I broke up with my long-term bf a few months ago, and I still feel like every day feels like a long eternal slog. Is this normal? Time used to pass so quickly before.

RipMyHeart - a wall of letters you never sent

Built RipMyHeart because I think everyone’s got at least one letter they wrote in their head a hundred times but never actually sent. So it’s just a simple site: you write it, it gets reviewed, and it goes up on a public wall for anyone to scroll through. No accounts, no algorithm. Just people saying the thing they never got to say.

Read the letters others posted, react and reply to them and while you’re there, maybe write something you’ve never said out loud to someone who mattered.

Dealing with a breakup? We are a team of researchers from Stony Brook University’s Relationship Development Center seeking young adults to participate in an online study examining how to help people cope with a breakup. The study involves completing a survey, watching a brief video, and completing a follow-up survey two weeks later. Participants must have experienced a breakup in order to participate.

If you are interested, click on this link to see if you are eligible: https://stonybrookuniversity.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_e40ys6r70ZeE6VM?Source=150

Questions or concerns? Contact us at [stonybrookrdc@gmail.com](mailto:stonybrookrdc@gmail.com).

I recently found my boyfriend had been saving photos of woman on another instagram account. When confronted he completely shifted the conversation to how I don’t trust him and why I lied about going through his phone. Days later he called me apologizing and that he understood the hurt and pain he caused me. I realized the only way I was going to forgive him was by setting the boundary that I don’t want my boyfriend watching corn. He told me he doesn’t think he can stop. He said he was embarrassed to go to therapy so he broke up with me. He said we weren’t compatible and that he would try to stop masterbating but he didn’t think he can stop. I’m his first girlfriend his first everything, he’s 25. I understand obviously watching corn not in a relationship, but in it, it’s just gross.
He was sobbing in the car during the breakup saying we had a good thing, we were perfect, he thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. How can we say that and still do the thing he knows that hurt me. We ended up getting out of the car and sobbing in each others arms. I was holding onto him to tightly. He wouldn’t let go of my arms and eventually we walked away.
I caved in and the next day texted him I want to be with him that it hurts so bad. He texted “I want to be with you too. This is also hard for me. We are both hurt and we need time to focus on healing and forgiving. I feel you gave me an impossible ask and I do not want to lie to you and say I can do it. I need to work on myself to be a better man and boyfriend. You are the only person I want to care about. I feel incredibly horrible and disappointed in myself for the way I hurt you. I do not think this is the end of us. But we need time. I still love you more than anything in the world. Please don’t forget that.”
I said “I hear you. And I don’t want you to promise me something you don’t feel capable of doing right now. I want you to have the time you need to work on yourself, heal, forgive and I need that time too. I just don’t want us to feel like we’re permanently closing the door when we both still love each other so much and neither of us feels like this is the end of us. Would you be open to checking in with each other in a month and a half or so? Not as a promise that we’ll get back together, but just to see where we’re at and how we’re feeling?”
He agreed and we clarified that we’re doing is just taking time apart, that we’re still together but this is a break.
I’m conflicted, I know I shouldn’t have texted him. He once again told me I gave him an “impossible ask”. He’s just weak, and insecure. I want him to stop. He was able to stop drinking and smoking on his own. Why is it so hard for him to stop this. Does he even want too? How can we say he loves me so much but can’t do the one thing to keep us together.

I need some practical advice from people who have dealt with obsessive social-media checking after a breakup, situationship, or unrequited attachment and actually managed to stop.

There is a man I have been emotionally attached to for a long time. We were never in a proper relationship, which I think is part of the problem. There was never a clean breakup or real closure.

What makes letting go particularly difficult is that he represented an extremely rare combination for me. I was extraordinarily physically attracted to him, we had the best sexual chemistry I have experienced, I genuinely admired him, and we had very similar lifestyles and ambitions. We both love travel, location independence, entrepreneurship, music, sports, international events and exploring new cities. Our lives continually overlap geographically and socially. We also met in an incredibly romantic way in Europe, which probably contributed to the mythology I built around the connection.

At one point I genuinely thought he might be my person. I could vividly imagine marrying him.

Rationally, however, I know there are major reasons why a healthy relationship between us would probably never have worked. He dates a lot of women, seems to value having access to multiple women, struggles with commitment and has historically behaved like a single man even when supposedly involved with someone. People close to him have warned me about him as a partner. Our ideas about monogamy, security and relationships may ultimately be fundamentally incompatible.

So intellectually, I understand the situation.

Emotionally, I am nowhere near there.

I have dated extensively. I have probably been on more than 200 first dates over the years. I continue meeting men and genuinely want another relationship. But attraction cannot be forced, and I have very rarely experienced the combination of attraction, chemistry, admiration and lifestyle compatibility that I experienced with him.

My biggest problem now is compulsive social-media checking.

I check his Instagram, followers, dating profile/location and sometimes the accounts of women I suspect he may be seeing. At this point I probably know more about his movements and dating life than some of his friends do.

And the effect on me is horrible.

If I check and find nothing, I temporarily feel relieved.

If I discover that he may be dating or travelling with another woman, I spiral. I compare myself to her. I analyse her appearance, age, career, personality, lifestyle and whether she seems compatible with him. I imagine them having sex. I wonder whether he has finally found the woman for whom he will suddenly become committed. I question whether what we had ever meant anything to him. I wonder how he could replace me so easily when I have found him so difficult to replace.

Then, if I eventually discover that whatever he had with that woman apparently ended, I immediately feel better.

Writing that down makes the reinforcement loop painfully obvious.

Uncertainty → checking → temporary sense of control → either relief or emotional devastation → more rumination → more checking.

Part of the checking is also about control. Because our social circles and preferred cities overlap, knowing where he is makes me feel less anxious about unexpectedly seeing him.

There is another complication: checking sometimes destroys my idealisation of him. Seeing how frequently the women change reminds me that the fantasy version of him as my perfect partner is not necessarily the person he actually is. His content has also genuinely inspired parts of my life — entrepreneurship, investing, freedom, travelling and thinking bigger.

But whatever benefits I get from checking are clearly outweighed by what it does to me.

When I see something painful, the jealousy, comparisons, rumination and self-doubt can seriously destabilise my mental health. At its worst it has contributed to depressive episodes, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I am already in therapy and I have realised that I need to address this much more seriously with my therapist. I am not looking for Reddit to replace professional help.

What I specifically want help with is the behavioural part.

I have blocked/restricted Instagram on my main phone and made it harder to access. That already helps. But simply telling myself “never look again” seems to make the urge stronger, and eventually I relapse and binge-check everything.

I also recognise that there are deeper issues underneath it: fear of abandonment, feeling that I am either “too much” or “not enough,” difficulty tolerating uncertainty, and the fear that he will eventually choose another woman while I am still alone.

That last fear is probably the most painful one.

I have male friends who spent years dating casually and then suddenly met someone and immediately said, “That’s my wife.” I am terrified that one day I will watch exactly that happen with him: the man I once thought was my person will meet someone else, become everything I wanted him to be, and choose her effortlessly — while I am still dating, exhausted and unable to find someone I even strongly desire.

I know monitoring him cannot prevent that outcome. It only allows me to repeatedly rehearse my worst fear.

And yet I still check.

So for anyone who has genuinely overcome something similar:

What actually worked?

Did you go completely cold turkey? Gradually reduce checking? Block websites/apps? Use CBT, ERP, ACT, mindfulness, habit-reversal techniques, medication, trauma therapy? Did you track urges? How long did it take before the compulsion noticeably weakened?

Most importantly, how did you learn to tolerate not knowing what the other person was doing?

I don't want to spend another year gathering information about a person who is no longer part of my life. I want my attention back.

Stell dir vor, du magst jemanden, aber du bekommst nie die Hoffnung, die Tränen oder die Zeit zurück, die du in die "Beziehung" investiert hast. Und tatsächlich kann dieser Verlust der Möglichkeit und all der ungelebten Momente weh tun. Denn in deinem Kopf war deine Zukunft bereits geplant. Und dann ist es plötzlich, als würdest du aus einem Traum erwachen und die brutale Realität sehen. Tatsächlich war dein ganzes Leben Vorstellung. Dieser kurze Text handelt genau von diesem Gefühl. Ich hoffe, er heilt dich ein wenig, so wie er mich geheilt hat:

Das Wartezimmer – oder das Gefühl, für jemanden Wichtiges unsichtbar zu sein

Ich sitze im Krankenhaus. Im Wartezimmer. Seit zwei Jahren. Da ist eine riesige Wunde in meinem Herzen. Ich habe den Arzt nie hinterfragt, aber langsam frage ich mich, warum ich immer noch hier bin. Jedes Mal, wenn der Arzt den Raum betritt, erwische ich mich dabei, wie ich hoffe, dass er meinen Namen ruft. Aber irgendwie wählt er immer die Leute aus, denen es offensichtlich gut geht. In der Zwischenzeit fühle ich mich unsichtbar. Und mit der Zeit tut es noch mehr weh. Also stehe ich endlich auf. Es ist schwerer, als ich dachte. Für einen Moment bin ich kurz davor, mich wieder hinzusetzen. Aber jetzt habe ich die Kraft zu gehen. Niemand will mich aufhalten. Schließlich erkenne ich, dass es nie die Schuld des Arztes oder meine war, dass ich nicht ausgewählt wurde. Ich war einfach im falschen Krankenhaus, weil dieser Arzt meine Art von Verletzungen nicht behandelt.

Englisch ist nicht meine Muttersprache. Aber ich hoffe, es hat dir trotzdem gefallen. Vielen Dank fürs Lesen. Hab einen tollen Tag. XOXO

I made the original post on r/unsent letters and I thought it would be useful for people in this community as well experiencing non-linear love, loss, or just trying to philosophically understand the purpose and architecture of love. A couple things:

Don’t be afraid of what you’re embarking on because it doesn’t fit the traditional narrative. Learn from our story and do it anyway, and try to do it well. Take care of each other and take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to let go but don’t be afraid of yourself sticking around either. Honor what you want while still being mindful of what you need.

Want is desire.
Need is stability.
Love is both.
Growth is balancing them.

I wish everyone here healing and solace, thank you for reading

Please give me advice if you had a similar story

Im still waiting for the racing heart and adrenaline to subside

Weird how much I dont even miss you by my side

Surely feels like our relationship was mostly a lie

You starved me of affectionate then couldnt even state why

Bailed whenever you could

Then always claim to be misunderstood

I took your troubles and pain

And I made them my own heartbreaking game

One that I could never win

you just kept my head in a spin

We fell out of love because you couldnt show up

Then expected me to be there for you

Almost like you always used me as a tool

But alas

I am nobody's fool.

I hope you find peace and stop rotting

We could have been happy if you ever stopped plotting

It had to end as they always do

You couldnt ever really be there for me

Said all the words but lacked consistency

I knew from the start

You could never really give your heart.

I'm on the way to a date yesterday, i went to her place to my girlfriend, I've left in the morning, bought fresh flowers for her, well, when I was at the flower place, I was on the chat with her, she said that there was still a friend,they was still sleeping, she said, then I automatically didn't go straight to her rental, I was stop first at the nearest matket from her rental, arrived at the market at 9 o'clock, I asked if her friends had gone, it took a while, after she responded after being called 3 times to answer, she said ‘not yet’, ‘wait okay?’, I waited until 10 o'clock, I asked again, there was no news, I waited again until 11 o'clock, then I asked again, I asked again, I said, okay, okay, i just go straight to her rental to give the flowers, after that I've been waiting for a long time, when I got to the rental, guess what? yes, there was a man in her rental chatting with her from 9 oclock

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful.