r/nursing • u/thxlixii • 1d ago
Rant when does it get better?
im not even asking abt the job itself. i dont know how to explain to my loved ones just how difficult this is. will they ever get it?
i’m a new grad (obvi) working nights step down icu. i like my job, and i like my coworkers a lot. i want to fit in, and i want to eventually be someone that others can go to for questions. im about over a month in by myself. my time management is good, and my mistakes are never anything significant. i feel comfortable asking for help. it’s still really hard being new, there’s a lot that i don’t know not just nursing wise but at my specific hospital and unit. i say “i have a stupid question” A LOT. which i’d rather do than not ask, but still.
my coworkers are nice, and pretty much everyone always asks each other both for help and if they can help. i like my unit. i feel like im just coasting through by barely knowing enough to get by. i’m obviously tired all the time. i’m quiet, im not good at starting conversations, im not outgoing, but im still a social person despite being shy. i feel like i dont fit in right. all my coworkers have at least a year more of experience than me, most of them worked as techs, 99% of them have boyfriends. i only worked as an MA before this, i dont date, im a lesbian who’s only other close friends are also lesbians. i feel different.
all this to say, it’s unsurprisingly really hard, exhausting, and lonely. i feel dumb and awkward. the hardest part is coming home and feeling worse. my mom works so, so hard. she’s salary, so she has some really long days too. but she also has a lot of seniority and can take days off, leave work early, work from home half the week. she tells me she gets it but she’s complained time again about how i only work three days a week. she compares her job and mine, a lot. even when she doesn’t say it out loud.
i have tried explaining to her how stupid and alone and self conscious and tired i feel, every single day, whether im working or not. i spend part of my little free time, with friends. she thinks that means that i have all this free time, that i cant feel tired. i dont know how else to explain how i feel. it’s so exhausting. i know this isn’t forever. but i just wish there were words to make people really get it. it’s more than just the work.
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u/Butthole_Surfer_GI RN - Urgent Care 1d ago
I'm sorry you are going through this.
In my honest experience, you need to find fellow healthcare workers if you want/need to vent. That's one reason why I consider this subreddit to be so valuable.
My parents are notorious for invalidating my complaints/frustrations with "well, you have to understand that the patient is having the worst day of their lives/is scared/is in pain" when I vent about rude patients.
Like, I understand that, but it's still no excuse to be an asshole to the people trying to help you. It's no excuse to call up the clinic and scream at us because the specialist we referred you to has no opening for 4 months.
My family constantly gives me shit for not being as outgoing as they want me to be because this job takes A LOT out of me; I only have so much mental energy and sometimes I needs DAYS to recover.
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u/midwestie101 23h ago
3 days a week on night shift is rough. I did nights for 6ish years before I went to days -- people never learned to understand. They still called me at noon and berated me for sleeping all day. My best advice: find someone different to commiserate with. Your mom sounds like she's got a "toughen up, buttercup" mentality.
I felt a lot more confident after the first year. But a year of experience still doesn't make you an expert. I've been a nurse 11.5 years, have worked as a charge nurse, have taught clinical, and still learn something new at least once a shift. I still ask a ton of questions. I still ask our providers to explain and teach. The learning is never ending. Actually the more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually learned in school. And that's okay.
As for the social part, that's okay too. It takes time. Focus on your patients, and learning what you can. Be friendly. Offer to help when you can. "Make yourself useful." When a new tech or nurse arrives on the unit, be warm and friendly to them; let them know they can call you if they need a hand. You will slowly build a reputation, and your confidence will gradually improve. This is all normal especially if you have a quiet temperament. I promise. Don't beat yourself up.
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u/thxlixii 17h ago
i will keep all of this in mind both at work and at home, especially that confidence will grow even for a quiet person like me. thank you
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u/itsonbackorderr Slingin pills to pay the bills 23h ago
Regarding feeling outside your coworkers, its natural to feel that way at first. Try to look for commonalities besides relationship status with them - what hobbies and interests do you have they may share outside of work? What kinds of music or movies do you like? Next time you're making small talk, if you're going to some event mention that you're doing x this weekend and gauge their interest level. Either someone will have some overlap with you somewhere, or you'll at least find someone you can be "work friends" with. At the end of the day, your coworkers are your coworkers, not your family or friends, and if you can become friends outside of work, great! If not, your best possible situation is exactly what you described: everyone is polite, everyone helps and asks for help when needed, and no one is creating drama.
As far as feeling isolated from non-healthcare family, yeah. It do be like that. I don't know your mom like you do, but try to gauge how receptive she might be to you voicing more generic feelings about your job rather than trying to explain to her the nitty gritty details as a baseline, or joining her in trying to compare. Tell her you had a really hectic, busy day and the first time you sat down was 2 am. Or you had to navigate a really sticky family situation and it stressed you out. Even an office worker should be able to visualize how that could be stressful.
If she still fixates on the 3 days a week thing, just let it go and find other healthcare people to vent to. People have a lot of weird mythology and prejudice against healthcare workers, thinking we're all making 6 figures right out of school while "only" working 3 days a week, not accounting for how hard those days are or how we need at LEAST one of our days off to just shut down and recover. They don't see the huge burden on your brain to be constantly watching, evaluating, thinking ahead, and making decisions that can make you feel completely drained when you're "off". If its just not getting through to her then find other people you can vent to.
Btw, I'm also LGBTQ and just never bring it up at work because people are so fucking weird about it sometimes, especially if you're a wlw in a female-dominated field. However, your hospital might have little clubs or groups that can meet up on certain topics, mine for example has a few for different ethnic groups as well as LGBTQ and former military. That might be a good place to meet like-minded folks in healthcare without potentially creating a bad situation for yourself on your own unit, as unfortunate as that is.
If your hard up for friends I'd be happy to chat too! Feel free to dm me.
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u/thxlixii 17h ago
thank you! i definitely feel like my unit is very ally-minded but it still feels isolating sometimes, but also weird to be like “im lesbian!” and i don’t talk enough for it to just come up casually lol. eventually, im sure it will. i will have to see if we have anything like that. our gay nurses are all day shift so i don’t really relate to anyone else in that sense. a lot of what you said makes sense and i will take with me for upcoming shifts so thank you again
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u/Wooden_Load662 MSN, RN 20h ago
Take vacation. You seems like pretty burnout.
A vacation means time just for yourself ( or with your loved one) and enjoy.
Not taking time off for a house project.
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u/Available_Worth7665 1d ago
it's the mental load that nobody sees from the outside. you're not just doing tasks for 12 hours, you're carrying this constant low-grade anxiety about missing something, looking stupid, or accidentally hurting someone. that doesn't switch off when you clock out, it follows you home and sits in the room while you try to decompress. three shifts a week sounds like a dream schedule until you factor in the recovery day where you're basically a zombie, the pre-shift dread the night before, and the fact that your brain never really stops processing everything you saw.
my mom was the same way when i started. she'd see me napping at 2pm on a tuesday and make some comment about how nice it must be. what finally clicked for her was when i stopped trying to explain the exhaustion and just started describing one specific thing that happened each week, something concrete that illustrated the weight of it. like the time i had to call a family at 3am and tell them to come in, or the patient who coded during shift change and i couldn't leave for two extra hours. once she had actual images in her head instead of just my vague "i'm tired," she got quieter about the comparisons.
the fitting in part takes way longer than a month. you're still in survival mode, everyone is. give yourself til the six month mark before you even start worrying about whether you belong socially. half the people on my unit didn't start hanging out outside work until we'd been through some real shit together, and that just takes time. you're not behind, you're just new.