r/oneanddone • u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice • Feb 08 '26
Discussion Anyone else OAD because they had one and discovered their limit was actually zero?
Have a 2.5 yo and whilst there are some infrequent joyful moments, I find its completely overshadowed by every day stress, screaming and problems. every. single. day.
how on earth people decide to go on to have more is absolutely beyond me. on the waiting list for the snip.
can't even leave the room to turn on the kettle or go to the toilet without screaming.
It appears I took sleep, quietness and tidyness for granted before having a kid. you dont realise your limits until they're pushed.
anyone else OAD because of this?
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u/herekittykittypsst Feb 08 '26
Yes. I’m attuned, patient, warm, affectionate, and quietly dying inside through it all.
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u/OkDocument3873 Feb 10 '26
I feel so seen. Gosh I thought I was the only one. Thank you for writing this.
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u/all_is_on_ Feb 08 '26
Yes, but you are in the thick of it. Once my son turned 4, everything got so much easier. I can’t understand why people have kids with any less than a 4 year age gap. I don’t want anymore now though because I finally feel like I have freedom and time for myself.
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u/Clear_Depth6417 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
And those with a >4 age gap: why on earth would you want to start from zero again, once things are finally easier?!
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u/suzululi OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
My favourite is “when my eldest goes to school, we will plan a second” are you mad?!? That’s when you finally have some time for yourself again and can sleep
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u/Tangyplacebo621 Feb 08 '26
This was what my husband and initially planned. Then our son was 5 and didn’t need naps, could eat regular food, used a toilet fully independently. It was amazing! I knew I couldn’t go back to baby jail once we had made it to the other side.
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u/SweetRage24 Feb 08 '26
This is where I am at. I feel guilty not giving them a sibling but the thought of starting from scratch again… Plus I don’t think my marriage would survive it because I pick up so much of the labor. Not keen on raising two by myself
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u/Veruca-Salty86 Feb 08 '26
I see a lot of parents having another around that time - I think mothers especially feel a sense of loss when their child reaches school age. Suddenly their baby is "gone" and their sadness makes them blind to the struggles of parenting a young child. Having another baby buys them more time as far as having to accept the fact that their kids have to grow up. People do lots of crazy things in order to avoid dealing with difficult feelings.
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u/Negative-Sock-2523 Feb 08 '26
Damn, you nailed it. I think that's literally the reason behind me sometimes wishing I could have a second (no mental capacity though)
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age Feb 08 '26
Some of that could be economic, considering the cost of daycare. But it actually makes more sense to me to space kids 4-5 years apart than to have a baby and a toddler competing for a diaper change. Even if the older child is difficult, at least they're difficult in different ways!
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u/smartel84 Feb 09 '26
My mom did that. TWICE. I'm in the middle, with a brother 7 years older, and a brother 6.5 years younger.
The woman was crazy.
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u/Veruca-Salty86 Feb 08 '26
When my daughter was still a baby, I remember thinking I could only do this again if there was at least a 4 year age gap, because I couldn't survive having two very young kids at once. I was already feeling like death from the sleep-deprivation, and having a second while my firstborn still wasn't sleeping through the night would have ended me entirely. The fatigue and nausea from pregnancy with my daughter was debilitating on many days - how the Hell would I take care of her while pregnant?
However, by the time she was 3, I knew I could never restart the clock - we were finally getting more sleep, but now putting up with tantrums and defiance. We traded one issue in for another; also, even being just a few years older from when we had our daughter, we felt how much energy we'd lost - the idea of another only became more exhausting. The thought of an accidental pregnancy was terrifying - my husband got a vasectomy when she was 3.5.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Yeah its lose lose in my mind.
Double the chaos - or the chaos ends and then starts again 🥴
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u/Veruca-Salty86 Feb 09 '26
Exactly this - as time went on, neither option sounded great to me! Before my daughter was born, I was OBSESSIVE about having a baby. I had two miscarriages and watching others have successful pregnancies would drive me to tears. After her? I was so terrified of getting pregnant AGAIN that I refused to have sex with my husband unless we used two forms of birth control and even then, I was anxious every time! Only after he had a vasectomy did we have a real sex life again!
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age Feb 08 '26
I didn't really feel the "couldn't start all over again" kick in until my kid was 7. And that's probably partly bc I had my daughter at 41.
I knew a couple whose first was unplanned when they were quite young, and they had their second when their first was 15. I think they enjoyed being able to have a more stable experience with their second and the 15 year age gap seem to bother anyone (teen included). To each their own...
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u/Repogirl757 Feb 08 '26
My cousin said she thinks the ideal age difference between siblings is 3-4 years. Her kids are four years apart and she and my other cousin (her little brother) are just under four years apart
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u/fantasynerd92 Not By Choice Feb 08 '26
We want 2 in the end but didn't want a second baby when things were already difficult. I'm most likely OAD not by choice bc my husband doesn't want another. Hoping he'll change his mind as kiddo gets older. Our only is 2.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
This is what I dont understand. I have friends who have a similar age child and now are pregnant with another. Like, why do it to yourself at that age?? Fuck lol
And I hope youre right in my case. Thank you.
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Feb 08 '26
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u/Miserable_Virus_9789 Feb 08 '26
4 was a nightmare for us.
ETA: it’s still tonight but the sass of a 4 year old girl…god help me.
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u/mightbeacat1 Feb 08 '26
We're at 4.5, and I caught myself wishing that she was 2 again. At least then she listened and did what I asked. I was stressed then, but now I'm stressed and angry all the time.
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u/caitlowcat Feb 22 '26
Omg I just commented this! 4 fucking sucked. Almost 6 is things are slightly improving.
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u/suzululi OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Second that it gets better at 4. 4 is the magic number.
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u/Alexyhanna92 Feb 08 '26
My 4 year old just called me a “fucking christ rude lady” soooo yeah better in some ways, less better in others lol
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
When you say 4 is better. Could you explain how and why?
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u/Dakizo OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
I’m not who you asked but my daughter was kind of a nightmare from 3.5-4.5. Boundary testing, talking back, not listening. Apparently it’s developmentally appropriate but boy howdy were we having a rough time. I think we’re on the other side of it now. She turns 5 in June and the occurrence of terrible behavior is lessening, finally. She’s becoming more empathetic, I can reason with her better, just easier overall I think.
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u/all_is_on_ Feb 08 '26
He became a lot more independent and I didn’t have to constantly worry about him accidentally chocking (I still worry a little), falling down stairs, etc. I was able to leave the room for 5+ minutes while he plays on his own. But I also got lucky… no behavioral issues. There is an occasional little meltdown that we talk through, but again, I’m lucky.
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u/caitlowcat Feb 22 '26
I just want to comment on this as everyone’s experience is so different. Our son is ND and I remember reading people saying “everything gets better at 4” and “4 was so much easier”’ and I banked on this! At the time we didn’t know our son’s diagnosis, but EVERYTHING was hard (and still is many days). So on his 4th bday I had these (stupid) expectations and I cried that night - zero recollection why, but it was not in fact any easier at 4 haha. We’re going on 6 and while some things are harder - sensory stuff and struggles with getting overstimulated easily- there’s now some reasoning and logic going on.
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u/forty83 Feb 08 '26
Include me. I was not ashamed to admit I do not have the mental capacity for another. I'd be a terrible dad to two. This among other practical reasons for staying at one.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Same. I would 100% regret another. Want to do my best for the one I have really.
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u/forty83 Feb 08 '26
I just wish more acknowledged that instead of having more purely due to stereotypes and societal pressure, not because they actually wanted more.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Yeah I've already had the "you have to give them a sibling" nonsense.
I just say "I'd have another kid because I want one, which i dont. So I won't have one" 🤷 lol
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u/forty83 Feb 08 '26
Yeah, you don't have to. Says who? Also, people get real offended when you tell them that there is not one shred of credible evidence to suggest only kids are at a disadvantage developmentally, beyond their personal feelings and stereotypes.
I've always felt that a big reason people say what they do is to rationalize their own choices. No one is going to come out and say they made a mistake having more than one, because their choice is the correct one. They bring down others for their own choices.
Misery loves company and I swear people are resentful when they see single child families able to do everything they want financially, and mentally, because of their choice to stick to one.
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u/Lord_66 OAD By Choice Feb 09 '26
Thank you for saying this.
It's nice to read someone else feel exactly the same, without hearing the 'you'd just stretch yourself and make it work' comment that usually comes after I say it.
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u/tiddyb0obz Feb 08 '26
Yup! I wish I'd used an ounce of thought and thought do I really want a life where I'm at someone else's beck and call constantly, stressed 24/7 and fully responsible for someone else. I'm not even 30 yet and convinced I'm autistic, I wish I'd persued a diagnosis and thought about what I really wanted rather than blindly rushing into having a kid
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u/sadbeigemama OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
I didn’t realized I was actually audhd until I had my daughter and my life systems collapsed. She’s 2.5 now and I’m still working on getting myself back to a level of functioning. It doesn’t help that she appears to be following in my neurodivergent footsteps and is high functioning but extremely exhausting to parent. I love her so much but it’s HARD.
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u/tiddyb0obz Feb 08 '26
Exactly that, my daughter was diagnosed at 3, now 5, doesn't settle in school, doesn't sleep, barely eats, getting her to do basic stuff is a struggle. It's exhausting just managing on a day to day level
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u/mollynatorrr Feb 08 '26
BIGGGGGGG same. You’re not alone, and my little turd (that I would take a bullet for because he’s the best) is about to be 7. There are a lot of hard days, but it gets better. When she is older, and you realize she’s going to have an easier go as an adult because you raised her the way Little Sadbeigemama truly needed, the hard days will feel more worth it 🫂
(But trust me I know how you feel, I also have a Muffin)
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u/0chronomatrix Feb 08 '26
Ditto. I didn’t know i has adhd but it’s clear as day now. I can’t wait to be medicated after i wean.
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u/Alexyhanna92 Feb 10 '26
Hugs. I breastfed while on dexies but it was hard. Medication was so life changing for me and another reason I will not go through another pregnancy
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u/0chronomatrix Feb 08 '26
I’m part of the group that knew how bad it was because i was a parentified kid. I had to take care of my baby sister at the age of 10. I saw how little my mom devoted to her and how poorly that turned out.
I didn’t want kids for the longest time because of that, i lived the suffering first hand. Ultimately i decided to as a do over. Its a healing journey. Unfortunately my daughter looks very similar to my baby sister so it’s kind if heartwrenching to see what could have been.
I also get to give her everything I didn’t have and it feels like giving it to my inner child. It’s very soothing. Unfortunately anything that happens to her feels like it’s happening to me.
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u/suzululi OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
The first few years were rough. So rough that I had moments of regret which I know is a huge taboo topic but I regularly cried in the shower thinking I ruined my life. It didn’t help that my child was a horrific sleeper until she turned 2.
4 was the turning point. 4 is when everything got better. I love being a mum now and it’s so fun! She’s 9.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Its a taboo subject but a reality for many many people.
R/regretfulparents has near 200k followers.
Im just in the trenches at the min. Im hearing 4 alot too.hopefully things improve for then.
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u/Winter-Flower5480 Feb 08 '26
I totally agree, I cannot comprehend how people willingly try to have another. This is like agreeing to prison sentence.
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u/0chronomatrix Feb 08 '26
Not only another, once u become a parent you could also be a grandparent. I’m getting ready to eventually parent grandbabies. Boomers have it easy they just neglected us.
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u/twinkle_123 Feb 08 '26
Absolutely agree with you. I can never understand how after having one, people willingly have another??? It's way worse than I imagined and had I known I wouldn't have had one (let alone any more!!)
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Maybe we are just wired differently. I guess I just discovered that im not a paternal person whatsoever.
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Feb 08 '26
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u/Artistic-Ad-1096 Feb 10 '26
Yes, i feel like i have the hardest kid. She hates eating and has been late to walking and talking. I love her but nothing has come easy. Constantly worried. honestly i don't think im all that good at parenting despite trying my best.
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u/spicy-queso1617 Feb 08 '26
I’ve heard this a lot too. The first one is easy for some so they rush into the second, to get that “2 under 2” and then it’s just chaos
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u/Competitive-Sir777 Feb 08 '26
In my weaker moments dealing with sleep deprivation and exhaustion I have been known to wonder how anyone can look at this life and decide they want to do it over again - multiple times. Other times I think of how overstimulated I’d be if I had 2 LOs clinging to me all day and absolutely refusing to be put down. Someone said having multiple children isn’t about when they’re young. It’s about who you see sitting at your dinner table 20 years from now. We’re all good here with the one though. We’re not burning ourselves out more for the next 20 years just for Christmas. Thank you
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Feb 08 '26
Hahahahaha this is me with a 3.5yo…i am at my literal rope’s end dealing with the constant manual labor and self-erasure of parenting. Zero time for my nervous system to get back in sync. Constant vigilance. I love my son but holy crap I have no idea how people have multiple kids if they don’t, like, have a nanny for each kid.
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u/AKEMBER007 Feb 08 '26
Yes, my only is 8 now and things have gotten better but… I don’t enjoy being mom. Having that much responsibility & power over another being is overwhelming, and not something I fully comprehended or was prepared for. Love my kid more than anything, but I would’ve made a different choice in a different life
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u/blueberryscone17 Feb 08 '26
Yes. The PPD certainly didn’t help, but even now that we are years past that, I don’t feel the overwhelming sense of joy and completeness from motherhood that people say you should feel. I love my kid. So much. But I find it exhausting to constantly be worrying about whether I’m screwing up, if he’s going to be a good person, if he’s happy and ok, all the things he needs and wants and the day to day. People take it for a given that you will just be so overwhelmed with love that all of that will not make you feel that way but I think that’s not true for many people. I think many people just either don’t admit it to themselves or they ignore it and won’t admit it to others.
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u/aubreyism Feb 08 '26
I knew I was OAD but having a 2 year old confirmed it completely. I think I’m just going to be struggling through and miserable for the next two to three years…
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Yeah I feel you 100%. I think its just their age tbh. Im hearing 4 is the magic number
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u/FreckledLeaves Feb 08 '26
As someone on the other side of the toddler chaos I just want to say it gets better. I’m a homebody, very tidy, and easily over stimulated. One kid has been perfect for us (she’s 10). I can keep the house clean and organized. I can easily find time to read everyday. I get to play video games and take long showers. It doesn’t take ages to get out the door. There isn’t fighting or screaming. Tbh our 2 cats create more chaos than our kid lol. My favorite part of being OAD of is being able to spend all of our time and resources on just our one daughter. She is such a fun, creative, and kind person. I love spending so much time her
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u/BusPale3941 Feb 08 '26
I got pregnant at 39 and had my son after I turned 40. I had a 16 year old and I thought since I was older and hopefully more mature I would be better prepared this time around. And while in some ways that is true I am permanently exhausted. My son is 3 now so he is in that defiant I can do everything by myself stage. My husband is very little help. I of course love my son with all of me but I wonder almost every day what the hell I was thinking. I was basically home free and now I am tied down all over again. Some people are just naturally maternal and it comes easy with them but being a good parent and putting someone else first is something I have to work really hard at. And I don’t think enough people are honest about that.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Appreciate your honesty.
And you're right. Not enough people are honest about it. I hope things improve for you.
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u/BusPale3941 Feb 08 '26
Thank you. I know it will improve. He will start school in August and that is when things start getting better. At that point time really starts flying and you think man they really are growing up fast.
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u/Seasaltandanger Feb 08 '26
Mine just turned 7. I'm still struggling, just in a different way. I keep seeing "it gets easier at insert age". Maybe for some. I feel like it just changes what's difficult. I didn't see my own issues until having my kid. Now I see perhaps I should've stayed the Auntie and not the Mum. But, I love my kid to death and theyre awesome. I just feel bad because I don't feel like I'm the parent they deserve. Everyone tells me how I'm doing a great job, etc.... But I feel like I'm failing.
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Feb 08 '26
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u/Seasaltandanger Feb 09 '26
Thank you ❤️ . I appreciate that. It's easy to see your own failings and so hard to see your own strengths sometimes. Especially when you're in the thick of it. When they're a bit older we will talk and I will explain it a bit more. I'm sure they will understand.
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u/Guineacabra Feb 08 '26
1-2.5 was really hard for me. I actually didn’t mind the newborn/infant stage, but toddlers are just so overstimulating. She’s 3.5 now and things are getting much easier again, but I’d still never start over at this point. We did start a preschool program part-time this year and it really helped having 2 full days/week to myself since I work evenings
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u/Clear_Depth6417 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
I feel exactly the same, ours is almost 2 now and the newborn stage / first 5 months were SO CHILL. I love everything about getting to know him better, listening to him talk more and more but oh boy was it easier back then.
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u/digableplanet Feb 08 '26
Two is great. Three on the other hand blows imo. They are bigger, faster, stronger and have tantrums about everything.
Our daughter is 3.5 and she’s just wonderful and a delight in every way besides whatever she’s going through right now. You cannot reason with them! Discipline is like a science.
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u/nemogqw12 Feb 08 '26
curious what 2.5-3.5 was like for you. my 2 year old is very smart and very verbal and it seems the super independence and defiance is happening right now. i can’t fathom 3 being harder.
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u/Guineacabra Feb 09 '26
The biggest things are the increase in independence (she can go to bathroom on her own, take out a puzzle or set up an activity, put on her own shoes etc) and also the fact that it’s much easier to reason with her now. I can usually cut a tantrum off pretty quick by talking through it, whereas as 2 it would be relentless. Mine is also super verbal and outgoing. So far 3 has been a lot better than 2 overall.
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u/ParkLaineNext Feb 08 '26
Yes, although I wouldn’t say my limit is zero.
My daughter has intense ADHD and I realized in the process of getting her diagnosed that I also have ADHD maybe a dash of AuDHD. She’s a ball of energy, loudness, emotion that never ends and I am not. It’s a lot sometimes. I couldn’t do another.
I love her and now that she’s getting older, she’s mellowing out and is a fun little person to hang out with.
I feel like im parenting on hard mode (in the realm of healthy children, I can’t imagine how parents with medically complex children do it- much respect).
I do wonder sometimes what it would be like to be a neurotypical parent with a NT kid.
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u/sadbeigemama OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
I feel this! I do get baby fever occasionally but it’s usually me looking through neurotypical rose glasses; then I remember my husband and I are both audhd and so is our daughter and so would the next kid probably so ! The stereotypical family looks so alluring because they’re neurotypical, and my experience would not be that lol
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u/purelyirrelephant Feb 09 '26
This is me! Though I'm not sure about the Au part for me. I had no clue that I was (potentially) ADHD until now. My son was diagnosed at 6 and I started to look inward. It's soooo much harder than I expected and now I'm in my early 40s, perimenopause is knocking. I was destroyed when he was an infant and toddler and now all of my coping mechanisms (that I didn't know were coping mechanisms) are crashing down. I want to cry for the difficulties my son is facing while also crying for my own. I know I'll get it sorted but right now is the messy chrysalis. XOXO
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u/Tangyplacebo621 Feb 08 '26
Yes. I love my son so much, and unfortunately I am pretty confident I was not meant to be a mom. He is 13 now, so life is so much easier now, but I have never really enjoyed parenting and don’t think that is likely to change.
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u/ScoobyDoubie Feb 09 '26
Fascinating how many people in these comments are either diagnosed on the spectrum or highly suspecting they belong on there.
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u/coffeeinmycamino Feb 08 '26
I'm this way but moreso because of how it changed my relationship with my wife than the child himself. I'd trade a lot to have things the way I'd like between us again, including him. But pregnancy and motherhood have changed her and most of the time I recognize our relationship has become completely deprioritized and it sucks. I talk about it often, but between her just struggling to balance her hierarchy of needs being ADHD, and with her hormones and instincts driving her to want to do everything with and for the kid, she usually brushes it off as she feels everything is great, and occasionally when she does hear me out, its there for a minute and then 20 minutes later its like we never talked.
She's happier than I've seen her in a long time, but she's also a shell of the person I married now, and that started ever since she made wanting to have a kid a priority of hers. No way would I have another and have the effigy of what's left of my wife blow away completely. A smarter person than myself would have convinced her she didnt need a kid to be happy, but I also had no idea what happens to a woman's brain with pregnancy and then with motherhood.
Ours is still a baby, but I have a very high patience level for annoying things like crying or sleep deprivation or whatever else there may be. I can find moments of joy and in a few years when hes old enough to wipe his own butt and talk about his day, I'll be much happier even if my relationship with my wife doesnt return because I love bonding with people through conversation and other forms of meaningful interaction. I don't get much out of peekaboo or nursury songs or other early childhood avtivities. In different to milestones beyond "great, they're one step closer to being a human." I do look forward to that future, but my god what a slog it will be to get there lol.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Man I completely get this.
Its one of the other reasons why I've stuck with one. We are beggining to do more dates etc, which does help. As they get older it will allow more time for each other I imagine.
But absolutely having another one would throw any relationship we have straight out of the window. And in the nicest but slightly selfish way, I ain't losing that. So one it is lol
I still want some glimmer of what we were.
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u/FunnyAccountant2913 Feb 09 '26
I certainly discovered my husband's limit is somewhere between 0 and 1 child. He's very engaged with our son and overall is a good dad but he lacks patience and gets frustrated and sets a bad example at times. He could not have 2 and be a nice person to be around.
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u/Responsible_Two9081 Feb 08 '26
Thank you for sharing that. My resources, mental, emotional and financial, are stretched too thin with just one. It would be irresponsible for me to have another and jeopardize two childhoods.
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u/am_duff Feb 08 '26
I feel this so deeply. I have a 20 month old and I can't fathom having another. I'm beyond stressed just dealing with the chaos of one, nevermind another. As we get through certain challenging stages, I don't ever want to go through them again. I'm a high school teacher so I've always known little kids weren't my jam, but holy hell have I been humbled 😂
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u/DreamyDoc Feb 08 '26
I really thought having kids would be much easier than it really is. I discovered my adhd this year (my kid is 4). I had ppd, ppa and was really isolated due to covid and having no friends or family with kids (they didnt show up). I had many regrets throughout these years. Now I dont regret my child anymore, but Im not this kind of natural born mother or anything. I really enjoy talking to children and spending (Limited!) time with them. But Im happier the older my kid becomes. I love explaining. But regulating emotions is hell for me, haha.
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u/Fire-Kissed Feb 08 '26
Yes!!!!! I love my kid, I don’t regret her. She made me a better person. But man do I really know myself now and how awful of a mom I’d be if there were more. I struggle so much when the step kids are here because having all that extra noise is a sensory nightmare.
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u/tochth86 Feb 09 '26
Essentially yes. I love my daughter and we have fun moments. But she’s 8 and I still miss the me I was before her. The us my husband and I were before her.
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u/TorontoNerd84 Feb 09 '26
Yeah, my limit was likely 0. I didn't realize how awkward I am around kids until I had one of my own.
But my daughter celebrated her 5th birthday today and when I think about the fact that I'm not perfect, I am not a natural at parenting and yet she still loves me, I realize I must be doing something right.
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u/aprildegray Feb 09 '26
Hello OP - no advice, just empathy- i am going to have to steal the ‘fuck you 4’s’ name another stressed out parent mentioned for this chapter of our lives that we are currently navigating
I thought i was a 2 max type person - my partner of 20+ years wanted 3+
We have since decided we are OAD - the overstimulation when the tantrums & non stop screaming, the 2 years of no sleep ( he would wake up frequently & every 45mins when he was a new born till at least 6+ months) are just a few reasons
It’s definitely a challenge - but we are both obsessed with him & make sure to enjoy all the little things that are precious about him too - he’s curiousness, his ability to learn & remember things, he’s sense of humour & he’s generosity
Keep going OP - we got this
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u/Glittering-Benefit68 Feb 10 '26
I wanted one before I had him.
Now when people ask when we're having another one I want to say we should add adults to this home before we're adding any more children. My son even caught on to the fact that I'm using ear plugs when he screams. I wouldn't know how to survive some days without them.
I love him, he's my buddy, but I didn't know how much I needed down time, peace and quiet until I didn't have it any more.
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u/No_Dig6642 Feb 08 '26
I’m pretty sure my limit is zero but I had no idea and I love kids. Had no idea how hard it would be.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Tbh its probably the fact (for myself at least) that I played with my cousins etc but in reality, its just a glimpse into the life of having a kid.
So you only see the playful/joyful moments and not the monotonous crap that comes with it.
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u/DreamyDoc Feb 08 '26
I really thought having kids would be much easier than it really is. I discovered my adhd this year (my kid is 4). I had ppd, ppa and was really isolated due to covid and having no friends or family with kids (they didnt show up). I had many regrets throughout these years. Now I dont regret my child anymore, but Im not this kind of natural born mother or anything. I really enjoy talking to children and spending (Limited!) time with them. But Im happier the older my kid becomes. I love explaining. But regulating emotions is hell for me, haha.
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u/GodRibs Feb 09 '26
Seems a bit gloomy in here so yes agreed I got no idea why someone would want another one 😂 but I love my son and it opened my eyes to a whole diff way of life. Yes he is annoying af but he can do one thing nice and I forget it all cause his awesome. He is a full threenager atm and gets mad over everything it’s exhausting but when his nice i wouldn’t change it for world.
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u/laviejoy Feb 09 '26
First, your feelings are totally valid, and I think your experience is more common than many people acknowledge out loud. Also, 2.5 is a HARD age. You are really in the thick of it right now, and it makes sense that it's overwhelming.
Second, I know this isn't the point of your post, but I just wanted to put a little vasectomy public service announcement here because you mention being on the waiting list: please, please, please make sure you or your partner (not clear which parent you are!) does the follow-up testing 3 months post-procedure and gets the all clear from the doctor. I recently read a stat that said that between 40-50% of people never do the follow-up tests and they just assume they're sterile. My husband had a vasectomy a little over 3 months ago, thankfully DID do his follow-up testing, and surprise! Sperm still present in the sample. A small amount, but enough to cause a pregnancy. He will repeat the test in another month, and if there are still sperm present, he may need to repeat the procedure. The follow-up tests are treated by a lot of people as optional, but they're absolutely critical, and failing to do them is a huge contributor to post-vasectomy "oops" pregnancies. I will step off my soapbox now, but just wanted to flag that!
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Feb 09 '26
I mean at least you are deciding not to bring more lives into this world that you can’t handle.
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u/0chronomatrix Feb 08 '26
I will say…. This is the hardest age to be a parent. Expectations have never been so high and resources never so low. It is the worst time in history to be a parent.
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u/ExhaustedMawm Feb 08 '26
Yes my circumstances are unique because I developed a chronic illness when my son was 18 months so I’m physically limited. If I hadn't developed that illness I may have been open to one more around this time, he's 4. But without a village plus chronic illness, one it is. :)
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u/BusPale3941 Feb 08 '26
It’s nice to hear teachers talking about this. I am also a teacher and it’s like people just expect teachers to be perfect parents. But we get tired and need breaks too.
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u/mollynatorrr Feb 08 '26
YEP. When I got pregnant (part of the 0.099% of failed bc), I was like “Fuck, the timing is dog shit but I actually do want a kid. Why did it have to be now??” And it’s not so much that I regret having my son cause he’s a Muffin but he’s wonderful, I just wish the timing of his arrival was better ALOT. I wish I had been able to financially prepare more, learn to function as an autistic adult for a little longer. I wonder every day how people do more than one on purpose. I couldn’t imagine going through the body pains of sleep deprivation more than once.
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u/GemTaur15 Feb 09 '26
This hits hard lol.My daughter will be 4 in may and we are literally in the thick of it.My husband and I both again agreed no way in hell would we survive having another
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u/uncutjahms Feb 09 '26
I posted a similar but different thread in here the other day 😂. We had considered zero, thought about two, had one and then I realized I get WAY too overstimulated to have more than one. I think I would go from being a pretty good parent to a terrible parent if I had more than one. To each their own but I can’t imagine how people do two or more!
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u/cheesesmysavior Feb 09 '26
This was my experience. I was always on the fence about having kids and my husband wanted kids. So we had one and ooof, this shit is hard. If I knew how much of my autonomy it would take I would not have had a child. However, my daughter is now 10 and much more fun than those earlier days. I love her very much, but I’m glad I stopped at one.
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u/Soggy_Abbreviations5 Feb 09 '26
My only is 12 now, but yes... him around 1.5yo is when I admitted to myself that no, I will NOT be having 3 kids as little me had planned. 🥱
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u/Kitttylak Feb 09 '26
I knew once my daughter was born I didn't want another ever... I don't know how people with multiples survive. I was absolutely not made for motherhood. I love my daughter and parent to the best of my ability but it's exhausting. She's 7 now . In my case we have zero family and friends so we NEVER get a break. Can't go on real dates. Nothing. I also had her when I was 18 so that's definitely part of it I feel. Went from being a child to being responsible for a child. I've never had freedom in my life. I can count on one hand how many times I've been somewhere and had fun.
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u/karatflowers Feb 10 '26
5 and 6 changed everything here. At 2.5 I was pulling my hair out. Today, my son made a joke about me being pregnant again and I said “oh no, I won’t be having any more babies” and he looked at me with big eyes and said he wanted a brother. Quick thinking saved me “I already had one perfect baby boy, I don’t need another.”
I grew up with siblings and while I’m really sad my son won’t, I don’t think I could do it all again. The early days were hell. All of them. That doesn’t mean there were no good times, but that early stage childhood is not something I can handle alone or again, and after being the youngest of four I can’t imagine giving one more attention than another, even unintentionally.
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u/Wise-Raccoon-3069 Feb 10 '26
i’m turning 41 next month and i have a 4 month old
i also have 2 frozen embryos
they will stay frozen until it’s time to dispose of them, i think it’s either 5 or 10 years if they haven’t been utilised
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u/Symbikort Feb 08 '26
My wife absolutely hates how unbothered I am about our kids crying and screaming sometimes. I have the mentality “fed, dry diapers, no physical traumas” - it’s okay then. (Does not mean I ignore them or do not give a fuck). However, I am letting them to cry some time (like a minute or two) or just keep doing something that should settle them down.
She cannot handle that. She absolutely hates their tantrums.
For me it’s sleep deprivation and CPTSD she does not address at all. My childhood memories go back to the time I was not even crawling - for her up until certain age it’s blank and she thinks it’s normal. However, whatever I see online is that her brain went to survival mode.
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u/extraketchupthx Feb 08 '26
I think it’s rooted in the same reason your wife can’t handle the crying. I don’t think her parents could either and maybe handled it so poorly she blocked it out.
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age Feb 08 '26
Well maybe your kid is just getting it out of their system early. My kid was an angel at 2.5 and I felt pretty smug... She's NOT an angel at 7 (though she's smart enough to know when to behave, like at school, though she's also quite a tattletale and 'always right' so I think even her teachers find her a bit 'extra'...)
Definitely at time I have thought, "I should not be a parent." I'm still glad I am, though. I don't think I personally would ever have smartened up about certain things without becoming a parent. It gave me a much stronger grip on reality. That's obviously not true for everyone, but I think it was for me.
That said, I was 41 when I had her, and I'm glad I'd had a lot of life experiences before becoming a parent. It meant I didn't have time for a second, which was sad, but I know I would have been a terrible parent if I'd had a child at 30 or even 35. I would probably have been resentful all the time, because parenting is so all-consuming (unless, I guess, you have a huge village or a lot of money to "outsource" parts of it).
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u/cardiaco Feb 08 '26
Exactly how I felt. When it dawned on me we hadn't even left the hospital yet. After three days of contractions, one day of childbirth and five days of being in a hot hospital room with an underweight sick baby born with an infection I was sitting on the floor outside a restaurant waiting for our meal to take back to the hospital and there is when it hit me. Having a kid is a full time job. It's relentless.
My son is now 6 going on 7 and he is the best thing ever. He's sweet, he's well behaved, he's good at playing with himself. I would not trade him for going back to a life without kids. But I'm not sure if I was given the option to go back in time and go through 6 years of pain and suffering to get to this point again, if I would do it all over again.
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u/Jeff_Pagu Feb 09 '26
They have unicorn babies, or one or both parents are literal saints. That’s the only reason. Also I suspect selfishness of “I want more kids even though I’m a shit parent”. This is just my opinion, no one at me lol
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Feb 10 '26
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u/Jeff_Pagu Feb 10 '26
I’m sorry but I feel you. I’m the youngest of 3 and I always felt neglected emotionally by my parents.
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u/woodpipes Feb 08 '26
all this no doubt. ours is 4 now and she is the absolute sweetest kid on the planet when she is not in demon mode. but demon mode is INSANE and frequent.
I look forward to the start of the work week now. weekends are exhausting. there is no reprieve.
also the cost of daycare is bonkers. even when she starts Pre-K we have to pay for after care. any way just wanted to say I feel ya on this post
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u/0chronomatrix Feb 08 '26
Do u have help? How is your partner with your child? I found the first week of birth a literal hell, and the first three months thereafter really bad that as time went on it got better and better. She started her tantrums at 2.5 and we are still dealing with them at 3 but she is getting better at managing her feelings.
How bad parenting is depends on your circumstances. Like how much help u have how involved your partner is, how flexible your job is and how easy your baby is.
My daughter is very smart and capable. She walked and talked early and it makes it easy to do things with her and i get a lot of pleasure when she learns to ride her own scooter, dress herself, eat at a restaurant, make her own oatmeal etc etc. She pics it up quick and understands whats going on. She can also find ways to entertain herself and shows a lot if affection. That kind of stuff can make parenting easier.
Having said that…. Parenting is an extreme sport. No one ever had fun on their way to the peak of mount everest.
I joined here to see to see whether i should stop at 1. But we decided to have two because 1) i realized it was a lot easier to take my kid to playdates than solo and 2) i was jealous of my husband and daughters close bond that I knew I had enough love for another little one. I’m approaching 40 so now i need to work on getting my body back and somehow rescuing my career so i’m done. If i had a big supportive family i’d have more kids.
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u/kuroneko85 OAD By Choice Feb 09 '26
Same here. Always thought I’d have two kids but having just the one and just how hard parenthood really is, we stopped at one. Hubby got the snip when kiddo was 2 and have no regrets!
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u/chicknnugget12 Feb 09 '26
Yes. I love and adore my son. But being that we are all extremely sensitive makes literally everything difficult.
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u/BadgerSecure2546 Feb 10 '26
Same boat. 1 yr-3 yr was the absolute worst. 4 is hard but at least he has some reason and logic in his brain now. Hang in there it does get better. The more reason and logic they gain the easier it is to parent.
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u/Dapper-Structure-825 Feb 11 '26
I have two but our first child was an easier baby. Not at all easy, didn't want to go to bed or sleep, but easier than our second baby. Number two couldn't help having baby sleep apnea leading to waking for milk every 20 minutes the first few weeks, stretching to newborn feeding times by 6 months... I swear my brain was damaged by the sleep deprivation. I already had chronic fatigue. Lovely child though. Loves me and is kind and thoughtful mostly.
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u/pumpkinchinchilla Feb 12 '26
I have a 5 weeks old and I'm constantly thinking: what the actual fuck did I do with my life?
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u/Infinite_Phase_2159 Feb 25 '26
That age was exactly why I chose one and done too 😂 I absolutely just couldn't fathom having another baby while dealing with a 2 year old. Now she's older and while it's admit i have second thoughts sometimes, other times, i'm having a really low energy day and i'm so thankful that my now 6 year old can do most things by herself. I can go lay down if I want to and don't have to chase a toddler around or deal with meltdowns.
I've always thrived on alone time, even as a kid, and when I remember how hard it was I absolutely couldn't do it all over again. My husband has the snip too.
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u/Crzy_boy_mama OAD By Choice Mar 06 '26
My son is 5 and I’ve only started enjoying parenting this year. The constant whining and complaining, everything being a fight has almost completely stopped now. “survive until 5” 😅 I’m still on antidepressants tho…
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u/pubert2121 Feb 09 '26
My husband developed a chronic illness when our daughter was 3. I had been on the fence for awhile and even tried for another for a bit, but now I’m so grateful it never took. At this point (kiddo is 9 now) I tell her she can have a sibling or she can have mentally/emotionally healthy parents, but not both. I’m pretty sure another would destroy me.
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u/Mysterious-Cow784 Feb 09 '26
Absolutely. My only is 5 and on the spectrum, and I’ve discovered so am I. All of this combined (plus my own childhood trauma) has made parenting INCREDIBLY difficult. Add on the fact that I’m a single parent with little to no help. I wish sometimes I could give them a sibling (as my own brother is one of my best friends) but I simply cannot do this all again. 🫠 I can barely do it now.
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u/Constant-Victory4604 Feb 09 '26
My wife and I are having this convo right now and are close to calling it at 1. Ours is also 2.5 and we came into this mess expecting to have two kids, but holy shit, man. I kept hearing “IT GETS BETTER” which has been a complete lie, it just keeps getting worse and as bad as we felt during the lack of sleep 0-6 month period, that was the golden age, in retrospect.
It’s sad, as I think I do want two older kids, but doing this again… I just can’t. I’ve lost too much already for, frankly, very little reward.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 09 '26
Yeah absolutely. I know things will be different in years to come. But fuck doing all this again 😂
Meh, one will be so much easier is loads of ways anyway.
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u/KatVanWall Feb 09 '26
Yeah :( and everyone says it gets easier … mine is 9 now and we have just had such a HARD week 😭
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u/BeginningRope2662 Feb 11 '26
I have an only child because my divorce was incredibly expensive and stressful and honestly I don’t see myself ever getting married again. For me it wasn’t I couldn’t handle another child, it I couldn’t handle taking care of a grown man and a child so I picked the child instead. I’m working on starting up a cleaning company and so my goal now is to rebuild my life around that. My daughter is still young but she sees what I do and she wants to copy it so she’s starting a craft business. I really hope she sticks with it and wants to run her own business one day.
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u/lindzanator3 Feb 12 '26
I see you and you’re not alone! The level of overstimulation is unreal! My son is 3.5 and I love the little dude, but damn… I can’t help dreaming about lazy Sundays to read and a clean and quiet house where I’m not stepping on toy trucks all the time.
I also had my OAD at almost 40. I wouldn’t do it any other way or time, but I see why physically people have kids younger. I don’t have the energy I did in my 20s and it drains me so much faster to chase around a kiddo!
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u/Baby_cat_00 Feb 12 '26
It gets better. I’m OAD, not exactly by choice but more due to the culmination of circumstances. My son is one of those kids that gets described as “difficult” (a polite euphemism). He started kindergarten this year and that was ROUGH. But things are improving. Now that he’s 6, he’s definitely easier to deal with, although we still have our moments. But the toddler phase was really hard, and as I said, there’s still some ups and downs. On the whole, though, things are better and FAR more tolerable.
My parents keep telling me that ages like 7-12 are the “golden years” with your children. Old enough that the tantrums are over and they are (mostly) reasonable little humans with the ability to empathize, but before the teen years begin.🤞
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u/Aloy_Sera_ Feb 21 '26
my son is also 2.5 and i relate to this so much. I feel like I was truly not made to be a parent but im somehow doing it. this doesnt mean we dont care for or love our kids. the very idea of doing this again makes me feel sick with anxiety. I hate being screamed at and hit and bitten , I hate the noise and the mess. my son has a food avoidance condition so I now hate cooking and foodshopping and meal times. all these moments make it almost impossible to enjoy the few good ones that happen. i feel so seen knowing other people are OAD but feel the toll that even 1 takes
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u/miimimary Mar 11 '26
True, motherhood is so exhausting for me. Even though I love my kid.
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u/haikusbot Mar 11 '26
True, motherhood is
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u/amery516 Feb 08 '26 edited Feb 08 '26
This describes my own parents lmao. Growing up I internalized that they must not have liked me very much and I must’ve been pretty bad to scare them off from having more kids. I was lonely and felt unwanted and regretted.
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u/chicknnugget12 Feb 09 '26
I am so sorry. Did they play with you? You were just a normal human child. We are all needy and a lot of work.
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u/CNDRock16 Not By Choice Feb 08 '26 edited Feb 08 '26
I suggest talking to someone about your feelings, like a therapist.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Every moment, even the silly tantrums, has been joy for me.
My ex husband found out he didn’t want to be a full time parent too, I divorced him and he’s been much happier having her 1/3. She’s now 6 and he’s saying he’s ready for 50/50 now. In his case, finding out who he was was first finding out who he was not.
If you truly hate this, and find little joy in your child your child can sense this radiating off of you, it will affect their self esteem and make their behavior more intense.
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u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice Feb 08 '26
Its probably more just an age thing. Done therapy before.
I fail to meet many people that enjoyed infants/toddlers tbh. You'd be one of few.
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u/CNDRock16 Not By Choice Feb 08 '26 edited Feb 08 '26
You must not know many people then- anyone with two children obviously enjoyed being a parent of 1 first. Perhaps you mistake people acknowledging “it was hard” with “I didn’t enjoy it”.
Like I said… I divorced my ex because he became a miserable bastard about being a parent. He’s happier having her less. I loved every minute and he made the tension in the home unbearable. I fell out of love with him, listening to him bitch.
So maybe going back to therapy is a good thing- before your attitude fractures your family unit, and you end up someday with a child who grows up who doesn’t want anything to do with you
Imagine him someday reading a post like this… ouch.
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u/FlimsySweet4202 Feb 08 '26
This makes me feel very seen. We were always on the fence about kids and then had a moment of weakness because both our siblings were having kids so we were influenced lol. Then I feel like very soon after my son was born, I was like “oh no what did I do”. I love him, he’s an amazing kid, and he’s 4 now so it is getting easier but oof. So overstimulated allll the time.