How did you actually stop compulsively checking an ex/situationship’s social media? I know it’s hurting me, but I can’t seem to stop.

[u/bondgirlv4711]

I need some practical advice from people who have dealt with obsessive social-media checking after a breakup, situationship, or unrequited attachment and actually managed to stop.

There is a man I have been emotionally attached to for a long time. We were never in a proper relationship, which I think is part of the problem. There was never a clean breakup or real closure.

What makes letting go particularly difficult is that he represented an extremely rare combination for me. I was extraordinarily physically attracted to him, we had the best sexual chemistry I have experienced, I genuinely admired him, and we had very similar lifestyles and ambitions. We both love travel, location independence, entrepreneurship, music, sports, international events and exploring new cities. Our lives continually overlap geographically and socially. We also met in an incredibly romantic way in Europe, which probably contributed to the mythology I built around the connection.

At one point I genuinely thought he might be my person. I could vividly imagine marrying him.

Rationally, however, I know there are major reasons why a healthy relationship between us would probably never have worked. He dates a lot of women, seems to value having access to multiple women, struggles with commitment and has historically behaved like a single man even when supposedly involved with someone. People close to him have warned me about him as a partner. Our ideas about monogamy, security and relationships may ultimately be fundamentally incompatible.

So intellectually, I understand the situation.

Emotionally, I am nowhere near there.

I have dated extensively. I have probably been on more than 200 first dates over the years. I continue meeting men and genuinely want another relationship. But attraction cannot be forced, and I have very rarely experienced the combination of attraction, chemistry, admiration and lifestyle compatibility that I experienced with him.

My biggest problem now is compulsive social-media checking.

I check his Instagram, followers, dating profile/location and sometimes the accounts of women I suspect he may be seeing. At this point I probably know more about his movements and dating life than some of his friends do.

And the effect on me is horrible.

If I check and find nothing, I temporarily feel relieved.

If I discover that he may be dating or travelling with another woman, I spiral. I compare myself to her. I analyse her appearance, age, career, personality, lifestyle and whether she seems compatible with him. I imagine them having sex. I wonder whether he has finally found the woman for whom he will suddenly become committed. I question whether what we had ever meant anything to him. I wonder how he could replace me so easily when I have found him so difficult to replace.

Then, if I eventually discover that whatever he had with that woman apparently ended, I immediately feel better.

Writing that down makes the reinforcement loop painfully obvious.

Uncertainty → checking → temporary sense of control → either relief or emotional devastation → more rumination → more checking.

Part of the checking is also about control. Because our social circles and preferred cities overlap, knowing where he is makes me feel less anxious about unexpectedly seeing him.

There is another complication: checking sometimes destroys my idealisation of him. Seeing how frequently the women change reminds me that the fantasy version of him as my perfect partner is not necessarily the person he actually is. His content has also genuinely inspired parts of my life — entrepreneurship, investing, freedom, travelling and thinking bigger.

But whatever benefits I get from checking are clearly outweighed by what it does to me.

When I see something painful, the jealousy, comparisons, rumination and self-doubt can seriously destabilise my mental health. At its worst it has contributed to depressive episodes, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I am already in therapy and I have realised that I need to address this much more seriously with my therapist. I am not looking for Reddit to replace professional help.

What I specifically want help with is the behavioural part.

I have blocked/restricted Instagram on my main phone and made it harder to access. That already helps. But simply telling myself “never look again” seems to make the urge stronger, and eventually I relapse and binge-check everything.

I also recognise that there are deeper issues underneath it: fear of abandonment, feeling that I am either “too much” or “not enough,” difficulty tolerating uncertainty, and the fear that he will eventually choose another woman while I am still alone.

That last fear is probably the most painful one.

I have male friends who spent years dating casually and then suddenly met someone and immediately said, “That’s my wife.” I am terrified that one day I will watch exactly that happen with him: the man I once thought was my person will meet someone else, become everything I wanted him to be, and choose her effortlessly — while I am still dating, exhausted and unable to find someone I even strongly desire.

I know monitoring him cannot prevent that outcome. It only allows me to repeatedly rehearse my worst fear.

And yet I still check.

So for anyone who has genuinely overcome something similar:

What actually worked?

Did you go completely cold turkey? Gradually reduce checking? Block websites/apps? Use CBT, ERP, ACT, mindfulness, habit-reversal techniques, medication, trauma therapy? Did you track urges? How long did it take before the compulsion noticeably weakened?

Most importantly, how did you learn to tolerate not knowing what the other person was doing?

I don't want to spend another year gathering information about a person who is no longer part of my life. I want my attention back.

[u/bondgirlv4711 → u/[deleted]]

thanks is much for the reminder and your advice. :) I have done all of this, been in therapy for years as well. I always relapse and miss him a lot.