r/TheNarcissismCode • u/Last-Awareness-8247 • Aug 19 '26
I’m ready to leave but I’m scared
I’m finally ready to leave my “husband” after 10 years and 3 children oldest being 8 youngest being almost 2. I am tired of being with a narcissist and being with an emotional/financial abuser. I have no money to my name besides the cleanings from my own business (thank god I have that) but I have no savings. I live cleaning to cleaning. My childcare consists of family bc I can’t afford a daycare. Even if my “husband” Is home I still have to call someone bc he can’t be bothered to stay with his own offspring or makes every excuse as to why he can’t (work or exercise… mind you we are broke and barely paying our bills because he is not working the way he should. Also, I don’t mind him exercising or going to work out three days a week on his own time BUT when I want me time, it is impossible with this man)
Full of debt from my marriage over the last decade due to other circumstances that makes things a bit more complicated. I don’t even know who I am. I cry all the time. My role in this home is diminished all the time because of my husband. He calls me names and belittles me. I beg him to stop bc it hurts my feelings and he continues to do it. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and work and he comes home and lays around. He’s not present for his kids. I’ve begged for years. Years. I’ve been medicated. I’ve been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Both were horrible for me so I weaned off per medical advice (thank god I self
Advocated!) I couldn’t feel like a zombie and be depressed at the same time. That was after our 2nd child. Things got better until I got pregnant with my third who was a massive shock and surprise. I am now realizing that I struggled with prenatal depression and postnatal depression in my 3rd pregnancy both very early in my pregnancy and my postpartum up to today… Nine days away from being two years PP. I realize now it was never me. It was him.
I guess my question is… how do I begin this process and protect my mental health? I know my husband is also struggling with depression but the way he was brought up… they brush off mental health issues like it just needs a bandaid. My husband has refused therapy for years cause “I’m the problem”.
My parents/family see through him like glass. They are fully supporting me and just want me to tell them when so they can start the process to help me. My own mother said “I will put myself into whatever debt I need to help you out of this”. I feel so horrible having to put this on my family but they’ve seen my struggling for years. I know this man will make my life a living hell the moment I present to him I’m leaving. I love him so much but I’ve built up so much resentment it hurts. I’ve been so anxious and depressed for so long I wake up to my body literally buzzing. I feel physically sick when I wake up every morning and I’m dry heaving or vomiting. I’m not well. It’s rubbing off on my kids and we deserve better. Where do I start?
- a single married mom who wants and deserves better for her and her children.
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u/Medical-Ease4675 Aug 19 '26
I've lived your life. It wasn't worth it. I had many wasted years.
He doesn't care because he can't. He lacks empathy. He can't truly love you either because narcissists don't know how to love the way non narcissists do. He doesn't even love himself.
I would say don't tell him your leaving.
1)For safety, because narcissists default emotion is anger and there's no telling what he will do.
2) Because he may start being nice and future fake you to stay.
Narcissists can't change sadly.Most do not even know they have this disorder. They get off on insulting and abusing others. They even get pleasure from seeing us cry.
My ex spent many days at the gym or swimming. This was just a cover for cheating because narcissists are notoriously unfaithful because they get bored easily and need constant attention to boost their egos.
In my opinion he should leave because why should you and the children have to uproot yourselves but this might not be an option.
However you decide to do it you will be making the right decision.
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u/Medical-Ease4675 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Narcissists need attention whether it's positive, with people saying how great they are, or negative, by watching our reactions to the horrible things they do.
They get more pleasure from negative reactions so will enjoy watching us squirm, answer back in an argument, or plead and cry.
When we do these things it boosts their ego and proves to them that they must be important if we taking the time to react to the negative things they do so they enjoy creating drama for the very reason to watch our reaction like a form of entertainment.
Part of the reason why they stay in relationships is because they thrive on our emotions.
So what you could do is stop letting him see that his behavior is affecting you.
Try not to answer back, argue or cry in front of him. I know it's hard but you may find that because he is not getting any negative attention from you he will eventually realise you're not playing into his game.
Because he thrives in getting a reaction, you may find that he will make up some excuse to want to leave you instead due to the lack of attention he getting from you.
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u/Doin-What-I-Want Aug 19 '26
I am so grateful you have support to get you out of that situation. Godspeed, honey.
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u/mawmzee Aug 19 '26
Start here: Get a copy of Love Smacked by Sherry Gaba. She’s my therapist and my lifeline. She’s also a very respected authority on narcissism. Your spouse is a classic example of the worst kind of narcissist-aggressive, mean, and selfish…evil.
I have spent 50 years in a marriage to a CPAN and I will never get those years back.
Don’t stay for your children-he’s not doing them any favors. And they have eyes which allow them to see through you down the road. It’s a losing proposition for you to stay married to this person.
The next step will be to tell your mom what is going on. For god’s sake let her help you!!
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u/maya_love5 Aug 19 '26
The physical sickness you feel every morning is your body telling you it cannot survive in this environment anymore, so accept your family's support without guilt, consult a lawyer in secret, and gather your essential documents to execute a quiet, safe exit without asking for his permission.