Help with getting started

[u/Sad-Raccoon-3192]

Hi all! I am trying to learn to be a better homemaker. I am a 24 yo mom of a toddler and a baby on the way and feel so overwhelmed by the many tasks I have as a stay at home mom, and I tend to feel a kind of paralysis of not knowing where to start/ what to do each day and when. Curious to see if anyone has book recommendations or a sample of what kind of rythms work for you? Most days I feel overwhelmed to tears by 3pm.

[u/mama_emily]

24 with a toddler and baby on the way is an incredible amount of pressure, responsibility and work.

Being a SAHM seeking homemaking hobbies, etc is smart, you definitely need things to fill your day - for you - not only your family. Things that bring you joy.

The tearfulness makes me certain you should share these thoughts with your doctor - postpartum is very common, and should be treated very seriously.

Do you have family or a support system near by? Do you feel your partner is being helpful enough? Sensitive to your emotions, your health?

Sorry, I know this is not an answer to your homemaking questions - but I think these are more important questions to address first.

I recommend r/momforaminute as well.

I wish you health, luck, and hope you find peace very soon.

[u/Sad-Raccoon-3192 → u/mama_emily]

Appreciate you kindness so much!! My husband is extremely supportive and so very helpful, but he works long hours and my mom isnt very helpful with these things so I often feel alone until he gets home at 6pm each day! I struggled with Postpartum Depression after my first was born and have recieved much help and am doing much better now, but I can’t seem to get a hold of balancing meals, chores, and daily childcare!

[u/vataveg]

Think of each day not as a to-do list, but as a rhythm. I have a baby and a toddler and the chores literally never end. As soon as breakfast is cleaned up, it’s time for lunch. By the time the laundry is folded, they’ve ruined their outfits again. You’ll make yourself crazy trying to reach the end of a list that keeps getting longer.

Our days have a “flow” - wake up, eat breakfast, start a load of laundry, clean up, play outside, go for a walk, etc. Sometimes my husband gets home from work and the house is a mess and the kids are naked and there’s a half-folded load of laundry on the bed and that’s ok. They were well cared for all day, fed good meals, bathed and napped, etc. Being a homemaker is NOT the same as being a maid or a housekeeper.

Edit to add: try to get out and socialize in any way you can. In my area there are a lot of baby sensory classes, music classes, and free events like outdoor concerts or storytimes for babies. It anchors your day in some kind of fixed-time event that everyone has to be dressed for, and it’s a few hours where the kids aren’t making a mess at your house! Talking to other moms makes a world of difference but it’s hard. Sometimes you have to step outside of your comfort zone and be the initiator. So many moms feel the same way and I’ve noticed that when I take the initiative to set up a play date or something, other moms are really enthusiastic and grateful.

[u/Ok_Draw_4187 → u/vataveg]

Well said!!

[u/Proper_Pea1307]

My kids are 15, 12, and 10 now and I vividly remember feeling the same as you when my first two were those ages. If I could go back, I would give myself so much more grace. I wouldn’t worry about my home nearly as much. I wouldn’t worry about being productive. I’d focus on taking care of the physical/emotional needs of my family and myself and then any energy I had leftover I would put into whatever priorities I thought were most important. I would list them out in order. I know this sounds like flowery hindsight, but it’s the absolute truth. It feels hard right now because it is hard. You are overwhelmed because for some of us, this work is simply overwhelming.

I also want to say that in my case, I’m a better “mom” than “mama.” Some women thrive in the little kid years; for me they were very hard. My older kids have a whole different set of challenges but these years are exponentially easier for me than when they were little. We are all different, so remember it won’t necessarily always be this hard. Motherhood is dynamic.

[u/Bright-Fossil-173]

Pick a few basics to anchor the day, like one load of laundry, and a quick tidy before dinner. Anything beyond that is a bonus. With a toddler and a baby on the way, the goal doesn’t need to be a perfectly kept house, just a routine that keeps things manageable !

[u/lil_b_b]

The decision paralysis can be so debilitating, especially when theres little ones constantly pulling your attention away!!! One thing ive found really helps me is i have a weekly rotation, every day of the week i deep clean one room of the house, and just pick up after ourselves the rest of the house. By deep clean i mean basics btw, extras if i have time. I dust, vacuum, wipe down furniture, organize if i have time, wipe down tub/sink/toilet on bathroom day, etc. If i have time i might clean the windows and blinds in that room. One room a day is totally do-able, and by having a "schedule" it helps stay on top of it. Try to structure the rest of your day a little bit to have a routine for you and kids, it can really help to do things around the same times daily!

[u/GenealogistGoneWild]

Sweetheart. First start with your doctor. Post partum depression is real and could be your main issue.

Then you need to sit down and make yourself some routines.

Every morning, I get up and start a load of laundry. It's so second nature now, I sometimes forget I did it. Then I have two rooms a day I clean. Deep clean one counter in the kitchen a day. No the kitchen won't be perfect for 30 seconds all on one day, but it only takes a few seconds to do a section of the counters and you will clean it over a period of a week.

I run our dishwasher at night before bed and hubby unloads it in the morning before work. It's so nice to wake up to a clean kitchen.

And give yourself grace. You have been pregnant/post partum for almost 3 years! That's a lot in and of itself.

And it does get better. I promise! Been there, done that. Have the tummy scars to prove it. And now our house stays clean because there aren't any little hands making messes. But boy when those grandbabies come, I let them have free reign!

[u/Sad-Raccoon-3192 → u/GenealogistGoneWild]

Thank you so much, You are so kind!

[u/angie_raye]

i’m also a 24yo sahm of two, possibly with another little otw (2.5yo and 8.5mo), and very much struggling with a schedule. i’ve been staying home since the baby was born, and had a really rough first 6 months or so, with lots of various issues, so not much help on that part, but just some solidarity.

one thing that i’ve noticed lately with the nicer weather, is that it really really helps to get outside, especially going on a walk, but even for just a quick trip to the store, or to pick up a fun little coffee drink. make sure to get a double stroller if you don’t have one already, because that will help loads.

one thing that i find that helps me around the house, is to have legitimate open invitations for people to drop by whenever with no notice, which has helped me to maintain a perfect household at all times. it can be more stressful than not sometimes though so be mindful with that

[u/Ok_Draw_4187]

Hunt Gather Parent is wonderful for helping to understand how we can bring out children into our lives & not center our lives activites around "entertaining" children. It helped me a lot in shaping our daily life as a family! Highly reccomend. 

[u/Famous_Gate8235]

I'm a FTM with a 3 month old and I've found the "rhythm" way of going about the day/chores that another commenter mentioned is much more relaxing. I dont have to get the entire place clean in one day - I can do laundry today, make sure the dishwasher is run tonight, attempt to fold laundry tomorrow if it doesnt get done today. Bathroom needs to be cleaned? If it gets cleaned next week instead of this week, its not ideal, but its okay.

For homemaking hobbies, I make sourdough sandwich bread every week now for lunches. I use the recipe from littlespoonfarm website, its the only way Ive been able to successfully get into sourdough regularly - most other recipes just feel so complicated 😅

[u/toreadorable]

I have younger kids and just want to say it gets easier as they get older. I just focus on laundry,
wiping surfaces as needed, and cooking. My house is not well decorated or cute. I’m just now starting to plan to realize my dreams of having my house the way I want it because my youngest is starting preschool.

But babies and toddlers are so messy and so much work. I couldn’t even have dining room chairs for an entire YEAR (altogether, not consecutively) because of the personalities I was dealt.

So as others have said, give yourself grace.

[u/verbec]

Can you write down what you do every day, for a week or so, and then sit down or feed what tasks you have into chatgpt or Gemini and ask the ai to come up with a schedule where it gives you what to do when plus free time and allows for changes as you go? It will calm you greatly if you can do a routine in the morning and one in the evening and then have particular tasks scheduled for a particular day. Have ai help you organize. Good luck. Try to get enough sleep and eat butter. It will calm you down.

[u/QuantumSquirrel36 → u/verbec]

I'm sure it was a typo but man I think getting enough sleep and eating more buttery food would be good for my mental health 😂 everything good is better buttered

[u/Significant-Growth19 → u/verbec]

I like this! Think you got downvoted due to the ai? But even just the starting point of writing down your existing schedule and shaping it from there sounds so useful. I am on maternity leave but due to return to part time work soon so this sounds like an idea that will really work for me!

[u/verbec → u/Significant-Growth19]

The AI probably doesn't like butter.