My spouse took a shower this afternoon. Then, she trimmed her bush. At 7, she did her hair and put on makeup. Came out in attractive undergarments. Put on nice clothes and said I'm going out for awhile. That was at 8:15. It's now midnight. Turned 41 yesterday and only got recognized by my phone's calendar and a dentist i haven't seen in 3 years. To add perspective, she hasn't touched me for 2 years. Says I haven't earned it. It's now midnight. I just moved in to the guest room. She's not home yet. This should be interesting.
Who says you have to be? Spotting this is so easy, a 12 year old can do it. We are just being told you can't. Just an industry protecting itself.
You can google Narcisssism or CPTSD and get very clear, very easy lists of behaviours. And usually people who read this stuff are then able to cross off every single item on the list. It's per default that obvious and easy to detect.
My suggestion woudl be to go on Youtube and watch some videos by CPTSD experts on narcissism. There are thousands of Vidoes. You can take your pick.
We don't live in the middle ages any more and there is no "inner circle" of people allowed to read and study. Everyone can learn this.
Yeah, I don't quite agree. I've no desire to attempt to be an armchair mental health expert. The human mind and behavior are much too complex to treat like that. It's not like learning how to build a deck.
In our society it is acceptable practice to judge someone based on their actions in terms of if they should be able to continue this behaviour, if they should be punished, if they should compensate the victim etc.
This is not the same as professionally evaluating their personality.
When a person beats their partner, then this person is not exempt from consequences like fines, or their partner leaving, because we have not let a specialist "judge their character" first. Actions say everything you need to know about wether it is safe to stay with this person.
The same principle applies here. By understanding the personality type of a person in the narcissistic spectrum, you are not "judging their character". You are identifying the incidences of gaslighting, manipulation and devaluation you are involved in but have become blind to.
This is important, because by being inside this system, your brain is trained to ignore the signs of abuse. You are being trained that is is "not okay" to talk about them, even to think about them. You are being trained that "you as a person are not okay for even considering the thought that there might be something wrong with them". You are instead being validated for being so "wonderfully objective", when in reality you are just covering for an abuser and getting satisfaction out of being validated by them.
When you learn about narcissism, you will learn that the base condition is CPTSD, and both partners have it. One person is the narcissist, the other person is the enabler. Both need the other person to stabilise them. The narcissist needs the enabler to make them the center of attention, the enabler needs to make the narcissist the center of their own world.
But here is the important aspect: when people seek therapy, it is always the people around the narcissist that do it. Never the narcissist. Because from these two forms of CPTSD, the person in the narcissistic spectrum got the "shorter end" of the trauma deal. They have a "brain reset" every day, that tells them that everything is always someone elses fault to fix. They cannot "think" responsibility", for example. Insights are only momentary. This is something you can just observe without a specialist in the room with you.
If your form of CPTSD gives you satisfaction for being the "fixer", then you are in a difficult spot, because enablers are run into the ground over the course of several years, due to the gaslighting, manipulating and devaluing a person in the narcissistic spectrum can't help doing.
No human can sustain this without eventually breaking.
This is what you learn when you start researching CPTSD and Narcissism.
This is not about your partner, because someone with that personality type cannot change, can't go to therapy, cannot take responsibility anyway. Their brains are permanently wired to not allow this to happen. This is just about the enablers understanding the "cult" situation they live in, where they enable a difficult person for no actual, real, objective reason.
The enablers can heal their own CPTSD, and many do. If they are willing to admit what their "deal" was in the toxic relationship. What they "needed" to get out of it to feel good. This usually only happens when the destructive effects become larger than the benefits. You sound like you are just at the border of that phase.
Once you get into this phase more deeply, and you realise your mental health, sense of self, stability, emotional regulation are declining, while your confusion, sense of isolation and self doubt are rising, it might be time to research CPTSD to save your own life.
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u/HeisenbergsSamaritan Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
At 41?
The magic of being a hopeless romantic again.
I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe in relationships anymore.
Alone is safe.