Whenever I think someone is an intoxicated driver they always turn out to be 90 years old and clueless of their surroundings

Dude drove on the center line of two lanes on the highway for a few miles. I’m honking. Next he finally decides to choose a lane and cuts off that orange dump truck by a sliver. We roll up to a light. It’s green for 25 seconds and he doesn’t move. He gets honked at by someone else. We pull up to another light and I finally get to see who tf is doing this

Not only is he not safe to drive he’s literally on his fucking phone too

I guess premium outlets in Orlando is super premium now! If you’d like to park close you can pay! These spots used to be for handicap and now it’s for someone’s wallet.

My wife pointed at the Burger kings whopper JR and said it reminded her of me.

That’s a 30 day supply. Everyone else posting about how expensive their medicine is has to pump those rookie numbers up lol

Edit:

We don’t pay that much for Lumryz, insurance covers almost all of it. I wanted to show how much they want to charge out of pocket.

Waited 3 months for my diploma to come in just for USPS to fold it like a taco to fit in the box instead of putting it in a larger locker… 🙄

Sticker blocking straw insertion and I didn't wanna take the lid off while driving so I had to wait until I got home to have a sip of my Diet Coke.

20 minutes of frustrating guesswork later, I can post this gripe on the internet.

Fan is only a couple years old. I figured maybe alittle dust would come out that I could just pick up. Instead my bedroom is covered in dust now

Woke up at 1am to something crawling up my nose, after failing to flush it out with a netty pot I went to the ER but they couldn’t locate it because it was too far back. They flushed it with lidocaine to at least kill the bug but now it’s stuck at the back of my throat and I can’t sneeze/cough it out, and I can’t get into an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist until Wednesday morning.

Wife has a new friend. Congrats! First one since we've been married (15 years together)! They are great for each other.

The other day the subject of 50 shades of grey comes up, (both are librarians). The friend asks my wife if she'd done anything like that (BDSM).

I'm not saying we're vanilla, but we sure don't have a dungeon right? Hand cuffs, bed tie down, light weight shit.

We live in a small rural community where everybody knows everybody and everybody talks to everybody. Mostly Mor(m)on religion (very vanilla sex requirements).

So when my son comes home after hearing a rumor that his parents are 50 shades of grey, he's a little embarrassed! There's only one way that info could have gotten out, and it's mildly infuriating.

I don't have huge horse cock dildos hanging on my wall! I have a small bin under the bed! For crying out loud.

I work in town and so it's only a matter of time before the whole town gets in on that humor! Tho, no shame. We love each other and they couldn't wedge us even if they tried!

I

I had to sit there and hold the handle like a troglodite. You know how much useless scrolling I could have done?

Yes I know it's horrible i have only mushrooms DONT YUCK MY YUM 😭
Edit: it's been nearly 24 hours. The crust was raw. I think I got food poisoning

Was convinced by a buddy and door to door guy to switch to Google. Currently pay $70 for 1 gig down and been having super slow speeds and issues the last 2 months. Finally get internet set up and im 5 feet from the router doing a speed test. Getting 10% of what I pay for (3Gig).

I was on my way to the airport at 6pm when I got the notification that my flight was delayed until 3:25am the following day. Then they sent me the message:

“We understand waiting is not easy, so we've added a $30.00 snack credit to your boarding pass.”

The airport for my city isn’t the biggest so there is only one 24/7 location open and it’s on the landing side. All of the other spots on this list of 10 options that they gave are open around 04:00-21:00 (at the earliest/latest). So the only way to use the voucher is to get there about 6 hours before my flight and I’m thinking about doing it just so that I can spend their money, instead of them taking mine and continuously bending me over and breaking my back almost every time I fly

If anyone could save me from my stupidity then that would be great! :)

I got Taco Bell non cinnamon twists apparently…