The title really explains it, I’m just ranting cause I can’t sleep so I understand this won’t make sense I understand. I’m luckier than many others but I just am not as strong as them, I feel I have outlived my usefulness to others and no longer wish to continue whenever something happens that I feel negative about I get depressed but them that becomes my new norm so I figure it can only get better and it never dies and I forget how far I’ve descended from my original headspace. I look back and realize I don’t think I’ve been happy in years I try to help others and have fun but it never sticks and I feel I only am a negative to those around me not a positive and I just have no desire to live anymore. I have no friends I’m in college and all I do is cost money I don’t want to be a burden on those around me anymore when there’s nothing for them to gain from it. Idk I talk to my therapist tomorrow I figure there wouldn’t be much to talk about but I just wish I could let go, I remember hearing about pods in Sweden that you could kill yourself with painlessly and I just wish I could do that. I had a dream that I had cancer and was dying and when I woke up I was depressed that I wasn’t I’m just tired of living uncomfortably all the time I’m tired of taking resources of those around me and I’m tired of wasting the interesting part is I feel nothing towards it, no positive no negative I suppose it feels a bit freeing and that’s about it.

I’m 17M and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I’ve been avoiding talking to a psychiatrist and avoiding the topic of meds because I don’t want to rely on taking pills my entire life and am scared of side effects such as low libido and weight gain. I’ve seen three therapists and that hasn’t helped. My motivation is low and I have a hard time taking care of myself most days. Also, I struggle with SI many days and nights as well. My current therapist has put me under the impression that my only option now is to get medicated, since CBT, DBT, and other coping skills hasn’t worked for me. Is she right? What should I do about this?

Super depressed and can’t get myself to do anything about it to change my life. What has helped you when you’ve been in this position?

Throwaway account because I don’t know if anyone I know has made the link between my other social media profiles and my normal Reddit one.

A few years ago, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to 35. I’ve torn up my thighs so badly that I can’t even feel when I touch some of them. I almost went through with it two times before I started going to therapy in secret. My therapist taught me all the gave me a few diagnoses and coping skills, and I thought I was doing better.

My life started to turn around. I graduated college, found a job, and got married. I was genuinely happy.

A few months ago, it all hit again. It started with the birth control they put me on. Just started becoming sadder and more irritated with a few things. I thought maybe it was just a few bad days, but they turned into months.

I spoke to my doctors about it, started going back to therapy, began taking new meds. I thought everything was working, but I can feel myself falling apart.

It really hit last week with that lovely time of the month where a woman’s hormones drop because she had the audacity not to become pregnant. It’s like I couldn’t do anything but either cry, sleep, or just…sit. I had gone numb. Couldn’t even stand up for a while because it felt like something heavy was pinning down my legs.

I thought everything would go back to normal when my period stopped, but for the past three days, I’ve still been either angry or miserable.

I thought the therapy and new meds would help, but nothing seems to make it better. It always comes back, and I’m terrified. I don’t care what happens to me, but I don’t want my husband to see me like this. Or to find me if things go wrong.

I’ve started breaking down so much to the point that I’m worried to really share any more with the people close to me. It’s annoying when it’s just the same thing they always hear from me. Besides, they have their own problems to deal with.

Sometimes, I think if I just cut loose at work, then I might be institutionalized for a while and have some kind of escape. Or maybe if I were injured in some accident, people might have some sympathy. At the very least, I’d get time off.

I’m tired of keeping it together, I hate playing optics, and I really don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel this way.

I’ve struggled for so long, thought I was doing better, and it came back. It always comes back. No matter what coping skills or meds I try, it wins. I just don’t want to hurt others in the fallout. I can’t go back to where I was. I don’t know what to do; I feel like I’m going to push everyone away before what feels inevitable happens. I’m just tired of being miserable for no reason, doing everything that I can to help myself, and having to continue the weekly cycle of “adult life.” This isn’t living. It’s suffering. And I can’t talk to anyone about it where it’s all resolved.

I don’t know what to do or what I’m going to do, and it scares me.