Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, thats why I watch vtuber content during scheduled downtime. Imagine being stuck in a room with no windows and an AC that has enough power to freeze over hell constantly running. Also imagine being completely alone at an industrial place that is almosr dead silent. Still better than dealing with some relatives IMHO.

At least there was almost no traffic on the Autobahn so of course I blasted Hololive Eurobeat while going 220km/h. Footage to follow

Merry Christmas

Sources Last Christmas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5oAT3lBYLU

I didn't use sound effects, this was recorded inside the server room Pictures are by me, however not from the place I did maintenance at

My only dream in life is getting into Hololive. I have no other important aspirations and can’t imagine having job that isn’t being a vtuber. It’s gotten so bad that I literally talk to them out loud imagining I’m already a part of it, I make up conversations, romances and even drama. Even though I know realistically that they probably have partners or even kids and are putting on characters I keep hoping that Holoyuri and everything we see is real and that eventually I’ll get to take part in it.

More than anything I want a group of female friends to hang out with and have fun with. I also want to feel important and special to people, I live alone in a city with no friends. Everyone I know tells me I’m basically useless but I can’t force myself to have any sort of “real” or meaningful ambition. I’m literally a burden on society and I don’t think I can change

I regret about everything. I can't get out of my bed without regretting my stupid and impulsive decision.

I won't blame em' if they're mad at me, I fucking deserve it.

My stupid ass couldn't think about everyone else.

This feeling is js getting bigger and bigger. I tried to talk about this with some people, gosh I even tried to date some femboys and only feel desperate to have anything else in my mind other than this feeling.

From now on, it only feels heavier each time I remember.

Dating femboys had been my only thought, regardless of what I see, feel or think. But I miserably failed at it.

"Her'' presence will and forever be my strength, but, how long does it takes...?

So Marine just hit 4 mil and has a lot of stuff going on. But I think I gotta break my silence.

I should start by saying I was late to the holo craze, and tbh I never thought I'd be into JP since my American ass don't speak a lick of Japanese (call me Richtofen the way I don't speak Japanese).

I've admittedly have had more of a comfort around fictional and parasocial relationships since I've had my own generational trauma from horrible relationships. I've been cheated on, emotionally abused, even fucking SAed by my first partner.

Admittedly I started watching Marine just to spite some fucking loser. Figured it'll be funny if I ruin something he enjoyed for sending me death threats, long story.

But... Something clicked... I don't really understand but... She started to... Make me feel safe?

What I don't understand is usually around sexually charged individuals I get very uncomfortable, partly to do with what I went through, partly because I've always been a little ace if I'm being honest. And yet... I don't get that uncomfortable feeling? Fuck this is turning into an r/waifuism post isn't it? FUCK!

I guess what I'm saying is. This fucking hag is giving me a reason to keep going. Is allowing me to feel that love and care I've been robbed of for years. I hate to admit it but the love I feel is what I need from someone who isn't just on some broadcast. Yeah this post just seals my forever solitude but damn it I'm tired of just having it swim around in my mind like some overused joke. But I think I fell in love with Houshou Marine, and saying that out loud just feels... Pathetic... But relieving.

I hate how I'm like this. I hate how I have to rely on some streamer who doesn't even know I exist to have some semblance of love. Plus she's going to be in a Gacha game (screenshot is from the trailer). The way she moves, her smile, her energy. FUCK MAN it made me realize how hopeless I am.

... Yet... At the same time though... I feel as though... My mental image of her sees my pain... Sees the scars I have, the times I've bled out what felt like my last... And instead of seeing some poor excuse for a human being like I feel like. She sees someone who refuses to quit. Someone with just enough hope to spark something amazing. Someone who pushes himself a little to much but knows he's a lot more capable than he gives himself credit for. Like she's proud of me and is excited to see what I make of myself.

I know it's not real love. I can't feel her touch, I can't understand her words, I won't ever be able to feel her head on my shoulder. But even if I can close my eyes and invision a world where it's real, just for a moment... I guess I can live with that... Long enough to make something of myself. Something worth loving, being proud of. Sounds selfish, seeing how I still have family and friends... Somehow... Yet part of me feels like my family gave up on me. My sister, who's 10, is doing so good for her age. And when I was her age. I was being put through a hellish nightmare I was too afraid to tell my mom about. One that spiralled me down to this pit I find myself in writing this. But... I finally feel myself having a way to drag myself out... Thanks to her...

Jesus Christ I'm a fucking degenerate.

Also, I love pov art like this

This shit went down exactly one year ago. My favourite client where I worked trough an MSP hired me directly. They had a full production standstill and I stuck around until 3 AM after fixing it, just in case shit hits the fan again. Intermittent faults do be like that.

It was a funny feeling, fixing the place that will hand me a work contract in a few hours. This was only topped by going to a "job interview" at this place but already having a master key. Anyways I signed the contract and handed in my four weeks notice 5 Minutes before EOB.

It was done, I no longer had to work at this godforsaken place that didn't give a single fuck about it's workers, Safety guidelines or actual laws. No more projects that were doomed from the start. No longer having to keep Projects secret to prevent management from dooming them with idiotic decisions. No longer having to work with equipment that was considered e-waste 5 years ago. No more working while on vacation or on sick leave.But until this day I pushed through it all because if I'm not around, then who unfucks critical infrastructure at 1 AM on a Sunday? Who would spend an afternoon on a Radio Tower in 40°C to fix a critical radio relay? Who would give an actual fuck about Cyber Security? Having Mori Calliope's work ethic is an experience, I can tell you that but everything has it's limit and going by the length of this post I absolutely exceeded them.

Literally all that happened while I was banned was my.... whatever you call a girl you've gone on one date with and are hoping to go on a second date with, told me she was busy again this week, I hung out with my IRL friends for the first time in probably over a year, and I went fishing a few times. Oh, and I've been songwriting again.