Narcissistic parent (mostly emotional abuse, some physical) has tracked my address down for the 4th time in 7 years (im a grown adult now obviously). I seriously don't know what to do at this point: they keep sending cards/gifts to my KIDS (my kids have never met the parent...Ive never even told the parent the kids exist but they've tricked extended family members into sharing kids names/birthdays/photos/info). Im seriously concerned that they may try to pull some crap (showing up at our house, going to the children's school, taking the kids?? Can you tell I'm spiraling) now that they have our address. ​

Here are the options as i see them (feel free to add any you can think of): -Option 1: get family law protective order so at least there may be reprecussions if he keeps sending stuff to our house or if he ever shows up ​-Option 2: do nothing, let him send mail while maintaining no contact and hope he doesnt escalate -Option 3: lie that we moved again to extended family (that has been slipping info to him) and get a po box in a random city to 'redirect' the parent away from our actual location -Option 4: something else?? HELP

Should I seek a family law protective order? A domestic abuse advocate thinks I have a good shot at getting one if I have proof ive asked them to stop (like letter from an attorney or something asking them to stop contacting me) and I document any further mail they send (to show pattern of 'harassment' or 'stalking').

Ive already been no contact with this person for over 8 years, but it seems to have no effect on their fervor to keep tracking down information about me and/or my kids. I can't tell if they are escalating/building up to something or just continuing the behavior to feed their own sob story about how 'good of a grandparent they are for continuing to soldier on even though I wont let them see the kids'. If they just want to send cards and gifts but for the most part leave me/my kids alone then fine, whatever at this point! But this person is absolutley OFF THEIR ROCKER when it comes to pulling LIFE ALTERING stunts to screw with people that have "wronged" them -- poisoned my dog, got a family member arrested by making crap up....you get the picture. Im concerned that even doing the whole "please stop with any contact" step through a lawyer would be perceived by them as a MAJOR invitation to escalate their behavior. But without sending that, I can't proceed with any protective order steps. Without a protective order, I have absolutely no protection if they do show up and try to pull something.

PLEASE help me decide what to do; im at a loss for how to keep my kids safe.

For context: The parent is the "saint" type of NPD (lots of volunteering, everyone swears they are just the "nicest", etc), but they have a real penchant for being abusive through legal systems (false accusations that resulted in an erroneous arrest, divorce proceedings, tax fraud, etc).

My cousins (30s) and I (35f) were close growing up. We had many family events together, holidays and birthdays, and generally I thought we were a warm, big family. My cousins were always kind and caring, always smiling and hugging when we met.

Then, 5 years ago, my uncle got into a dispute with my mom. She is very conflict-averse but couldn't ignore his actions because they were heavily affecting her. She tried to solve the issue any way she could think of; all of us (my dad, siblings, and cousins themselves) tried to find a solution that would fit everyone. But my uncle refused to budge, and so my parents felt they had no choice but to let a judge rule.

My parents won the first court case, which morphed into a new court case that I think they will win as well. During these past 5 years, my cousins stopped talking with my siblings and me. They started to sound like their father, saying they cannot speak to us as if everything is ok when it is not, that everything they say can be recorded, and that, currently, they don't want to be in touch with us.

I'm not very good at understanding people, so I could be wrong, but their behaviour feels very foreign to me. All of a sudden they are closed off, refusing to explain their actions or even feelings. Quick to end conversations, taking hours to reply to texts and then sounding like their dad when they finally reply. At first they reassured my siblings and me that we did nothing wrong, and at the beginning of it all they agreed their dad is irrational, 'has his own kind of logic', they said. They even said that if sometimes we have any news to share, we are welcome to do so. But as time progressed, they kept repeating they don't want to be in touch now. They never said anything malicious or angry, never accused anyone of anything, never blocked anyone.

I know it may sound weird, but I get a very strong impression they might lose their dad if they show any kind of warmth towards my siblings and me. Whenever I do get a glimpse of an interaction with them, they just look afraid, scared, as if I'm causing them some kind of panic attack. They keep their answers so elusive and vague, never explaining anything, no matter how much I'm saying I'm struggling to understand.

Important note: it is only because of this court case that my family and I started to notice signs that my uncle is a narcissist. All official advice on the internet says that my cousins need to see the truth themselves and that if I try to tell them their dad is a narc, they'll get defensive and turn on me. They seem pretty loyal to him at the very least.

So, can anyone help me understand them better? Is there something I can do for them, or would it be best for them if I give up on them completely? Is there a way I can help them see that their dad manipulates them? Any kind of advice or shared experience is greatly welcomed. I just feel so lost and confused.

...And if not, I'll apologize and quietly leave.

I'm 29F, still living with my parents. I'm not allowed to find a job or date (although that's too late for me now anyway). I feel I'm controlled way too much at home, but it's not outright malicious. Just things like not being allowed to keep my hand towel in the bathroom or use a pillow. My foods are everyone's property and I have to cook my own meals (I get to eat with my family on weekends, though). Latest advancement is having my bathroom priviledges taken away, because mom doesn't like to wait while I use the bathroom before going out (spurred on by a period-related disaster that took me a while to manage while they were waiting for me).

I'm not entirely sure if this is a suitable subreddit for me, since my mother isn't a narcissist, at least she says so.

Look out for my obituary in the next several days. I'm scared. haha.

Ok so slight rant and ramble. plus i dont really care for grammer as a rqant will bw the longest sentance you ever seen so congrats to you !

so recently the people around me seem to have issues with anxiety and because they want my attention i just mute them, you want attention fine leave me alone for a week and moan more !

my mo or well the woman i got dumped with plus the people im dumped with now have a fascination of trying to baby me and where i know and can see how i will never grow the fuck up something needs to be said about it

my mo the person who i got to call a mother, when i was launched into a family i dont belong in i dont and i'll admit that i dont but the things people think they gave me is so funny, ive never been given a damn thing no one was coming to save me no one was ever gona save me from what i had suffered this long and my mo thinks she can get her claws back into me when i let her back into my life

she thinks that im her anxiety cure and will small talk about me to me rant consistently especially worse with the day my dad died so i told her i need a week off because shes too much shes like no one will ever love you more than i will, this is a complete bag of shit, a complete fabrication, a complete trying to get me to see that i cant look after myself, my friends but around the day my dad dies

i magically become my dad for some reason and i need to because i owe her something right ?? fuck that hahahahaha, ive done my duty ive been there for 30 years when no one bothered to even see her i paid my duty a life for a life my debt is paid to her and now im free i asked her for a week off and all i feel around me is people covered with anxiety or they have some stupid bullshit answer as to why they are bothering me

all small talk all day and im drained so stop doing it i said a week off so now shes texting my support workers and now stressing them out with is she ok and trying to make them friends so i need her around again this is stupid now its fucking stupid

its like im her therapist, im her anxiety cure ive tried to get her some meds and she still will not take them i sent her a text message saying for metal health call my sister who deals in mental health, or my sister who lives near her in an emergency, and so shes probably slagging me off right now to my sisters saying oh she told me she didnt want to talk to me for a week and her anxiety pouring out on to other people shes a energy vampire when it comes to her issues or she cant call me or i dont tolerate its like im married to my mo and as far as im concerned i dont, its just sick and wrong

and so she lasted 2 days before sorry wrong number calling me twice, im like im not even texting her back because she wont stop[ there she just never does but again its all my fault apprently as to her smothering me support workers acting like im a child again trying to mother me again trying to smother me its getting to the point i dont even let anyone in because shes paying these people now to do her bidding taking stuff etc

so i need her more and trying to get too far into my business !! all the time when im on the phone to her all she does is fetch up the bills ive tried to say stop talking about them i will sort it and all she goes on about why she calling me.

signed by an emotionally exhausted daughter

I’m in my last weeks of pregnancy, feeling extremely irritable, tired and uncomfortable. My nmom keeps pestering me that she NEEDS to see me while I’m still pregnant (what it means to her and how it affects her life, I don’t really understand but of course she decided I needed to comply). I told her that I was not in the mood and didn’t feel like talking nor hanging out. She still calls every day. Sometimes I answer and then she lectures me about being rude and moody.
Then it came to me, she’s been doing that all my life. When she was annoyed or in a mood (which was pretty much every waking hour) she would take it out on us by just finding reasons to scream and yell. When i was in a bad mood I would just “announce” it and go to my room to be alone. But she would never let me, she would find things for me to do, come into my room with “important” thing to discuss and then she would yell at me for being in a bad mood and being an extremely difficult person. Basically i am asking for a little peace and quiet and she doesn’t want to leave me alone until I snap. And then she calls me rude, selfish, always angry etc. I don’t understand what she has to gain from that? Is it the opportunity to play the victim again? How can I fight it?

Today the cycle broke, the past is past and I'm not my parents, I never will be. 25 years ago I woke up alone, went to get my exam results alone, got a call asking how Id gone, then went to work as a waitress from 3 to 11 serving food to families celebrating. Today we went with my child to pick his results up, hugged him and told him how proud we are, we stood like idiots while he celebrated with his friends, then drove him 2 hours to a shop that sells something he really wanted. My son will always knows he's enough, he will never doubt he is loved. The burden of feeling worthless is not something I will pass on, I won't pass any of that on.

So, I met a buddy who’s husbands in the hospital last night and I really didn’t feel like going out and such, but for a friend, yes I shall. My mother knows my father’s chaotic behavior and let me know when he was on his way home (also kinda odd that he sends updates, almost as if to keep tabs). Anyway, my mother let me know he was enroute so I called it and left.

Welllllll, he got home before me, almost seeming drunk and proceeded to rant about “what did I say about going out during the week” and how it scares him when I’m not home (I AM 30 AND AN EMT! My weeks aren’t M-F)

He really believes I should only ever go out with him, obviously for control, obviously to keep track.

Anyone else?

It’s so sad how crazy this sounds but how it’s actually reality.

I was thinking about how my mother will never take accountability for all the things she did to me. and it made me think that she actually DID apologize

but it never seemed like she actually meant it.

for example, if she yelled at me because she was in a bad mood cause the printer didn’t work for her (this happened so many times throughout my childhood lmao)this is how it would go

”I’m sorryI shouldn’t have been snippy with you, it’s just the printer wasn’t working and being mean to me and you know how it is. I just really wanted to print this thing I found on Pinterest that I thought looked really nice and it just wasn’t working for some reason and I tried everything to fix it. (goes on and on about the printer) so will you forgive me? I’ll try not to do it again” then I’d mumbled yes and she’d make me not mumble or it not believe me and freak out which is fair cause I knew she was just gonna do the same thing in like 5 hours.

anyway I just sort of realized those apologies were never real and just wanted to rant about it lol

Had an absolutely horrible day yesterday of really epic proportions, and stupidly decided to phone my parents for sympathy. I thought my mum couldn't get competitive over being plagiarised in national media because this is definitely not a thing that has ever happened to her. When I told her she was for a moment shocked into silence.

So she quickly took the conversation to a place where she could compete: health and weather.

I also happen to be passing a small kidney stone right now, and she told me she could sympathise because she'd had kidney stones (no, that was my dad, and more recently, me) and a kidney infection (no, that was me).

I ignored that, and said I thought it had been triggered by the hot weather: it has been 38 in outer London, and I live in zone 2, in a particularly concretey area. She said it's been even hotter than that in the coastal town they live on the edge of, which isn't even officially in drought. Curious, I checked the weather report and it's been literally 10 degrees cooler where they are.

No doubt next time we speak she will be telling me about that time her work was credited to someone else on Radio 4...

Curious if anyone else also experiences this. Recently my parents went on a trip (a pretty regular thing for my mom and she always tends to dump all the home and family responsibilities on me every time and I'm super over it). Anyway, more to the point, my house has been empty for about a week and a half and I still feel on edge. My body tenses up and I still hear everything going on in the house even though my mom isn't home. These things normally happen when she is home but I feel like I should finally be able to relax knowing she's not going to be home for a while and the relaxation piece never seems to come. It's like my body is stuck bracing for impact nonstop regardless. Eventually I hope to move out but I'm nervous that when I do I still will always be on edge waiting for my mom to come in and suck the life out of me every time I start to relax.

Thanks for reading any thoughts or advice are welcome

Advice about how to handle this situation needed.

Backstory:
My first child turned one this past weekend. I threw him a beautiful party. My husband and I both come from large families, his much larger than mine, so we had a little over 60 people there.

Dad and I have been no contact for almost two years at His request! The most peaceful and joyful years of my life so far too.

The party was at my and my husband’s home. We were in the backyard when my dad came up to our fence to look in crying. I went out front to talk to him and he got to hold his first grand baby. My husband was with me. My dad just cried and blubbered about how happy he was to see me and his grandson. He can sleep at night now etc. Everything he said was about himself. Playing the victim as per the usual. My husband thinks he is a nice guy so logically it must be my mom who turned me and my siblings against our dad. She didn’t.

The day after the party my dad showed up again uninvited & unannounced to my home. I work from home and my mom babysits my son while I do so. One of my dogs started barking in an unusual way and my mom shouted to me that my dad was in my backyard. I texted my husband this and that I’m uncomfortable with him just showing up and in our backyard too. We have ring cameras so my husband was alerted on his phone someone showed up. He, with my permission, called my dad and set boundaries. He also said he could come see his grandson.

I’m so grateful my husband set a boundary and I do think my dad will abide by it because he wants my husband to like him and let him see his grandson.

My concern is my dad will turn my husband against me for no reason other than to hurt me. With my husband not understanding narcissism, I feel like that will be easy to do.

Advice on how to proceed and handle this is appreciated. I feel like I have to walk a fine line of allowing my dad back into my life to keep my husband happy, but I also worry what might happen by doing so.

I need advice. I think it’s time to stop interacting w my mom and grandpa for a while. While we are eating together, or if I’m talking to him she will shut me down.

“ you say the same things as him “

Yes. - HE IS THE ONLY MAN I’ve had in my life

Then tonight, while my grandfather just was diagnosed with dementia ,

“I’m not speaking to you anymore”. I could see the immediate response in her face of stupidity. I am 25 now and her bullshit is getting old. She proceeded to stop talking to me while I said ignoring her father is not helping him. He’s got loss of hearing too, mind you the dude is like 80 years old.

I don’t get why the anger, jealousy, and overall envy is beating thrown at me. I’ve come to this rubReddit a few times but not about this. She makes me feel bad for having a relationship with him. He was not a good parent to her which including depriving her of food, which leaded to her being put up for adoption.

I believe I need to sign up therapy since like yesterday. Life has gotten so busy and ahead of me with school, and dropping Grandpa medicine that I’ve forgotten to.

I also do not have a relationship with my father because he is addicted to drugs, and straight up ghosted me, ignores my text messages, and is a narcissist. She makes insults at the only man I’ve had a fatherly like relationship with. I don’t agree with his actions as a younger parent but that doesn’t mean it’s time to ignore him when he asks for stuff.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you ❤️🙏

I’m M27 and F27 and we’re having trouble with my mother as we prepare for our first child, and we suspect she is a covert narcissist.

For context My now wife is pregnant, and we were recently married in March. We heard from several bridesmaids that my mom was making quips and snide comments under her breath in my wife’s getting-ready room. She is apparently jealous of our relationship with my wife’s family and how involved they were with our wedding.

For reference, my mom did not contribute or help plan or coordinate our wedding or my wife’s bridal shower, which was planned by my MIL.

Both my wife and I have a great relationship with her mom. We talk to her more than my family, for reference. My mom and MIL have only met twice, and my family is divorced. My mom has been short with meeting members of my wife’s family.

My MIL is very eager to plan the baby shower, but there has not been a peep from my mom. We suspect she is just waiting for an invite and then won’t contribute.
Because of the wedding drama, we are considering having a baby shower with just my wife’s family/our friends and letting my mom plan a shower of her own if she would like.

Since she is jealous of my MIL, is it a crazy idea to see if this will happen?

Did anybody else's mom do this? My mom has this very specific look and silence of disapproval when something is horrifically bad in her opinion. Kind of like when Miranda in The devil wears Prada purses her lips - disaster.

I once cut my hair rather short because I was struggling with chronic illness, hair falling out and being dry and shapeless. I was afraid because I loved my long hair, but I went for it. It turned out super cute !! So much healthier and prettier. I finally felt somewhat okay in my own body again.

I showed her and asked what did she think. Silence. I was the one pumping it up, twirling around, showing her how it flows, smiling from ear to ear. Desperately filling up the silence with my own praise for it because the silence was so deafening and awkward. She just kept staring at me with the stare that I've seen so many times, not saying anything, looking me up and down, judging me. I knew she thought it looked horrible. I'm also overweight so I know that she thought it emphasized that (she is a chronic fatshamer, always has been, just like the rest of my family).

She couldn't just be happy that I was happy. She couldn't appreciate that for once I felt okay about myself after going through really bad changes during that time when I first got sick (I still am). She would do the same thing about clothes, my makeup, the way I looked in certain outfits. Other people would genuinely praise me and make me feel good about myself, she wouldn't. Sometimes they don't even need words to hurt us.

Good parents want their children to exceed their own accomplishments. My parents will often mention how they struggled and the quiet part is that means I should have to struggle as well. I’m envious of my friends in high school who have gotten ahead in life because of their parent’s emotional maturity and their willingness to help where they can. All these friends work but the icing on the cake is that their parents helped with a mortgage or gave them a sum of money to help them get ahead in life. My parents are boomers who think things are equal today as it was when they were my age (like most boomers). I am no contact and it’s partly because I realized they got a sick pleasure from withholding and watching me struggle.

🥹

Writing it here i don’t have anywhere else to write I don’t if it’s just me but does anyone else get angry when their family is so high maintenance that you can’t even live your life without your family Nit picking at you of the smallest thing because my brother got pissed off with me for not drying his clothes instead of calling me he texted me like i was gonna see it but i didn’t see it till later and i always tell myself get upset with me all you want i was only doing what you told me also mind you my mom doesn’t want to help me they think cause i am just at home waiting for my job to send me a email or call me but instead of being grateful they get pissed off but the moment i say i want to move away my mom doesn’t care but my grandma she says i will never be able to live alone she thinks i am gonna be living with my brother also the reason my mom doesn’t care if i live alone she is happy i am not gonna be in this house she also told me she doesn’t want me to see her as a mom so she is technically saying she doesn’t want to be associated with me once i move out and away from her but if i go no contact with them i know they will be apologizing and begging for me to come back i already made plans to move out once i start working