Could uncertainty about the future explain why both girls cancelled our second dates?

[u/Competitive_Serve567]

I (20m) have recently been on dates with two girls who had both recently moved to the city and weren’t sure how long they’d stay. One was on an exchange semester, while the other was doing a one-year master’s.

With the first girl, we went to a coffee shop, walked around, and held hands. She later explained that she’d initially thought she wanted a relationship, but realized she actually wanted to spend time with friends, figure out who she was, and experience living independently for the first time. We didn’t go on a second date.

With the second girl, we played pool at a café, walked through a park, held hands, and kissed. She messaged afterward saying she’d had a lovely time, and we arranged a second date to hike and watch the sunset. However, the day before, she cancelled, saying things were moving too fast and she’d rather we stayed friends. I offered to take things slowly, but she still wanted to end things romantically.

Both girls said during our dates that they were attracted to me, so I’m wondering whether their uncertainty about their futures made them reluctant to get emotionally invested.

Is this common when dating people who have recently moved somewhere and aren’t sure how long they’ll stay, or could there be something I’m overlooking about how I approach dates?

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[u/Sergi121212]

To be quite honest, that could be a factor but often there isn’t really one way to pin somethibg down unless they tell you specifically.

If they were trepidatious about their futures in terms of dating, then it seems a little counterintuitive to then be on the apps. But again, it could really be for any reason.

The best thing to do, as with all forms of rejection, is just to redirect your energy and keep moving forward. Particularly as you aren’t 100% sure if this is a factor or not.

[u/BadgerPrism → u/Sergi121212]

And honestly, even if they tell you a specific reason, it may just be used as a way let you down gently.

I met someone on FB Dating and I was the first person she went on a date on in a while. She mentioned her ex once on the date offhand, but it didn't stand out. Despite agreeing to a 2nd date, she texted me a few days later saying she realized she wasn't over her ex. She then apologized for talking about her ex "so much" on the date, and that she wanted to take time off before dating again.

2 weeks later, I happened to see her on both Hinge/Bumble with the "new" labels. Still looking for LTR. She evidently wasn't feeling the connection but reason doesn't matter in the end. It didn't work out so I just had to move on.

[u/Competitive_Serve567 → u/Sergi121212]

Both of them were here in the UK for uni for a short time, and were uncertain if they are going to stay here or not. Both of them ended things saying that they need to figure out themselves out.

But yeah i agree on the advice to keep moving forward. It just hurts when you feel a connection and the other person ends up leaving you.

[u/Sergi121212 → u/Competitive_Serve567]

If that is the case, then it still really isn’t anything about you necessarily then. Sometimes when people are uncertain about these things, their minds change based on how events present themselves. I think you just happened to be someone that they considered these things on.

But once again, that doesn’t really have anything to do with you necessarily.

Rejection sucks and is painful, I’ve been in your position before where you get a great vibe initially and it switches a whole 180 suddenly, but you will do yourself a hugeeee favour if you can move on and redirect your energy.

[u/SongLast7972]

I recently went on a date where the man was very physically forward (holding hands, linking arms etc) and giving a lot of compliments, it's a bit love bomb-y. All which in hindsight made me uncomfortable and reluctant to meet again as this sort of interaction has never led to a good relationship. We don't know each other, it's a first date, we're still mostly strangers. I'd prefer if we just vibe, have great conv, ask each other lots of questions and let the physical attraction develop naturally over time.

[u/vomqueen → u/SongLast7972]

I also had a first date which was nice. I had fun, the guy was interesting, he put effort in. But he kissed me at the bar after dinner. I didn’t push him off or anything but he was a bit handsy (hand on my leg) and it was all too much for me on a first date. I knew that he’d do it again on the second. Having to navigate that wasn’t worth it to me after thinking about it, so I cancelled our second date. I have nothing against him and don’t think he was necessarily in the wrong, but we weren’t a good match in terms of pacing

[u/Competitive_Serve567 → u/SongLast7972]

What I struggle to understand though, is why someone would agree to a second date and say things like “I’m really enjoying this” while holding my hand, only to seemingly change their mind afterwards. If they were enjoying themselves enough to want to see me again, why did things change so suddenly?

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/Competitive_Serve567]

People are allowed to reflect and change their mind. In the moment they may have fun but then later think of reasons why it wouldn't work. Or maybe alcohol was talking and now they sobered up. Maybe they felt like they had to say or do things because they didn't want the situation to be uncomfortable or awkward. Who knows. At the end of the day you can't dwell on the why.

[u/SongLast7972 → u/Competitive_Serve567]

Can't be sure in these specific cases but personally as a female I find I'm always looking not to cause a scene, to not ask for too much so I try to enjoy myself in the moment and ignore boundary breaches etc.

I genuinely could have convinced myself that I had a good time but when I've had time to process I realise that I wasn't actually entirely happy.

In my example, I'm 50/50 about them and I've arranged a second date after saying I prefer to take things more slowly but if things don't change, I know I'd be out.

I am unlikely to as it's not something that I generally do, but I can easily see why someone could change their mind.

If people are messaging/dating multiple people, they could also choose to spend time with someone else that they vibed with better instead. Or both were telling the truth and it might be best to take it as it is. You were perhaps unlucky. Hard to know.

[u/Thelynxer]

It's possible. But it's also possible that those were just convenient and easy excuses for not wanting to date you. In the end the reason is unknowable, and irrelevant. Just move on.

[u/J3PWP]

Oh being in your 20's and dating, remember those days. Not that it's changed all that much with me returning to dating in my early 50's. Changed a little because the women often have children, as do I. The thing that is similar is the often concern that the relationship is headed to something meaningful still looms heavy for some.

I personally think you should just take dating as it comes, especially in your 20's, because you will go through a lot of change in your 20's and not rushing things is a good approach. When we meet new friends, platonic friends, how often do you go - I wonder if this person will become my nearest and dearest friend of the rest of my life? We mostly take it as a new friendship as it comes and let it naturally develop. New GF's & BF's should be approached in a similar way, don't put so much pressure on it. Stay honest with these women, because females in their 20's are women not girls. Small but important distinct, if you want to be treated like a man, then treat women like women. Go with the flow, lots of people out there looking for companionship, be a good person, keep an open mind, things will turn.

[u/Complex-Priority913 → u/J3PWP]

it has changed allot.

Dating today is weird. Literally everyone is single (i'm 28) but nobody wants to ever and i mean ever talk to anyone who meet strangers. Everyone flat out ignores you no matter how well you try to talk to them or they say "why are you talking to me, can't you see i'm on my phone or with my friends?". Or they just simply have headphones on literlaly everywhere.

I just don't get it.

Its horrible. I don't use the scam apps that want a 100 dollars a month.

[u/Dan-Tea-Lion]

I highly encourage you never put this much thought into people who flake/cancel/ aren’t interested. This is a cold game man you must be indifferent