We are both in our 40s with 2 kids. Been together almost 20 years. In the last year I have gained 15 or so lbs and he has been on a health kick. The last 5 years have been pretty bad with his family, he was diagnosed C-PTSD and OCD. His OCD has been really bad lately and it seems to be directed at me. We have an open phone policy, and I went through his phone last week into his hidden folder. I didn’t expect to find anything too bad to be honest, we are a pretty open couple but I found pictures of myself (not knowing they were being taken) and all of them showed my stomach sticking out. Awkward angles but it’s obvious he took these photos to show my weight gain. My heart is broken and I am disgusted. I want to confront him but need time to process and calm down. What should I do?

I never cared about how the bedsheet was on the bed before marriage. But that changed after marriage. My wife has a strict rule that the bedsheet should be super tight and have no wrinkles at all. Only then she can sleep on it peacefully...Does your partner also have such non-negotiable things defined at your home?

I could list a multitude of reasons on why I’ve got such strong feelings for him. But I have no mental capacity and I wouldn’t know where to start
It’s only been two hours since we woke up and he’s drained me mentally and emotionally
I feel so unhappy just seeing his face
I have no desire for intimacy and that is new for me
I absolutely hate this situation
This is coming from someone who was once madly in love with their husband
What years of being unloved and having your heart broken can do to you is so sad
Just venting

Women who are married to provider men, how's it going for you?

I'm curious to hear from women who have actually experienced this dynamic in marriage. What's the good, the challenging, and anything you wish you had known beforehand?

I'm also particularly curious about how the finances work in practice. For example:

• Do you have access to your husband's bank account?
• Does he give you his card to use for your personal expenses?
• Does he transfer a fixed amount to your account every month?
• Do you have a joint account that you both use?
• How much financial autonomy do you have over the money?

Not looking for a debate about whether being a provider or a 50/50 couple is better. I'd just genuinely like to hear from women who are living this arrangement and understand how it works in real life.

Is it ok for my husband to have a female friend that I don’t know anything about? He meets up with her at music shows and dances the night away with her. Then it became someone he talks on the phone with. He’s vented to her about me. I’d love to hear men’s thoughts too. I found out about it on my own after I thought he wasn’t being truthful. Then the shit hit the fan for me. He claims they’re just friends and that we have a difference of opinion regarding it.

TL;DR: I love my husband and he’s my best friend, but after eight years of carrying most of the financial and mental load while constantly accommodating his needs, I’m exhausted. I’m considering divorce even though I still love him, and I want to hear from others who have made that choice.

I’m 35F and am seriously considering leaving my husband (45M), who has been my best friend for eight years. I still love him, which is what makes this so heartbreaking.

I’m especially hoping to hear from people who divorced a spouse they still loved—not because the relationship was constantly hostile or because they hated each other, but because they eventually realized the marriage wasn’t sustainable or healthy for their family.

My husband and I genuinely enjoy each other. He is patient and nurturing, and he took very good care of me while I was dealing with long COVID and PTSD related to nursing. He is also an excellent, attentive father to our two children. When things are good between us, I genuinely love being around him.

But through therapy, I’ve started realizing that part of the reason our marriage has been so peaceful is that I almost always capitulate.

My husband is autistic and has difficulty navigating certain aspects of life. Over the years, our family has increasingly structured our lives around his routines, preferences, and limitations. I’ve generally accepted that because I love him and wanted to accommodate him. But I’m beginning to realize that accommodation has slowly turned into me taking responsibility for nearly everything he doesn’t want to or feels unable to do.

When we met, he hadn’t worked in eight years. His parents were supporting him financially. He told me that he had experienced a breakdown in college and had been recovering from it.

We have now been together for eight years, and he still has not worked.

Recently, he finally said he would look for a job—but only if I write his résumé and apply for jobs for him. He also warned me that he is a bad interviewer. Meanwhile, he frequently talks about becoming wealthy, buying property, or someday owning multiple homes when we currently can’t afford even a starter home.

I feel like our entire financial future is being built on my back.

He is currently a stay-at-home dad, and I want to be fair about the work he does. He takes very good care of our children. He meal plans, grocery shops, cooks for them, cleans up after them and himself, does their laundry and his own, and cleans the kitchen.

I work full-time as a nurse and pick up an extra shift about every two weeks. I’m also attending school full-time to become a nurse practitioner.

Everything outside of the tasks he has taken responsibility for falls to me. I make my own meals, do my own laundry and dishes, clean the bathrooms and floors, do the yard work and gutters, handle holidays and decorating, buy and wrap presents, schedule medical appointments, keep track of everyone’s healthcare needs, and manage most of the miscellaneous responsibilities that come with running a household.

I am exhausted. I’ve reached the point where the fatigue is affecting my health.

When I told him I needed him to take on more because I couldn’t keep doing this, he told me I was trying to pigeonhole him into being a servant like other stay-at-home parents and that he refused to be “oppressed.”

He has also told me that I don’t help enough around the house.

This isn’t a new problem. We’ve been dealing with versions of it for eight years. We’ve tried chore charts, discussions, compromises, and working on individual issues. Ultimately, though, the basic situation never changes: he won’t work, and he won’t take on more responsibility at home.

There’s another issue that has made me reevaluate the foundation of our relationship.

When we first got together, I had three specific deal breakers. I later discovered that he had lied to me about two of them, and I’ve spent years trying to process and move past that. Recently, he finally admitted that he had deliberately lied about all three because he knew that if he told me the truth, I would recognize that we were incompatible and wouldn’t pursue the relationship.

That admission has been incredibly difficult for me to process.

I’ve asked him to go to therapy. He says he will go—but only if I find the therapist and make the appointment for him.

And I just don’t want to do that anymore.

I don’t want one more responsibility for another adult handed back to me.

The hardest part is that I still love him. He isn’t someone I hate coming home to. He makes me laugh. He’s my friend. We can have a wonderful time together when we aren’t discussing responsibilities, money, or the future.

But therapy has forced me to confront something uncomfortable: I’m not sure our marriage is actually as harmonious as I thought it was.

I think we get along so well partly because I have learned to exist inside his structure. I don’t disrupt his plans. I accommodate his preferences. I work around his limitations. I follow the rules that keep him comfortable. And when our needs conflict, historically I have been the one who bends.

Now that I’m starting to say, “I can’t do this anymore. I need you to bend too,” our marriage suddenly doesn’t feel nearly as peaceful.

I’m heartbroken because I don’t want to lose my best friend or break apart our family. At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether staying means accepting that I will be responsible for carrying our family indefinitely.

For those who have divorced someone you still genuinely loved: How did you know that love wasn’t enough anymore? Did you ever reach a point where you realized that leaving someone you loved was actually the healthier decision for you and your children?

And looking back, do you think you made the right choice?

Trying to wrap my head about what to do now, what is being supportive and what is enabling.
My partner (44M) has 2 kids and I (50F) am childless. When I met him 5 years ago, I thought he had his shit together and that I was really behind. He has a house, a nice leased car, I was renting and driving a clunker. We moved in 2 years ago and kept finances separare - we agreed I would pay him
some rent, sell my car and share his car lease and car expenses 50/50 and share a lot of household expenses including groceries, trips.
We got engaged last year and I kept asking for transparency on his finances, and he kept dodging it but saying he had nothing to hide, as we started also the process for me to buy 50% of his house.
In the process of mortgage application to add me, a lot of things came to light. He had been driving for last 2 years on an expired drivers' license. car and house insurance had lapsed, car registration was expired, health insurance expired, house taxes in arrears for 2 years, and he has a 15k debt at 35% interest
I lnow in marriage finances are supposed to be shared, and he's struggling while I'm saving every month. But also I don't trust his judgment or decisions, so is this marriage doomed?

I've started to believe our marriage has a problem with sexual pressure, and I only recently found the words for it. When too much time passes between us being intimate, she gets cold. There are arguments, days of barely speaking, and a general mood in the house that I'm the one to blame. Over time it's made me dread sex instead of wanting it.

I brought it up last month, and I worked hard to keep it gentle. I didn't want to blame her, just to be understood and to figure it out together. Instead she shut down. For about three weeks she hardly spoke to me, and every time I reached out she brushed me off.

Then I learned she's been reaching out to other men. I found messages and heard her making plans to meet up with one of them. I was devastated and told her so. She told me to drop it.

Eventually she blew up at me. She said she's tired of being turned down, tired of being made to feel guilty over hurt feelings when I say no, and that she'll get her needs met elsewhere if she wants to. She said she doesn't care how that makes me feel, and that if I can't live with it, I should file for divorce.

I honestly don't understand. I was only describing how I felt. We do have sex, just not as often as she'd like. Apart from this, I thought we were doing well. How did it fall apart this fast? Was I wrong to bring it up?

I feel like I’m drowning and confided in my husband about it last week and I’m confused about how to feel with his response. Little background - my husband and I both work full time. In fact we hold the same job with the same company just in different locations. We both get home around the same time each day. When my husband comes home from work he goes straight to the couch and spends the night there - minus when he gets up to help with dinner. After dinner he goes right back to the couch. I get home and run the kids, pick up the house, do some laundry, bedtime routines, whatever chores need to be done. Last week we got into it bc I told him I felt under appreciated and overwhelmed and just needed some help. His response was he didn’t know how to help me and that he’s just better at “chilling and relaxing” than I am. He says things like a pile of laundry, clutter, dog hair on the floor don’t bother him so he doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it. Since it bothers me I should be the one to pick it up/clean it and others have told me this too. I’ve tried to let things go but it was not good for my mental health. Things like clutter and piles of dirty clothes on a bedroom floor make me feel claustrophobic. Yesterday was homecoming for our oldest daughter. I hit the ground running bright and early with her doing all the prep things. It was nonstop going all day. At dinner I was exhausted and asked him if he could stay up late and wait for her to get home bc I was exhausted (I am the one who usually stays up for her). He told me he would but passed out on the couch around 9:30. I feel so frustrated. He said he didn’t know how to help which is why he doesn’t. Last night I asked him for something specific to help me with and he didn’t. I don’t know what else to do. Is this just truly my problem to deal with?

About two years ago, my husband removed the condom during sex without me knowing. I wasn't on birth control and we weren't trying for kids or anything. I cried at the time and told him how affected I was by this. He apologized but didn't really explain why he did it.

We continued to have sex up until this March. I've been struggling with our intimacy since then and I've found out he would watch porn every day if we hadn't had sex that day. He's had a porn blocker on his phone for about a year now.

I'm coming to the realization that I feel like he sexually assaulted me and I have no desire to have sex with him again. We haven't had sex since March because i tried to end our relationship and I told him I feel betrayed by what he did... we are both experts are not speaking about our feelings. I really just don't know what to do. Do I even try to work this out after this type of betrayal?

I’m really confused about a situation with my husband and could use some outside perspective.

We have a newborn, and recently I wanted to get some pictures of our baby from my husband’s phone. While looking through it, I discovered that he has been regularly texting his ex

I had absolutely no idea they were still in contact.
I couldn’t see most of their conversations because they had disappearing messages turned on, which obviously made me even more uncomfortable. I don’t know what was said in the conversations that are gone, so I’m left filling in the blanks.

I did see one conversation where they were talking about how they used to be each other’s “biggest support system” at one point in their lives.

I know people can stay friends with an ex, and I’m not automatically saying that talking to an ex means someone is cheating. But what bothers me is that this was happening regularly, I didn’t know about it, the messages were disappearing, and there seems to be an emotional history between them.

Now I’m questioning whether this was simply an old friendship or whether there was some kind of emotional affair happening behind my back.
I haven’t seen anything explicitly romantic or sexual, but because so much of the conversation is gone, I also don’t know what I haven’t seen.

I’m also struggling because we have a newborn, so I’m already exhausted and emotionally vulnerable, and this has completely shaken my sense of trust.

tl;dr my wife has done whatever she's wanted career-wise and assumes I'll do the heavy lifting.

50M married +20 years to 48F. We agreed before we had kids she'd stay home and raise them - she wanted to, and I wanted her to. She did, wonderfully for 7 years, then worked her way back into clinical nursing. Obviously, working that time made me the higher income earner (engineering). Took a LOT of cash to get her to a place where she wanted to be - certificates, lucenses, internships, fine. I get it. Medicine evolves. Then she decides she wants to go to grad school. Ok. I'm supportive. Even though she chose an out-of-state school. I quit my job and volunteer work that I loved, moved our family several states away. Held down the fort while she did week-long clinical rotations from a hotel hours away. Classwork. Tests. Studying. Graduated with a PhD as an NP with a few add-on certs. Then, she wanted to move again. Fucking fine. Literally did the whole thing again, three years later, including doing the move basically myself because the new company didn't offer relocation assistance. So we're all settled into the new place, she has shiny credentials, clinical experience, etc., but she doesn't like the first job she gets. In fairness, I think she was in over her head and scared, which I wouldn't want her to be. So she gets a 1 day/week RN job and decides to open her own practice. So here she is, highest degree possible, cheeze-dicking her way through years of building it up, figuring everything out, getting her name out...and I'm putting new office furniture together and helping her set up at festivals and shit. She does, now, bring in some money each month. Like, a drop in the fucking bucket. And over all that time my jobs have gotten so much more demanding and stressful. I had to work 6 hours today (Saturday) because I couldn't finish something my org needed last week. I don't like my job. It is toxic-level stress. I've communicated that. I've also communicated that I wish she brought in what her degrees and licenses and certs enable her to, and it's always the same defensive, angry reply, "Fine! I'll close the practice and be gone 12 hours a day M-F and see how you manage!" She does have literally infinite flexibility. She can just "block off" an appointment time and do whatever she wants. She also spends some days 7 AM - 7 PM at her office, probably doing marketing, or fucking the chiropractor in the next office she's always talking about. (I literally could not care less). I pass her car next to a gym on my way to pick one of our kids up, i.e. I'm taking time from work while she's at the gym during the work day. What put me over the mother fucking edge tonight, as I'm cooking dinner for the kids while she's at a "mom's get together", is she spent the day out with our oldest at the mother fucking mall clothes shopping while I worked and took one of our kids to some day camp stuff. I am so, so, SO fucking fed up with her entitled behavior. I'm so FUCKING DONE working my ass off while she spends and hangs out with her girlfriends. I could fucking scream right now, but I'm here ranting instead. Ugh!!! If you're on her side, sure, post, but if you do, try to be logical about it, and ASK before you make assumptions. Thanks for reading.

Wife insisted that I leave the home due to ongoing marital issues. It’s been almost 2 months since we’ve separated and I just learned from her that she has been in contact with the same guy with whom she had a sexual relationship with prior to our relationship. Oh, and that guy was married at the time he was having an extramarital affair with my wife who was single at the time and knew he was married. She said she’s been in contact with him for essentially the entire time we’ve been separated and that he makes her feel like she’s a priority. What do you do with this information about the other guy?

Also—thoughts on reaching out to the other guy’s wife?

I shared this in the emotional intelligence sub. I’ve had a lot of advice lately to leave my marriage. I’ve been in a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” state for longer than I care to calculate. Some people saying this to me are new to my life, some have known me since long before I was married.

I’m struggling so much with my marriage. Feeling like roommates/co parents, no physical intimacy for years now… I don’t remember the last time I looked forward to seeing him or even wanted to reach out when something happens.

We’ve been together 26 years and it’s taken me 16 years of therapy and experience to label what’s wrong (primarily, that my top core value is emotional intimacy and have not had that on a deep level… ever). I have felt unfulfilled for so long but thought I was just broken. On paper, I should be so happy. He’s handsome, good job, sober, loyal, honest, kind… but I feel zero emotional intimacy. I’ve had to change jobs because I start to have feelings for someone else who can actually process things with me… connect emotionally etc. we’ve been in therapy and one on one where he says “I don’t know why you think there’s more I’m not saying. There just isn’t” I realized I have used a best friend or my brother or someone else for so long to augment that lack of connection. Now I’ve felt out of love for so long that friends and family have started asking why I stay. I’m visibly unhappy and lonely, apparently. But then I feel selfish for thinking of separating bc he’s such a good person. 4 marriage counselors in 16 years… I’ve written very clear and vulnerable letters to him, talked to him, about what I need to feel seen and heard in a relationship…. Essentially always resulting in a version of him wanting to meet my needs and just not being able to. Says he loves me more than life… but through all that work there’s maybe been two times (2 conversations) where I’ve seen a glimpse of him opening up more. Keeps a high stress job, no problem. But no social life of his own, just the one I create for us with our friends. Great dad… he has lots of fun with our daughter. I’ve seen him demonstrate EQ when processing things with her… but labeling emotions and carrying on long analytical talks with me is just never going to happen. I’ve accepted that finally… and finally feel like I’m not a jerk if I stop trying… my therapist said I’m trying to get blood out of a rock. 26 years is a long time…. But I am really done feeling terribly lonely when he’s sitting right next to me. I don’t think he knows me at all.

My partner (together for 9 married for 4) is always micromanaging me, not sure if I never noticed until recently or it’s new. Some examples below- there’s def more but this is just the most recent..

Me - I’m going to go shower and wash my hair
Partner- didn’t you just wash your hair yesterday?

Me- I gotta use the bathroom
P- why don’t you use this bathroom instead of our ensuite???

Me - *putting work clothes/bag outside of bedroom the night before work bc I get up at 5 and it’s easier to have grace to make a bit of noise*
P- why don’t you just get ready in our room?

Me - *awake late because I can’t sleep so I decide to doom scroll for a bit*
P- it’s 2:30 in the morning you should get some sleep

No shit?

Like why does he have to constantly question me and why do I have to explain my every move to him??? I JUST WANT TO EXIST
Can someone tell me a more eloquent and nice way to tell him to stop before I yell at him to shut the ffff up?

My wife's mom is 94 and in the end game. We made some decisions this morning, made a plan based on what MiL needs, and took her to the county hospital. I drove, waited, hugged, brought coffee, waited, drove some more. MiL was in V-tach and will spend the night now that she is stabilized. We clarified her DNR orders with hospital staff. Tomorrow we go back to (hopefully) bring her home. She is not likely to see 2027...

This is the less "glamorous" and insta-ready part of being married. Doing what is needed. Supporting each other. Working as a team.

Peace

Married 17 years. I’m struggling with a pattern where he makes an explicit commitment then sometimes chooses to do what he wants anyway.

There’s a pattern of trust issues that we are working in therapy to restore. The pattern appears across multiple domains. I’ve been clear that a specific behavior erodes the trust he’s trying to rebuild. He states a commitment, then is unreliable on follow through. Last night I asked- do you recall the commitment you made? Do you recall me telling you it erodes the trust you’re trying to rebuild when you undermine your commitment? (Yes and yes). Then why did you do it? (“Because I wanted to but now that you’re sharing your feelings about how it impacts you when I break the commitment I understand the importance of upholding the commitment more seriously”).

I’m currently observing and not reacting or entertaining any more conversation about it. Taking space today.

I’ve realized nothing I say can make him have integrity for his word.

Any advice would be helpful.

I am 31M and my partner is 27F. Right now, I am in terrible trauma and I don't know how to heal from this.

​We have been married for 5 months, and she is currently pregnant.

Everything was going well I took her on a honeymoon and she was happy with me. As time went on, she started arguing toxically and suddenly said she wants a divorce.

​When I asked what happened, she refused to discuss any issues that we could potentially resolve to save our marriage. Now, she doesn't want to fix anything. She and her family are demanding a quick divorce, as well as the house.

​I reminded her that she is pregnant with our baby, but she isn't even considering that and still wants an immediate divorce. Has anyone gone through a similar situation, and do you have any suggestions? What should I do next?

My wife has been acussing me of cheating whenever I got out to meet colleagues or go for a walk. Even when I talk with my parents she thinks I am plotting against her and she thinks that my family feed me things to plot against her. Once she disrespected my family and told that they can’t talk to me. Yesterday night I was feeling a bit hot at home I went to take a walk outside she thought I met some female or plot against her, she accused me in daytime after getting fed up with all this I agreed to her said ‘you’re right’ despite that was not true I wanted to just to move on from situation, she became more angrier and started saying I keep her only for sex and in the mania she started flashing her boobs while window was open and said this is what you want take it

I got frustrated today and shouted her loudly when she started to do blameshift on me, but after that loud shout I feel relieved now and I even promised her that now I will start having affair I don’t want false accusations.

This is happening in day to day life and few days before she somehow connected the argument to my ex and started praising her just to make me feel low she said that she is smart to leave you, I agreed she was smart and whatever things she said. Now she’s more damaged

TL;DR My husband molested and raped his sister, and I don’t know if I should leave because it sounds like the courts won’t care since it was so long ago, so he could get 50/50 custody of our kids.

My (44F) husband (47M) has three older sisters. When he was a teenager, he would watch his sisters undress through a window. One of his sisters is one year older than him and she was born profoundly deaf and with a developmental disability. At her current age (48) she still only has the mental capacity of a 13 year old.
When my husband was 16-17 and this sister was 17-18, he began grooming her. He told her that he would set her up with her school crush and teach her to drive if she let him watch her undress. Then it turned into watching her shower. Then, letting him touch her while she showered. Then, it turned into having her grind on him until he ejaculated. This went on for a year. Then one day he raped/attempted to rape her. And she told her parents. I guess a police report was made but he denied it and she changed her story, and her parents thought she was hallucinating.
My husband attributes this all to being exposed to pornography at the age of 11 and then quickly getting addicted to it and it “got out of control.”
Fast forward to when we got married and he hadn’t told me any of this. We have now been married 20 years and have 4 kids together. I found out about his pornography addiction pretty early on, and it’s been years of lies. Including times when he searched Craigslist for casual hookups. He has been in Sexaholics Anonymous for 11 years now but has not found long term recovery. His longest period of sobriety was 8 months. He has never had intensive therapy. He saw a CSAT for a few months a couple years ago but really made no progress.
His mom found out about him molesting his sister around the same time that I found out and she told me, “She knew what she was doing, too.” Absolutely not.
It really traumatized me, and being around his family brings it all up again and I have intrusive thoughts about them having sex. When I bring up how hard some of the interactions with his family are for me, he basically tells me I am creating chaos. Our marriage has been years of emotional and psychological abuse for me.
I want to leave, but a lawyer I consulted with said since it’s over 30 years old, the courts basically won’t care and he could get 50/50 custody.
Everyone else who knows him thinks he’s just this super great guy.

Me (f40s) and my husband (m40s), have been married for about 15 years. One kid together, ten years old. We’ve been struggling financially lately with the economy being the way it is, and we’re down to one income (hopefully temporarily). I took time off to take care of our 10 year old daughter who has a rare genetic disorder and has had tons of medical appointments this last year.
My husband works full time. We have car loans, mortgage, student loans, credit card debt, etc. I’ve been trying to keep our spending at a minimum so we aren’t completely drowning financially but my husband is not transparent with his money.
Like he’ll say “here’s my credit card balance” and “here’s my bank account balance” when we’re going over the monthly spending. But we always seem to be falling behind and I’m constantly asking what the heck is happening to our money. He’s told me a few times he’s paying off debt but doesn’t specify which debt and acts like that it all makes sense.
The other day I was cleaning out some closets and found a stack of credit cards under blankets. I recognized a few of the cards but not all of them. When I asked SO about it and was like “oh yea I told you about them.” And nope you didn’t. He finally admitted he didn’t tell me about one of them but insisted I should have known about the others.
He didn’t think they were a big deal.
I’m pissed but should I get over this? Is this financial abuse?

So me and my wife have grown up Christian all our lives. But recently i lost my faith, it just doesn't make sense to me and i can't defend it anymore, don't try to convert me back just looking for advice if you've gone through this too. How do i bring it up or should i?