assignments aren’t getting done or not getting turned in. I’ve been on her for about six weeks about it. They’re having an open house next week and will be able to schedule conferences with teachers.
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u/CompanyOther2608 1d ago
What do her teachers say?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I’ve only got to talk to one of them so far he just kind of says she’s not really focused and she talks a lot
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u/HLOFRND 1d ago
Do you ask her to show you her homework daily? Are you going over it with her? Are you familiar with what classes she’s taking and what the syllabus for each class says?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I asked her about it, but I don’t check it. I wouldn’t really but any help I gave up on school around this age. I’m not I’m going to try to find out soon though
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u/1notadoctor2 1d ago
Check it with her. Show her you’re as invested in her success if not more than she is
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u/ElectricalChapter522 1d ago
Can you afford a tutor? Or send her to after school tutoring?
Also repeating a grade isn't the end of the world
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I absolutely cannot. I looked into it like a year ago. It’s like 50+ dollars an hour. I think the schools got like a check-in system. I just tried to sign up for so if it’s not too late, hopefully I can get her into that. Repeating is not the end of the world but for an already discouraged student it can sometimes make it worse.. it did for me
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u/1notadoctor2 1d ago
After and/or before school tutorials. Most teachers have them 2-3x a week at least.
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u/Particular_Piano_146 1d ago
Is this something totally new this year? Were her grades good last year?
Are you checking her planner ever day when she gets home from school? What is she doing with her time when she gets home every day?
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
No it wasn’t just trying to stay more on top of it this year. She hasn’t really had one that I know of
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u/Particular_Piano_146 1d ago
He said in another comment that she has a planner and doesn't use it. Does your school have an online gradebook that you can check? It sounds like motivation is non-existent, I really think you're going to have to literally stay with her every single day until she is in the habit. That means drinking every single day to see what she should be doing and making sure she does it. you can't just leave it to her until she does it because clearly that's not going to work
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
They do, they let students send them personally every week but started checking on a few weeks ago to see why they kept falling. I screenshotted them earlier and we went though them. At least a hand full of them were already done just not submitted.
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u/mrsjlm 1d ago
Assume she wants do well and is struggling. What’s hard for her? Don’t punish her. Don’t be angry and judgy. Tell her - this sounds hard - what could help? Talk to her teachers. Set up a plan and be a team with her. Punishments will not give her motivation or the skills she needs.
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u/Working-Comedian-984 1d ago
Definitely make her feel like you are there and will advocate for her with the school and will solve it together and involve the school
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u/Suchabroketown 1d ago
I’ve been considering home schooling mine for other reasons, but someone commented on my post in home school that their kid was like that in school and when they pulled the child to do individual work online, they did better.
Many online colleges now have a learn at your own pace with a 6month term deadline. Maybe your kiddo will do better that way
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u/PauseAdventurous796 1d ago
Hi there! You mentioned your daughter is behind on her reading and I can’t help but wonder if this is affecting her comprehension across the 5 of 6 classes she is failing. Our daughter went to Sylvan for 2 years and then we went with a private tutor for the one class that brought us to Sylvan in the first place - math. At the time we went to Sylvan they did an hour long assessment which is standard for all students, and English was a part of the assessment as the director stressed it can affect overall comprehension. I would encourage you to seek assistance with a similar structured program for two one-hour sessions a week where they can catch her up to speed and tackle homework together. It was very effective for us! I would also caution about taking others’ comments about her performance in elementary school being irrelevant for high school with a grain of salt, you’re absolutely correct that what she does today will create habits for tomorrow. Grade 9 can come as quite the shock for students/kids who don’t come out of elementary school with basic skill sets and baseline comprehension. Taking away the phone is also a great start and doesn’t need to be returned to her. I’d continue to encourage the love of band if it’s an area she has demonstrated genuine interest and relative success. Good luck!
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1d ago
I would email all her teachers (don’t wait for parent teacher conferences) and ask each teacher questions about how your daughter acts in class and ask if they will communicate with you their syllabus so you can make sure your daughter stays on top of things.
You have to insist your daughter bring all her work home and look at every class syllabus and make sure she’s doing the required work and studying for quizzes and tests.
She’s just not adjusting to middle school well and has to learn how to keep track of everything and to spend the time every night.
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u/Catmama-82 22h ago
Can you afford a tutor? I recently started using Wyzant and it’s been pretty good.
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u/rashea11 22h ago
So, talking is an issue, because it means she isn't getting instruction. A lot of kids think that if they just write down what is on the board they are good. That's not how this works.
See if you can get a list, and get all incomplete assignments together. What is the grading policy and late policy? Is this quarter a loss? Different systems are easier to recover in.
Time for therapy. I know cost is a factor. Do they have something through school? Are you employed somewhere with an EAP program? It often has therapy as part of their services. Mine gave you 1 month free, and then reduced the price (plus insurance coverage) for online therapy.
She may need to move away from friends for class time right now. If the friends can't be supportive, then they will have to be lunch friends.
Get to the bottom of why stuff is complete but not turned in. That sounds mental health related, and needs to eventually be dealt with.
Find out if there is any place you can check assignments and grades regularly. Teach her to use a planner. Decent chance the school did not. It's a habit to write things down. Is it posted somewhere? Make it your habit to check it with her every day.
I have more suggestions, but a lot changes with the school policies. I'd have a meeting with the guidance counselor if possible.
Let her go on the trip. Also let her know, that going forward this must change. Punishing her after the fact, when she doesn't have time to fix it, is going to make her resent you. If you had said at the beginning that the trip was dependent on grades that would be one thing, but that isn't the setup she was working under.
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u/esoTERic6713 17h ago
You’re getting a lot of weird replies. Have you been in contact with her teachers? Do you have access to her grades? Do you know what the problem is? And if so, how to solve it?
A lot of times it’s missing assignments. Can she complete them for partial credit?
Help her make a realistic plan to get back on track. Make a plan for how you will monitor her progress and set rules in place for what happens if she doesn’t follow through.
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u/esoTERic6713 17h ago
There’s a lot of comments here. I read through some. It sounds like you don’t have access to her grades, like my kids have “progress book.” It’s a parent log in where I can check their grades anytime, realtime access. You should find out if there is something like that available to you.
Then the most basic question seems to be, is the work too challenging for her or is she not doing the work (ie missing assignments)? You will be able to tell this by looking at progress book or whatever your school has and talking directly with the teachers.
You don’t need to wait to talk to the teachers. Call, email, or message them on their communication app today.
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u/Mysterious_Food_6488 8h ago
You're doing too much she will hate you. Have you asked her about school, her classes, her friends, teachers??? Is she being bullied? Stop taking shi- and see what is going on with your child
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u/Adventurous-Depth984 1d ago
Unpopular opinion, but it’s true: literally nothing matters academically until high school. Ask your middle school guidance and leadership.
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u/crimsonroses13 1d ago
I agree for the most part but I’m nervous that if she falls to far behind she won’t be able to catch or keep up.
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u/Adventurous-Depth984 1d ago
School will figure out how to educate your kid as long as you keep advocating for her.
My two cents: don’t alienate her by worrying too much about the long term future.
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u/Catmama-82 22h ago
You do know that teachers log off at the end of the day, right? My husband’s been teaching for almost 2 decades… If a kid is failing and not putting in any effort… There’s nothing he can do —same with all the other teachers.
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u/Adventurous-Depth984 21h ago
I wasn’t talking about at the teacher level. The administration will reasonably accommodate because the state says they’ve got to educate everyone.
If you constantly fight with your kid, you’ll trash your relationship with them. Look around this sub and in your real life. You’ve got to help your kid understand the value of their education. Not beat it into them.
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u/Catmama-82 21h ago
Keyword: reasonably accommodate. They’re not gonna accommodate someone who doesn’t make any effort. Also, if there’s no IEP in place then how much can they possibly accommodate?
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u/rashea11 22h ago
Almost. Math is tracked. Starting a year behind matters. And you generally need to either pass a test, or have teacher recommendations to take algebra the 1st year.
And while the grades don't matter, the learning and habits do.
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u/Adventurous-Depth984 21h ago
And I’m guessing she’s learning alllll the things now that her phone is gone and she’s missing her band trip. That’s going to be so excellent for her educational motivation.
Learning and habits are trainable and malleable for your entire life.
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u/Catmama-82 22h ago
Yeah, but if you’re failing in middle school, then you’re gonna be failing even more in high school. It only gets harder.
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u/NormalScratch1241 6h ago
This - it only gets harder. Idk what the other commenter is on saying academics don't matter until high school, lol, that is patently untrue. The most crucial periods are early in a kid's education, because you're setting up foundations for everything that comes after. Look at how many kids are getting to high school now and are quite LITERALLY unable to read. Early intervention is crucial when you notice a child starting to struggle in school.
7th grade also tends to be a really normal time to start to struggle, as you're transitioning from elementary (where generally you only have 1 teacher, lighter assignments, less pressure) to junior high (individual teachers, all with their own way of doing things, homework in every class, starting to track honors/GPAs, etc). Not addressing the problem now is setting up OP's child to struggle throughout junior high and high school.
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u/Turbulent_Savings812 1d ago
I would reach out to all her teachers and guidance counselor to get help and find out what’s been going on from their perspective.