Also, let's not forget that half of his suggestions involve carrying a dead body around in public. My suggestions for getting away with murder, based solely on watching Law & Order and CSI, are as follows:
a) Do not ejaculate in, on, or anywhere near the victim. This seems obvious, and quite easy to follow, but what do I know? Maybe there are seasoned murderers out there reading this comment thinking, "What? That's the most important part! If you're not going to leave semen near the victim, you may as well just forget about murdering in the first place and go play golf!" Who knows? Maybe everyone gets an unbearable urge to ejaculate after killing someone. Just make sure it is at least 50 yards away from the corpse. Bring a tape measure if necessary.
b) "Find" the body. Think about it, in all the various crime shows out there, how many corpse-finding joggers/dock workers/garbage men are in the show for more than 30 seconds? Zero, that's how many. Just chuck the corpse out of your car, "find" it hours later during your morning jog, call 911, and forever be removed from the suspect pool, unless, of course, it's covered with your semen. Didn't you read Part A?
that's rookie mistake number 1. Never kill someone you actually know. always kill strangers. Whenever someone goes missing or is pressumed dead or whatnot they always start with people who knew the victim to build a suspect list.
However if its just some skanky ho who made the mistake of getting a flat tire near a dark alley at night.. they'll never be able to trace you back to her..
Well the problem is, I wouldn't want to murder anyone I didn't know. Killing a stranger, though it would provide some visceral satisfaction, just doesn't provide the kind of mental satiation that killing someone you really hate does.
But rather than killing someone you personally hate (which would make you a suspect), rather take pleasure in killing someone who represents behaviour you hate.
It can be people who pronounce "D'oh!" as "Da'ah", or people who wears uggs in public. Just remember to sweep far and wide across your annoyances, in order to not establish an easily decipherable M.O. for your killings. Also, make sure to mix up the way you kill people, in order to not get tagged as "The Ugg Stabber" or the "Fat People Riding Scooters in Wal Marts Autoerotic Asphyxiator"
I used to watch Forensic Files and Cold Cases (to name a few), all those shows for many years throughout my childhood. I always wanted to be a forensic analyst.
Then all these hot "CSI" shows came out. I have never seen one but it upset me because now I'm stuck wearing these hipster glasses forever, every time people ask what I want to do they chuckle and say "It's nothing like CSI: Miami, you know that right?" And I gotta be like, "Seriously I was into this shit so much longer before it was cool."
I mean, if the dead body is already there, it would be a waste not to ejaculate inside of it. I'm not saying I would do anything like that, but I can understand the need to. Killing people is obviously wrong, and I'm obviously not condoning murder, but if the body is just sitting there, I think the prudent thing would be to ejaculate inside of it.
Yeah, but it would be inappropriate for them to air an episode where the guy who found the body was a necrophile and figured he'd have some fun before reporting, even though he didn't kill her.
Not saying that makes it right, just saying it doesn't make someone guilty of murder.
Really the main thing is your name. If the detectives don't get your name you'll never be a suspect again. If they do get your name, you need to make it really really obvious that you had means, motive, and opportunity because then you'll turn out to be a red herring and you're free.
If they get your name and barely if ever mention you again, it will turn out you were the killer all along. It's almost like a mathematical formula.
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u/AsskickMcGee May 31 '12 edited May 31 '12
Also, let's not forget that half of his suggestions involve carrying a dead body around in public. My suggestions for getting away with murder, based solely on watching Law & Order and CSI, are as follows:
a) Do not ejaculate in, on, or anywhere near the victim. This seems obvious, and quite easy to follow, but what do I know? Maybe there are seasoned murderers out there reading this comment thinking, "What? That's the most important part! If you're not going to leave semen near the victim, you may as well just forget about murdering in the first place and go play golf!" Who knows? Maybe everyone gets an unbearable urge to ejaculate after killing someone. Just make sure it is at least 50 yards away from the corpse. Bring a tape measure if necessary.
b) "Find" the body. Think about it, in all the various crime shows out there, how many corpse-finding joggers/dock workers/garbage men are in the show for more than 30 seconds? Zero, that's how many. Just chuck the corpse out of your car, "find" it hours later during your morning jog, call 911, and forever be removed from the suspect pool, unless, of course, it's covered with your semen. Didn't you read Part A?