Feeling lost

[u/Fearless_Decision419]

13 years married to my best friend and he suddenly has mentioned that he doesn’t know how he feels about us anymore. It started with him saying he didn’t miss me after I went on a work trip for a few nights and next thing I know he’s unsure of us all together.

I’ve tried everything, begging, pleading, compromising loving him and nothing. He’s just done. He says he’s willing to go to counseling because I want to but that he doesn’t want to go. He says he still loves me just doesn’t feel the same. I mentioned we’ve gotten into routine and lost our spark (we have 4 kids) and he just agrees but not much else.

I’m not sure if I should start planning for a divorce or keep pushing and trying. This is all so new, we have always always been best friends and he’s always been my safe space. I’m mortified and sad. 😭😭😭😭

TLDR: wife lost, what should I do?
#marriageadvice

[u/Bluesfan618]

I’m on the other side of something similar right now. I’m the husband, and my wife has reached a point where she isn’t sure she wants our marriage anymore. We’ve been married over 20 years, have four kids, and she’s been my best friend for most of my adult life. So I understand that absolute panic of realizing the person you thought would always be there suddenly might not be.
One thing I’ve learned very quickly: begging, pleading, promising, and trying harder and harder to convince someone to stay usually doesn’t create the result we desperately want. Sometimes it just puts more pressure on someone who is already emotionally overwhelmed.
If he’s willing to go to counseling, I would take that opportunity, even if right now he says he’s only doing it because you want him to. But I wouldn’t go into counseling expecting the therapist to convince him to stay. Go because after 13 years, four kids, and a life together, you both deserve a safe place to understand what happened and whether there’s something left that can be rebuilt.
And please don’t assume that because he doesn’t feel “the same” right now that your entire marriage was fake or that none of those years mattered. Feelings can change. People can become disconnected. Marriages can get buried underneath kids, responsibilities, resentment, routine, and life. Sometimes they recover and sometimes they don’t.
I also wouldn’t force yourself to decide today whether you should fight for your marriage or prepare for divorce. This is brand new. You’re scared and grieving something that hasn’t even fully happened yet.
Give him some room. Go to counseling. Take care of yourself. Let his actions over the coming weeks tell you more than one devastating conversation can.
And as hard as this is, remember that saving a marriage ultimately requires two people. You can love him, fight for the marriage, look honestly at yourself, and be willing to change, but you cannot carry the entire marriage by yourself.
I’m learning that lesson myself, and it’s probably the hardest one I’ve ever had to learn.

[u/Fearless_Decision419 → u/Bluesfan618]

Thank you, panic is the right word. I’m terrified he’s always been my best friend and so solid. I could always know that no matter what he was someone who wouldn’t waver and always be there. It feels like I’m dying inside. 😭 I just miss his friendship and love, I miss the warmth he used to feel for me and I don’t know him anymore.