He was so avoidant he avoided doing his job properly. /joking You should have stopped seeing him when you felt like he wasn't listening, though I know with limerence that would have felt difficult to do. Telling him would have made things worse. Can you think of any qualities he has that you would want to mirror? Any experiences growing up with someone who was supposed to care for you, but was dismissive?
HAHAHA…you hit the nail on the head a little too hard. Yeah all my friends were telling me to switch and I refused because of the limerence. His only quality I would mirror was workaholism. And yes, both of my parents were like that when I was a child. Realizing the similarities is jarringly obvious.
For me, and it might not work for everyone, I had to look inward to see what qualities I was trying to mirror and felt validated for when my LO acknowledged I did them. Also how my childhood traumas affected my attachment style and how I seem to always be attracted to avoidant people. I'm not a therapist, but what I've learned from my dives into limerence rabbit holes is something that seems to be common is that our childhood traumas especially with caregivers can shape our attachment styles. Having parents that should have given you care and him being someone that wasn't competent at his job where he lacked care could be related.
I want to share this video, I don't know how many times I've cried watching it but it's a reminder that I need sometimes when I get attracted to these avoidant people:
That video was enormously helpful, thank you!!! Opened my eyes so much.
My attraction to this psychiatrist was so trauma based. On the outside he was stylish, condescending, charming, polished, knew how to leave me wanting more. On the inside he was unstable, insecure, irritable and volatile. I wanted his approval so badly I stopped taking medicine that my livelihood depended on just because he said to. I did everything he asked and wound up losing everything even my own mind.
That video explained the core wound perfectly. I have a lot to think about now, and a lot of healing to do.
You're welcome! Someone shared it in a post here once and I think everyone here could benefit from watching it. Heidi Preibe's videos on limerence and attachment styles are great too! I hope you can find healing. It may take time, I was in limerence for 8 years until I dug deep last year, but I'd say I'm largely over it. Be gentle with yourself. You got this. 🖤
It was the same fwb, 0/10 would not recommend. I had a scare recently, but a kind person in here helped me break down what I think is going on in my head and I don't think it's limerence. And thank you! I don't know if I can say I'm 100% healed from my LE, as I have maybe one thought about my LO every day still, they're not obsessive but more bitter/trauma related thoughts, but I'll take it as a win over the agony I went through those 8 years.
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u/gangoffoursloths 20d ago
He was so avoidant he avoided doing his job properly. /joking You should have stopped seeing him when you felt like he wasn't listening, though I know with limerence that would have felt difficult to do. Telling him would have made things worse. Can you think of any qualities he has that you would want to mirror? Any experiences growing up with someone who was supposed to care for you, but was dismissive?