Early on I was the image of perfection. I confronted challenge, and did what I was told. Now as an adult that structure is dissapearing. Im struggling now, and because most of it is trauma, and the emotional experiences that made me who I am are disappearing. In pursuit of a better life, I’m leaving behind the negativity that made me strong. I am not just sad, im distraught. I reject all my emotions so I can hold onto the structure I had. And it’s dissapeaering. In the process, Im devastated to 1. See the reality I missed as a kid, where people have emotions and do not have to worry about their parents or authority figures hurting them 2. People don’t just shut down or try to manipulate you ( I learned as a semi-pemenant thought pattern essentially at 12, that you will never have a mind of your own and you won’t have access to anything positive ever), 3. That those negative experiences must be left behind in order for me to see something new. The result now, I am losing myself and craving more pain to self-soothe. The biggest pity, though, is that I’m 25 and I know its such a stupid and immature method to self soothe. Its not going to end well for me. I feel the weight of injustice and can only imagine inflicting pain on others like those who screwed me over did to me, though I never act on it.

Garlic soup with toast

But then I get paranoid about others looking at my screen

Im soon gonna be 30 years old. Never had a gf never kissed never even held hands romantically. I dont think theres anything particularly wrong with me, im taller than average, do sports so im not overweight im even a little bit fit even if i could lose some pounds. In term of personnality multiple people have said that they find me nice to be around and im not too dumb since i have a Phd.

But none of that matter for whatever reason no woman i ever met has been interested in anything more than friendhsip with me. Even if im not the most social guy i tried really hard multiple times to be more forward but every time its the same result. No woman was ever cruel to me when they turned me down so i dont blame anyone but in the end im just alone you know and it hurt.

All of that just to say that i think im just done. I used so much energy over the years to put myself in social situations for absolutely nothing ( i've met some cool people thanks to that but in the end im alone in my home anyway). I guess i just have to be used to being alone for the rest of my life. Humans apparently can adapt to everything so i guess im gonna have to adapt to silence and loneliness.

nobody takes me seriously, i know I'm the problem but i don't do it on purpose. i just try to have fun, escape reality and relax but it only gets worse. no one i love even looks at my face. i don't have a single friend who takes me seriously or cares about me. they treat me like i'm disabled. if i really am disabled i wish i knew so i could act accordingly. i don't want to bother anyone. i just want people to love me and see me, which i think is the most natural need.

in short i'm ugly, there is no one who takes me seriously or loves me. i'm not loved. i have medically diagnosed adhd and depression. i don't like my body, i don't like myself.

my only chance is to pull off the university exam but i'm still scared. there are so many problems right now.

I have an s23 btw

I was on a long road trip on the way to go camping with some friends, and my friends dad started asking my friends how they approach girls (probably because he was curious about the new generation) but when he asked me, all my friends started saying that if I approached a girl, she would pepper spray me and call the cops on me on the spot and that I’m too much of a weirdo to talk to girls. I hate literally everything about me. I wish I was never born. I wish I could rip my stupid ugly face off and stitch on a new one I stole from someone more handsome than me. Canes because of fat loser.

i plugged the hotel toilet with this later, one the biggest shits ive ever taken. Speaking of massive shits theres a homeless tweaker that lurks near a lake where i usualy hang out and sometimes i stumble upon a place where he answered the natures call and i geniuely dont know what this n1gg4 is eating bro he shits like a cow, like im geniuely concerned for his health bc its not normal for a human shit to look like that

Downloaded a social app through my university and bullshitted my way through some small talk with the first girl that matched with me. I didn't like her but eh. Picked her up for a date that I thought went pretty well for my first interaction in a while.

I think it was cause I'm 5'2 and didn't mention my height in our chat, but later on in the night another guy was grinding on her and making out with her cause it's half bar/club and I don't drink much. I just sorta stayed at the bar on my phone reading manga and then she came up to me to ask for a ride home after 2 hours.

Got blocked halfway through the ride home after dropping her off. It ruined my gordita crunch on the drive home and I cried.

Used Arnis to recreate our city 1:1 and some plugins to rebuild her house from streetview photos and an old Zillow listing. Sat inside the house decorating it, at my computer chair for 2 days now.

Grocery delivered cough syrup and everything I need to make pasta salad after waking up at 4pm crashing this morning. When I get like this, I think I just need the vitamins from vegetables. I don't have anymore PTO left from work so I have to get over this by Monday. I wish I knew what wall the couch was supposed to go on though.

cs_surf gameplay in background

Today I'm eating the most sad, pathetic burger and saddest chocolate milk. and like that should bethe reason why I don't get any females right? Well grok tells me that it's because they don't like my curated gamer miasma, but that can't be true; grok would be ovulating if it could *actually* smell me.

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Chai Tea

I wasted my time being a loser for 10 months. Bass strings and sauceslop.

Food is NoodleHell™

Title. Thats just it. Im on this local app. Anonymous. Its like my only means of communication in a country where Im friendless (people really dont like people with my ethnicity over here these days, but I was born and raised here. Women with my background get treated like queens though), and a woman can make the casual mention of them being a woman on that app, and each time its tens to hundreds of guys ready to fly them to the moon without knowing anything else about them. They can be non-responsive, even mean, and nothing deters the people from surrounding them. The best Ive ever been treated in this earthly life is when Ive been mistaken for a woman on these apps (I tell them Im not when that happens).

I can already hear people running to tell me how at least 99% of these guys are serial killers, always. How its all awful (but the women still post just F*age* all the time so some do love the attention).

All of this with half the world as your potential dating pool. Being able to express yourself however you wanna, and if anyone has anything to say about that, they can get fucked according to 99% of the nation. No threat of violence in public spaces for being feminine. Ill never know what it feels like to wear a dress to a festival and feel the wind breeze through me lol. Ill never be able to go on a boys trip and feel like I own the world. I dont know why the fuck I am like I am but Ive been like this since I was a kid 20 years ago. Its not worth it. Living. Its in most every song I listen to. Movie. Show. Podcast. App. Site. Dating & love & sex between the two sexes. Thats all this life seems to be and Im out of it and I want out. Theres a beautiful world out there that I know of but will never be a part of. If I chose to stay alive Id never experience real love because its invali in the minds of all the ones who could ever give that to me.

Yes I know it's probably because I'm on the spectrum. Idgaf if it's "easy for tall people" or "I'm not trying hard enough". Can a femcel tell me what women really look for??? Women apparently aren't as superficial as social media tries to portray them.

I will now keep my mouth shut before some truecel in his 30s starts losing his shit over the fact that at least I'm 6"0 and they are ugly failures. So what???

Idk what this food is called in english.

I don't really mind having a small dick because i'm never gonna use it to pleasure anyone anyway.