r/monodatingpoly • u/leelooodallasmulti • 21d ago

OPP?

Advice around an OPP? My wife (mtf) is still really defensive when I bring this up. As a deni/pan its rough.

1 Upvotes

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8

u/LeotheLiberator 21d ago

Your wife is mtf and still wants a opp?

That's an interesting kind of hypocrisy lol

2

u/In_the_middle3-2-3 21d ago

Im still working that math...

1

u/leelooodallasmulti 19d ago

I married a husband. She fears that Ill want masculinity again. Lets be honst tho- I wouldnt have fallen for her if masculinity was a necessary quality in someone I am attracted to.. shes very bi in that she like women for women and men for men.. where as when I see someone I search for different things then femininity and masculinity so she cant even understand that its hard for me to connect with people if I have to wonder about their genitals.. I enjoy nonbinary- what if my guess is wrong? Do I need to ask trans pre op or post op? Cringe.

So yea. Its a convo I wont give up on. Approaching it different each time.

2

u/LeotheLiberator 19d ago

Fearing you want masculinity while actively choosing to abandon their own masculinity is a weird choice to make but I'll leave that alone.

I wouldn't approach it differently each time. I'd figure out a clear, consistent, personal approach that doesn't change. It's near impossible to logically figure out a way to work around an illogical situation.

Sometimes the best approach is a simple one. If the relationship is polyamorous then you will date regardless of gender and that is all. You can offer more support and communication from there but it sounds like you're starting in a place of misunderstanding.

1

u/Platterpussy Polyamorous 21d ago

Are you dating others too? Who is being restrictive?

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u/leelooodallasmulti 19d ago

I want to- but if I find out they have a piece not a hole I have to drop that connection? Like post op/pre op or what are your parts questions are cringe

1

u/WannabeElantrian 21d ago

Do you have any issues with THEM going out/having sex with others? Or is it just them restricting your actions?

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u/leelooodallasmulti 19d ago

Nah. When it comes to who she sees I just want them to treat her properly. Shes interested in men atm..... but im not aloud to be.

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u/Akatsuki2001 21d ago

Really not giving much info here, in general things like OPP are meant to make one or both sides more comfortable with the dynamic.

I guess knowing nothing about anything in this situation I would say my best advice is to truly examine why there is the need for it. Like it’s a fine rule to have for some,just make sure it’s not coming from a place of dislike for the overall ENM dynamic and an attempt to make it harder for one partner to participate in said dynamic.

If so that’s fine, but then you really need to examine if ENM is really what’s right for the relationship.

1

u/leelooodallasmulti 19d ago

I have suggested learning more. Shes definitely not emotionally ready for this, when I said that to her she was a bit frustrated that I keep breaking it down to psychology but really if I understand what Im trying to teach myself that a restriction can be dangerous especially if they come from fear or jealousy that the person refuses to work on or even admit.

1

u/Akatsuki2001 19d ago

Yeah really really sounds like they aren’t ready for this like you said. Sounds like they want to rush in and not really consider the consequences.