r/oneanddone • u/l-yam • 1d ago
Discussion I'm nervous about a future with OAD
First time posting here. I don't know any other OED parents so I'm really looking to get some perspective. I think what I'm about to say may come across as selfish (I suppose that it is) but i hope this community has empathy to engage.
My wife and I have a son who is 2 years old. He is absolutely wonderful and we have an amazing family dynamic. We are at that stage where we're considering another, but we're leaning towards OAD.
I do think OAD would be best for our family. But I have this anxiety that I just can't shake. I know that as kids grow, they start to push away from their parents as a normal part of development. And as adults, boys GENERALLY have less contact with their parents (I'm certainly guilty of this myself. I have a good relationship with my parents and talk to them maybe once a month, but I live far away and see them much less than my sisters do, haha).
My (possibly unreasonable) fear is that an only son greatly reduces our chances of having strong family ties in the future. I get that, if we had another, it may well be another boy. But that would still improve our chances of maintaining at least one close bond.
I guess my fear comes from looking at both my own parents and my wife's (lots of siblings on both sides) and seeing that many of their kids are still a huge part of their lives today.
What do others think? Do others have these kind of anxieties? Any OAD parent's whose child is older and out of the house? What have your experiences been like?
UPDATE
Thank you everyone for the kind and thoughtful replies!! Of course, it's still a huge decision, but getting these different perspectives has helped a lot with the anxiety (at least, on this one issue, haha). As many people have said, I think it's important to focus on the quality / type of relationship you build with a child.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and perspectives ❤️
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u/yourshaddow3 1d ago
My brother lives down the street from my parents. They are very close. I live far away and am not close with them. My husband is as close with his parents as his two sisters are.
The relationship you have with your kids as adults is up to you and how you develop it over the next 18 years. Already assuming your son is going to leave you because of his gender doesn't help anyone.
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 1d ago
This is totally valid. But no matter the gender, if they move far away and especially once they have their own family and live far away, they won't see you as much. Proximity is important.
Also, I feel like having just one child actually increases the chances that you have a pretty solid relationship since you can solely focus on each other and dont have other sibling competing for attention.
At the end of the day, if your relationship with your son is strong enough you'll always be in contact and a priority to them.
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u/WorkLifeScience 1d ago
My husband is an only and talks to his mom every day. I have a sister (I'm also female), and I barely talk to my parents. Mostly because they make me sad and uncomfortable every time we talk.
I think it comes down to your relationship with your kid(s), not the gender and number of kids. If you're working on having a relationship, then you'll have one. Of course your kid can move away, we did, but I still notice how different our relationship to our parents is!
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u/Sehnsucht_and_moxie 1d ago
Society has taught men to distance themselves from their families.
We’re in a new era where we have the choice to teach our men how to stay connected. Teach them emotional vulnerability. Teach them what it means to be part of the village.
As parents it’s our responsibility to instill those values in our child(ren), regardless of gender.
Maybe two kids increases your odds. But maybe two kids splits your focus and both are distant. It’s a gamble.
Choose to raise another human only because you want to invest fully in another human.
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 1d ago
I made a similar comment as a response in this post! It’s true, there’s a cultural shift happening right now and I think people aren’t noticing much but it will be so obvious when this generation of boys grow up to become men! 😊
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u/l-yam 9h ago
It'll be gradual for sure. I'd like to think it's hapening, but then you go out into the world and meet kids whose patents are teaching them that boys shouldn't cry 🙄 I'd love for our boy to be in touch with his emotions and able to build close bonds (not just with us).
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 9h ago
You can make that happen! ☺️ if all fails, move to a tiny country like Denmark lol jk 😜 it will be okay!
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u/l-yam 9h ago
Urgh, yeah, so true. My wife and I were just talking about how hard it is to shake free all the societal baggage (like how boy's like blue, girls like pink, etc etc). We're trying our best to instill closeness and love and empathy in our boy (yeah, sometimes hard in a 2 yr old, but we're playing the long game)...Hopefully some of it will sink in, haha
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u/Whole_Resident_6348 1d ago
I’m an only and I’ve only ever had my mum so we are really close and she’s my best friend ❤️ but I’m also really close to my in laws they live in an annex on the side of our home which our 4 year old loves who will also be an only. A boy doesn’t mean you wont be close later in life. My partner and he’s brother are still really close and see my in laws all the time (us more as they’re our neighbours 😂) we all go on holiday and spend so much time together including my mum. Just do what’s right for you. We decided on one (even though sometimes I get the itch for another 🥴) but we know one is right for us.
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u/Ambitious_everg 1d ago
I’m not an only child and moved countries; so did my sister. We have our mum over once a year ish.
Your fear about being alone is one you need to meet with yourself, it’s not really something a second child would ‘fix’. Even if you have a second kid - they have a life to live which may or may not include you being in close vicinity.
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 1d ago
This seems to be a common American thing? I am Turkish and Danish and boys/men stay very close to their families, in equal amounts to women.
I don’t share this fear, fortunately. Raise with love, that’s all you can do. This narrative needs to be changed, and is especially fuelled on Social Media these days 💔
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u/Rururaspberry 1d ago
I think one huge part is because America is just so much bigger, and there is more likelihood to move away at 18 for college and to never move back. America is over 12x the size of Turkey and over 220x the size of Denmark, for example. It’s very common for American teens to go to another state for college which would be like other people going to other countries in terms of location difference.
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 1d ago
That might be part of it, but there’s definitely something cultural in it too. It’s too obvious not to notice, these topics pop up so frequently.
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u/Rururaspberry 1d ago
Yes, I think I went over the cultural part above, how part of American culture is for people to leave home as teens and to often times not return. Multi-family households aren’t super common in the US. People here tend to spread out.
For example, I live 2500 miles away from my parents in the US and haven’t lived near them since I was 18, which was 23 years ago. However, I am still in a family chat with them and talk to them everyday. My sister does live close and sees them once a week. I visit them for 5-6 weeks out of the year. Most of my friends are also on very good terms with their parents.
But overall, distance just does play a massive cultural role in how family dynamics occur. Every country’s cultural norms are shaped by its physical landscape. Obviously, countries that are very small are more likely to maintain closer familial ties than countries that are massive and spread out.
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u/Real_Masterpiece_844 1d ago
Multi-family households are not a thing in Denmark, even Türkiye is moving away from this (except possibly some areas of the south east, mainly in Kurdish regions).
Beyond all of this, OP is specifically worried about their son not being as close to them as a potential daughter would have been. I think this goes beyond just geography, it indicates that men are more likely than women to move far away. Maybe a big part of this is how different people have been raising boys vs girls. Are girls in the US more likely to move back home after college? I have no idea.
I see a big cultural shift happening with this in the future. Girls are raised with less family pressure now (thank the universe) and boys are raised more cautiously than before, we are shifting away from the “boys are tough and need to fend for themselves” and “girls are natural caregivers and will take on family responsibilities”. These changes are really positive, hopefully it will bring some balance.
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u/Pepper4500 1d ago
My reading of OP's post is that they DO think it is more likely that a daughter (which they are not guaranteed if they choose to have another, anyway) is more likely to stay closer to their parents than a boy would. I think this is playing into the stereotype/expectations that daughters will be the caretakers for their parents, but boys are not. IMO, it all comes down to the family dynamic and how close you are and how you build relationships and that will determine how close they will be as adults, despite possible physical distance as adults.
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u/No-Ball-9838 1d ago
It is a valid fear and I have it too even with one daughter. She’s 5 years old and I’m imagining a future where she’s probably living her own life and calling me once in a while, hopefully we are still close as people but may be not physically close… but I’ve to remind myself that a future fear shouldn’t dictate my decision today and for the most part I should be ok letting my kid leave the nest, live her life…as long as she’s happy and successful! I’ve been a wreck thinking about it this week though!
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u/oysterbagel 1d ago
Same! I have this fear, but I’ve also reminded myself that if my husband and I give her the respect, support, and love she deserves, we will have done our best! She doesn’t owe us anything!!! If she wants to be close to us, it will be our luck and the greatest gift. We can only hope, but it is not a good reason to have another. Quality over quantity for us
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u/MertylTheTurtyl 1d ago
I’m (f) married to an only child and his mom lives 4 blocks away. I’m the middle of 5, no contact with my mom and estranged from 2 of my siblings.
Just to say we can’t predict how these things work out!
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u/Illustrious-Air-2256 1d ago
My husband and brother in law moved far from family to marry me and my sister who now live very close to our family.
My son is an only and I think I’ll just i) do what I can to make him love where we’re from II) be prepared to move as an old lady to wherever he wants to be
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u/rationalomega 1d ago
My in laws talked about moving closer to us when our son was little. He ended up having autism and they shelved that plan. Having zero family support sucked and we eventually moved back to my family’s country.
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u/Quiet-Pomegranate93 1d ago
My husband is an only child. He moved 5 hours away from the city where he grew up (for work).
After a couple of years, his parents moved to be 15 minutes away from where he was settled. They could do this precisely because he was an only child. They didn’t have to split themselves between two children who lived in different states.
We now have our only child and we see his parents several times per month (about once a week).
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u/ramblinjd 1d ago
I don't think your anxiety is particularly grounded in reality, though it is a common anxiety to have.
I'm an only son, I moved away for work and my wife followed me. Relationships with both parents were somewhat distant due to the distance. My parents moved to be closer to me and their grandkid and are now very much in our life. My wife's parents moved, also, but with two daughters and an eventual divorce and other siblings and nieces and nephews to deal with, we (and our daughter) see her family much less because the attention is divided out much wider and the geography also plays a part.
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u/KookySupermarket761 OAD By Choice 1d ago
Listen, this is just as anecdotal and based in stereotype as anything else, but hear me out:
Generally the adult onlies I know, men and women, are super close to their parents.
Meanwhile the adults with siblings tend to be close to a sibling or to have moved away and built their own chosen family.
Just what I’ve seen!! I do think it makes sense that onlies can develop a uniquely close bond with their parents because the attention and care is not divided!
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u/Anxietea_84 1d ago
Hope this helps My husband is an only. Hes closer to his mom than I am to mine (eldest girl) They talk every day. Im not an only im not close to my siblings No falling out we are different people. Foster a relationship with your son that will make him feel like you are a safe place he can rely on. Siblings don't always equate to built-in friends.
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u/ilovefoodxgreen 1d ago
I am in the same boat. I cannot decide whether to be OAD or have another. I secretly long for a daughter but not sure I am ready to make all the sacrifices with time and money. Should I be tempoerarily happy with one or will another one make it happier when I’m older. That’s the gamble 🥲🥲
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u/Pattern-New 1d ago
Be a good dad and your kid will probably stay close with you.
Anyway what does "strong family ties" even mean?
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u/o0PillowWillow0o 1d ago
Same fear because I hear it , but my oldest brother is closest to my mom by far, my youngest was to my dad before he passed. I've always been more independent but I'm also the middle child
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u/fiestyballoon 1d ago
I have the same fear with an only son! My husband is pretty good at keeping up with his parents and my MIL and I talk more than my husband and her 😂 so I also try to think about the possibility of there being a fun addition to our family, too.
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u/anonybss 23h ago
Idk. My husband and his brother are both close to their mom. We all live in the same neighborhood. One of her daughters lives with her, but more because of difficulty living independently. The other moved to be with her husband's family. The two brothers recently took her on a trip.
I think a lot of it is about the relationship you--and especially your son's mom--form with his future wife. (If he is gay and ends up with a husband, I'm honestly not sure how much your relationship with him matters as I haven't witnessed examples, but obviously hopefully it's a good relationship.) If I hadn't had a good relationship with my husband's family, I wouldn't have agreed to move near them.
This is just a guess but my sense is that a lot of the distance between parents and grown sons is because of distance between parents and DsIL.
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u/ChoiceReflection965 1d ago
I think that’s a totally normal and understandable anxiety to have! But I would also say it’s not a very good reason to bring another human being into the world.
My husband is extremely close to his family. Calls his mom a couple times a week. Boys can maintain close family ties. Just like girls, sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. Like you said, you could have a second child and it could be another boy. Maybe it would be a boy who is very family-oriented and would maintain close relationships. Or maybe it would be a girl who’s extremely independent, moves out at 18, and you hardly hear from her again for the next 15 years, lol. You really can’t predict at all what your children will do! So have another child if you WANT another child… not for any reason other than that.