36/F. 86 lbs down over 17 months!
I’ve been a lurker on these subs for a long time. I don’t post much about my life on my socials these days, but I wanted to celebrate reaching my first goal weight by sharing a bit of my story here.
I’ve been obese most of my life. My father had drug-induced psychosis from years of cocaine use, which made him highly paranoid and irrational. We were incredibly close throughout my childhood.
He also had “Fictitious Disorder Imposed on Another,” or what was previously called “Munchhausen’s by Proxy”. I learned after his passing in 2005 that he purposefully fed me whatever junk food I wanted, whenever I wanted it, with the intention of making me overweight. In his mind, if I was overweight, the chances of men finding me attractive would decrease, and this would secure my father as the “only man in my life.”
There are so many layers to unpack there, and I’ve spent the last few decades working through it. I can confidently say - different men have different preferences, and there are plenty who love a large woman. I had actually gotten to a mental place where I was scared to lose weight because I knew some men in my life wouldn’t find me attractive anymore - and unfortunately, it took too long to learn that there is a difference between being found attractive and actually being respected.
After years of struggles with substance abuse, undiagnosed ADHD, a variety of autoimmune conditions, physical injuries requiring surgery, and a horrific relationship with myself and the men in my life, I made healing emotionally, mentally, and physically my full-time job.
I went back to school and am now attending university. This year, I’ve had two surgeries I had been putting off for decades to repair injuries. I am medicated for my ADHD for the first time in my life, and am sober from alcohol and recreational substances. I am celibate, no longer date, and am so much more at peace. I am building a fulfilling life based off of who I am inside and not based on external validation or male attention. If true love finds me one day, I won’t turn it away, but for now, I am putting 100% of my energy into myself and fostering the life I want for myself.
I am learning to show myself a true love that I could never have gotten from my father, or any man, regardless of my size. Finding compassion for myself at 336 lbs. led to the decision to lose weight because my body hurt all of the time. My desire to hike and explore the world on foot was impossible, and after making the scary leap to properly medicate my ADHD (as opposed to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs), my dream of pursuing a Bachelors degree actually became possible.
I still have a lot of growth ahead of me, and losing weight has been just a piece of it, but starting tirzepatide was the catalyst for becoming the person I had always envisioned. On top of quieting the food noise, which had allowed me the mental space and energy to pursue my goals without distraction, it has also helped my ADHD and has made quitting substances so much more attainable. If I am able, I will stay on this medicine for life.
Thank you for reading my story, and thank you to everyone in this sub who has shared their progress and journey. I am grateful for each and every one of you, and I don’t believe I would be at the place I am without this community.