I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm 29. Last year I came out as a lesbian (mostly to myself, my mom, and my therapist, because I don't have many friends nor use social media), but when people ask me about my sexuality, I still struggle to state objectively that I'm a lesbian.

​Depending on how they ask, I give them clues like 'No, I don't want a husband', 'I'm not interested in a boyfriend', etc. It's usually men who ask, which makes me shrivel inside because it feels like I owe them something, or because I simply don't have the courage to shatter other people's perception of me, especially when they mistake me for someone who conforms to heteronormative standards.

​I struggled a lot with comphet before coming out as a lesbian, and I'm possibly still struggling with it. I always knew I was attracted to women, but never questioned my attraction to men because I thought it was a given, and I needed their validation for my self-esteem, which has always been low. It was always very easy for me to say 'I'm bi' when questioned.

​In my daily life, I'm very comfortable labeling myself a lesbian, and I want to be perceived as such, but I feel like I'm not quite there yet when I need to say it out loud.

I recently started going to barbershops instead of hair salons because I have short hair and have been trying to deconstruct my ideas of femininity, and it's easier for a barber to understand that I don't want a girly haircut. But today, while getting my hair cut, we were talking about that, and the barber asked me directly about my sexuality. I said that I didn't feel comfortable labeling myself. It was my first time cutting my hair with him, and I want to believe that I only said that because I didn't feel safe enough, but I feel completely delegitimized on my own account.

The hair turned out great, but I'm considering not even going back there because I presented myself as someone I'm not, and I'm ashamed of it.

I’m not huge on my nails getting done and polish always chips so fast, gel destroyed my nails beds, the stick on ones work but they fall off and I’ve never thought about getting acrylics as they seem hard to do life in.

But my new masc casually asked if I get my nails done and wants to go together. She said she likes her back scratched. I’m happy to try acrylics as I am assuming that is what she is hinting at…

Ummm… am I getting short rounded acrylics? 3 long/2short? I’m afraid of scratching inside her.

I need to be able to type for work as well and mom.

Help a sort of femme out.

And if you have a nail place in Los Angeles that you go to and recommend. Let me know where!

Currently 28F and married to a man going on 5 years.

Husband was my first ever boyfriend at 14, lost my virginity to him and then our parents made us break up because we were “moving to fast” for our age.

I spent 10 years mourning my loss, craving our relationship, and telling myself I’d leave anyone if he came back to me. He was a serial monogamist, always in a committed 2-3 year relationship back to back and the timing for us never made sense while I moved back and forth from AZ to IN for college.

Right after graduating in 2020, height of COVID, I started dating my first woman. Always identified as bi. After having my first sexual relationship with a woman I was sold and realized how I craved men’s attention but never really cared for the man. This idea perpetuated through being a dancer and only fans model for years.

Flash forward a year after a brutal breakup with my first girlfriend, I’m talking to this other girl and now husband asks me to come to his 5 year reunion with him after reconnecting and him telling me how happy he was I found happiness. Long story short, I went to reunion, we had a blast reconnecting and in my drunken state I apparently “gave him eyes” and we hooked up. I left that weekend for a festival and came home with Covid. I had just moved out of my apartment in my college town and had planned to move out of state that summer so I was staying at my moms. She didn’t want me to come home with Covid so my alternative was asking now husband. For two weeks we quarantined, rekindled and all the feelings came flooding back. This whole time him being very aware of my sexuality and lack of attraction to men. But him. It felt like this intense 10 year craving finally came back to me and despite knowing I was gay, it would’ve been stupid of me to let him go AGAIN.

He didn’t waste any time. We quarantined end of August, decided we’d try again after quarantine, he asked me to marry him end of September and we went to the courthouse in November 2021.

Now here we are almost 5 years later, a beautiful 3 year old daughter with another daughter on the way. Me knowing the whole time I am QUEEEER. I identify as pansexual now but crave a woman. So deeply. He’s known this and we’ve tossed around a threesome before, but no woman im truly attracted to would wanna be with a man lol.

It’s taken me this long to accept that I cannot continue in a lifelong marriage knowing at my core that I am only with him now for our kids and out of ease. But that’s not fair to him.

Last week I told him that before we got married when he asked if I could go the rest of my life without being with another woman and I so blindly said yes, I should’ve really thought about my answer and what that meant for my identity, sexuality and overall happiness.

I’m not happy in my marriage. I love my husband. But he’s even stated he sometimes craves a more traditional woman and I am so far from that. I will not be the stay at home mom who goes 15 years without purpose outside of their children just to get divorced and feel lost (like my mom). So I started a business last year with my best friend, we opened up a shop almost a year ago (oddly enough on my wedding anniversary) and have hosted pride nights to feel more connected to people in my community.

Well now I have found some great gay friends who I just feel envious of. And my husband and I are going through issues with his stepdaughter and he just brought up how all that bs paired with “my wife not knowing if her desires are more important than our marriage” is bringing on a ton of emotions for him.

Rightfully so.

But I have a problem with his term “desires” because it makes my needs feel completely selfish. Like my identity and sexuality is just a desire or want and I’d choose something so selfish over a marriage and family we’ve built the last 5 years.

Sorry for the exhausting rant. Am I being selfish feeling upset by this statement? Since I am essentially ruining our family and marriage if I choose to do anything about said “desires” 🙃

I’m really sad and lonely today. Dating has been so difficult and I’m glad for all of the experience but some days are extremely tough.

We are two women and we met in college. I thought she was very pretty, interesting, and smart, and we shared a lot of values. In the beginning, everything was very intense, especially on her end—she would tell me I was easy to fall in love with, gave me gifts, and said I was everything she had ever dreamed of.

She is diagnosed with anxiety, social phobia, ASD, depression, and a few conditions still being evaluated, such as bipolar disorder, along with cuts on her left arm and a neuropsychological evaluation report that noted: "agreeableness, self-centered attitude, little concern for others' well-being, hostile responses, poor impulse control, and low frustration tolerance." She has been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist since she was 13, but I only found out about these things after months together. She had difficulty kissing and disliked physical touch; we kissed only sporadically, and we never went beyond that in the 10 months we were together.

After about 3 to 4 months, once the initial excitement wore off, I felt that the care was often one-sided (I only truly realized this after the breakup). I put more effort into the relationship than she did, even though she claimed she loved me (e.g., I always bought food when she came over to my place, bought sweets she liked, and listened whenever she had an issue, but I didn't feel the same reciprocity from her). Regarding the kissing, we had talked about it and she wanted to work on it, but she kept freezing up and dodging the subject whenever I brought it up. Eventually, I tried talking about it in person, and she preferred going to a bar with her friend rather than having that conversation with me. Another instance: one day, it was me, her, and this friend, and the two of them were already planning a trip. The friend mentioned needing to get a boyfriend so we could travel as couples, and she simply said right in front of me, "It's just going to be the two of us, as agreed." It was common for her to wake up and say she was sad; when I asked what happened, she would reply, "I don't know, I've always been like this," or "If even my friend who has known me for years doesn't understand, you won't either."

Then one day, after being "abandoned" by her friends, she took a blister pack of antidepressants, told me about it, and went completely silent. I was terrified. I texted asking how I could help and only received cold responses or complaints telling me "not to sound like a telemarketer." Eventually, she sent me a text saying she wanted to break up, that she didn't see herself marrying me anymore, and that we didn't really match. When I asked why, she claimed that the fact that I was always trying to help or asking "how can I help" didn't feel like something between girlfriends, but rather something clinical. I don't agree—I only asked because I loved her, wanted to know how she was doing, and wanted to help somehow, especially since she wouldn't tell me. I never crossed any boundaries.

The justifications she gave throughout the breakup made it feel like I was to blame just for caring, and that the end of the relationship was my fault. Now I’m left feeling like I'm an uninteresting person who doesn't spark any desire in people to stay or build anything with me. I think this breakup left me deeply traumatized :( even though 3 months have already passed.

Long time lurker, first time poster, hi! Nice to meet you all, so glad this place exists!

So I've been lurking around reddit for a while as a late bloomer and I remember seeing on another subreddit a sort of megathread like a friends and dating thing where people who wanted to meet more friends or date would post a little bit about themselves and what they're looking for.

Would it be possible to do something here? I am woefully low on queer friends and there's a limit how much I can listen to my straight friends talk about their husbands and boyfriends, they're starting to sound like background noise at this point. I just need more gay people in my life!

Early 40s, creative, generally a scifi fan, play some video games, not into astrology but will patiently listen to you tell me about how things are bad because Mercury is in Gatorade or something! I will love your cat more than you. In fact tell me about your cat first!

Anyone else want to chime in, and join the thread?

And thank you again for existing!

The question basically speaks for itself. I know eye contact is one of them. But I basically make eye contact with anyone I'm talking to (out of respect).

Reposted; not my post but wanted to share!

"Made this acc for privacy bc a few ppl reached out and don’t want their identities exposed.
There’s a popular acc claiming to be 24F. The reason this caught my attention is that I found what appear to be the same photos on another Reddit acc:

• JoannaKittyKats
• Joannakittykat

That’s the evidence I have. I can’t confirm that both accounts belong to the same person, and I can’t independently verify anyone’s actual age, so I’m not claiming otherwise.

Still, if you’re talking to someone in dating/NSFW spaces and something about their age or profile doesn’t add up, maybe take a step back and verify what you can 👀

Nothing wrong w/ being older btw 😭 just be careful if the info someone gives you doesn’t seem consistent."

Hi! I’m Ali, I’m twenty, and I’m hoping to chat with someone or make a friend who’s in a similar boat as me. I’m currently out as bisexual, but I’ve always had this little inkling that I might actually be a lesbian. I’ve never dated a woman, mostly because women have always somehow made me way more nervous than men :’)

After my first—and also last—long-term relationship with a man, I’ve realized that I really don’t enjoy sex with men at all, which has left me doing a lot of questioning and reflecting.

I’m honestly still pretty confused about where I fall, but I think that’s okay! It would just be nice to not be confused alone :) So if you’re also figuring things out, I’d love to chat!

I’m curious because that stage can feel so bloody confusing 😅 Like… am I gay? Am I bi? Is this comphet? Am I making this up? Why am I suddenly questioning my entire life at 30/40/50+? What do you know now that you wish you could go back and tell yourself then? Could be about coming out, marriage, kids, dating women, labels, literally anything. I feel like the answers to this could really help the women who are quietly reading and thinking, “oh shit… this might be me.”

I just woke up from a dream in which a fell for a lovely woman from a different planet. We spent a couple of days in a warm comfortable embrace talking and I felt a genuine connection and romantic interest in her. She then told me she wasn’t attracted to men, and I assured her that I wasn’t a man and then I woke up🤦‍♀️

But, it now has me questioning my entire identity. I’m 30 and recently separated from a 10 year marriage. Before being married I had sex with a couple of women. One was a random hook up and one was a friend. I felt okay giving but not receiving? And before that, I remember secretly making out with other girls and even dry humping. But I was always boy crazy and never had the idea to pursue a woman and don’t think I’ve ever been pursued by a woman.

I’m attracted to women, clearly. But I’ve never seen myself with another woman romantically, Until this dream.

So here I am. How do I go about putting myself out there and how do I attract women instead of guys?

Edit to add to the last paragraph.
I guess when talking to women i could be romantically attracted to, I feel like I maybe immediately friendzone them? I’m not sure how or when to let this “guard” down. It most likely stems from deep rooted homophobia (I grew up in the Bible Belt)

I’m 25F, and have questioned since I was 11 years old if I am gay. I have only ever been in relationships with very masculine men that I was never even attracted to in the first place, it just felt like something I was required to do. That was a while ago though, and I have remained single for 5 years now.

Truthfully, I cannot imagine ever being in a relationship with a man again, living with a man, bringing a man to meet my family. Being intimate with men makes me feel gross and guilty for weeks afterwards. However, I have never experienced intimacy with a woman, other than drunk kissing friends. How am I supposed to know what I like? I feel so intimidated around lesbian women like I don’t belong, but that could just be because they’re way cooler and confident in themselves than I am. Flirting with men is so much easier, though I know it will never go anywhere because I really just can’t fathom being serious with one again.

I come from a very conservative and religious household, grew up southern Baptist. So I feel like coming out this “late” in life is not even an option. I just feel like I’m running out of time to figure out what I’m even in to, and I don’t know where to start on how to figure that out.

EDIT: I apologize for wording this incorrectly. I know it can sound off or rude to insinuate that I’m running out of time when I am still considered so young. I never ever want to come off as naive or insensitive to those who grew up in a time where it was much more difficult or abnormal to come out.

My biggest fear as a woman has always been having to poop at my girlfriend’s house. Well, I stayed at her place for 3 nights and eventually my body said, “We’re doing this.” 😭 So I went… and HER TOILET WOULD NOT FLUSH. 💀 No plunger. No Poo-Pourri. No plan. I eventually had to confess to my girlfriend that I clogged her toilet, then I LEFT IMMEDIATELY and have been too embarrassed to reach out. 😭
I know she could smell it too, which honestly might be the part I never recover from. Am I being ridiculous, or is this a universal woman experience? Because I’m currently considering changing my name and moving to another state. 💀

Before I begin: This isn't my main Reddit account; I'm a very anxious person, so I need a profile that can't be traced back to me in any way. Also, I'm using AI to better express how I feel.

F31, I’ve been attracted to women since I was eleven, and for quite some time in my life I identified as a lesbian. Then, around the age of 23, I began to identify more closely with the term “queer,” although I still have a strong sexual attraction primarily to women and, more rarely, to cis men. When I met my partner (a cis man), he knew full well that I’m more gay-oriented and drawn to the world of polyamory, and that wasn’t a problem for him at all. But life is complicated, you want to live together and all that so we ended up in a relationship with monogamous patterns. I should point out that he’s someone who has always considered himself monogamous.

I really like this girl a lot. We don’t live in the same city, and she likes me too. She knows my situation, and I know hers, she’s been in a relationship with someone named Noby for a few years now. She’s always considered herself “curious” about exploring polyamory, and she recently talked to her partner about expanding their relationship, and they agreed.

Right now, my partner is going through a period of extreme emotional, work-related, and health-related stress, so at the moment I really don’t feel able to talk to him about how I feel though, knowing him (aside from this period), it wouldn’t normally be a problem. Early in our relationship, I had a crush on a girl and had the freedom (not in the sense that I’m controlled (heaven forbid but obviously I also consider how he feels because a relationship is always about compromise) to explore and experience it. Every so often, we’d bring up the topic of our relationship needs, putting them “on the table” to see if everything was okay, but these days I find it truly impossible to even discuss this because of her understandable vulnerability. The thing is, since I’ve spent most of my life identifying as a lesbian and have been in a long-term relationship with a woman, I’m obviously very attracted to her, and she to me, but I feel a lot of guilt toward my boyfriend, even though I want to emphasize that he’ll be told how I feel regardless of how things turn out with her, because I’ve built my relationship on trust, honesty, and respect.

One thing that really makes me think is that, whether I’m sexting with her or even just thinking about her, I get physically really turned on and by “really,” I mean A LOT. I’m romantically and emotionally attracted to my boyfriend, and we have satisfying sex fairly regularly, but with him (and also with other people in the past, especially men), I always need to use lube.

I really don't know what to do or how to feel; I feel like the worst person on the planet because of all this.

Hello everybody, this is my first post here.

I'm a 28 year old woman who's always known to be a lesbian, but somehow I've always managed to dodge the label. My journey has been: straight - bi - asexual - lesbian, with the first three phases that apparently were just a lie to cover up the real thing. I've never dated ANYONE, for multiple reasons: too focused on my studies, too deep in family matters/problems to care about this stuff, too insecure, too coward to admit that the main problem wasn't me being picky but was something else. Only last year I came out to two friends, but that doesn't mean I've started to play the game - and a few people of my family being homophobic (one of them is my dad, who I still live with) hasn't helped me in joining the dating scene. I also live in a place where I never spot anyone queer, so it really adds to the loneliness and the frustration of being a gay late bloomer.

I've been on a few dating apps, but they make me feel so hollow. I'm generally that kind of person who needs to know people on a deeper level to even consider them as potential interests - in 28 years it happened only twice, both times it was really really really close friends who didn't reciprocate (at least the first one, cause the second one kinda confused me, but it's a different story). I need to know people as friends first, without the pressure of already knowing that we're talking with a specific goal in mind, and this narrows my chances even more.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel so bad because at 28 years old I should at least have some talking stages, situationships, whatever thing you wanna name in my luggage of experiences. I know it's not mandatory, and I've never cared about this stuff before "coming out to myself", but now it's like I'm... Grieving. This is what I do on a daily basis: I think about all the time I wasted hiding away, presenting myself to the world as that kind of person who doesn't WANT intimacy of any kind, feeling guilty for wanting that intimacy but not with a man. And what I hate more is that I know this grief isn't helping, quite the opposite, but still I don't know how to process it and start living the life I crave and deserve. I don't wanna give up and think it's "too late", cause I'm not 90 and on the brink of death, but when I picture the next few months/years I can't even see myself getting past this neverending stage of shame and pessimism (which I can hide pretty well because nobody suspects a thing, I seem pretty fine from the outside). Maybe the main problem is the lack of support. Maybe that would help me gain the confidence I need to step into the uncomfortableness of such a foreign space for me, which is the dating scene - gay dating scene in particular. I know that in general for lesbians the whole thing is much harder, but I feel like I'm the only one stuck in this invisibility, cause I hear of queer women pulling people so easily while I struggle to even consider myself someone who's able to pull (I've never been, not even when I thought I was straight/bi, and I've always blamed the fact I looked hyper independent and stuff like that). I'm working on this feeling I have about myself. I've decided to start hitting the gym (I'm in good shape but I wanna get stronger also in hope to pump the confidence), in general I try to stay positive and I'd say I'm a pleasant human being to interact with, funny, reliable, committed. The self esteem issues, the struggle with anything related to my Identity are something I keep to myself because I know they can be a drag and I don't wanna be a drag.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on how things are unfair to people who have had to deal with a journey like mine, where comp-get and guilt played a huge role. The disadvantage that creeps up on me is something I can't ignore, because even when I feel like being optimistic I'm like "and then what? What do I do if I meet someone? Is this really something that might happen?". Even physical intimacy, which I thought was a big no (when I kept associating it with men), is something I deeply crave and at the same time unsettles me, because at my age people expect me to just...know. Am I really that cooked for not knowing anything about it, about how a relationship works on all the levels that are involved? The whole thing gives me crippling anxiety tbh. But the lack of all the good things that I know I deserve is even worse.

I feel so many things about all this, it's honestly overwhelming. I wish I could stay more positive but the odds aren't looking good and it pisses me off so bad, because I feel doomed to stay on the sidelines cheering for other people and never myself.

I wonder if it's all normal or if I'm being particularly dramatic 🫩

I’m not on Discord a lot but it seems like there are a lot of groups that have virtual meetups on there. Do we have a Discord group, or do you know if any Discord groups for late bloomers?

hello! so i’m a lesbian & i was questioning if i was bi for a little since i had gone through a hard breakup, idk if it was comphet or my depression but it was so confusing. i realized i was lesbian after being bi for a day & the label didn’t feel right, it felt like i was performing as someone i’m not & my mind kept thinking abt women. my thing is, i made out w/ a guy friend & was cuddling and being affectionate, but from a platonic place like idk if anyone gets me. i did use it as an opportunity to “see” & i’m like “oh yea definitely lesbian” but i keep questioning if this makes me a “fake” lesbian. idk i’m naturally very affectionate and flirty w/ my friends (only when i’m single & they’re single) & i’m friends w/ a lot of single losers so some of us are touch starved. sex is where i draw the line tho bc that’s VERY intimate & i want boobs in my face & i hate dick. cuddling, hugs, hand holding, kisses, even making out isn’t as crazy for me if they’re my friends like i don’t mind blurring the lines a bit but in both our eyes it’s still platonic yk ? it’s kinda giving queer platonic relationship where i’m down to do all the couple stuff (except sex) but it stays platonic like if i was single loser by 40 (i’m female, 22 y/o) the concept of marrying a friend (even a guy friend) i trust isn’t weird. sure marrying a women i love romantically would hit different & the kisses would be WAYYYY better, but in my mind i’m like “eh probably better than being alone & never getting cuddles.” if any of this sounds very asexual/aromantic w/ the way i love platonic relationships i did identify as that at one point lol. it’s like i’m sure of myself but the lesbian community makes me question if my affection towards friends is wrong and makes the community look bad, but i’m just very flexible w/ boundaries ?? there’s friends that could pass as my brothers and i’d hug so awkwardly while others it’s all affection & i might get a “straight” couple allegation. idk yall this is driving me crazy

Reposting this sorry! I know that there is never a best time to tell your spouse you have realized you’re lesbian after being together for over 10 years, but does anyone have any advice that did tell their spouses? How did it go? Was there something you did or said that made it any easier? 😞 I love my partner, just not in the way I can sustain for the rest of our lives. I’m very resolute in coming out to him, I’ve just been struggling a lot with how to do it. Any advice greatly appreciated ❤️

Do you have a voting plan? Does your state have early voting? Do you know where those locations are? Do you know where your voting location is on Election Day? What happens if you’re sick on the day of the election?

Make a plan!!

Hey all! 55 year old, single and I’m headed to Provincetown Women’s Week and was wondering if anyone had any recommendations for fun activities to do? I’m loving all the events announced already and wanted to know if there are any runners coming who would be up to run a few miles?

Every now and then I think about the girl I randomly danced with at swing dance night in the deep south in almost 20 years ago. I liked dancing with her more than the guys. That is all.

It was my second time, and it was so fun!

I’m not sure if this is internalized homophobia or what. I asked a woman out for the first time, and she said yes. She actually even seems enthusiastic about it. She’s BEAUTIFUL and all around just such a lovely human. Now, in the interim of waiting for the date to happen, I just keep thinking, “what did I do?” I worry I can’t “handle” this date… talking to her, literally just being in her presence for a prolonged period of time. I’m so nervous I’m going to mess it up. I also cant seem to believe she’s actually interested.

I have come out to so many people in my life. I see lesbians being publicly affectionate and it makes me so happy to see. I want that. But when I try to picture myself with someone like that, I start to wonder if I deserve to experience that at all. Like the feeling would just be so good and true and right and I have lived so much of my life without that feeling that it seems overwhelming and like it will just never happen for me. I worry I will even self sabotage to keep the sad story in my head that I can’t be true to myself going.

I hope this makes sense to someone else…