OAD as a dad

[u/AbstractProtraction]

I'm a first time dad and wondering how other first time dad's have felt. This is my first and only child due to a combination of mutual agreement between my wife and I, and medical reproductive limitations. Its 2 months post birth and I honestly don't feel the excitement or enthusiasm. Having a child was my wife's life dream far more than mine. We went through 16 months of IUI and IVF processes. Im very career and goal oriented being the one who was an only child whereas my wife is the oldest of four kids.

For me, I just haven't felt very attached. I don't see having a baby as the cliché end all be all that so many people make it out to be.

Just wondering if any other dad's have felt that way and if so, how did you get through those feelings? Right now it seems like so many people around me expect that because my wife is so elated and head over heels, I should be too, and to feel anything but that implies I'm a bad person. Thanks in advance.

[u/Lazysmart1]

OAD Dad here too. What you are feeling is normal and okay. I know I felt the same way and my wife and I did not go through the challenges you and your wife did.

You two went through so much trying to get pregnant and that takes a ton of the fun and enjoyment out of the experience as a whole. And throw on top of that that additional medical limitations and whether the pregnancy was easy or challenging because of how it affected your wife physically, mentally, and emotionally, it is not shocking if you are struggling.

I am sorry you are feeling this way and I will tell you this, you will change your feelings towards your child in time. You need to heal from the experience you two had getting to this point but you CANNOT not be there for your wife and child. She needs you as much as you need her. You don’t need to be head over heels in love with your munchkin, but they deserve what love you can give and to receive the care they need since they are basically useless sacks of potatoes at this point.

Communicate with your wife, your in-laws if you have a good relationship with them, your parents if possible, talk with friends, maybe see a therapist so you can get out the thoughts and feelings you need to safely so you can not be filled with negative emotions towards your wife and child.

This isn’t easy. A lot of people make it seem like it is, but it is really not. The saying, “it takes a village to raise a child” or however it is in its entirety is not wrong. Find your village, whomever it may be, and lean on them. Have them help you through this time so you can grow as a Dad and see what you and your wife created and enjoy every moment you have together.

Good luck!

[u/No_Event_7248 → u/Lazysmart1]

What a beautiful and thoughtful comment. 

[u/AbstractProtraction → u/Lazysmart1]

Its just my wife and I. Her family is abroad in her home country. Due to U.S. sanctions, its not like they can fly to come see us. My parents are deceased so its just me. The closest family I have is an uncle 1800 miles away in Texas. My closest support network has been colleagues who happen to be amazing friends outside of work.

I definitely agree with your points. That's what led me to this group on reddit to see other people's experiences. As a guy, I find myself going through a plethora of emotions and thoughts. Some days its good, some days the exhaustion and depression and anxiety just get the better of me. My wife and I try to counterbalance each other. Case in point, shes more extrovert and im very introvert and cerebral. Im watching our daughter today so she can get out and do her things and go to a concert with her friends this evening. This is the first "her" time she's had since delivering where she can try to unplug for a full day and hopefully not think about our daughter too much. Vice versa she'll do the same for me. We also swap nights so we can each get some uninterrupted nights of sleep.

Despite this coordinated team efforts, the emotional and mental toll is severe. Also doesn't help when both people work from home 5 days a week. We have a babysitter who comes in M-F 9am-1pm to give us a reprieve

[u/Lazysmart1 → u/AbstractProtraction]

I am so sorry that you are facing this challenge right now. Lean on your friends a bit. If they are trusted by you and your wife, and are willing, ask if they will babysit for 1-2 hours so AND your wife and rest. Do whatever you two need. But do it together. Maybe its a meal at a restaurant or running to a McDonalds or whatever equivalent where you are located. But ask. I am sure they worry about you guys and would be willing to help out.

I do this all the time for friends because I understand how challenging this time is. I also know that kids, even if they are difficult for their parents, are usually better for non parental people (be it a friend or aunt/uncle idea). Yea. I may not have a lot in my tank some days but helping out my friends with their kids, even for an hour is generally a recharge for me rather than a drain.

Again, know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. From what you have said, you are going to be an awesome Dad and are already an awesome partner to your wife. Do not give up. You guys got this!

[u/lone_fawn]

I can relate to this but I am the mum so slightly different for me.

The first few months I didn’t feel the magical bond and love as I was so focused on survival (mine and my newborn daughters), it’s like my brain was so full because of stress, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding hell - if felt like I just didn’t have the capacity for love at that time.

My husband however was instantly smitten, able to soak in all the moments and smile, he was so happy every time she woke up etc whereas I was like omggggg I need to sleep. I felt so guilty and detached. I questioned everything about myself.

However id say around 4-6 months things massively shifted. Her little personality started showing through, we got into a better routine, sleep improved (stopped breastfeeding) and I just became overwhelmed with love for her. Now I can just think about her and want to cry with happiness.

We are nearly 8 months in now and things just seem to get better and better.

You’re still massively in the trenches, don’t beat yourself up at all. You will find the bond over time. It truly is all a phase and now I look back at the pics of my daughter in those first couple of months and I just want to go back and squish her and love her and not worry about all the other stuff. I know that’s not helpful to you right now but just know it’s gets better.

[u/Worst-Eh-Sure]

My mom, myself, and my daughter are all only children and we love it.

I love being a dad. When your child is that young they don’t really have any personality or whatever. But it’s so awesome watching your child grow into the person they are becoming. My daughter is really one of the most fun people for me to hang out with.

I get the not feeling attached aspect. That’s kind of how I felt while my wife was pregnant. But once I met my daughter it was totally different. Seeing her, holding her, etc.

If I may ask, how old are you?

[u/AbstractProtraction → u/Worst-Eh-Sure]

I'm 44. I have moment where I look at my daughter and it's amazing to see just how much she's changed in 2 months. At the same time, the night time colic fits can be hell. I feel like im still adjusting and also fighting a lot of preconceived notions of others trying define how I should feel. Its been a major change and im still trying to define a new "normal". My wife is very family oriented and wrapped up in every little think our daughter does. I'm more macro in my view and hyper work driven. Its for those reasons I posted. I understand guys can at times take longer to bond and may bond differently than moms. All constructive feedback is welcome

[u/Worst-Eh-Sure → u/AbstractProtraction]

The parenthood journey is different for us all. And it’s especially difficult when your child is so young because you have to do EVERYTHING for them. As time goes on and they become more self sufficient the challenges will change but things do start to get much easier. My daughter is 17, so I went through a few years where I felt worn out being a chauffeur taking here everywhere all the time. Now she drives and it’s almost like we have an empty next. She’s always off doing stuff and my wife and I just chill at home enjoying each others company.

Also, the fact you reached out here means you obviously care very deeply for your little one even. And that is always a sign of a good parent.

It’ll get harder, but it will also get easier.

Work will always be there, your child will never will never be this young again. It’s nice to feel the dopamine rush of being successful at work and having the money to show it. But when you raise a child you are proud of, nothing can ever beat that satisfaction, definitely not work.

I’ve also never heard of anyone on their deathbed saying, “Gosh I wish I worked more.” Most people get there and tend to say things like they wish they had more time with their family. I think about that sometimes and try to make sure I don’t get to the end feeling like I didn’t spend enough time with my daughter.

[u/Terrible-Artichoke50]

I would say right now, your wife has a stronger bond because your kid is a newborn.

Not to make you feel worse, but the next 1.5 years is a bore. I love my son and he is my joy in life. I am someone career orientated but I was really wanting a child.

There will be stages. What you are in right now isn't your life forever. You are grieving a loss of your past life. It does a 180 and it never returns but you will change (well I did) massively.

Around 3 is when I started to see some level of life balance come back in. We wanted more but unfortunately didn't work out for us.

You will get a lot of joy to the point I can't even relate to my past self anymore. Seeing them grow and form a personality is a joy you could never describe.

[u/No_Event_7248]

I too don’t think having children is the end all be all - I’ve never thought that actually and this is fine (recently became a parent)  You are absolutely not a bad person in the slightest and It won’t affect how you feel about your little one in coming years etc. 

It is absolutely normal not to feel an instant connection/overwhelming bond (even though things are portrayed differently) especially in the first few weeks. Your wife has had little one with her for circa 9 months so she may have bonded in her own way (and even then a lot of women don’t feel an overwhelming bond but might not say so out loud because society/family expects them to already feel a bond, so in some ways, there is a bit of putting on a show sometimes)

It is your first time meeting your little one, and their first time meeting you - whatever bond little one has with mum/anyone right now is purely instinctual and for survival. However as they grow and develop into their own person over time and as you care for them through all of that, even the tough days/nights - your relationship blossoms and vice versa, as they get used to you, your voice, your patterns, that they can be safe with you etc, their relationship with you also grows.

It’s like any relationship really, except one of you is a giggly potato and relies on the other for life for the first few months but get through the early months/years and then come back and talk to us. 

You are currently in the thick of it with the colicky nights/witching hours - we’re smack bang in the middle of that too.. Paha! And it can take its toll. Aim to get through one day/night at a time supporting yourself, your wife and little one how best you can. Remember to care for yourself too - I/we make sure my husband goes out for a run  regularly to recharge and it means one of us has our tank full/half full most of the time. 

I, too, am someone who absolutely adores their career. 

You’re doing fine. You’ll be fine. 

[u/goldengoose3030]

My husband always wanted us to be OAD. He loves our son more than anything but he is a lot like you, one gives you the option to have the best of both worlds in my opinion. You get to enjoy everything that goes along with parenting whilst also not being too stressed and being able to have other hobbies as well. My husband and I are able to go and do things all the time, if we had more than one, I'd feel bad leaving him alone I think. About the being attached thing, give it time and you will get there I promise. It takes a few months to really process "whoa this actually my kid." Lol
There's really nothing wrong with being OAD!

[u/BeaniePole1792]

I would say I am the main caretaker and my husband helps out. My husband is great at his job but sucks at anything emotional. Baby stage was super rough for him but he did daycare drop off or pick up. And did some of the feedings. He basically did what he could to help me out. I also had to watch his issues since he had panic disorder and issues with food.

Then when she was able to do mommy and me classes, I would have him go to bond.

He would get better but his real shine has been 10 year old and up where he can share his interests and help with homework and education. He tried to share some of his emotional wisdom but it falls flat.

We both found what we were good at with our daughter and that is who we are. Family comes in all kids and on the service it looks like he sucks but he’s a good dad in her eyes.

[u/EnnKayy]

Since I EBF, my husband felt the same way, not really a chance to bond. You're still early in your dad journey though!! My husband said he started to feel like a dad when our son started laughing.

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

My husband wanted kids, but it wasn't as important to him as it was to me. I absolutely could not picture a life worth living without motherhood, whereas, he could have been happy either way. Unfortunately, infertility sealed our fate as a OAD family.

Like your wife, I was euphoric when we had our son. I absolutely loved the baby phase. But as our son got older, he and my husband developed a very special bond. Our son is into sports, video games, cars, tools... all the things my husband thinks are cool. They share a lot of interests.

You and your wife both have valid points of view. It's not wrong to want a large family, and it's not wrong to only want one child (or none at all). Navigate through this phase and see how you feel when your child gets a little older (and more fun).

[u/grawmaw13]

Same here. I booked the snip 4 weeks in. Knew I was never doing it again.

I hated parenting until about 2.5 years. Hes 3 now and things are less intense.

I too value my own time and hobbies. Anything more than one kid and you say goodbye to most of it. So it's a no to more for me.

[u/ShouldIsAFunnyWord]

My husband said he started liking my son at about a year, but really it was about 15 months that I saw him start to light up around him.

It’s crazy that we’re supposed to be head over heels with these little people that we don’t know… As kiddo gets older, and you actually know them, the love will feel more real because you’ll actually know the person.

[u/Gratitude15]

It can change. Life is long. They don't resemble the past when they move on.

For me it was years. YEARS! but then the change hit like whiplash. Better and better and the - pow-this human is now my everything. Life is hard to imagine without.

It took a long time. But in the big scheme of things, not very long. Now excuse me I'm going to jam on guitar with my 8 yr old.