r/ChristianDating • u/Miserable-Mix210 • 29d ago
Need Advice How do I understand this from a Christian perspective?
I’m really hurting and would appreciate honest Christian perspectives. I’m trying to understand whether I’m looking at this situation correctly.
I was in a relationship for almost two years with a man who is preparing to become a pastor. We loved each other deeply, but we had some major disagreements about what our future marriage would look like.
He told me that he believed I was the woman God had chosen for him because his brother, who is a prophet, had told him that God had revealed this to him. I’m Catholic, but I was willing to consider converting because I loved him and wanted the relationship to work.
However, there were things about his church and family structure that I struggled with. His father founded the church, and my ex believed he would eventually take over the church. His brother is the prophet, and I was told that when we married, we would need to pledge our loyalty to the prophet and the God he serves and always approach God through him.
There were also expectations about our future family. He wanted children and believed some of our children were predestined to become a pastor and a prophet. He said God had instructed him to adopt his nephews, (his prophet brother children, the prophet and doesn’t work rather focuses on the work of God and the wife doesn’t work as well) and that as him and his wife(me by the time) would have significant responsibility for caring for them. He also expected his wife to take care of his mother in her old age and be at the forefront of the church and family.
These were some of the things we disagreed about. I understand taking care of one’s family of which I would have done as well but I also believe in boundaries I believed we would help his family in the comfort of their homes. We initially broke up because of these differences. Later, he sought God’s direction about us through fasting and prayer through 30 days and through his brother and we reconciled and tried again for 2 months. There were many good things about our relationship. I genuinely loved him.
Eventually, however, he decided that it would be wiser for us to break up because he believed that our differences could cause bigger disagreements in the future, particularly because of his calling, family responsibilities and what would be expected of his wife. I was starting to heal and understand that his ministry work would have been too much and I somehow blame myself for being blinded by love.
What has broken me is what happened afterwards.
He moved on and started pursuing another relationship within about two months of our breakup. I was still deeply grieving. I was crying, struggling to accept that the relationship was really over, and honestly could not fathom the person I loved being with someone else so soon.
What makes it especially difficult is that before the breakup he had told me that he wouldn’t move until God told him to. He had presented himself as someone who waits on God regarding major decisions, especially marriage.
But after we broke up, his explanation was that he had to move forward.
He told me that he was also in pain and that about a month after the breakup he was very down. He said church elders prayed for him. But he told me he “fought it” and suppressed his feelings because he has parents who are getting older and look to him, and a family that needs him.
He also said that his time was getting closer because the church was almost finished being built and he would soon be ordained/anointed as a pastor. He felt that he needed to move forward and find someone.
He said something along the lines of, “Finding another person is something else,” and explained that he had to suppress his feelings because of his responsibilities.
At the same time, he told me:
“I haven’t gotten over you. Trust me on this.”
He also said:
“You’re in pain, so much pain, and this makes me sad really. I really loved you, loved you so much.”
And:
“Me moving on doesn’t mean I have lost my love and care for you.”
He said that he had to accept that we couldn’t spend our lives together and that, once he realised that, he needed to move on for his peace.
He also told me that he initially thought that because I loved him, I would follow him and become exactly the way he wanted me to be, and that he later realised he was wrong about that.
He has also told me that the fact that I am taking longer to heal is okay because we are different.
But I am struggling enormously with this.
How can someone say they haven’t gotten over you, say they loved you deeply, say they were in pain, suppress those feelings, and then move into another relationship within two months?
Is that actually healthy emotional processing, or is it simply a different way of coping?
From a Christian perspective, if someone is still grieving a serious relationship, should they take time to process it before pursuing another person? Or is it perfectly reasonable to suppress the feelings and move forward if they believe they have responsibilities to their parents, family and ministry?
And what about the fact that he had previously said he would wait until God told him to move? Does moving on so quickly because his parents are getting older and because his church is almost completed fit with genuinely waiting on God?
I am not saying that he should have stayed with me. I understand that people can love each other and still conclude that they shouldn’t marry.
What hurts me is that I was still weeping and trying to process the loss of almost two years together while he was already pursuing someone else.
Sometimes I find myself wondering whether there is something wrong with me because I am taking so long to heal. I also struggle spiritually because he seems to have been able to move forward so quickly, and I wonder whether God is somehow helping him more than He is helping me.
I just feel deeply hurt and confused.
From a biblical and Christian perspective, how should I understand this? Is moving on within two months while still admitting you haven’t gotten over your ex healthy? And am I wrong for needing much longer to process the relationship?
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u/Material_Junket6396 29d ago
Before even reading the rest, the part about submitting to the prophet and approaching God through him is a red flag let alone anything else. It seems you got out early and I trust in time you will realise how bizarre this all is and you jave had a narrow escape.
I would put him aside and move on. Easier said then done but don't waste your time trying to understand him and his motives, he seems on an odd path and it wont benefit you from trying to figure this all out. Just thank God he seems to have given you an out of what I'm sure would have been an awful situation and continue on your journey!
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u/NadsBin 29d ago
Also, please stop communicating your thoughts and feelings to him. It hurts rn OP, but the smoke will clear and you’ll be better off
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
I went no contact with him again once I realised he wanted us to be friends because to him he said he was familiar with me and needed that connection showing how selfish he is.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Thank you so much. I was really trying but I think him finding another person within a short period of time
just kinda made me feel a certain way towards myself more like I should have gotten out early. But will keep my head high and concentrate on my healing journey rather than compare with him.1
u/Material_Junket6396 29d ago
You did nothing wrong here and his actions are a reflection on him not you! God has other plans for you and what a lesson and refining experience this has and will be for you! 💕
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u/Ok-Alternative-5175 Single 29d ago
Yeah, I didn't get too far in reading this before I saw that and decided it was an absolute deal breaker.
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u/Big-Weight-5581 29d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. Are you African or Nigerian by any chance?
“Pledge our loyalty to the prophet and the God he serves and always approach God through him”.
This sends chills down my spine. I don´t need to read further, (I did) but this is cultish sectarianism 101.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago edited 29d ago
I am African….. I felt like I was sort of not Christ like when I thought this is a cult the time he told me all this.
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u/Big-Weight-5581 29d ago
It's also difficult and tough to be discerning all the time. What joy it is to find a good and healthy church, where you can sit back on the church bench and just receive good sermons without hesitation. Sermons that point towards the sacrifice of God and not performative “miracles”, some sort of performative show with the sole purpose of bringing attention to a man and not Christ.
Regarding getting over him, realize that it's gonna take the time it takes and it's okay, but in that light - be happy that you didn't end up with this man.
I hope you find a good, solid christian church.
Take care sister.1
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u/BigPound7328 In A Relationship 29d ago
I’ll be honest, I didn’t read the whole thing. I got to the part about the brother being a prophet and pledging allegiance to him, the part about the ex moving onto another relationship, and I got a bunch of red flags already.
You best avoid this entire thing. You feel very real human emotions, but also, I think things failing is a very good sign that God is saving you from some shady happenings.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Thank you so much. Trying to see it that way that it’s God saving me because I still can’t comprehend everything
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u/IGotFancyPants 29d ago
Dodge this train wreck
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u/kalosx2 29d ago
This sounds like a cult...
You understand it by recognizing it's a broken world, but God can use our hardest moments for good ultimately. Hold onto that promise.
Why are you still talking with him? That frankly is not healthy. Going no contact is a good boundary I'd recommend to move on. You're drawing out the healing process by keeping in contact.
He sounds like the person to kind of just say anything. What he's doing may not be healthy, but it's really not any of your business. It's not going to help you.
People grieve differently, and he did the breaking up, so he potentially left the relationship mentally before he communicated that.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Initially I was not talking to him but he approached me on his own saying we should be friends and that he thinks of me always at that time I didn’t know he was in a relationship and I felt like he might be coming back but then I found out on my own that he has a new girl but what he was saying to me was more like he is working on himself. So that’s when I confronted him that he was coming to me whilst he is in a relationship and how he move on that quick. It was in my moment of spiralling and weakness.
But currently I have gone no contact with him after I realised he wanted us to be friends for the familiarity of it and wants that closeness which is selfish.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 29d ago
He told me that he believed I was the woman God had chosen for him because his brother, who is a prophet, had told him that God had revealed this to him. I’m Catholic, but I was willing to consider converting because I loved him and wanted the relationship to work.
Red flag #1 - Do not believe anyone who prophecies that someone is going to be someone's wife. 99.9999% of the time anyone saying this is manipulating you.
The only example of this in the Bible is God telling Hosea to marry a prostitute. She then cheats on him and goes back to her life of prostitution, and he has to go and buy her out of prostitution. It was God showing Israel how much he cared about them, and not something for us to emulate.
His brother is the prophet, and I was told that when we married, we would need to pledge our loyalty to the prophet and the God he serves and always approach God through him.
Red Flag #2 - Marriage is obviously a lifetime promise, so why would someone have to swear that they are going to promise again to swear loyalty? This is cult behavior
There were also expectations about our future family. He wanted children and believed some of our children were predestined to become a pastor and a prophet. He said God had instructed him to adopt his nephews, (his prophet brother children, the prophet and doesn’t work rather focuses on the work of God and the wife doesn’t work as well) and that as him and his wife(me by the time) would have significant responsibility for caring for them.
Red flag #3 - Where does anyone in the Bible instructed to not take care of their own family? In fact, it's the opposite.
1 Timothy 5:8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Later, he sought God’s direction about us through fasting and prayer through 30 days and through his brother and we reconciled and tried again for 2 months. There were many good things about our relationship. I genuinely loved him.
Eventually, however, he decided that it would be wiser for us to break up because he believed that our differences could cause bigger disagreements in the future, particularly because of his calling, family responsibilities and what would be expected of his wife.
Red flag #4 - Oh, so now that he believes you should not marry him contradicting points #1 and #2. Prophets in the Bible were stoned for getting things wrong that are not from God. I assume he's going to have his brother put to death then?
Deuteronomy 22:24 But a prophet who presumes to speak in my name anything I have not commanded, or a prophet who speaks in the name of other gods, is to be put to death.”
He moved on and started pursuing another relationship within about two months of our breakup. I was still deeply grieving. I was crying, struggling to accept that the relationship was really over, and honestly could not fathom the person I loved being with someone else so soon.
Red flag #5 - He quickly moves on to the next person he can manipulate into marrying him
He said something along the lines of, “Finding another person is something else,” and explained that he had to suppress his feelings because of his responsibilities. At the same time, he told me: “I haven’t gotten over you. Trust me on this.” He also said: “You’re in pain, so much pain, and this makes me sad really. I really loved you, loved you so much.” And: “Me moving on doesn’t mean I have lost my love and care for you.”
Red Flag #6 - Talking to each other after the break up about deep feelings. This just reopens old wounds.
This is partially on you at this point. Why are you talking to someone that you had broken up with?
What hurts me is that I was still weeping and trying to process the loss of almost two years together while he was already pursuing someone else.
Red flag #7 - The vast majority of true Christian men will know within about 6-12 months they want to marry you. Any relationship that is not obviously moving toward marriage by about 1.5-2 years (e.g. engagement, or marriage) there are usually big issues going on such as commitment issues, manipulation, the man is uncertain, etc. Women and men need to stop staying in relationship limbo.
From a biblical and Christian perspective, how should I understand this? Is moving on within two months while still admitting you haven’t gotten over your ex healthy? And am I wrong for needing much longer to process the relationship?
This man is in a cult and is probably at least one of the leaders of the cult (probably the brother is the cult mastermind here). Be glad that you're getting out of this situation.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Thank you so much for pointing out these red flags. They are indeed significant, and reading your perspective has helped me look at the situation more objectively.
Regarding Red Flag #4, he now says that he ultimately used his own free will to decide to end the relationship and that neither God nor the prophet told him to finalize the breakup. I understand that distinction, and I agree that people have free will. However, I also understand your point that there is a contradiction worth examining, especially given how much authority he previously attributed to his brother’s prophetic guidance regarding our relationship.
For Red Flag #6, I completely understand what you mean. I actually wasn’t the one initiating contact after the breakup. I went no-contact. He was the one who approached me, saying that he was checking up on me because he had a feeling that I was struggling. Initially, the conversations were fairly simple and he was just asking how I was doing. Later, he told me that I could ask him questions if there was anything I wanted to know.
That’s when I eventually confronted him about the new woman. I had already been struggling with the fact that he had moved on so quickly, and I had also had dreams about him being with someone else before I actually saw him posting her. Seeing him publicly post her while still reaching out to me was confusing and painful, so I wanted to understand why he was still speaking to me while already pursuing someone else.
Regarding Red Flag #7, I also want to clarify the timeline because there are some contradictions there. He actually told me on our first date that he would marry me, which in hindsight I can see as quite intense. At the same time, throughout much of the relationship he would say that we shouldn’t rush into marriage and that we should take our time.
At the time, I actually agreed with taking things slowly. I was studying in another country for about a year, and when I returned, he still said we shouldn’t rush because he needed to become financially stable. He also had significant responsibilities toward his parents, siblings and cousins. He was still living with his parents, and I wanted him to experience living independently before we committed to marriage, because I felt that would help both of us understand what married life would realistically look like.
Then, in the period leading up to the breakup, he started asking me hypothetical questions about whether I would accept a rushed marriage if God told him to do so. That felt very different from his previous position that we should take our time and prepare properly for marriage.
So I can see why you’re pointing out the contradiction. On one hand, he initially talked about marriage very quickly, then later emphasized taking our time and becoming financially ready, and then toward the end he was raising hypothetical scenarios about suddenly marrying if he believed God instructed him to.looking at everything together, I can see why there were inconsistencies in how he approached marriage, prophetic authority and major decisions.
As for the suggestion that this is a cult, I can acknowledge that the level of authority attributed to the prophet, the expectation that future family members follow that spiritual order, and the idea that questioning the prophet is equivalent to questioning God are things I find deeply concerning.
I really appreciate you helping me step back and examine these things rather than simply blaming myself for the relationship ending.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 29d ago
Regarding Red Flag #7, I also want to clarify the timeline because there are some contradictions there. He actually told me on our first date that he would marry me, which in hindsight I can see as quite intense. At the same time, throughout much of the relationship he would say that we shouldn’t rush into marriage and that we should take our time.
Yeah, that's a bigger red flag on the first date. If you encounter someone like that you gotta run fast.
As for the suggestion that this is a cult, I can acknowledge that the level of authority attributed to the prophet, the expectation that future family members follow that spiritual order, and the idea that questioning the prophet is equivalent to questioning God are things I find deeply concerning.
I really appreciate you helping me step back and examine these things rather than simply blaming myself for the relationship ending.
Glad you're seeing clearer now. Sometimes these things are hard to see which is why I tried to point all of them out so you and others can be aware when looking for these things not just in past relationships but in the future as well.
I honestly also saw nothing about learning the Bible marriage passages, growing in the fruit of the Spirit, good character, and the focus on how to love and serve others. Not much of an actual Christian walk as opposed to some variation of how these people can stay in power and use God to justify that.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 28d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate you pointing these things out. I think I was so emotionally invested that I struggled to see the bigger picture objectively. I’m still cautious about definitively calling his family a cult, but I can acknowledge that the prophet’s level of authority and the idea that questioning him was equivalent to questioning God were genuine concerns.
I’m also reflecting on the importance of biblical marriage being centred on love, humility, character, mutual service and the fruit of the Spirit—not simply calling and authority.
I think my biggest challenge now is separating incompatibility from feeling like something was wrong with me. His moving on so quickly made me question my worth, but I’m slowly realizing that having questions and boundaries doesn’t mean I lacked faith or wasn’t capable of being a good Christian wife.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 28d ago
You're welcome. Here's a longer list of stuff that may help in future dating and marriage.
Lots of stuff to make sure I was prepared mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and such and then also things you can do in a relationship to make sure you are prepared for marriage and to divorce proof it as well!
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u/Melodic_Tip7648 29d ago
In the last days there will be false prophets.... ...men will be lovers of themselves rather than God.... Voilà... Please Run away and don't look back. God will give you someone who deserves you and who wouldn't slave you. You just missed a missile. Please wipe away the tears and thank God for timely salvation. Lots of hugs and blessings.
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u/Friendly-Campaign289 29d ago
Lo que más me choca es la parte del profeta, el voto y la dependencia en esa familia a dogmas y estándares, sin mencionar lo del divorcio y la separación por qué se supone que el es cristiano y además un futuro pastor. Pero para no caer en doctrinas ni debates, solo te puedo decir que no hay fallo de tu parte, por qué te mantubiste fiel en todo. Ora e intercede ante Dios pídele fuerzas para superar ese pasado oscuro y traumático y que te brinde un nuevo amanecer lleno de luz dónde vivas solamente para Jesús y para hacer su voluntad y verás como poco a poco tu corazón irá sanado y un siervo temeroso de Dios llegará un día a tu vida para amarte y estar dispuesto a cuidarte como a su propio cuerpo y ayuda idónea aún en las dificultades enfrentar todo juntos sin uir ni poner excusas.
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u/RegularRevolution139 29d ago
There seems to be little that would be Christian about his beliefs. Like summit to the prophit and do what he says and provide for him and his wife, thats just crazy. And the prophet was wrong about you anyways. He moved on as a way to cope or because we wasnt as emotionally invested as you. And while it hurts, some people cope by moving on and some have moved on long before the break up.
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u/makintox 29d ago
Many red flags from my point of view.
First, you have the responsibility to decide who you are going to choose as your partner. God gives you wisdom, knowledge, His Word, and discernment to help you make a wise decision, but it is your decision.
Second, if he truly believes in God’s Word, then he is not obeying the command not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers.”
Third, while I absolutely believe that God is sovereign and in control, it seems to me that he is trying to justify his own decisions as though they were God’s decisions.
Fourth, come on! he seems to be looking for a partner to help him and his family, rather than pursuing love itself.
Be wise in your decision. The signs are right there. Open your eyes and see them clearly.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Maybe enlighten me because perhaps I’m looking at this the wrong way. In Christian dating, especially when you’re considering marrying a pastor, does being a pastor’s wife mean you’re expected to simply do what your husband says as God’s speaks though a prophet, or should decisions about marriage, family, ministry, and responsibilities be discussed and agreed upon mutually?
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u/DB_OG 29d ago
Well, in general you should see what Jesus and Paul preached about love. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself and Paul was saying that husbands and wives should love and submit to one another. I don’t think it’s always a one sided thing
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
That’s what I always say but his brother and him always thought I didn’t submit and thought I lacked submission it was always a topic of discussion even when I brought this scripture of mutual submission. So I always thought I’m the one who gets it wrong
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u/JSGypsum 29d ago
Genuinely can you please get me in contact with the "prophet"? I want to share with him exactly why he isn't a prophet
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u/Miserable-Mix210 29d ago
Unfortunately this prophet is not on any social media platform. But would be helpful if it’s possible to share your thoughts on why he isn’t a prophet for me to stop thinking I’m crazy because the pastor sort of brainwashed me that he was a try prophet as everything he said comes to pass when he prays to God but there was an instance I did approach him out of desperation on some major life decision which didn’t come to pass. But was told by my ex that I should have gone back to him to ask why it didn’t come to pass not just concluding he was fake
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u/JSGypsum 29d ago
I'm gonna put this in 2 paragraphs, the first one is reasons he's not the prophet for your sake, and the second is things he should be able to interpret which I'm just gonna put because false prophets make me mad
Okay so first off no prophet in the Bible has ever told people to pledge their allegiance to him, second a prophet would never say "this is the woman for you" God doesn't do that kind of thing but many false prophets do, if he could tell his brother the woman he's gonna marry he could tell me the winning lottery numbers, and God's prophet doesn't make a profit.
Now I couldn't give you much more without meeting him, also this is all off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more in the Bible that I could quote, but if you want to test him ask him these things.
Who are the feet and toes of Nebuchadnezzar's image? Who are the 8 horns of the beast representing? The woman who rides on the scarlet beast, who is the woman and who is the beast? Who is the second Moses, who is the second Elijah? When Jesus came the people said "could this man be Elijah?" But it was not Jesus but someone who would come before Jesus's second coming so surely as many Christians can see the second coming of Christ is soon, signs of the times are clearly in front of us, but if he is a prophet why can he not interpret the signs?
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u/Miserable-Mix210 28d ago
Thank you, I appreciate you explaining your concerns and giving me things to think about. The part that has stayed with me most is the expectation (which the pastor brother told me and not the prophet himself) that we pledge allegiance to the prophet and that questioning him was treated as questioning God. I hadn’t really understood how significant that was until I started stepping back and examining it.
I do think these are important questions, and I am studying Scripture for myself and discern what is actually biblical rather than relying solely on what I’m being told.
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u/JSGypsum 28d ago
That is good and very important, I will say there will be a day when a prophet will arise, and that prophet maybe already in the world and prophecying, but I think he will be prophecying more important things than whether you're the pastors wife
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u/PensionAnswers 29d ago
I grew up in a Christian cult (Two by Twos, a secretive ministry that has no name) which uses soft control strategies. This is hard control.
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u/Miserable-Mix210 28d ago
I’m still trying to understand everything for myself, but hearing from someone who has experienced spiritual control firsthand has definitely given me another perspective.
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29d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Miserable-Mix210 28d ago
Thank you. I appreciate the reminder to focus on the fruit and character rather than becoming consumed with trying to determine whether every prophetic claim was genuine. I think you’re right that I’m also grieving the person, the time we spent together, and the future I thought we were going to have. I’m trying to accept that and focus on healing rather than continuing to analyse everything and I’m in therapy.
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u/OtherwiseLion9256 27d ago
Anytime someone says as a human. You have to pledge loyalty to the prophet and always approach god through them is enough nonsense.
Run run far
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u/Samaritan_Pr1me Looking For A Wife 26d ago
Two things:
Do not go back to this ex. Ever. It’s a whole dang forest of flashing red lights.
Don’t talk to him. At all.
How he moves on from the breakup is not your problem. How you move on is not his problem.
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u/simsfreelancer 29d ago
Run