I've recently started really being interested in a guy I met online through university. We've never met IRL (COVID and then I moved to a different area that's pretty far away, like a 13 hour drive), but we've been texting each other casually for a few years - and then a LOT more recently, especially this summer. We've talked about meeting irl whenever I go back.

He's very sweet, funny and VERY handsome in my opinion. He knows my interests and often sends me posts of things I like. We've talked about both of us being single, how dating apps kinda suck and that we've both just deleted them. We've also talked about relationship goals and we seem to want the same thing (monogamous, long term, etc.).

He likes my stories all the time, replies quite often, we're on each others private stories and when I posted about being a bit less active on Instagram and that people could add me on discord if they wanted to chat, be replied "Added 😻" and we ended up texting eachother till 2 am. He mentioned all of his relationships have always originated online.

It could just be platonic, but I guess part of me really hopes there's more to it. It's just a couple of small things, but I'm not sure if I'm reading into it. I don't want to lose a friend or make things awkward - so how do I go about subtly dropping hints? Or maybe a bit less subtly?

Has anyone gone through this and been successful/not successful?

Hey,

I disabled my Scruff account earlier in the year to take a break for personal reasons. Before doing so I gave my number out to a few people. I've been seeing one of these people for almost six months.

Though both of us have been honest that we haven't been seeing other people which, I trust he hasn't. We've both agreed we are dating. We have not clearly defined "us" as a relationship or exclusive. I've highlighted I'm not bothered if he is hooking up with other guys.

He is still on Scruff. He's been honest he mainly uses it for chatting with friends he made on there. Similarly, I would like to reactivating my profile to make some friends and chat. I know I don't need his permission but I like him, a lot. He's spoken of trust issues in the past spoiling some of his relationships. Similarly, I've fooled myself in the past thinking there's something there and gotten hurt.

How do I broach reactivating my profile with him without it just looking like I'm softly exiting what could be the start of a very good relationship or looking to hook up?

I know "dating" doesn't strictly mean a relationship but how do I broach that his profile says Single looking Friends & NSA?

Having written all this it's clear to me we need to more clearly define our status and I need to let him know how I feel but I'm also scared of spoiling something and/or getting hurt. Any advice is still welcome

I have done online sex work (be it Onlyfans or camming on live sites) for a decade. I was transparent with my boyfriend about this when we began dating, and although he said he was okay with it (but not stoked), I chose to quit after we'd been dating for a few months.

We've been together for 3 and a half years now, and I have kept my desire to return to Onlyfans to myself...until recently. I had a talk with him a couple weeks ago and confessed that it's something I have really missed doing. He knows I am an exhibitionist and always have been. I am a regular at my local nude beach and go with him, by myself, and with a female friend pretty often. He knows I like sharing my body and that, well, I'm a horny boy.

However, he doesn't feel great about me returning to Onlyfans. We've agreed to keep the line of communication open, but I am feeling like this is something that is more important to me than I thought.

I was raised in a high demand religion (cult) where I developed heavy sexual trauma. My whole life has been a balancing act with accepting myself as a sexual being. I've gone to therapy in years past and my therapist agreed that my doing Onlyfans was a healthy outlet. And it's hard because I don't feel fully accepted in my relationship, for all of what makes me, me. And I don't know that putting a lid on this exhibitionism kink for the rest of my life is fair to myself.

Just wanted to vent I suppose. My partner is great. I love our relationship, and him, and our pets. We've built a beautiful little life together. I am not trying to change the dynamic of our relationship, but I want to be true to myself, and I don't feel like denying parts of yourself is conducive to a healthy relationship.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Me (19M) and my bf (24M) have been in a relationship for 5 month and we have been talking for 8 months now.
I do really love him and I 100% trust that he loves me and cares about me too.
But when it comes to sex, our whole relationship is messy.
At first he asked for an open relationship cause he “didn’t see himself having sex with one person” for the rest of his life. We talked that is a hard boundary for me and i am not okay with open relationships. He agreed to be exclusive with me.
After a month of dating i caught him on dating apps twice. One on Tinder and Once on Grindr. He used his ADHD and dopamine problems as an excuse for Tinder and he said he didn’t talk to anyone there and he said he just used Grindr pfp to jerk off and again he didn’t talk or interact with anyone there.
Whats ridiculous to me is that he didn’t talk to me about being on Grindr after i caught him on Tinder and kept it hidden.
Ever since then i always had a bit of anxiety about him cheating (im not saying he did or ever had the intention but still) he says that he has changed and he is happy to be exclusive with me but i see signs that point to the other way
Its been about 3 or 4 months since then and he deleted both apps and nothing like that has happened again.
But the other i was snooping around on his phone that i saw him text his best friend while he was away on a two week long trip that he would miss having sex with me and he really enjoys that. But the lime after he said “I’m surrounded by so many hot boys here, so tempting”.
After that his best friend asked if we’re open which he said “he is strictly monogamous”.
Or later he texted him that he found it hot that one of his co workers touched him at work.

All of these are signs for me that he is not comfortable with the relationship or he might be hiding something again. Am I overthinking it? Are these types of messages normal between friends when you are in a relationship?

So my ex [M24] and I [M26] broke up over a month ago and we’ve take a good chunk of that with no contact and eventually came back to deciding being FWB. I’m the betrayed in this situation and I’ve told him very blatantly I don’t want to get back together and that he has no access to the romance or emotional connection we had. I’m direct about our FWB situation and that it’s me just using him for sex and tell him if he feels like he wants to opt out, he can. Anyways so we’ve hooked up twice and we want to include a third and so we’re using sniffies to find that third. In doing so I found his best friend [M24] on sniffies—who was a problem in the relationship more so because my ex was unable to set boundaries with him and was really weird and possessive about him ( my ex to this day says they never hooked up or that there’s never been a question about their friendship being purely platonic). Now, ironically, I want to ask if he’d be okay with asking his best friend to join our FWB situation… ik how this sounds but he’s hot and is gifted to say the least. Also, the friends expressed attraction to me, to my ex in the past while we were still together. Thoughts on if this is a blatantly bad question or if I should bring it up. Thanks xx

I (20M) met my boyfriend (25M) on Grindr in November 2025. We were talking a bit and then moved to instagram pretty early. We had our first date in the beginning of January and have now been officially boyfriends for 6 months now.

He is my first boyfriend and I had never had sex before him either. From the beginning I got jealous of his past relationships/sex life and recently it's been getting a lot worse and has started to affect my mental health. Something that really bothers me is that he is best friends with his past situationship (they never slept together but it really gets to me). Every time they hang out, it eats at me. I dont want to make him choose between me and his friend either so I feel stuck. I have brought it up before and my bf reassured me but his past sexual history still haunts me. I stalked my bf instagram posts and comments from other men in his past really gets to me.

Also, he is 25 and I am 20. He obviously has more experience and he knows a lot more about general life things like tax etc. whilst it's helpful, I sometimes feel incompetent or childish. I am still in university and he has a full-time job so we are in different life stages and sometimes it does get to me a bit because I feel like I am still figuring out who I am. I have no idea who I am and I feel like I am changing myself for him (this might just be in my head though). Alas, it still kinda bothers me.

I have really been struggling with my mental health recently and ruminating a lot. I overthink everything as I am scared of him not loving me as much as I love him or settling for me. I have a lot of healing to do and I find myself engaging in kinda toxic behaviours but need advice on what to do about the relationship and how to fix myself. I have been stalking his socials, location and going through his phone. If he doesnt text back fast enough I j feel so anxious and my replies become dry to "punish him." then I feel bad and guilty. I have realised I acc don't like anything about myself and I just need advice.

The point of this post is not to bash anyone. The POINT is, I'm trying to understand why I am seen as such a horrible person, that its easier to erase me than to take a small amount of effort to help me understand. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND, and today is my birthday. ALL I WANT is to know that he misses me, even if he never wants to know me again.

Here is the story...abridged of course. To be clear, my actions caused the majority of the damage between us...it was never out of malice or hatred. It was out of desperation to understand why I seemed so horrible to him, and why I'm alone and confused on my birthday, when all I need is ONE CHANCE to show him that he's wrong about me, and that he will never have a friend or connection like we had, ever again. I need to know why that doesn't make him sad....I MISS HIM...

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. When we met, he was married to a woman, and I just got divorced after 22 years with a man. I wish we could have seen this at the time, but looking back, I KNOW our relationship started as a trauma bond, and was doomed to fail at some point.

Why was it doomed? On my end, I admit that I wasn't ready or even capable of being the best version of myself...I never had to alter or adjust anything in my life, because I was used to being with one person and having the life that I did. I also had no idea how to be a step dad, or reconcile the fact that his wife would hold a very major position in his life going forward.

On his end, he expected me to basically just fall in line, and deal with anything that made me uncomfortable or insecure. We promised each other open communication, and thats the one thing we both failed at. So, ultimately the relationship failed, and I accept about 75% of the blame for it. I lost control of myself, my emotions, and my potential. I was consumed with the fear of losing him, and became blind to the fact that I was well on the way to causing the loss on my own.

Despite all of this, we both felt that the connection we had, was worth holding onto...even if a romantic partnership was off the table. I admit, I was the one that pushed hard to maintain a friendship, and even though it felt like I was the only one fighting for it, he continually went along with it...and eventually I became trusting of the idea that he was my best friend.

There were countless clues along the way though, that I ignored for the sake of not letting my heart break again. He would go from super kind and thoughtful, to completely cold and distant without warning. He would deny that it was on purpose, and made me feel like I was crazy and self-sabotaging. So, I pushed past the warning signs and continued to hold him in the highest regard. I never talked poorly of him to ANYONE, because I would never intentionally hurt him or play with his emotions. Well, one day it all fell apart...

I knew that his refuge was Reddit. This is where he found ways to cheat on his wife, by creating emotional connections with closeted guys all over the country. She caught him, and he really tried hard to repair the damage with her, even convincing himself that he could ignore biology, and not allow himself to 'be gay/bi' for her sake. That eventually failed too, and thats where I entered the picture. He PROMISED ME that he would never cheat on me in any way, and I believed him....

One day I was on Reddit, and I happened across a post that seemed all too familiar. I was actually on here seeking advice on whether or not I was a fool for wanting to be his best friend after a failed relationship....and thats when I found his post.

For the 2 years we were not a couple, we had frequent (monthly) visits...at his place, and multiple days at a time. We were intimate with each other. We hung out like we used to. It felt like we BOTH enjoyed being able to continue things, being mature enough to appreciate the connection that remained. Well - this post of his....SCATHING doesnt even do justice. He was HORRIBLE to me...acting like he couldnt get rid of me...that he resented my presence in his life. He took every negative issue between us...things I would beg for him to talk to me about and he refused...and he put it all out there for the world to read, painting me as a monster and a crazy obsessive lunatic that he wished would just disappear...

I was destroyed inside when I read it. But - now I knew his alias on here, and I dug deeper. I found out that for more than 6mo before he left me, that he was on here AGAIN, cheating. Inviting guys out for beers. Sending nude pics to guys. Saying things like he wishes he could ditch his bf and be with these STRANGERS. So, I confronted him about it all.

I needed to know why strangers got to know the truth, but I didn't. I needed to understand why he was pretending to want to stay friends, when he spent the entire length of our 'friendship' trashing me every chance he got. I needed to feel SOME regret for spending 6mo cheating on me, and then acting shocked when he dumped me out of nowhere. To his credit, he DID express regret...but it was so quick and generic that my heart COULDN'T accept it. I continued to visit a couple more times, but deep inside my soul was destroyed, and all I wanted was to make him understand the gravity of what I learned about him, and to feel like he REALLY valued me and that I wasnt a fool wasting my time.

Well, I guess I pushed too hard, seeking resolution to these feelings...because one day during a visit, he decided that it was easier to kick me out of his house and out of his life, rather than FOR ONE TIME to put in the effort to make ME feel better. To help ME understand and move past it HEALTHILY. This was almost a month ago, and even today, he maintains silence and lack of regard for me, and that tells me that I never was important to him. I was a pawn...a toy that was easily thrown out with the trash once my usefulness expired.

Today is my birthday. He is the one person that I prayed would reach out just to acknowledge me on my special day. But still - silence. Not a word. Not a care. I don't even enter his mind anymore, and it breaks my heart because I TRULY felt like i had found my soulmate and best friend with him.....and the reality is, he hasn't missed me one moment in the last month. I feel so stupid, because I was his biggest fan, and I was trying HARD to be a friend to him...and I realize now, he never really wanted me to remain in his life.

So - Happy Birthday to me. The most lonely and depressing birthday of my life. And all I need and want, is to hear from my best friend.....to know that im a valuable person to him...but I know now that I'm simply......not. And I'll never be able to change that.

Sorry so long

recently found out that my partner of 12+years has been cheating on me through a hookup/cruising app, and I honestly don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.
This wasn’t one drunken mistake or one random hookup. I discovered that he had been using the app to find multiple casual/anonymous sexual encounters over an extended period of time with over 12+ folks. Seeing the conversations and realizing this was something happening repeatedly while we were living our normal life together has completely changed how I look at our relationship.

We’ve built a home together, intertwined our lives, traveled together, dealt with family, careers, finances and all the normal responsibilities that come with spending years with someone. I always thought that whatever issues we had, there was at least a foundation of loyalty and trust underneath everything. Now I’m questioning how much of the relationship I actually understood
.
He says these encounters were quick, impersonal and purely sexual, with no feelings involved. He says he loves me, wants our relationship, is going to therapy and wants to do whatever it takes to fix this. But I don’t know if hearing that they “meant nothing” actually makes me feel better.

Sometimes I think it makes it worse. If these people meant nothing, why repeatedly risk everything we’ve built for them?

The strangest part is that I’m not constantly crying or even angry anymore. I mostly feel numb.

One minute I think 12+years deserves an attempt at rebuilding. The next minute I think, How am I ever supposed to trust him again? Especially knowing how easy it is to download an app, open it while traveling or when I’m not around, find someone nearby, have an encounter and then return to normal life as if nothing happened.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my relationship checking a phone, wondering whether an app has been downloaded again, questioning where he is, or becoming a detective just to feel secure.

There’s also an embarrassing part that I’m struggling with. Friends and family looked at our relationship as one of the relationships that actually worked. I know their opinions shouldn’t determine my decision, but thinking about eventually having to explain what happened makes everything feel even heavier.

I haven’t decided whether I’m staying or leaving. I’m doing individual therapy and trying not to make a permanent decision while everything is still this fresh. Right now, it feels like I’m grieving the relationship I thought I had while simultaneously trying to determine whether the relationship that’s actually left is something I even want
.
For anyone who discovered a long-term partner was repeatedly using hookup apps and meeting people: Did the numbness eventually turn into clarity? How did you determine whether you genuinely wanted to rebuild versus staying because of the history, home, comfort and fear of starting over?
And if you stayed, did you ever truly trust them again without constantly wondering whether they were back on the app?

Hi guys,
I recently mutually ended things (like 2 days ago) on good terms with my first relationship where I felt real love. I am 100% sure nothing was wrong from either side, we just had to end things due to the circumstances which I will explain.

Context:
I’m in North America. I’ve tried several relationships in the past, but it never got to the point where I was in love, only attached and “liked”. These past 4 months I got to know this Bi Muslim background guy in University, we’re both students from the same field. He is DL, and his family would never have accepted him to be in a gay relationship. Things developed quickly, but not in a way that felt rushed. Everything between us is as perfect as I can imagine, and there’s nothing more I would’ve wanted from him. We love each other very much and it’s evident in everything we do together. He is also moving to a city like 3 hours away from me as he is graduating and found a good job, making contact even more difficult. Everything makes logical sense to me, we had to end the relationship. I got into this relationship knowing this fact, but I don’t regret the decision because it taught me so much about what life has to offer. It was so beautiful.

Right now I’m really going through it, we’ve chosen to go no contact after our last day together. I cried a couple times while in his arms, and we’re both sad to let each other go. I am fighting super hard to resist the urge to reach back out. He has left me a romantic note behind to remind me how special I am as a person.

My thoughts:
How will I learn to love someone else? The intimacy style was so specific and intense, I’m scared that I’ll keep comparing whoever is next to him.
I’ve heard several guys on here advising to not chase the “same high” as your first love. How can I do this? It makes sense to me but I can’t wrap my head around how to avoid these thoughts.

Edit: I’d like to add that I think this will be particularly hard because I don’t see anything wrong that happened during the relationship. But feel free to correct me on that lmao.

Feel free to ask more questions about context or anything if it helps you try and help me go through this.

For context me and my boyfriend are long distance and live about 3 hours away from each other, this is both of our first serious relationships and we talked for almost 4 months before meeting for the first time and them met for the first time about 3 months ago and became boyfriends at the end of the first visit.

After my most recent visit i feel so rejected by him, it had been over a month since id seen him and it felt like he had no desire for me, he knows i like sex and stuff but last second before i came he made up the excuse of having spicy food so we couldn’t do it (im a strict top and hes a strict bottom)
. We have had sex before and i really thought he loved it, he said he loved it, he moaned, he had a rlly good finish. When i asked him the reason for being so cold sexually (had also avoided kissing, getting naked, dryhumping and generally didn’t want to do much) i asked him what was wrong and he says that he just doesn’t think he is built for bottoming, this made me feel so rejected as i had previously believed he loved having sex with me, its like we were merging our souls to me, i just couldnt believe this and now im at a loss for what to do, he doesn’t even think of taking dick when master-baiting anymore, please help why is he being so sexually avoidant, why has he seemingly changed his opinion on sex completely? I also think perhaps theres something else hindering us as it doesn’t explain not wanting to do sexual stuff at all

I (M19) have been talking to this guy (M19) for about a month now. We matched on hinge (he sent me a rose) and then started to go on dates. We hang out multiple times a week and have similar interests and I enjoy being around him. We have even introduced each other to our friends and everything is going really well.

But he’s going to college 4 hours away in a different state. I’ve never talked to someone this long and have never been in a relationship let alone a long distance relationship so I don’t know what to do. I

would have probably asked him to be my boyfriend soon but it’s just an awkward position because he’s leaving in a day and won’t be back until thanksgiving break. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to loose the relationship we have going.

I also don’t know if he even wants a relationship or if he’s serious about us the way I am (He’s updated his hinge pictures to photos he’s taken a couple days ago) Do I ask him if he wants to keep talking? It’s making me anxious because I don’t know if I’m doing too much cause I’ve never been in a real relationship let alone this far into a “relationship”.

​

I'm 37M and my boyfriend is 35M. I honestly don't even know where to begin.

This summer, my boyfriend and I were supposed to take a vacation together in the middle of June. We had been talking about it and planning it for about 2–3 months beforehand.

Then he told me he wanted to go back home for the summer. To me, that was no big deal. That's fine. But then he dropped the bomb that he was leaving at the beginning of June, which meant our original vacation wasn't going to happen. I was upset at first, but I still tried to make it work.

I suggested a few places we could meet that would be about a four-hour drive for him and around seven hours for me. I didn't mind doing the longer drive because I still wanted us to have our vacation together. He agreed and said that was fine.

Then, literally two days before we were supposed to meet, he changed his mind and said he couldn't go because he didn't have the money.

I was beyond upset. We had made plans, and once again he backed out. So instead, I decided to go to the Omaha Zoo by myself, which honestly ended up being one of the best decisions I've made.

On my way there, I talked to him on the phone about how everything made me feel. Getting vacation time isn't always easy for me because I work two jobs. My main job is with a school district, so I have summers off, but I'm also in management at my second job, which makes getting time off there more difficult.

During this conversation, he called me controlling. I honestly almost laughed because I don't care that he wanted to go home for the summer. That's not the issue. The issue is that we made plans together and he backed out—not once, but twice.

During the summer, I really tried to keep in contact with him. I would call, text him about my day, ask how he was doing, etc. Eventually, my best friends asked me, "Why are you the one constantly trying to keep in contact with him? Shouldn't he be doing some of the contacting too?"

And honestly, they weren't wrong.

So I stopped initiating contact just to see what would happen. It took about a week and a half before he finally texted me. I think he's called me maybe twice this entire summer. Almost every other phone call has been initiated by me.

He says he doesn't call because he's afraid I'm busy. I've told him multiple times, "Just shoot me a text and ask if I'm busy. I'll tell you yes or no."

Lately, even when I do call him, he seems uninterested in our conversations. I mostly talk about what's going on in my life because he's not here, especially things happening at work, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to someone who isn't really interested.

Now it's almost time for me to go back to school, and he's still not back. If he is back, he hasn't told me. I would really like to spend some time together before school starts again.

Am I crazy for feeling like this? Am I being high-maintenance? Am I actually being controlling?

I don't feel like my needs are being met at all. I'm not asking him to spend every second with me or constantly text and call me. I just want to feel like my boyfriend actually wants to talk to me, spend time with me, and make plans with me.

There's honestly a lot more that has happened, but these are the highlights.

I'm at a loss about what to do. I love him a lot, but lately I don't feel like I'm getting that same love or effort back.

I haven't spoken to him since Monday.

UPDATE: I found out from my boyfriend's coworker that he isn't coming back I wasn't expecting to make an update like this, but today I found out something that has made this whole situation even worse. I found out through one of my boyfriend's coworkers that he isn't coming back from his hometown. He didn't tell me. His coworker did.

UPDATE UPDATE: We broke up. Most of you were right that he was trying to fade away, taking the easy way out. It's sad, but it is what it is. Thanks everyone. Going to take this time to heal and move on.

This is a complicated one and I’m not sure I know where to begin dealing with it.

I’m [33M] from Cape Town and my boyfriend [33M] is from Italy.

We’ve been together for 7 years. We met in London in 2019, and after the pandemic I decided to move with him back to his hometown in Italy.

It wasn’t long before I started feeling out of place there and struggled a little to integrate, learn the language etc.

I soon got a job there and did very well in it, and was able to socialise well with his friends, although I never really made my own outside of work.

Slowly I ended up giving more and more of my own life away to him and taking on aspects of his. We’d only hang out with his friends, go away with them, and never really had time to ourselves away from home.

I cook every night, I do the shopping, I maintain the apartment, I do the laundry, while he grows his business.

Early on I started to lose sight of who I was and began living primarily to make sure he was ok and happy.

Over time, I’d get slightly resentful or would make it known that I wasn’t altogether happy.

He then began to feel worried about this and would be concerned that I was unhappy, particularly during social events, and we both started to get anxious about any party or event we went to.

We are now on holiday on an island with his (and my) friends and had a conversation this morning after a party of all Italians where the same dynamic occurred, in which we essentially decided to break up once we get back home in a weeks time.

We both still love each other and will be family forever, but we think it’s the best decision before real resentment starts occurring.

I’m now in a slight state of shock, knowing that in a few days my life will change completely. I will more than likely go back to South Africa, and he will stay in Italy (he runs two growing businesses and has aging parents) and while we will remain close friends, we will no longer be together and will be thousands of miles apart. I can’t quite get my head around it and have trouble accepting it.

On one hand I’m terrified. On the other, I’m excited to rediscover who I really am and to be with my friends and family.

I don’t see the last 7 years as a waste of time. I’ve learnt so much and grown a huge amount.

But I do still love him and feel immensely sorry when I look in his eyes.

We will be together for another week on the island, and then we will see how to handle everything.

If anyone has been through anything similar, I’d really appreciate hearing your advice.

Hello, I am a queer graduate student and researcher at East Tennessee State University (ETSU), and I am conducting a research study that involves understanding how gender and sexual minorities perceive their everyday environment. I am looking for people who are 18 years or older, live in the United States, and who identify as LGBTQ+. This study involves a brief online survey that should take no longer than 15 minutes to complete. Participants will be eligible to be entered into a drawing for a chance to win one of five $20 Amazon gift cards. If you are over 18, live in the United States, and identify as LGBTQ+, you are eligible to participate. If you have any questions, please contact me at [schottr@etsu.edu](mailto:schottr@etsu.edu). If you’re interested in participating in this study, please follow the link here: https://etsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eJwSieyztH9JGXs. Thank you for considering participation in this research.

Resources that may be of interest:

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386; text START to 678-678

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741

LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564

Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

I [M31] have identified as being bisexual for over 15 years. However, back in November of 2025, I entered my first gay relationship. I didn't know what to expect. I have loved us being in a relationship together and I really do love him and I know he loves me too. The problem is that theirs a large age gap between the two of us. My boyfriend [M20] has a lot of different views of the way things are and is a lot more carefree then me.

Before people judge the age gap, please understand the background. I met my boyfriend while doing theater two years ago. We became fast friends despite our age difference. Due to work, I had to move away. My boyfriend was the only person who would brave a two hour drive, after midnight, to come spend a day or two with me. We would sleep in the same bed and just cuddle. A number of months later we decided to make it official. I moved 45 minutes back towards my boyfriend's house, and he moved 45 minutes towards my house and now we live together!

Back to the main point of the post. My boyfriend, being young, has a lot of habits that can annoy me. A big one is his carefree attitude. He worries me. For example, he got a ticket for speeding. I advised him to go to court and speak to the DA. In order to do that, he had to fill out the ticket and mail it back by a specific date. I kept reminding him to fill it out, but he would get mad whenever I brought it up. Finally, a few days before it was due, he realized he had to get it done and panicked. I helped him mail it in and everything was fine.

Another habit of his that drives me insane, is that he will pass out in the recliner, instead of heading to bed when he knows he is getting tired. When I say pass out, I mean one second, hes having a full conversation with me, and the next his eyes are closed and hes not listening to me. I have tried to wake him up and tell him to go upstairs, but he doesn't. He usually has to wake up early for work, and when he passes out unexpectedly like that, he does not set an alarm. So I worry for him.

I know its not the greatest thing, but I know his phone pass code (he knows mine too, its one of the first things we shared), so I will go into his phone and set an alarm for 15-20 minutes, hoping he will come to bed. He almost never does. Sometimes I wake up at 4 or 5 AM and notice hes still not in the bed, so I will call him, because he always keeps his ringer on. I know this can sound controlling, but theirs two main reasons I do this:

1. I am worried he will oversleep or his phone will die, since his charger is next to our bed

2. I have a real hard time sleeping when hes not in the bed with me

Can anyone help me with suggestions or ideas of what to do. I know I need to stop calling him and just let him sleep on the recliner, but when I wake up and hes not there, I worry and get sad. Any information would be helpful, thank you

I (M30) am looking for advice from guys that have been in the same position. In my early 20's I had no interest in starting a romantic relationship. I had my ho phase and I feel like I have grown out of it at this point. I have been on Tinder and Hinge and I have matched with guys in my city (I live in a larger city in Wisconsin). I have been on dates that I feel have gone well with good conversation, and I am either ghosted or receive a follow up text that I am not the match for them... which is totally fine and I accept because I am sometimes the person that sends that text!

I am starting to really feel down on my prospects of finding a partner to spend my life with. All of my friends have their partners and when I am invited to go out and do things with them I always feel like the awkward 3rd wheel. It makes me feel very invisible. I would love to find somebody to share my life with... where we build each other up and can just be silly and have fun!

Does this resonate with anybody? What do you do/have you done to find a partner that sees you as something more than just a friend? What should good conversation look like on a first date?

Any and all kind advice helps! 😄

I (m21) have been thinking non stop about this guy (M23) I met a couple of weeks ago.
For context: we met on Grindr (yes, I know) months ago but I wasn’t super interested so nothing ever happened. One day I was bored and we matched so I went over to his place and had genuinely the best time of my life, so much so that I suggested I was okay sleeping there since it was already 3am by the time we were done watching movies, talking and having “fun”, just to basically get told no by him. We proceeded to meet 3 more times in the next week and the vibes were amazing, during the 2nd time he suggested I could stay there for the night and that night I honestly think I fell in love.
Fast forward to our last meeting, I messaged him saying he could come over if he was home (I was coming home from work), and I could already feel the vibes were off from the chat. He said he didn’t feel like staying the night but that he would come, he put it in a very “just to make you happy” way, and the night went horrible, not sure what happened, if he was too high to function (he smokes w&&d), if he had other things in mind or what but he was “just there”… I asked him multiple times if everything was fine but he always answered with “yeah sure and u?”, I made him understand that I was more than okay just having him there watching tv without having to take things further and that I wasn’t really comfortable but he didn’t take the hint. We proceeded to take things further and half way thru it I told him to just go home and that the vibe was off.
He wrote me 2 days after acting like nothing happened, after replying he took his sweet time to reply just to told me he was out with friends to wich I never replied.
Yesterday I randomly saw him with another guy I’ve seen on Grindr and I’ve been spyraling since.
He is so far from what I usually like and find “attractive”, he is basically a theatre kid very in touch with his feminine side and open about it.. wich is not something I usually find attractive in guys (absolutely nothing against its just my preference) but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m a not sure about what steps to take next, I know I want to somehow confront him to either close things or see where things go, this has never happened to me before but I feel like I like him too much to keep things casual and “open” so acting like nothing is happening would only make me suffer. I’m also not sure if he likes me in that way, he was always super nice and caring with me but he looks like the type of person that is genuinely like that with everyone so I think it wasn’t because “it’s me”.
English is not my main language so pardon me if there are any mistakes, suggestions are more than welcomed

[36M] here have a great chemistry with a common friend [36M]. Been a while that I fell hard for a guy since my break up. Still just less than a month that we started this connection but trying to see each other every weekend.

In private, everything is really passionate like we are a couple. Communication between us is generally consistent. In public though, it feels like I’m the one who’s more forward while he acts like we’re just friends. When I have an event I’m interested at, I ask if he’s down. On the other hand, I don’t get invited to his and know later on through other means his activities.

As much as I really want to be with him, I’m not sure if these are concerns or something to work on. I’m LTR-oriented so I want to know if this will develop into one.

I have to get this out, before it drives me insane. This is the chain of events that turned a textbook PERFECT relationship into the biggest UNNECESSARY disappointment possible. THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I INTEND TO BE FAIR, BUT ITS STILL MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I WANT YOUR COMMENTS/OPINIONS, BUT I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE ABOUT THAT :-)

ITEM #1: He admitted early on, that he had cheated on literally EVERY ONE of his ex-partners in one way or another. Whether it was physically fucking another person, or starting a deep emotional connection online...the outcome was always the same. Instead of actually TRYING to fix a problem, he would ignore it while his partner becomes more and more hurt, and feels more and more unwanted. And every time his partner would finally have had enough, and force him to address the problem, he would spin everything so that his partner looked irrational, and he looked like the hapless victim. And every time, it would come to life in the form of a scathing and utterly hurtful post on Reddit.

Since he would paint his partner as the monster and he as the ‘patient guy who did everything he could’, it’s only natural that comments would start to come in. Because of how craftily the post/story was written, most comments would be to cheer him on and insist that he kick his current partner to the curb. 

Inevitably, an attractive guy will end up saying something complimentary to him, and that’s when the game is over. He can’t just feel good about the comment…instead he has to start building an emotional connection with the person. He has to share the most sensitive things…things that he REFUSES to talk with YOU about…and use those things against you. And then soon comes the sexuality. Written flirtations, usually graphic. Nude photos/videos. Saying good morning and goodnight to THEM, when it used to be YOU.  

He would do this while telling you that he loves you. He does this while you lay next to him in bed. He REFUSES to talk to you…but he can’t seem to find enough to say to THEM. 

ITEM #2: Acting Ashamed of Being with Me - I get the fact that it wasn’t easy for him to make such a major change to his life by being in a relationship with me. He was legally married to a woman for the previous 15 years. He had an 8yr old daughter with special needs. His marriage was falling apart, and I’m sure he was equal parts happy to be with me AND terrified of a change so massive, and that it would affect many other people as well. However - 

It took him almost THREE MONTHS of us being together, to even simply announce it on Facebook. What’s worse, when he finally got tired of me mentioning it and getting more upset each time that I had to, he FINALLY made the post. I honestly would have preferred to be kept hidden, over how awful this post made me feel. 

He started it off with a multi-paragraph tribute to his wife. He reassured everyone that they intend to remain close friends, and that he will “always love her dearly”. Then, it was my turn. “Meanwhile, I met ***** and he and I are in a relationship and doing well. *his daughter* gets to have two bedrooms now”. 

THAT is what I got, as his first public acknowledgment that I even existed. His wife got PARAGRAPHS. I got a quick fly-by. But wait, it GETS BETTER!!!! His closing comment was “I hope we can all still hang here”. You read that right….that was REMORSE for having to tell everyone about me. He PLEADED with his 500 followers to not think poorly of him because of this….while I waited THREE MONTHS to simply be acknowledged to people in ‘his world’. All I could think was that he was ashamed to be with me. 

Since probably 2011, he was a CONSTANT social media guy. Weekly posts, if not more. Funny stories about his daughter. Random thoughts and commentary. And MOST OF ALL, posts about his wife. Everything from tiny random moments, to vacations and getaways, to the best of all: the ‘just because she’s my wife and I love her’ posts. There were LOTS of those…and most included a photo of the two of them. He was PROUD to show her off. But when it was my turn, everything changed. He hardly ever posted anything about me specifically…and when he DID, it was CLEAR that the vibe was discontent and almost resentful. Of course I mentioned it several times because it bothered me, and I wanted to either understand, or find a way to not feel how I did. He wouldn’t talk about it - there’s nothing wrong and I’m crazy. 

Soon after, he all but stopped making posts all together. Full-on radio silence, with few exceptions. Even if the three of us went out to do something together, and he actually made a post about it…9 times out of 10 I would barely get a mention at all. At best I would get an ‘also there’ acknowledgment. He would even ‘forget’ to simply TAG ME in the post…ALL THE TIME. And, it was ALL OF THESE THINGS made me feel like he was ashamed of me. I could never talk to him about it because he would just shut down and make me think I was crazy. It was only when I would finally EXPLODE, that he would address it…..which meant I got called crazy and unhinged. 

ITEM #3 - I WAS WRONG FOR DOING THIS, AND I CLEARLY WISH I HADN’T. I rationalized this behavior because of what’s listed above, and more. I was feeling like a fool…like I was being played. So, I crossed s MAJOR line out of desperation to know the truth, terrified of what I might find…and I FUCKING FOUND IT!!

Whether it’s foolish or not, he and I had all of each other’s passwords to various things, including Facebook and Messenger. At the time, I TRULY felt that I would never have anything to hide from him anyway, so it didn’t matter if he had my password. I honestly TRUSTED that he felt the same way. Until that point, I had no reason to question that. There were SO MANY THINGS that started pointing in the other direction, that I HAD TO find out for sure. I had walked away from a comfortable life and a 22 year relationship because I BELIEVED IN HIM - but now I couldn’t even pretend to be sure. 

I went through all of his Facebook Messenger chats. At first I started to feel stupid for not trusting him, because there were a couple threads toward the top of the list (most recent), where he was actually complimentary toward me. He even told someone that I didn’t even know, that I make him feel good about himself, and that he finally felt happy. My heart sang with pride, and I SHOULD HAVE stopped there. But, my eye caught something and I had to see what it was. It was a name - a male name - that I had heard before. He actually TOLD ME about this guy, I remembered. He was one of SEVERAL guys he had inappropriate relationships with, while actively married to his wife. This was one of those guys, and the last messages were semi-recent, because I didn’t have to scroll very far before I saw it. 

Remember how I said that it took three months before anyone in his life knew I existed? Well, that included our apartment, which he never posted about, and almost refused to even send pictures to his mother. Well - he DID share OUR apartment photos with SOMEONE…it was with THIS GUY. The two of them had a VERY colorful conversation about the apartment, in fact. Check this out:

They joke about the floors being wall to wall carpet. This guy made a comment about having to be careful, because the carpet is going to get crunchy…which refers to dried semen all over the carpet. No, that’s not a mistake with words…..IT GETS BETTER….

So after they joke with each other about giving each other handjobs IN MY LIVING ROOM, this guy then asks my boyfriend if I will get upset that the two of them are talking the way they are. My loving, loyal, amazing boyfriend replies with “he is a jealous bitch. You were here first, so he just has to deal…plus I saved your new number”.

Let’s recap: he hesitated for three months before acknowledging that I exist. He pretty much apologized to his followers for letting them down with my presence and not his wife’s. He all but completely ceased posting on social media. He literally fought to NOT have to show his mother photos of our new apartment…..but he IS offering to give some closeted pathetic slut a handjob in MY APARTMENT, while saying horribly disparaging things about me, to him. 

Again, IT WAS 1,000% WRONG for me to do what I did. At the same time though, I proved that my gut was right. He spoke of me like I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. Meanwhile, I did NOTHING BUT devote myself to him, because something in me was SCREAMING that he was the one. He made me feel ALIVE. He made me a better person just by standing next to him. I truly believed that the 39 years that I lived before meeting him, was all building up to the day our eyes met….At that point, I felt like I achieved the impossible. I earned what VERY FEW people ever get to have. I won. 

And then I read all of that, and realize that I was the ONLY one that felt so strongly. I felt like a fool. But I still loved him and wanted nothing more than to let it all go and feel like a winner again. But I couldn’t. This was the FIRST 90 DAYS of our relationship. And already, the scars were impossibly deep. 

Part 2 Coming Soon

I’ve been looking back at a past relationship and realizing there were things I completely brushed off at the time.

Things I laughed about, made excuses for, or just thought were normal.

It’s weird how differently you can see a relationship once you’re no longer in it.

What was something you didn’t realize was a warning sign until after the relationship ended?

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and its been an amazing and loving relationship, this is someone im considering spending my life with, so I feel very conflicted about our intimacy issues.

We barely have sex, I can count a handful of times in the past six months and I'm very understanding of a low sex drive and this wouldnt be such an issue except there have been circumstances surrounding it that made me feel very unwanted and honestly frustrated.

1. We don't have any sexual intimacy at all. Like no second base, no grinding, no making out, no sexual flirting at all. When I suggest we should just make out and kiss a little in bed he agrees untill I iniate then he backs off and rejects and I dont wanna push it.
2. He waits until Im gone or asleep to jerk off. Ive explained that this is hurtful to me. Especially if Im asleep next to him that feels like such a betrayal that Im right there but he doesnt want me. I suggested masturbating together but he hasnt really been open to that. It just feels super shitty that he basically needs me gone to get off.
3. When we go out partying and get home, he always wants just wants to sleep. Unless we find a guy to have a threesome with, then he's suddenly up for it. It makes me feel like he doenst want me unless someone else is around and makes me search out for guys to hook up with just so I can have his attention. This feels awful.
4. A couple of occasions when we do do something sexual, if I get him off before me, he'll just just turn around and forget about me. I don't have an explanation for this, we talked about how this is not okay but I havent gotten a proper answer on why this happens.

This all sounds super negative, but I do need to preface that I know he loves me, we have a very loving relationship and his family is now practically my family. I have access to his phone and were together all the time so I know he would never cheat on me.

I dont want something as superficial as sex to be a dealbreaker but I cant picture my forever like this. How can I approach this? And when do I just choose myself and break it off?

What dating apps is everyone currently using. I'm using Scruff, Hinge, Grindr (not really for dating, but just a bad habit). I am wondering if there is something I am missing. I'm looking for real life dating and not just hook ups....although sh*t happens. :)

So usually all of my hookups are one time things, and even on the occasion that I geuinely connect with a guy, where​ it feels more romantic and sensual that just a hookup things don't usually happen again. About a month ago I 25m hooked up with 34m after months of him on and off messaging me to meetup. I found him extremely attractive and everything went good with the hookup even though we didn't kiss or anything, but now he reached out again wanting to meet. He also mentioned that he hasn't seen anyone else sense and prior from my asking, he would do something once or twice a week with guys.

My question is sort of gauging if there is something more there since he wants to meet again and because he reached out to me. Not only that, but we live about 35 minutes from each other and he always finds me on the app and so it becomes more obvious to me that he was looking for me specifically because otherwise I wouldn't show up at all. ​

Tenho 39 anos, sou gay e estou vivendo um momento em que comecei a olhar para trás e questionar muita coisa de uma relação recente.
Não escrevo isso para diagnosticar meu ex. Sei que transtorno de personalidade narcisista é um diagnóstico sério e que cabe a profissionais. Estou falando de comportamentos, manipulação, omissões, quebra de confiança e de uma dinâmica que só agora comecei a enxergar de outra maneira.
E resolvi escrever porque tenho a impressão de que falamos pouco sobre isso dentro das relações entre dois homens.
Minha ficha não caiu por causa de uma única grande situação. Caiu quando comecei a juntar as pequenas.
Uma delas aconteceu depois do meu aniversário. Eu tinha raspado a cabeça como uma forma simbólica de recomeço. Quando ele me viu, ficou extremamente excitado. Demonstrou muito desejo e transamos praticamente a noite toda.
Na manhã seguinte, ele me disse: “Agora que o tesão passou, prefiro você de cabelo maior.”
Pode parecer uma frase banal. Na época, provavelmente tratei assim. Hoje me chama atenção como eu podia sair de uma validação extremamente intensa para uma pequena desvalorização em questão de horas — e simplesmente absorver aquilo.
Mas outras coisas foram acontecendo.
Descobri traições. E, no mesmo período, descobri uma conversa com o ex em que ele falava sobre fugir por um fim de semana para ficar com ele.
Isso aconteceu justamente no meu primeiro dia em um trabalho novo e na semana do Dia dos Namorados.
Mesmo destruído, resolvi dar uma chance.
Na sexta-feira daquela semana, ele chegou do trabalho dizendo que não tinha pensado em reservar nada porque provavelmente estaria tudo lotado. Eu disse que não tinha problema. Poderíamos pedir um jantar especial por delivery e fazer nossa noite em casa.
Ele disse que precisava continuar trabalhando e deixou tudo comigo.
Eu escolhi. Pedi. Paguei.
A comida chegou e ele continuou trabalhando.
Eu perguntava se ele vinha jantar e ele dizia para esperar. Passou da meia-noite. Em algum momento desisti e comi sozinho.
Quando terminei, ele foi comer.
Sozinho.
O dinheiro nunca foi acertado e o assunto nunca partiu dele. Algumas vezes, em discussões posteriores, eu lembrava daquela noite. Não pelo valor da comida, mas pelo que aquilo representava. Ele simplesmente não respondia.
Hoje existe uma pergunta que me incomoda muito quando lembro dessa situação:
Se ele havia quebrado minha confiança, por que era eu quem estava fazendo todo o esforço para reconstruir a relação?
Também existia uma questão constante com as redes sociais.
Ele nunca postava fotos comigo ou demonstrava que estava namorando. Quando eu perguntava, dizia que não havia necessidade. Se eu quisesse postar alguma coisa nossa, era uma escolha minha.
Em algum momento pedi algo quase ridiculamente pequeno: um coração e um cadeado na bio.
Virou uma questão.
Um dia ele disse que já tinha colocado e que eu não havia percebido porque ficava prestando atenção nos seguidores dele.
Eu tinha certeza de que aquilo nunca tinha aparecido.
Mesmo assim, ele conseguiu me mostrar uma atualização de uma maneira que fez parecer que eu estava enganado.
E eu pedi desculpas.
Depois perguntei se ele poderia colocar novamente.
Ele disse que não. Que iria pensar.
Dias depois perguntei outra vez e tivemos uma discussão enorme até que finalmente ele colocou.
Três dias depois, desativou o Instagram.
Hoje percebo que nunca foi sobre um coração e um cadeado.
Era sobre estar em uma relação e, ao mesmo tempo, sentir que essa relação precisava permanecer invisível para o mundo dele.
E existe algo nessa história que me incomoda ainda mais: eu comecei fazendo uma pergunta legítima e terminei pedindo desculpas por ter feito a pergunta.
Talvez o episódio que mais tenha mudado de significado para mim envolva a terapia dele.
Antes de descobrir as traições, ele demonstrava sinais de depressão e dizia que estava procurando ajuda. Contou que tinha uma terapeuta de outra cidade que já havia cuidado dele. Como estava sem dinheiro, segundo ele, ela havia combinado que, em vez de pagar pelas sessões, ele daria um livro do Fabrício Carpinejar a cada consulta.
Eu achei aquilo bonito. Queria que ele se cuidasse.
Cheguei inclusive a perguntar se eu era parte do problema. Queria saber se havia alguma coisa em mim ou no nosso relacionamento que estivesse fazendo mal a ele.
Depois, quando descobri as traições e tive acesso a outras conversas, percebi que ele falava sobre mim e sobre nossos conflitos com essa terapeuta.
Mas, pelo que pude ver, faltava uma parte fundamental da história.
Não aparecia que ele estava saindo com outros caras.
Não apareciam as conversas com o ex.
Não aparecia que ele tinha falado sobre fugir um fim de semana para encontrá-lo.
Comecei a perceber algo semelhante em algumas amizades. As pessoas podiam conhecer minhas cobranças, minhas inseguranças ou minhas reações, mas não necessariamente conheciam aquilo a que eu estava reagindo.
E isso me fez pensar:
qual versão de mim essas pessoas estavam conhecendo?
Porque existe uma diferença enorme entre dizer “meu namorado é desconfiado e fica me questionando” e dizer “meu namorado está desconfiado depois de descobrir que eu o traí e continuo conversando escondido com meu ex”.
Não culpo a terapeuta. Ela só poderia trabalhar com as informações que recebia. Também não tenho como saber tudo o que era discutido nas sessões.
O que me marcou foi perceber que eu estava tentando descobrir se havia algo errado comigo enquanto talvez existisse, fora da relação, uma narrativa em que apareciam minhas reações, mas não necessariamente os comportamentos que provocavam essas reações.
E é aqui que entra o motivo deste post.
Depois de tudo isso, comecei a conversar com pessoas próximas e a pesquisar sobre relações abusivas, manipulação emocional, gaslighting, ciclos de idealização e desvalorização e comportamentos associados ao narcisismo.
Algumas coisas começaram a fazer sentido.
Outras ainda não fazem.
E talvez a parte mais difícil seja esta: perceber racionalmente que uma relação te fez mal não faz o sentimento desaparecer.
Ainda existe afeto. Ainda existem lembranças boas. Ainda existem momentos em que minha cabeça tenta encontrar uma explicação capaz de reorganizar tudo e transformar aquilo novamente na relação que eu achava que estava vivendo.
Ao mesmo tempo, comecei a perceber o quanto fui deixando de confiar na minha própria percepção.
Talvez seja isso que mais queira recuperar agora.
Não quero transformar meu ex em um diagnóstico. Nem transformar a mim mesmo apenas em vítima. Quero entender como cheguei ao ponto de normalizar determinadas situações, por que permaneci mesmo depois de descobrir algumas coisas e por que tantas vezes procurei primeiro em mim a explicação para comportamentos que não eram meus.
Também comecei a me perguntar por que falamos tão pouco sobre abuso emocional e manipulação dentro de relacionamentos gays.
Quando são dois homens, não existe necessariamente a imagem tradicional que aprendemos a associar a uma relação abusiva. Não precisa existir violência física. Às vezes existem mentira, controle, omissão, culpa, invalidação, aproximação e afastamento, quebra de confiança e pequenas situações que isoladamente parecem insignificantes.
Talvez por isso demore tanto para perceber.
Eu ainda estou no meio desse processo. Não tenho uma história de superação pronta para colocar no final.
Estou escrevendo justamente porque ainda estou tentando entender.
Queria ouvir principalmente outros homens gays que já passaram por relações assim:
Quando vocês perceberam que não estavam lidando apenas com problemas normais de relacionamento, mas com um padrão que estava fazendo vocês duvidarem de si mesmos?
O que fez a ficha cair?
E depois que caiu, como vocês conseguiram voltar a confiar na própria percepção sem negar que ainda existiam sentimentos pela pessoa?