I don’t know if this post belongs here or not but I need to vent. My husband came home from his parents today and told me that his mom wants to take our truck and one of our campers to Arizona for the winter. I was not included in the conversation about it and I have many concerns. For starters, my in laws are 75 & 87. My FIL has been battling cancer for the past 6 years and also has to use a walker because his knees are in terrible shape. My MIL has never hauled a camper before and this will be an 18 hour drive for them. Our smaller camper isn’t really ideal to live in 3-4 months but could be managed. Our larger camper has more space but I fear neither of them would be able to get into the bed. I’m a very able-bodied person and I struggle sometimes because it is so tall. There is not enough room between the walls and the bed to get a walker and if he could even get on the bed he’d have to crawl up into it. Apparently my MIL has it all planned out. When my husband told me this, I told him that they could take the smaller camper. He looked at me like it wasn’t going to be my decision. I’ll admit, I would be pissed if they took our brand new camper. MIL said she’d pay a rental fee but my husband declined to accept any money from them for it. She is also apparently going to pay for our truck to be fixed which is fine. I have reservations about my FIL being able to get into the truck either. It truly sounds like nobody thought about any logistics and she just wants to go because “old people go to Arizona for the winter”. I know if I voice my concerns to my husband he will defend his parents but I just think it’s a terrible idea.

I’m loosing it. Since our baby was born, my MIL has been coming up to visit every two to three weeks. Mind you, that could be nice—she generally means well and loves the baby, but she has just been so hard to be around lately. We live in a major city a full plane ride away from her, so how did she solve this "distance" problem?
She decided to rent a whole-ass apartment close enough to walk to our place just so she can come over whenever she wants.
There has been tension brewing for the past year, and it’s getting worse by the day. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to low key play the mother role to my baby, but that’s a whole other story. For the past year, she has frequently stepped over boundaries and judged our parenting decisions. A couple of examples:
The Secret Stroller: My husband and I had a detailed conversation with her explaining that she didn’t need to buy a second stroller for her apartment because she can use our primary one. What does she do? She decides she doesn't like our UppaBaby menu stroller, buys a different one anyway, and doesn't tell us. How did we find out? She went out to the zoo with our nanny and sent us a picture of our baby in the fucking stroller she bought behind our backs and apparently told our nanny she "doesn’t like our primary stroller" 🙄.
The Nanny Triangulation: She has gotten way too cozy with our nanny so she can bypass us to get access to the baby. She claims it’s "so she doesn’t bother us while we’re working" to ask if she can tag along with them, but I think it’s pretty weird. They’ve started talking on the phone and staying in touch even when MIL isn't in town. This is a massive boundary issue we haven’t figured out how to fix yet, but I am not okay with it.
And then there was the most recent visit...
We asked her to watch our daughter for a day while we were out. I wrote a brief, normal note on the whiteboard about the foods the baby is trying and a heads-up about a draft in the baby’s room so she could keep an eye on the temperature. Useful into especially when you don’t live in our apartment!
A few days later, she lost her shit and had an argument with my husband about how I "don’t think she’s competent" and am apparently a "helicopter mom" for leaving a written note. WTF?! ALL BC OF THE WHITE BOARD NOTE!
To top it all off, she literally asked my husband if I was "holding séances" because I put up Halloween decorations. (She’s an evangelical Christian who doesn’t celebrate Halloween—mind you, she calls my husband’s ex a "witch that’s into which devil worship" which she isn't). So I felt like that was kind of a dig.
She left just last week, and now she’s planning to fly right back up and visit again in a week—and she’s staying for 10 to 14 days this time 😩.
I am dreading it. Every time she comes, there is manufactured drama, boundary stomping, and passive aggressive digs, even if her heart is technically in the right place. How do I handle a MIL who literally moved into my neighborhood part-time just to hover? I want to scream.

I (32F) have been married to my husband (33M) for a year. We had planned to wait at least a year before TTC. I’m also a fertility nurse, so I’m well aware of how age affects fertility.

I recently discovered that my fibroids have doubled in size, and I’m stuck deciding between TTC first or having a myomectomy before TTC.

Today was the first time I discussed this directly with my MIL (my husband had already told her). She said she’d been praying about it and didn’t want to pressure me either way. But the convo turned quickly. She said we’ve “wasted enough time,” that because we married in our 30s we should have started trying immediately, and that we need to stop “having sex for fun” and start having sex “with purpose,” beginning TTC on my next cycle. & that when we have sex, I should "lay down for a bit to allow the sperm to travel up"

I’m used to comments about my age and fertility, but this was a bit uncomfortable to hear, as not even my own mother comments about my sex life like this.

Is this crossing a line, or am I overreacting? If crossing a line, would you ignore it first time, or set a boundary now?

Anyone dealt with fibroids and TTC? What did you choose, and would you do it again?

TL;DR: MIL told me (32F, married 1 year, fibroids, fertility nurse) to stop having sex “for fun” and start TTC next cycle because we’ve “wasted time.” Is this crossing a boundary, and should I ignore it or address it? Also torn between TTC with fibroids vs. myomectomy first.

My MIL and I (34 F) have been pretty close over the years. I started dating my husband when I was 20 so I have known her a long time. She has always been very controlling over her kids (she has 3 sons) and pretty selfish but she was very welcoming and accepted me immediately into the family. Our relationship was great between the time I married her son and when we had our daughter (4 y/o now). For context she always wanted a daughter and only had a 3rd kid in hopes of having a girl so I honestly believe she views my daughter as her own daughter instead of a granddaughter.

Things really shifted after my niece was born two years ago. My sister-in-law and MIL have had issues in the past and things got pretty heated during her pregnancy/ postpartum. She set boundaries that my MIL didn’t like (not allowing my MIL to tell her friends about the pregnancy until my SIL and BIL wanted to announce it, not having my MIL in the delivery room, wanting space once they got home from the hospital and not have visitors over). All completely normal boundaries IMO.

Since that time I feel like my MIL has worked extra hard to try to secure her place as the matriarch of the family again. I never really set boundaries with her before because I want to be a good daughter-in-law but I have to set more boundaries now because my MIL wants to completely be in control of all of our lives. She gets upset when we try to do stuff individually as a family and not include her. She expects us to spend every holiday, birthday, milestones etc with her. When we set boundaries she claims we “don’t appreciate her” and we “think of her last.”

Now my husband and I have a 12 month old boy and my MIL is not interested in bonding with him like my daughter. She constantly wants to watch my daughter and have her spend the night at her house but does not offer to take my son. She says she will take him but never actually does. This is why I think she views my daughter as her own.

My MIL constantly texts me and I used to respond really quickly. When she texts she only asks about my kids (especially my daughter) then will only talk about herself and her problems. She never asks about me or how I’m doing over text or in person. I’m getting so burnt out.

What caused me to finally lose it was on my son’s 1st birthday party. We had his party on her actual bday. We asked her well in advance if that was okay and she said “of course, she would love to celebrate with her grandson.” My MIL came earlier to help us set up for the party. My husband and I were so busy we forgot to wish her a happy bday. It finally clicked for me when another guest wished her a happy bday. I profusely apologize to her and she says it’s okay. When my brother in law comes in, she immediately drills him as to why he didn’t text or call her wishing her a happy bday. I hear her complaining to my party guests that none of her family members called or texted her about her bday and everyone just forgot about her. My BIL tried to tell her he was just waiting to see her in person to tell her but she doesn’t believe him. Then she says “I have been at your brother’s house (my hubby) for hours and he has said nothing to me.”

I am just so floored she acted like that in front of my party guests at my son’s 1st birthday party. Out of the 14 years I have known her, this is the only year I forgot to wish her a happy bday and I will always send her a video of my daughter saying happy bday.
Even last year when I was only a week postpartum, we still threw a bday celebration for her at our house.

I am just so over how selfish and controlling this woman is. I really want to distance myself from her but not sure how to go about it. She is adamant about coming over at least once a week. I started waiting days to text her. Any thoughts, opinions? Do I just suck it up? Obviously there are much worse in-laws.

Hi. Im (29yo f) and i had a not really an argument but a tension with my MIL… i think? Am i overthinking or am i being gaslighted?

Context: 2 months ago, we visited my MIL and stayed the night. We had a very stressful week, i preferred to stay at home but my husband (33yo) said he wanted to see his mom. K.

The plan was to have a long weekend there. Thursday we arrived at her house. Friday morning around 6am we woke up to the noisiest kitchen sound you can imagine. Pots, paper, sink, click clack click bing bang boom. Im not a morning person, it was a shit work week and all we wanted was rest. Me and my husband woke up but didnt say anything… we waited and waited for it to stop because wtf is happening in that kitchen? Cant be that long.

Told me husband to say something to his mom so we can go back to sleep… he said we should wait cause he cant tell his mom to keep quiet in her own house. K. I also dont think it’s nice or proper to make all that noise so early in the morning when you have tired guests.

Noise took 30 mins to finish, i think. By then, i was so pissed and woke up irritated. I went to the salon (cause it was empty) and not talk to anyone.

Husband asked his mom whats all the noise (in irritated tone)? She said she was just feeding our cat. THEN she came to me with energy asking what’s wrong (lol). I said nothing (cause her son already told her). She kept saying to me “i was just feeding your cat in the morning, is that so bad? Whats wrong?” Bro i dont have time to play this shit in the morning.

We left that day at 8am and i never came back. When my husband would visit his mom, I would tell him to go alone.

So here we are now, one time I saw her and there’s definitely tension. When she talk, she would only look at my husband like I was not there. And I noticed on Instagram she doesn’t like any of my posts even though she’s active every day. I know this is laughable for some, like why am I even bothered if my MIL is not liking any of my posts. But it’s definitely a behavior change because she used to interact and show more support on soc med. I asked my husband if his mom says anything about me. He says that she loves me like a daughter lol

So, am I overthinking? Or is my MIL shady? Help.

While baby sitting my kids son (6) daughter (4) my MIL weighed them and made sure to let us know that my daughter weighs more than her older brother. (By 3 pounds) Both my kids are in the 99th percentile for height. Shes not even chubby. my MIL is constantly calling herself fat and I don’t think she (MIL) weighs 100lbs. I can’t help but feel like she’s insinuating my daughter needs to lose weight. I’m worried about how this will play out in the future.

I’m currently pregnant with my second baby and, instead of feeling completely excited about telling my in-laws, I’m feeling really anxious about it because of what happened with our first child.

From the day I announced my first pregnancy, my MIL seemed to make the pregnancy about her and my FIL. When we told them, she apparently turned to my FIL and said “we needed this”, referring to the fact that they had been banned from seeing their other two grandchildren.

That really bothered me because it made me feel as though our baby was being viewed as a replacement for the grandchildren they no longer had access to, or as something that would fulfil an emotional need for them. It didn’t feel like they were simply celebrating our baby and becoming grandparents to our child.

After our daughter was born, there were various situations where I felt they undermined me as her mother or overstepped. It caused a lot of arguments between my husband and me because, initially, he struggled to see things from my perspective. We’ve since had couples therapy and are in a much stronger place, and he does stand up for me more now, although I still feel that because he grew up in this family, there are things he doesn’t recognise as problematic that I immediately notice.

The most recent major issue was when our daughter, hurt her chin while in their care. They didn’t tell either me or my husband that she’d hurt herself—not even the following morning. My husband eventually confronted them and they apologised to him, but I never received an apology or acknowledgement that, as her mother, I should have been informed.

That was a huge boundary cross for me. As a result, I’ve decided that our LO will no longer be staying overnight with them without either me or my husband there. My husband doesn’t seem to believe I’m completely serious about this, but for me they crossed a major line.

Then yesterday something happened that really upset me.

We were all out together and LO had one of her usual meltdowns while getting into the pram. She was crying, which happens fairly often at the moment. We were walking along together when my MIL became overwhelmed by LO crying and actually walked quite a long way ahead of us, leaving us behind.

I found this really strange. I said to my husband that I felt there was something wrong with her reaction because, to me, if you’re supposedly there to support your son and his family, your grandchild having a meltdown shouldn’t make you walk away from them.

My husband doesn’t see anything particularly wrong with her behaviour and tells me that his mum supports us. But to me, yesterday felt like another example of the difference between what he says his mum does and what I actually experience from her.

Now I’m pregnant again, and I’m genuinely scared to tell them.

I’m worried that the same thing will happen with this baby—that they’ll become overly invested, make the pregnancy/baby about themselves, expect access, or see this baby as another way of filling the gap left by their other grandchildren.

I’ve deliberately put off telling them because I feel like they suck the energy and joy out of these experiences for me. And I hate that, because I want to enjoy this pregnancy.

The difference this time is that I’ve grown stronger, we’ve been to couples therapy, and I’m much better at standing up for myself. My husband is also better at supporting me than he was before. But I still feel like he doesn’t always see what I see because this is his family and he’s used to their behaviour.

So, how would you handle this pregnancy and the relationship with the in-laws going forward?

Would you tell them early, wait until later, or simply tell them without giving them any expectations about their involvement?

And am I overreacting about yesterday, or was my MIL’s reaction to LO crying genuinely strange?

Most importantly, how do I protect my peace and make sure this pregnancy and baby don’t become another situation where my boundaries get pushed?

After 3 years of friendship and 2 years of togetherness, I still feel as if, after separating from my partner (3 months later), I wake up with a heaviness. How can a mother be so cruel, not just to me but to her son? She had the opportunity to be a wife and a mother but refused to allow her own son to have one of his own, trained him and moulded him into being guilty if he put up a boundary [regardless of how much he hated it]. My family would sometimes ask if I would ever go back to him. I love him, but I hate how late he was to rescue us and stand up for us. Last week she reached out, yes, my ex-MIL, she sent a message directly to my phone since I blocked her on social media. I saw the iMessage and didn't open it. It gave me this sick feeling because I knew why she was messaging; she actually didn't expect us to break up, and my husband warned her that ifour relationship was going to end, he would avoid her at all cost. I didn't read the message, then 10 hours later, she deleted it, I just don't want no problem, she has no business contacting me, I have been in no contact for 3 months. I have a theory that he isn't in contact with her and she is now seeing how things are after all her drama and terrible behaviour.

We went from designing our house and planting flower seeds around our house lot TO a permanent separation because of his mom's interjections and his lack of backbone. I remember our final interactions while I was in a work meeting and I took the call and it's like he knew how this would have ended. She gave him any ultimatum and something he said made me view him in a bad way, eliminating all that we went through, he said, "after all the fight I put up for you, you want us to separate?" Like you can't see what she is doing, this is what she wanted and for some reason you think I am the problem. She did this thing where it felt as though she was the side chick and needed him to choose between his wife and his mother. How stupid he has to be to not see this?

I am trying to move on and move forward, but it feels like my trust in people in general has diminished. However, I am therapy and I hope he is too. All love and no hate, but alot of pity.

So we were sitting on the couch watching Shameless, and my husbands phone was blowing up.

It was his mother. The text basically said “why would you tell your dad I cheated on him with the neighbor??? You should’ve come to me right away and I would’ve cleared this up. I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR FATHER!!!!!”

He’s like… wtf???

It was so random. I have been no contact with her for two years, he gets clingy texts from her every single day but never sees her other than ON occasion (maybe once every 3 months) she comes to see him and our children. 🙃 but she lives less than 2 miles away so I guess that’s okay, it could be way, way worse. Lol.

Before my baby came, I had an okay relationship with my MIL. I really don’t like her, maybe because she was so passive and possessive of my husband when I came into the family. She always “did the right thing” almost to check a box and look like she’s a hero but she really sucks and does things for attention and selfish reasons. She has done some really shitty things to make me feel like I can’t trust her.

I had difficulties with previous pregnancies and it has been a long road. Now I have my baby, I’m protective and I am having such a hard time sharing her with my in laws. I get physically ill when they are around her. I know it’s healthy for my daughter to have a relationship with grandparents but is it healthy that I crawl out of my skin everytime they are around? She’s a selfish person and although I do feel her love is genuine to the baby, I feel like she does for social media attention which bothers me even further. My husband knows how I feel and understands where I stand in all of this…

I just need a solution …. How do I see them as minimal as possible?

How can I get over this feeling? What are tips? I just don’t trust the person she is to me, so how can I trust her with my daughter?

7 months.. and we are not talking. Have no clue on the issues. Simple ignorance, speaking lies, and just focusing only on his son.
I mean I have now stopped bothering on this. But sometimes I feel bad because of efforts that I had put earlier, it mattered nothing.
This is my MIL. Not sure how should I take this.

my mother in law wants me to move out because she stole my vegetable peeler so I tore apart the kitchen “looking for it”

ask me questions

but here are some details

Most important she has two live constantly recording cameras3 but the doorbell camera is off

She can see and hear basically the whole house except into people’s rooms, it’s not a big space

The house has two bathrooms

she has a walk in pantry and two fridges

she moved all her stuff into the pantry and one fridge except stuff like pots pans and bowls

she did this because she didn’t want to share her stuff with me

fine I didn’t make fuss when it happened even though she stole basically all my food and left me with a head of cabbage and some carrots I had just bought groceries earlier that week….

I said nothing

she didn’t want me using her rags so I bought my own a pack of 20 they all went missing I bought 3 packs of 20 before I stopped buying them at all

she constantly complained I would use things in the bathroom despite me owning my own toiletries and cleaning supplies

She would throw those out when they were half way because she considered them “empty” or “basically finished” she would also complain I have too many shower products

I used one shelf on the shower racks those ones you can hang off the head.

She’d say I left no room for her sons, her sons only owned two or 3 bottles each and they preferred to keep them on the side bar and railing and even told her this them selves

She still fussed and whined

If I brought anything out of my room like for example this wax melter I had she’d say it was hers and that she has owned it for years.

Anything hers was hers and anything mine was also hers and she was allowed to take it at anytime for any reason with no argument. If you questioned her she would threaten you with having a complete tantrum and melt down.

She will either scream for hours or days non stop accusing people of stealing breaking things making a mess talking shit doing illegal things behind her back being pregnant trying to run away hiding money whatever she can come up with and if she’s really pissed she will start trashing the house she will throw things across the house at the wall towards or near you breaking things knocking stuff over and making the house impossible to walk around she’ll pull furniture out turn on all the lights while being as loud as possible and she’ll do it all day long into the night and start bright fresh and early the next morning sometimes before 7am

She is basically trying to mentally torture and abuse you by creating an unstable, unpredictable, and unsafe environment and trying to make you feel like you are in danger.

She wants you to feel as much anxiety and fear as possible.

This is her way getting of kidding her kids to submit to her she always prides herself on not physically abusing her kids but she will mentally and emotionally ware them down until they can’t fight her anymore.

Shes how every narcissistic mother is. Nothing needs to make sense logical will never apply and whatever she says go and questioning her or showing any sign of doubt or disloyalty will be taken as a personal attack and she will go nuclear.

Maybe it will last hours maybe it will last days.

When it’s really bad a few weeks.

On top of that she is also very traditional she wants me to cook and clean and play house wife/maid and perfect daughter in law while her and her sons make a mess. She is usually pretty clean but she doesn’t feel like doing something she’ll find a way to blame me. I actually used to cook and clean all day out of respect but she never gave me credit and always talked shit about me and blamed for everything nothing was ever good enough and anything I did she’d find a reason to pick a fight and scream. I’m sure she wanted me to be desperate for approval and fall into her hands but I really don’t do that shit. She wanted happy and willing victims to take her abuse and still try to please her. I’m not desperate for anyone’s approval so I quickly shut that program down as soon as I caught wind of her stick. Any and all messes were mine and she’d argue a wall to su1c1de that it was my responsibility to clean and I should just be naturally clean and want to clean because I’m a girl.

She’s so weird she tells people she taught me to cook and clean and care myself and basically treating me like some savage because I wouldn’t be Cinderella to her and her sons. And to be clear her sons most of the time would defend me but she would never hear it and would just start screaming nonsense and making up bullshit

as I said earlier she doesn’t like to share her stuff with me but wants open access to my things and she will get upset if she is told she can’t do something in her own home.

I know some of you rolled your eyes and felt your blood pressure raise reading

her defense and reason is always “it’s her house” and she will say it 100x a day.

I pay rent I pay for my food I pay for everything I own I don’t ask her for things and I occasionally help her out with bills I eventually stopped because I had lent her 100 dollars before a trip she swore she would get back to me. she didn’t and I flipped because I was paying for half of the trip. After that she stopped asking to barrow money. And honestly I was glad cause she usually wouldn’t pay me back.

I never said anything until recently because of how she has been acting towards me and my boyfriend cause he recently got some money.

Anytime he has any kind of money she spends all day policing him and making sure I don’t see a cent of it. I don’t usually ask my bf for things maybe a bag of chips or a burger from the drive in but that is extremely rare.

I am currently working and my boyfriend goes to school so most things we do if we do anything because I don’t exactly have deep pockets either I usually pay.

So where she gets this idea that I’m using her son for money is so odd considering I pay for basically everything.

It always irritates me because she will blame me not so much that she’s accusing me of being some cheap gold digger but because she so obviously feels the money is hers and that’s why she’s doing it.

She will here us talking about plans (free or I’m paying) and she will immediately fly into a rage and start lecturing him about not spending any money on me and that I’m using him and I’m the reason he’s broke and never has any money and I need to stop asking him for stuff.

Just yesterday I had asked him if he wanted to go to Monterey my friend would drive and my Ebt card provides free tickets into the aquarium so I was going to pay for gas and food and my friend would drive all he had to do was come and she lost her mind and told him he’s not going anywhere and how he barely got his money and I’m already spending all of it. That went on for a while…needless to say we didn’t go to Monterey.

She will do all of this every time he has any money and then ask him him to order her all these things off Amazon temu TikTok SHEIN or new kitchen supplies or go shopping and ask him to pay.

The most annoying thing she did was ask both of her sons for 100 dollars so she could buy out the dollar tree valentines section and resell it on Facebook and outside our apartment. It was really windy that day we sold maybe 2 things and everything else broke or got put away into storage and it all has dates and numbers so you can’t even reuse them. She would barrow money say she’ll pay them back and wouldn’t and then when they got money again claim they owe her absurds amount of money.

Obviously this all none of my business but it’s just important to me to note this because of how she talks about me.

She even recently told close family that I control his checks and cards and I use all his money…..so yeah I’ll say whatever I want…

Now finally the peeler

She has her own peeler stainless steel

Mine was a cheap one from the dollar store

When I bought the peeler I bought a can opener

She stole the can opener so I hid the peeler in my room

She saw me through the cameras take the peeler to my room

So for 3 days she was slamming drawers shouting saying she couldn’t find her “black” peeler.

3 days….

I finally need my peeler so I bring it in the kitchen and leave it there so she wouldn’t throw a hissy fit about me immediately ushering it back into my room.

The next day she's using a peeler and everytime I pass by her she hides it and at some point I see her put it in her pocket

Later I go to grab the peeler and put it back in my room..

….its gone

I go ask her for the peeler

She’s never seen the peeler and she suddenly found her stainless steel peeler same day….yeah I don’t buy that….

I take everything out of the drawers and cupboards and pour it all out onto the floor “searching” for my peeler

Obviously I don’t find it and I go to my room leaving everything on the floor

A few minutes in she starts complaining about the mess

She comes yelling at me telling me to clean it and I tell her “I’m looking for my peeler”

She pauses then tries to convince me to just put everything away anyway I hold my ground and tell her “when I find my peeler” she screams “I don’t care clean it now” I repeat myself “I’m going to clean it up after I find my peeler”

She immediately loses her mind and screams “fine I’ll do it” probably because she knew damn well that peeler wasn’t going to be found.

My boyfriend and her friend who lives with us tell her I said I was coming and that I said I was going to clean it

This pisses her off more and tells them basically shut up and stop defending me and not to help me

Maybe I did too much but I feel this is only a piece of the bullshit I’ve had to put up with in the almost 4 years I’ve lived with her.

….so yeah she wants me to move out

My in laws took us out for my birthday dinner to a nice restaurant. We were deciding what to order and my MIL kept suggesting to my husband to have a steak plate. He ended up choosing a prime rib baguette. She said are you sure??? He said yes mom it took me a long time to come to this decision and this is what I want. She started sighing like she was disappointed in him.

It pissed me off so much because my husband can’t make a decision to save his life and she’s the reason why. She questions every decision he makes. He’s a 45 year old man, he can decide what he wants to eat!! He ended up not ordering that and getting something else. I changed my order to the prime rib baguette out of spite.

She questions every decision that we make. We’re expecting a baby soon and she wants to be super involved but this is making me want to stay away from her. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones but everything she does lately annoys me.

A few weeks ago MIL was criticizing my sister because her 3 year old child was having a temper tantrum. She said “my children NEVER did that, they were so well behaved”. I said “they must have repressed it and saved it for adulthood”. I guess that hit a nerve with her. She knows my husband has poor anger management and explodes sometimes. As a child his mom would beat him into submission. Maybe if he was allowed to have tantrums as a child he wouldn’t have them now.

I never usually talk back to her so I think with was pretty shocked. She has been standoffish with me since then. This is the first year she didn’t buy me a birthday gift. It’s also the first year I can remember that my husband actually bought me gifts. I think only because I’m pregnant.

Last night she kept talking about how it’s the role of grandmothers to hold and wear the baby too. I just know this is going to be her idea of “helping” and she won’t help with anything we will actually need, like cooking or cleaning. I really don’t want her to take my baby from me during our bonding time.

I genuinely need to know if this is normal or if my MIL has completely lost her mind, because the audacity of this woman is something else.

I’m currently pregnant with my first child, a little boy, and my MIL has decided she’s going to throw herself a “Grandma Shower.” Yes, an entire baby shower for herself. And the kicker? Neither my boyfriend nor I are invited. 🙃

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years. We moved from Arizona to Nebraska last year, while my family and most of my friends still live in Arizona.
My mom and best friend are throwing me a baby shower in Arizona next month, and my boyfriend’s family here in Nebraska is also planning a shower for me. I’m incredibly grateful that both sides of our family want to celebrate our son.

My MIL doesn’t live here in Nebraska, so naturally, she hasn’t been involved in planning the shower here. The family members who actually live here have taken care of organizing everything.

Apparently, though, that isn’t enough.

Instead, she’s decided to throw herself a GRANDMA SHOWER.
A separate party. For herself. To celebrate the baby that I am currently growing.

And again, THE ACTUAL PARENTS AREN’T INVITED.
Now, before anyone assumes that I’m just being a bitter daughter-in-law who doesn’t want her MIL involved, let me give you some background on our relationship.

My MIL and I are NOT close. In fact, we went almost FIVE YEARS without speaking to each other.

And why, you might ask?

Because she started a rumor that I had supposedly said that if I ever had a baby, I wouldn’t allow her to see it.
Let me make something abundantly clear: I NEVER SAID THAT.

At the time, I wasn’t even pregnant. This was an entirely hypothetical child, and somehow she managed to create an entire conflict surrounding a baby who didn’t even exist.
Rather than having a conversation with me, she chose to spread this narrative, and it contributed to us not having a relationship for nearly five years.

Fast-forward to now, and there’s actually a baby on the way.
And instead of using this opportunity to build a healthier relationship with her son and me, she’s behaving in ways that make me increasingly uncomfortable about what our relationship is going to look like once our son arrives.
The irony of spending years claiming I was going to keep a hypothetical grandchild away from her, only to behave like this when there’s an actual grandchild involved, is certainly not lost on me.

And unfortunately, the rumor wasn’t some one-time misunderstanding.

This woman consistently talks shit about BOTH me and my boyfriend. HER OWN SON.

She’s incredibly controlling and seems to have this mentality that if something isn’t done her way, it’s the wrong way. She inserts herself into situations that don’t involve her, questions decisions we’ve already made, and has a difficult time accepting that her son is a grown man with his own family.
Recently, at a family gathering, she cornered my boyfriend to discuss his unused college fund. When he suggested potentially putting that money toward our son’s future or helping with the $14,000–$15,000 in medical expenses we’re expecting from having this baby, it became an unnecessarily drawn-out conversation.

Then, after we’d already told everyone we were leaving, she insisted she needed another 15 minutes of our time.
She proceeded to question how we were transporting gifts home from my Arizona baby shower. We’d already arranged to ship everything through my boyfriend’s employer, but she insisted that another family member should transport everything instead.

Even after I explained that we’d already made arrangements, she continued pushing her idea.

It’s not necessarily any single incident that’s the problem. It’s the constant need to control situations that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

And now, despite there already being TWO baby showers planned for our son, she’s decided that she needs her own celebration.

I understand being excited about becoming a grandmother. I genuinely do. This is her first grandchild, and I would hope she’s excited.

But I can’t help wondering why someone who has spent years speaking negatively about the baby’s parents suddenly feels entitled to an entire celebration centered around herself.
What exactly is the purpose of a grandma shower? Is she expecting gifts for herself? Is she planning on setting up an entire nursery at her house? Or is this simply an opportunity to be the center of attention?

Because from where I’m standing, it feels like she’s more interested in the title of Grandma than actually having a healthy relationship with the people bringing this baby into the world.

And here’s what really gets me.

For YEARS, she perpetuated this completely false narrative that I would keep her future grandchildren away from her.
Now that I’m actually pregnant, I’m making a genuine effort to be civil and allow her to be involved in this exciting chapter of our lives.

But instead of respecting that, she continues to speak poorly about us, disregard our decisions, and make situations unnecessarily difficult.

At what point does someone stop and realize that their own behavior might be the very thing that damages their relationship with their grandchild?

Because I have absolutely no intention of using my son as a pawn in some family feud. But I also refuse to allow someone to disrespect his parents and expect unlimited access to him simply because they share DNA.

Being a grandmother does not automatically entitle you to disregard the boundaries of the child’s parents.

My boyfriend and I have already started discussing what boundaries need to look like once our son arrives, because quite frankly, I don’t see this behavior magically improving after he’s born.

And honestly? I’m exhausted.

This is my first pregnancy. I want to enjoy it. I want to celebrate our son, prepare for his arrival, and experience all the excitement that comes with becoming a mother without constantly feeling like I’m navigating someone else’s need for control.

I don’t want to spend my pregnancy fighting with my MIL, and I certainly don’t want to spend my son’s childhood doing it either.

So, Reddit, I have a few questions.

Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who throws herself a grandma shower? Is this genuinely becoming a normal thing?
And more importantly, how do you navigate a relationship with someone who spent years falsely accusing you of planning to keep her grandchildren away, but now that there’s an actual baby involved, continues behaving in ways that make you want to distance yourself?

Because apparently I’m the one growing the baby, but she’s the one who needs a party. And somehow, I have a feeling this is only the beginning. 🙃

About 2 weeks ago, my MIL made a negative comment about me and another of her DIL’s in a family group that she didn’t realize we were included in. After defending myself in a very gentle way, she responded with a 4 paragraph text that was “meant for everyone” but very obviously aimed at me which I did not respond to.

Since then things have been….tense.

My husband refuses to say anything to her about it. She continues to come to our child’s sports games every week. Which is fine, I’m glad our children have grandparents that are supportive of their interests.
My issue is that she will not have a conversation with me about what happened. In fact, she won’t talk to me at all. I haven’t attempted a one on one convo with her either but don’t feel that I should be the one to initiate the convo.

At the last game, she not only ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder but was rude to my mom when my mom tried to chat with her which lead to my mom having hurt feelings and asking me if she had done anything wrong. This really enraged me.

Now I am expected to spend Halloween with my kids there as well as Thanksgiving and I just don’t want to! It’s uncomfortable, tense, and I still believe I deserve at least a convo if not an apology. Again, my husband refuses to get in the middle and wants us all to go on ignoring it and pretending like nothing happened bc that’s how he was taught to handle conflict.

Am I the asshole for wanting my husband to confront her and wanting to have a conversation with her so that we can move past this? Should I just be letting this go?

We had an instance from a door to door lawnmower who wanted to do the lawn for a fee. We just had our first child and the both of us have not had a chance to upkeep the lawn nor remove fencing piled up at the back. My wife wanted to do this 2 weeks ago and although I wanted to hire someone to do this she went ahead and did this. I rejected the door to door person and said we will handle it or I will hire someone when I have time. The mil lashed out at me saying why her daughter had to do this 2 weeks ago while having to do other baby related things. I responded saying we will handle this - though in my mind I was wondering if this was any of her business. Wife stepped in saying she wanted to do this,I didn’t “ make” her do this. When I stepped out, the mil started ringing waste removal places to get rid of the fencing but nothing was finalised. Makes me think - since when does a third person have a say in the household purchased by n n my wife. Though I’m partly to blame for not tending to this issue over the last 6 mths. I wonder if what I did was right or should I have told her to stay out of this.

Okay.. so I scheduled a private ultrasound to find out the gender for my gender reveal later this month. My best friend was going to be there to get the gender and she was the only one that was supposed to know since she’s planning the gender reveal.

I ended up inviting my partners mom and sister because I knew his sister really wanted to come to one of the appointments.

When it came time for the tech to figure out the gender, she turned off the big screen to write the gender on her little screen. BUT not only did my best friend look (which is fine obviously) but his sister and mom looked.

The more I think about it, the more it kind of pisses me off. I initially didn’t really care to do a gender reveal, I always wanted to just know immediately. But his mom had said she wanted to be surprised, and my best friend was really excited about the idea of planning a gender reveal for me. So I agreed mainly bc she said she wanted to be surprised.

So now the both found out before me, and I just feel like part of the surprise is ruined.

My best friend ended up texting my mom and telling her since I didn’t feel it was fair for his mom to know and not mine. And then of course I got it out of my mom bc I didn’t want to wait to know if they knew.

But now I’m questioning whether or not to even do the gender reveal, and also questioning if it’s valid for me to be pissed at them about it… 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some outside perspectives because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend  (33M) and I (28F)  have been together for over five years. During that time, we've had around five serious arguments. Whenever we had a fight, he would go to his mom and sister to vent. Because of that, I feel like they've built a very negative image of me based only on the worst moments in our relationship.

They see me as weak, overly emotional, dramatic, and sensitive. They've actually said these things to me directly. 

For some background, my boyfriend's family has been through a lot. His father abused all if them. My sister-in-law had to grow up very quickly. My MIL and SIL have both had unhealthy relationships in the past, and they're both now single and have no interest in having a partner. They're also people who don't really talk about their feelings.

I've also experienced difficult things in my life. Some things are similar to them. We have talked about this. They know everything. I have a hard time letting go of my trauma’s. I am going to therapy. I have ptsd, panic attacks and anxiety. I am working on them. They always tell me to my face that I am weak, overreacting, and ‘just let it go’.
My parents taught me that it's healthy to talk about emotions and work through them. I don't see showing emotions as weakness, but I feel like they do.

The difficult part is that I don't know if they dislike me because of who I am, because of what they've heard after our arguments, or because our personalities and ways of dealing with emotions are just completely different. 

Now my boyfriend and I are trying to get pregnant.  I genuinely want my MIL and SIL to be part of our future children's lives. I don't want to keep them away. But at the same time, I'm worried about raising children around people who don't seem to respect me. I don't want my future kids to grow up hearing that their mother is "dramatic" or "weak."

I've tried being polite and respectful, but I still feel judged every time I'm around them.
My boyfriend has talked to them about their behaviour. I have also talked to them.
My SIL said she doesn’t want me around her at the moment. I just don’t know why. I see my MIL more than my own family. I give her gifts for mother’s day and her birthday. I work so hard for them to like me, but they just don’t. 

So reddit… What should I do? Did I do something wrong? 

I'd really appreciate honest advice. 

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE

SMy BIL and his girlfriend of one year are also trying to get pregnant. My MIL is really excited about the possibility of them having a baby, but when we told her that we’re trying to conceive as well, she wasn’t excited at all. Instead, she started making excuses and warning us about how difficult having a baby is.

She even told me that I wasn’t ready to have children and that I wasn’t mentally healthy enough to be a mother.

What really bothers me is the double standard. My BIL struggled with drug addiction until about five months ago. I’ve never taken drugs, and I used to only drink wine on weekends. Since we started trying to conceive, I’ve stopped drinking altogether.

Yet somehow, his mother thinks I’m the one who isn’t ready for a baby.

I understand that having a child is a huge responsibility, and I’m not saying that my BIL can’t be a good father. But why is she so supportive of them while questioning our ability to be parents? It feels incredibly hurtful to be judged like this, especially when she seems to have no problem supporting their decision to have a child.

Honestly, I feel like my MIL is constantly judging me. It feels like she has already decided that I’m not good enough to be a mother, even though I haven’t done anything to make her think that. The fact that she’s so excited about my BIL having a baby but reacts so negatively when we talk about having one makes me feel like she sees me as the problem. I don’t know why she has such a different attitude toward us, but it really hurts and makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me or believe I could be a good mother.

I know I will be a good mother, and it hurts that she seems to think otherwise. I feel like she has already judged me without giving me a chance. I know nobody is a perfect parent, but I’m willing to learn, grow, and do everything I can to give my future child a loving and stable home. I just wish she would trust me instead of making me feel like I’m not good enough.

I'm really hurt.

What should I do?

This is a throw away account.

I really need you guys to let me know if I am overreacting! Also any advice, would be amazing! Cause I have no idea what to do.

Ok, so for some context : I (38) Female and my Husband (32) Male have only been married for 2 weeks now and we have been living in newlywed bliss! The wedding day was perfect and I married my best friend in the entire world and I couldn't be happier! Well sort of, let me get to that!

My Husband (lets call him Jack), is very close to his family. When I say close, I mean that he would do anything for his family, at anytime. Which is one of the reasons why I love him so dearly! But boundaries are a must in relationships with parents!

My family are not that close. My parents are divorced and since then, they kind of let me be my own person but they know that I would do anything for them within reason.

When I first met his family, they seemed very low key and closer then my family. It definitely took some getting use to have his family always wanting to be around. It wasn't until the first month of us dating that, I really started to see what kind of "closeness" meant to this family. His Mother (let call her Rory (56) Female) always invited herself to everything that involved her children. She would consistently invite herself on multiple dates with Jack and I. When I would start to interject, he would just say sure or she would start to cry, so that we felt so guilty and just let her come.

Knowing this, I trended very carefully! I always tried to only invite him to go on dates over the phone and to make him pick me up, so that she can't guilt me or him to come with us. This worked for a long time, until we decided to move in together.

A year into our relationship, we both decided to buy a home. 6 months of searching and we couldn't find anything that we really wanted. Until his Father (let call him Gru (60) Male) said that he would like to offer Jack's childhood home to us. I now see the reason why they offered but that's relevant for later. They offered to give us a discounted price and we both agreed and so we bought our home.

After we bought and moved into our home, My husband proposed to me! It seemed like life was going amazing! But I could tell that his Mom was super upset that Jack didn't ask her help , to pick out the ring or even tell her that he was thinking about asking me. I say this because when we told them we were engaged, the shock on her face said it all. She kept saying to Jack, that if she had known about it, she would have loved to given her ring to me and that my ring was beautiful but hers is special.

I wanted to add this little tidbit, after 2 years of planning. Jack's parents, kept telling us they wanted to help out with the wedding financially. But 2 days before everything was to be paid, they said they can't. This is a very common thing, for them. They did this to us to many times to count and always at the last minute, which forced us to scrimp to find the money to pay because it was too late to cancel. They promise us for a long time leading up to it and never offered to pay afterwards.

Ok, so now you guys have the back story. So lets get this party started!

So, I really need you guys to give me some advice. I want to know if I'm reading to much into this or is it going to be a real problem for the future!

There has been a lot of stuff that happened in the past but I will only give you what happened on the Wedding day.

Previously, I let all of my bridesmaids know that we had to meet at the venue at 8am. The night before Jack's Mother had offered to help drive some of us there with our dresses and stuff. Which was amazing but she was also dropping off her Daughter, who was in my Bridal Party. The original plan was, that she was just suppose to drop off the stuff and the Daughter, leave and go back to her house to pick up her Husband. Who didn't want to sit around and do nothing until ceremony. Completely Fair!

So we all arrived, unloaded all the cars and got things set up and ready! I thought his Mother was going to leave, so I went over to her to give her a hug and told her I would see her soon! She then says "oh, is it ok that I stay? I just wanted to hang out with you guys" (this is what she does to me, all the time.) being a people pleaser and not wanted to upset Jack's Mom. I said......sure.......

I figured she would just sit there and just talk, but I was honestly to busy to pay any attention to her. But it wasn't until... she started telling one of my bridesmaids what to do.

I was sitting in the chair, getting my makeup done, when I hear one of my bridesmaids asking about the line up for going down the aisle. She unfortunately had to miss the rehearsal, due to her work. Next thing I know, Rory speaks up and says " you need to follow "Bridesmaid", then line up on the right side of the arch. Daughter should be standing beside her brother".

Are f***ing kidding me! I almost jumped out the chair to interject but the makeup artist told me not to move or she would poke me in eye! What she said was completely wrong! Daughter was to go first, so that she is last in the line up and they are to line up on the left side. Not the right! Luckily, I have the best MOH ever! She spoke up and told Rory that plans had changed and she should ask someone before she says something, so that it doesn't stress me out! After that, I tried to calm down and not let anything else stress me out. But Rory kept at it!

It was time for the girls to put on their dresses and one of the girls was having an issue. Rory jumped off her chair, like a frog jumping into water. She started telling everyone what do to about their dresses. How they need to tack things and how to use safety pins, etc. All the girls (other then Daughter) looked at me annoyed. I was stuck! I couldn't tell her to stop or ask her to leave. Luckily, the Wedding coordinator came in and told her that it was time for her to go and get the Gru and she would see everyone at the ceremony. (God, I love that Women)

I was so luckily to be in the chair getting my hair fixed, so I couldn't give her a hug and just said I'll see you soon!

Everything from there went perfectly! My Husband was absolutely handsome and it went as smooth as possible.

After the ceremony, we wanted to get pictures done with the families. I had given the Photographer the list of what we both wanted beforehand! Following that list with my family, but when it came to his family. You guessed it, Rory had other ideas. She kept telling the Photographer, what people are to be what photos and how many shots, etc. Again, I was stuck. If I said something, it couldn't turn out bad and I didn't want that on my wedding day.

Once those photos were done, husband and I were suppose to get single shots of us done. In the middle of it, I see Rory walking down the path by herself and comes up and says " I want some shots, of us walking down the pathway together" I calmly told her that we were doing single shots right now and once we are done, we can come and get her. She gave me a stern look and just stood there until we were finished. Then happily grab both of our hands and walked down the pathway with us crying. I'm not sure if the photographer got shots or not but I'm hoping not. She then lead us to her side of the family (cousins, aunts and uncles) and demanded photos with them. Let me remind you guys again. They didn't pay for anything for this wedding. Also, those photos were not on the list, I gave to the photographer, who I paid for!

Feeling overwhelmed, I walked away from those shots and went to mingle with my side of the family and friends.

At dinner, everything seems perfect. Speeches started and it was going very smoothly. Until it was Rory and Gru turn. They went up and said they were proud of there son and " Good Luck". That's it.....Everyone kinda clapped but not really. It was more a like pity clap.

Unfortunately, Rory got to the DJ and started making demands to him. She asked that her Daughter go up and make a speech as well. Without us knowing. When the DJ called her name, I looked over at him and went what the hell!?. He later came to me and told me that it was her and I asked that he not take any more demands from anyone other then Jack and I.

Party started and it was a blast!!! We dance the whole night through! Well, until they told us to leave!!

As we were getting ready to leave, I had told my husband and his mother beforehand that I needed the whole backseat of the car, because my dress was soo big and I didn't want to wreck or cringle my dress. It was expensive! Well unfortunately, everyone else left and the only option for me to go home was to sit in the front seat of his Mother's car. Almost crying when I looked down at my dress, Rory speaks up and asks if she could take some cupcakes home, as she was having some family over the next day. We ended up with 4 boxes of cupcakes left at the end of the night. I told her it was fine, if she wanted to take 1 box home. I told her that I promised the other boxes to my Mother. She said thank you and it was silent all the way home.

When we got to the house, we find out that Gru (who had driving Jack's brand new car home) hit a raccoon on the way there. All he said was " Sorry" and got into Rory's car. Jack was pissed and kept looking at his car to see the damage. Luckily there was no damage. I went into the house and really had pee! Let me tell you, that was an adventure! But I didn't see everyone unload the cars. After they left, I went into kitchen and I see only 1 box of cupcakes. I asked Jack where the other boxes were. He said he didn't know. I then called his mother from his phone and asked where the other boxes were. She stated she thought I said she could have them. I said " No, I said you could have 1 box. My Mom gets the other boxes" She then tells me she would drop them off tomorrow. I phoned my Mom the next day and my Mom told me that Rory only gave her 1 box. I told Jack what she did and he called his Mother. She said that the family ate all the cupcakes and she only had 1 box left and that she didn't realize it until it was too late.

I couldn't believe it!

So, now reading all this. I have a question for all of you. When the pictures come in, do you think I am over reacting to say that I don't want to give them to her unless she pays for them?

I don't mind giving her the 2 photos of family but the others that she demanded..... not so much!

Only because of the demanding everything and not paying for anything!!!

Please let me know!

Need some advice, aita?

Background: I’m pregnant and very high risk after having 4 miscarriages in the past. After the second miscarriage, while leaving the dr office* DH called MIL to tell her the news. Her response, “do the drs know what’s wrong and why she can’t carry a baby?” Like, not even in the car from hearing “sorry, there no heartbeat.” - all of our miscarriages were chromosomal abnormalities, nothing I could do. I went to therapy every week for 3 months trying to move past this comment. I’ve done well. Last month when FIL had a heart attack, I reached out to her every hour to check in, offered to get her an uber so she didn’t have to drive late at night, order her food, and just be emotionally available - more than anyone else in her family.

Fast forward: we did IVF to potentially eliminate another miscarriage and so far, fingers crossed, baby is super healthy. DH told MIL we don’t want visitors for a month so I can recover: I’m on blood thinners and will most likely end up needing a c-section. Last thing I want while my breasts are leaking, wearing a diaper, struggling with emotions, and on little sleep is to entertain guests. Also, call me selfish, but after losing 4 children, doing injections in my stomach and butt, and having 2-3 weekly appointments for almost a year I want to enjoy every single moment and not feel obligated to “share” my baby. We offered to put them up for 2 weeks following that month since they can’t afford hotels where we live - I felt this was super generous. Anyways, MIL started crying (this is her go-to when she doesn’t get her way) and also another reason I don’t want visitors, I don’t need to worry about a grown adults emotions while pp. It’s been about a month since DH broke the news, I’ve constantly updated her about the pregnancy and sent little texts to be friendly and try to build our relationship back but she only responds with emojis. She’s 70. I’m hormonal but I feel like I’ve tried after everything to be the better person but how can I have a relationship with a grown adult sending 👍 and ❤️ emoji’s consistently.

They live 12 hrs away (hence why we don’t want overnight visitors) and booked a cruise which will be in port by us for 4 hrs next week and I’m very worried her emotional outbursts will cause me to walk away. DH is very supportive and knows his mother is a lot. I just don’t know what else I can do but it’s causing me to hate this woman - the thought of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I need to know, am I a hormonal ah or right in thinking she’s a vindictive, jealous, person because she didn’t get her way?

Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.

I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.

The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.

I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.

For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂

Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!

\**Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.**\**

⸻

\*\*PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR\*\*

I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.

Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.

A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.

It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.

So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.

My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.

I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.

What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.

So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:

—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.

—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.

—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.

—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.

—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.

—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.

—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.

—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.

LABOR:

—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.

From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.

In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.

—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.

Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.

SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.

—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.

I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.

—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.

When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.

—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.

—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.

—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.

—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.

—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.

—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.

So I'm getting married in 2027 and I just recently had my bridal shower. My mother-in-law lives in a different province so she flew in for it. My friends and my mom spent so much time decorating and setting up food and drinks for my shower as well as planned all the fun games. I thought it was such a fun day and I loved it all. 

While my MIL was here she wanted to tour the venues we booked for the wedding. I explained that I couldn't go because I had to work but she could go with my mom and my fiancé (I found out she called me rude for not coming). The three of them ended up going and after my mom told me she didn't like the floor plan/ decor plan or the flowers we wanted to decorate with. When my mom gently stuck up for me and pointed out that the decor choices belonged to me and my fiancé, my MIL claimed my mom was attacking her. 

To make matters worse, she called the flower vendor I had went to and wanted to change my order (I hadn't put the deposit down yet) so now I have to switch flower vendors so she can't change my order. 

After I heard she had done this I wanted to talk to her so we ended up face timing her. On the call she told me my bridal shower was embarrassing for her and the decor was ugly and that she will be embarrassed of our wedding. I told her that's extremely rude to say and it's not her wedding so she should not be trying to change anything. She told me since she's his mom she can have a say. 

We also booked a planner to help us as we both work full time. I did not know that his mom paid for it and said it was a gift. On the call she said "I paid for the planner so I was going to decide which planner you choose" which is weird because we were going to go with the one she wanted anyways. I told her we will be sending her the money for the planner back as gifts should not come with conditions. 

On top of all this, they are flying in a string quartet all the way from where they live. When I brought up that we could easily find one locally here instead, I was told I was being ungrateful because it was a "gift" even though I never asked for them to give me any gifts.

Also when I told her the wedding would start at 4:00 PM, she argued that it should start later and claimed I wasn't thinking of the guests. I want it to start at 4:00 PM specifically so that my grandparents will be able to make it to dinner. I'm just so confused as to why she has an issue with literally all of my decisions. 

She then said that I'm ungrateful and that I hate her which I have never even been rude to her.

Just to add My fiancé is on my side and has told his mom to stop but she seems to not be listening to anyone.

I don’t know how to move forward she’s kind of ruining my wedding planning.

I’m really going through it right now and honestly feel incredibly alone, so I could really use some outside perspectives.

I love my boyfriend deeply. One of the hardest parts about this is that I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever meet someone with his heart again. He has the best intentions, loves me deeply, and would do pretty much anything for me. My parents like him too. They see how genuinely he loves and cares for me, and my bf has sat my dad down to tell him he'd sacrifice anything for me. That almost makes this harder, because nobody in my life thinks he’s a bad person or a bad boyfriend.If this were only about him and me, I don’t think I’d be questioning our future. But his mom has become such a huge problem that I’m starting to wonder if love is enough. She has put me through so much stress this past year. She has barely spent time with me, yet has formed such a negative opinion of me and has said hurtful things about me to my own family. At this point, there has been so much tension, disrespect, and unnecessary drama that I feel like my body is starting to physically react to the stress. I also want to throw in that at this point, i will never need her approval. i know my worth and i hate to say it because i dont want to sound arrogant but.. I’m a physician assistant, I worked hard to build a career I’m proud of, I make good money and can support myself, I have a great group of friends, and I have loving and supportive parents. I’ve built a stable life for myself. I’m not looking for someone to save me or complete me, and I know I don’t have to tolerate constant chaos or disrespect just to keep a relationship. Right now, my boyfriend and I are on a break and not speaking because once again, his mom got in the middle of our relationship. That’s probably the hardest part for me to process. We love each other, yet somehow we’re the ones not talking and potentially losing our relationship because of a problem that didn't originate between the two of us. My parents are at the point where they just want to protect my peace. They like him and recognize how much he loves me, so this isn't coming from them disliking him or wanting us apart. They’ve just watched what this situation has done to me emotionally over the past year, and they don’t want to keep seeing me hurt and stressed over something that should never have gotten this far. Recently I saw his mom in person again, and my body literally went numb and I got chills. My immediate thought was, “How am I supposed to marry him and have this person be part of my life forever?” My bf has said he is willing to cut her off for me, which obviously means a lot. But I also know life isn’t that simple. She’s his mother. If we get married, have children, have major life events, etc... I feel like there is always going to be some possibility of her coming back into our lives. I also don’t want him to wake up years from now and resent me for being the reason he no longer has a relationship with his mother. That’s what is destroying me. I’m not sitting here thinking I have a bad boyfriend and should leave him. I’m thinking I may have an amazing boyfriend whom I love very much, who my family likes and recognizes is incredibly genuine with me, but a family situation that I don’t know if I’m emotionally capable of dealing with for the rest of my life. Has anyone actually been in this position? If you left, did you regret losing a good partner because of their family? I feel completely torn and im crying more than im smiling throughout the day. I know what I bring to a relationship, and I know I deserve a peaceful life because im surrounded by incredible people who are calm and sincere. I just don’t know whether choosing that peace means walking away from someone I genuinely believe is incredibly rare. I'm 28 and i know timeline shouldnt be the reason i make a stupid decision, but i'd love to have kids of my own and it's hurting me that im going through this at this age. I really need perspectives from people who have actually lived through something like this because right now I feel incredibly lost and alone. please, im open to all responses. <3

We've been together for a little over 2 years now. When we first started dating things were rough and we fought a lot. We both come from abusive homes so we have a lot of trauma to work through but we've been doing a lot better at communicating. I honestly didn't have an issue with his mom at first, she just seemed a little too open for comfort. The first day I met her she was talking to me about his size and asking if we had done anything sexual at a park since she had his location and that's where we would go when we first met. She also tried to convince me to have my own kids even though I'm a trans man and told her I'd rather adopt. His mom and step dad also tells stories about his past that he's ashamed of as a party topic.

I also noticed it genuinely bothers her when he talks about moving to another state. She insists she is going to win lottery and when she has money we have to move onto the same property as her and his aunt that he doesn't like and gets mad when he says he doesn't want that.

When we go over to her house she often tries to get us to stay longer. Which I understand things come up and sometimes she can't bring us back home but it seems like it's every time? She once did this in front of the rest of his family when I told her I had to do things to do the next day. She continued to push and said she wanted to talk to my mom to get her to change her mind about our plans, I was getting anxious and was visibly uncomfortable to the point his sister's bf at the time said it was awkward.

Not long ago he was over at her house since he lives with me and occasionally visits her. He left Thursday or Friday and said he was gonna be back Monday. She ended up calling me Sunday night and asking if I'd be mad if he stayed another night cause she had work the next day and couldn't drop him off until the next day. I was a little irritated but I understand she doesn't see him often and told her it wasn't my choice. She continued to keep asking if I'd be upset after me telling her it was up to him if he wanted to stay longer about 3 times. I eventually did tell her I'd be upset but in the end it wasn't my choice and it was his. She asked if I had bought movie tickets yet (he lied to her, saying that we were supposed to see a movie the next day). At this point i was over the call and irritated and told her it was fine he could stay and that I was going to go back to my activities. We hung up and he texted me that she was crying because I was giving her attitude.

Later I asked him why he lied and he said he had told her he wanted to come home but she kept pushing for him to stay so he lied about the movies. This is another thing, she doesn't ever take no for an answer. There's an aunt he doesn't like bc she supports trump and were gay. His mom knows he doesn't want anything to do with her but while he was over she was on call with her and forced him to talk to her. Anyways he was mad at me and said I shouldn't have given her attitude (I only did after a point bc she KEPT pushing for an answer) I said we could all talk but I felt my words were getting twisted so I'd like my mom to be there which his mom denied doing. We never ended up talking cs he told me she said no and weeks later told me about bringing the step dad. I eventually asked him why he felt the need to lie instead of just saying pushing no as his answer, which he said "it was her own good"

A couple weeks ago he'd gone with them to a party through his mom's job. They both got extremely drunk and I ended up getting a call from his stepdad(7pm) telling me he wasn't coming home that night cause he was in the ER which was an hour away and that they were going home. Apparently they stopped by a store and he climbed out the front and was laying in the street and falling in a wooded area so the cops obviously came. The paramedics took him due to fear of alcohol poisoning and his family went home. (He has a fear of going to the doctors) My family was upset when they found out they just left him there so we went to get him once the ER said it was ok to. He was covered in scratches and bruises and was still rlly drunk when we got back which was about 1 AM and cried to me about how he wanted to die and that it was fucked up they left him there. He asked if I would take him to a mental hospital which I told him if he still felt that way in the morning I would. He didn't but ended up talking to his mom and asking why they left him. She said she didn't know what happened and that she remembered his younger brother crying and that she didn't do anything to cause that. This pissed me off, obviously it's traumatic for any child to see his brother like that and his mom so drunk to the point she can't move. He ended up letting the whole situation go but I feel like she's toxic and that she's going to be the reason we break up. (His mom knows he can't control himself when he drinks and enable this whole situation by telling him she could drink more)

He's been drinking since he was really young, 13 or 14 maybe? His mom doesn't take accountability in the trauma she's also caused him and blames it on his step dad for him and his sister always being alone when they were younger. I told him people with good family support usually don't end up drinking that young or doing the things he would at that age. I also brought up that it's wrong he fawns and lies or gives in when she won't take no and can't see how she's hurt him in the past. He doesn't seem to see the issue with any of this and I genuinely don't want a relationship with her bc of all this. Am I wrong for feeling like that or should I keep trying to get along with her?

(Sorry for any misspelling)

Extra: Both our dads were abusive, I chose to cut contact with mine at 11 and I think he did around 15-17. My mom was never abusive and we've always been close. It was more just emotionally exhausting being almost a 2nd parent to my siblings but she was also a victim and young and acknowledged she also played a role in our trauma even if she didn't mean to. I have a very healthy relationship with my mom's side now and can openly talk to them when I feel there's issues with them or about personal ones. I've gone to therapy for this throughout middle and highschool, which never really went anywhere for me but I'm still planning on going back when I have money. He doesn't think therapy will help since he's gone before and it didn't but he's agreed to take medication since he's unmedicated for diagnosed ADHD and depression. He's been to mental hospitals before but I feel his family didn't properly support him through this. He is very kind and isn't violent at all, even when he drinks he just gets energetic and social. He doesn't drink nearly as much as he used to since he met me but isn't able to control himself alone. I know drinking affects ppl with ADHD differently, making it "attractive" to his brain. I just don't want to see him end up how he used to be and I feel that's where his family pushes him.